update on family problems-long

[cknmom]

We told our DGD(B) about her half brothers. She was "freaked out"(her words) about it. She still doesn't think that her mother(D) should even have children. She wanted to have letter and maybe email contact with D for now and see how that works out. We are allowing that for now.

My mother wants her to have a picture of her brothers, I haven't decided on that one yet, I think that it is probably okay. I'm afraid that D will get the babies taken away and B will not ever know anything else about them. That would hurt her much. I'm sure it wouldn't surprise her though.

I am still upset that D refuses to pay the court ordered child support, but expects to get past support from B's father.
she also expects to have any contact and send gifts. Ifeel that if she can get gifts and wants contact, she should be following the court order. That may sound petty, but they brought this child into this world and they should not be able to just have the perks and no responsibility. I had told her when we got B that I expected her to pay support, I was willing to work out an amount with her, I was going to put it all into a college fund for B. She refused, so I got a court order and she quit her job.

B still doesn't trust D so we will see how it goes and if B's behaviore(sp) changes when she has contact, like it used to.
Right now I'm trying to decide if I should read the letters to make sure that she is not trying to undermine us and our authority or the values we are teaching her.

It is silly, D does not want me to know where she lives, so all letters have to go through my mother or sister. I laugh about it because I know that the reason is she doesn't want me to giver her address to child support . What's so funny about it is that they already have it and are doing an out of state court order!! Won't she be surprised!

Thanks for listening,
Monica

 

[luvzmybabz]

In OKlahoma you can file to terminate the parental rights after I believe 14 months of financial abandonment (i.e no child support). So had D filed for back support on b's Biological father before B came to live with you this time?, and if so I would find out where she filed and you can file to be made a party in the case and anytime that B lived with you which sounds like most of it if I remeber right .....then if he pays the support for the time she was with you, will come to you.

PLease be very careful I can not remember how old B is but I remember you saying that you were afraid that B would feel why can mom have the other children and not me ....she must not love me......I have been there and felt this way a lot when I was younger my grandparents raised me off and on I am 33 and have NO contact with my mother in the last 6 months worried I may be seeing her a Xmas though (she was supposed to be away then suprise she is back in town (my sister keeps me up to date about comings and goings) There has been periods where I have gone 3 years without talking to her (my choice) and truly as an adult I feel that at least in my situation I and my children are much better off without her in our lives (she has used my kids againist me and my grandmother ). I am proof that contact is not always better.

Kasi

 

[cknmom]

kasi, B is 9yo. She would like nothing better than for us to adopt her. She has wanted our name since she could talk. We would love to do that but the cost right now is out of the question. Also we feel that her bio-parents should not be let off the hook.

All my kids made the choice to not have contact with their father. My youngest thinks of myDH as her dad because he has been more of a dad to her than her father ever was.

Good luck at Christmas

Monica

 

[SpottedCrow]

I had told her when we got B that I expected her to pay support, I was willing to work out an amount with her, I was going to put it all into a college fund for B. She refused, so I got a court order and she quit her job.

that just about says it all, I hate to say...
B's nine so she can make up her own mind whether to see her bioparents...seems to me like she'd not miss much not having any contact with either...
Many hugs, Monica...sounds like you're doing a great job.​

 

[Queen of the Lilliputians]

That sounds like a tough situation. I agree.. that the bioparents have a responsibility. But, I think sometimes in the long run that it prolongs agony for the little people involved.

My Bil and Sil are horrible parents, as far as I'm concerned. Bil won't work (is trying to make himself appear unable so he can obtain SS/Disabil). My SIL was working, recently got fired for stealing, and is going to court in Jan. for sentencing. Of course she 'didn't do it'. Meanwhile, their kids (1.5 and 2.5) have no stable home, no rules, no structure. Their parents don't seem to care. Those children haven't lived anywhere longer than 6mos. They, as far as I know, are currently living in a homeless shelter (again, did the same last winter), and will probably spend xmas there this year. It's awful. We have had them all live with us twice. Both times they chose to leave because they didn't want to have to work (1st time we could have supported them, but really thought they should contribute. This time we simply couldn't afford diapers and feeding of 4 more people). We have tried, MIL has tried. I made SIL cry by telling her how much she was screwing up their kids. I beat them over the head with the fact that their kids are stressed out. They DON'T GET IT. Really. They drag those kids from house to house like they are plants. Give those kids a toy, and they won't have it for long (left somewhere.). Give them clothes, they'll wear them once and never again (because their parents don't want to wash them). They live off hotdogs & mac&ch, and even then I've seen the parents leave the kids hungry while they ate the rest.

Dh and I know at some point those kids will be coming to live with us. Sad to say, I'm hoping it's sooner rather than later, so we can give them some stability before they enter school. At that point, we'll be so happy that they are here (I can't tell you how much we worry, or how many times we've cried over those children), that I really don't care if I ever see bil or sil again. Yes, it lets them off the hook. But at least the kids will be safe. As for Bil and Sil, I could care less if they live in their car. But the kids.. that's a different matter altogether.

Blessings to you for raising that little girl. It's too bad that her own mother is a waste, but at least she is safe when she is with you. And that's saying a lot for her. It is so important for kids to have good, strong role models, so they can grow up to be worthwhile human beings.

Meghan

 

[fosterchick]

I totally understand where you are coming from. I have been and still am in a situation like yours. I have adopted two children (bio sisters). there were no blood relation to me, but lived with me for four years before we adopted them. Try not to beat yourself up with trying to make sure you do the right thing. I have found out that with showing them that we love them no matter what we are the ones they love the most. One of the them wants to see there bio-mom and one doesn't. We will be letting one see her bio-mom one day. I have been letting letter contact between the two now for a couple of years. Some letters have been fine and I have given them to her and others I have returned to bio mom stating what we didn't like. (so I feel that you always need to read them first so you can help you grand daughter). Be ready for her mom to still be a problem, our mom will promise small things as gifts but never do my daughter see them. It is a let down for her but she sees that bio mom is not really a mom, but she still needs that connection to bio family. Right now we do visit a sister to bio mom to fulfill that need for her. In Connecticut if you don't pay your support you will end up in jail, most of the time you can't get out until some money is given towards the support. Good Luck

 

[65browneyes]

I read in your initial thread that you stress honesty in your home, so I'm very glad you talked with B about her brothers.

My oldest (nearly 23 ds) was 2 when DH and I married. DS has always had anger issues, has always disagreed with DH on everything (even petty stuff like the color of the sky), and is now an alcoholic who nearly lost his life because of alcohol (he was assaulted, robbed and left for dead with a BAC of .280) in February.

He's always felt like all the 'bad' things in his life happened 'to' him, not 'because' of him or his actions. If there was a problem at school, it was so-and-so's fault because they distracted him, and I fostered that. Looking back now, I realize that rather than protecting him, I was hurting him by not teaching him to learn to deal with people. I failed to fully teach him that there were consequences to his actions.

And so.......our lives have had a lot of similarities to yours. Except my son brought a dog rather than a child home. I know, BIG difference between a dog and a child, but it's the same concept of owning up to responsibilities, particularly to another life.

Sounds like with your love and guidance, B will fair well. Always be upfront and honest with her, you may wonder if it's best for her. But, you can't change life, you can't take your DD by the shoulders and shake sense into her, although that may be exactly what you want to do. Good luck to you and your family. Stick together and you'll make it through these difficult times.

 

[cknmom]

Thank you all for your support and advice. It helps a lot.

chicken-mama- I understand what you are saying, it doesn't matter much the type of responsibility.

Still waiting to get the first letter, don't know if my mom is sending it or dropping it off Christmas.

fosterchick-I think that I will read the letters first, I used to not let them talk on the phone without me on the other end. Otherwise B would get off the phone in tears because of things that D would say. I just hate to be snoopy. I know that sometimes you have to be. When my kids were younger, if it seemed that they were having a problem, acting out, dropping grades in school, etc. I would snoop in their rooms as much as I needed, I didn't ever read their diary/journals though I usually found what I was looking for before it got to that point.

Monica