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Congrats on doing something right with your son. I thought I was helping last night with the situation with his dad and it turns out I just made it worse for my son. His saw his dad at the Library and went to say hi and his dad was less than enthusiastic. When my son told me how disappointed he was I texted his dad and asked him to please not hurt his son's feelings anymore. He then exchanged texts later on in the evening basically telling DS that he didn't see him as his son anymore because he feels that DS is basically on my side. What an A$$! So yeah, I got the "MOM stay out of things with my dad". Screwed that one up. So I know how you feel when you finally do something right. I was just so tired of picking up the pieces and since I am the one paying for counseling, I thought I had a right to tell him to at least watch what he says or does. I thought just maybe he didn't know he had hurt DS feelings. Man, I wish these situations came up with directions on how to handle them. Sorry about your in-laws Zgoatlady. They can be a pain. Luckily mine are wonderful.
This is just my personal opinion...but I think what you did was right (whether your DS liked it or not), but that his dad knew very well what he was doing/saying and he meant to hurt your DS feelings. It was not accidental, it was intentional. He is trying to make your DS pick sides, which is not fair for the kid. You say your inlaws are great...can you "quietly drop a comment" to them that they might want to talk with their son and how he is treating their grandson? But your DS dad is being immature and spiteful.
Some 17 years ago, my DH had his son (after much court drama) come for a visit to our house over here. WOW, the drama when we picked the boy up. The mom was crying and huggng and telling DH's son good bye as they would never see each other again as we were going to steal him away and blah, blah, blah. Well, we tried for years and years to have a relationship with DH's son (yes he paid his child support regardless). She promised the boy things all he time as long as he would like her best. We finally gave up. He never got the things she promised. We even went to the school and requested they enforce the Becca bill to force him to go to school. Here he was...in grade school and she would let him stay up until midnight, 2 or 3...and then not go to school the next morning because he was tired. Ya think? Well, now said boy is around 22...no job, quit school, Hair down his back. He says he can't get a job because of his hair....CUT IT OFF...She just emailed my DH and asked if she could have $1300.00 so she and son could get an apartment. I told DH he had better not even send her $13. (we do not have an extra $1300 siting around anyways). She is used to handouts.