What's the funniest thing you've ever seen or heard?

[CalicoFarm]

Ok, BYC family, it's been a bad few days and I need some cheering up. So, post some of your funny stories, pictures or just anything funny in general. I'm sure we could all use a good laugh.

 

[chicnfarmer]

Real Hollywood Stories with Charlie Murphy and Rick James on The Chappel Show always makes me laugh.

 

[Nupine]

Bad little childrens:
Alex [my 5 yr old nephew]: Why is your belly like that?
Me: Like what?
Alex: Like you're having a baby!
Me: :O
Alex: You're having a baby! You're having a baby!
Me: I am NOT having a baby!
Alex: Yes you are!
Me: Is my belly really that big?
Alex: Yes!
Me: Where?
Alex: Everywhere!
Me: *sigh*

BTW...I'm really not that fat, I'm 5' 5'' and 140 pounds. I don't look pregnant!

 

[Quail_Antwerp]

Here's one for you....this was a phone call I got today....(to give a little back ground, my sister in law and I have similar names - as in only one letter different - but my name is not pronounced the same as hers. Few people know this, so it causes A LOT of confusion!)

me: hello?
caller: hello, may I please speak with Mrs. ______ ________
me: may I ask who's calling?
caller: my name is _________ (I don't remember her name, we'll just call her Mrs. Rose)
me: OK
Mrs. Rose: is this Mrs. ________
me: yes.....
Mrs. Rose: Mrs. _________ My name is Mrs. Rose and I'm calling on behalf of Capital One -
Me (in a very dazed and confused voice): Capital One?!
Mrs. Rose: yes, Capital One -
Me: as in the bank??
Mrs. Rose: Capital One as in the Credit Card -
Me: wait! wait - are you calling for <I give SIL's full name with middle initial>
Mrs. Rose: yes
Me: ok, well, she lives in Florida, and I'm in Ohio and her name is spelled <I give the spelling of her name followed by the spelling of my name and my middle initial>
Mrs. Rose: OK ma'am, I'm very sorry, if you don't mind we'll record this call for quality assurance
me: wait, if you want to contact her right now she's at <hospital> where she just gave birth to her second child and if you'd like to reach her husband google <BIL's name> and add real estate agent after his name and it will pull his name and contact number - and his spiel promises that unlike other agents, he WILL answer the phone after midnight....
Mrs. Rose: <deafening silence>
me: hello? did you get all that?
Mrs. Rose: thank you ma'am, please give us three days to get your number out of our system and we'll try to contact them
*click*

 

[smileybritches]

 

[Sherry]

My 80 year old grandmother went to an emu farm. They were touting emu as the best red meat, low cholesterol, tastes better than beef, etc. etc.

They were giving away emu burgers for people to try. So she and two of my uncles had one. They all three take a bite, and the looks on their faces told me I was very glad I didn't get one. My uncles were too polite to say anything so they swallowed their bite and quietly made their way to a trash can to throw away the rest of their burgers. My grandmother, being 80, didn't really care what people thought. She turns her head, leans over, and spits it out on the ground.

She later tells me, that as a child growing up during the depression she had to eat many things she didn't like, but she had never tasted anything as bad as emu.

She then says, and I will quote as best I can, "I have heard Daddy (my grandfather) talk about a dog licking his hind end to get the taste out of his mouth. If I could've, I would've".

She has been gone many years now, but I can't see an emu and not think of Mammaw.

 

[Sherry]

Here's another one.

I work for a vet. We did a Rabies Clinic at a local pet store. They had various reptiles and were kind enough to get a large blue tongued skink out and let us hold it.
We took some pics.

The practice manager puts the pics on our website.

The picture of our office manager holding the skink is titled....

Here is ______ with a skank.

 

[JetBlack]

This is a cut-n-paste so the spelling errors are left in. I am editing the potty mouth....

*****************************

Where: The Screaming Yack on Fransis
When: Last night around 7:00pm

My brother-in law and I went into the Yack for a couple beers last night and he convinced me to try there screaming deamon hot wings, and like a fool I felt coragous enough to accept the callange where if you eat 1 lb of their wings in 15 mins or less you get the wings for free. I didn't think there could be anything worse then when I ate 2 habinero chilli pepers back to back last summer so it wasn't a big deal to me.

So if fill out there silly little waiver that express how stupid I am, sign the bottem and have placed infront of me 1 lb of normal sized heavly saturated hotwings. The waitress made some little stupid annoucement everyone cheers then starts a timer and set it on our table. With all eyes on me I dive right in fingers first and pic up a noral sized blackend drumb wing and tear it up, no problem this is going to be easy (hahahaha suckers). I pick up the next wing devour it to the bone when I start to feel the effect I remember so well back when I ate the ******* habiniro's. I put the sensation on hold as I dig out of this soup of sauce my 3rd wing. About this time I start to realise just what I had gotten myself into, all pride and arregance aside I made a HUGE ******* mistake. After finishing the 3rd wing within a span of 2 minuets tops, I took my fingers and dug out 4 more wings that were resting quietly under the pool of sauce and knew that continuing was just NOT worth it.

I wish I could express to all of you the exact sensation or pure pain I began to feel once I pushed the small basket of wings away from me as i attempted to wipe my mouth with a napkin and take a sip of my kokenne. I quckly realised how much of a failer I was as I got up to wash my hands carefull not to fully devoldge the true horror that was shadowing my entire body. It was unbelievable!! As I sat back down from washing my hands and mouth I began to self reflect on my worsining state. The glands on the sides of my throat had began to swell and pulseate in rythem with the arteries in my neck. I could litterly feel my juggler artery increace in pressure by 10 fold. As I sat there unsure of just what I had done to my body or if it was going to get worse I began to tingle. First in my cheeks, then my ears, then back of my head when like you stand up to quick and soon my entire body down to my toes tingles. It didn't stop for over 5 minuets after which I told my bro-inlaw he's a **** and I hated him. We hung out at the Yack for an hour, talked to a few gawkers who wanted to now what they tasetd like, played a few games of pool & bs'ed before I had to go home.

I thought the worse was over after downing a glass of milk and a few tumbs when I got home. But shortly after turning on my ps3 I realised somthing was terrably wrong with my stumic. Pain that I can only assume as a darn ulser or some kind of stumic cramps that were from hell it self started and lasted all night.. From 11pm to 5:50am everytime I stood up after sitting; sitting after standing; laying one side and shifting to the other my stumic became on fire, It was pure debilitating white knuckled torture!! It even hurt to go number one! The second ******* worst experice of my life..

Cliffs: I'm a ******* idot..
__________________

 

[PineappleMama]

Not the funniest, just the latest... still hunting for the funniest, darn I get a lot of forwards!

Women are like apples on trees. The best ones are at the top of the tree. Most men don't want to reach for the good ones because they are afraid of falling and getting hurt. Instead, they sometimes take te apples from the ground that aren't as good, but easy. The apples at the top think something is wrong with them, when in reality, they're amazing. They just have to wait for the right man to come along, the one who is brave enough to climb all the way to the top of the tree.

Now men... men are like a fine wine. They begin as grapes, and it's up to women to stomp the snot out of them until they turn into something acceptable to have dinner with.

Edit... here's another one... brilliant...

SINGLE BLACK FEMALE seeks male companionship, ethnicity unimportant.
I'm a very good girl who LOVES to play.
I love long walks in the woods, riding in your ute, hunting, camping and fishing trips, cozy winter nights lying by the fire.
Candlelit dinners will have me eating out of your hand.
I'll be at the front door when you get home from work, wearing only what nature gave me.
Call ( 01409434328) and ask for Daisy, I'll be waiting....

Over 15,000 men found themselves talking to the RSPCA StKilda...

Sorry but that one had me ROLLING... brilliant, just brilliant.

 

[pdsavage]

Total Eclipse of the Heart: Literal Video Version