Chronically Late people

[Mak]

Late m-i-l, late sister, late friends- try being married to a chronically late person! No one, and I mean no one, has been able to change him. If we need to be somewhere at a specific time, I always tell him we need to leave before we really do because then there is a ghost of a chance that he might be ready. Drives us all crazy! When the girls were younger and we were going somewhere, he'd say: "We'll leave at 11:30." 11:30 would come, all four of us would be waiting at the door, and he'd be still tying his shoes or finishing dressing or whatever.

And it's not that he doesn't care or anything like that. He just gets focused on what he is doing before he needs to go, and loses all sense of time. Alarms? Timers? Tried that. He just shuts it off, the thought passes thru his head that he needs to go, and he keeps right on plugging away at whatever he was doing. And then half an hour before time to leave, he is just getting in the shower. Is it annoying? Sure. I get freaked out because I hate being late. To him, if it starts at 5, and he's there at 5:10, he's on time. We live with it, because we don't have a choice.

That's not to say I have just resigned myself to being late for everything. Either I tell him to be ready before he needs to be, or I just get myself ready and head out to the car. If it gets really late or I really need to be there on time, I just leave. He usually gets the hint when I put on my coat and head out the door! Tonight will be interesting. He wants to go to the dog's weekly therapy class, but has a special meeting/presentation at work today. He *says* he can skip or leave early and that he will. We'll see. I may be pacing the floor in front of the door......

 

[BlackBart]

I know a couple of people that do not have brain injuries and are always late and not just by 10 minutes. I'm talking sometimes 1/2 hour to a hour.
I think it is rude and inconsiderate for them to think that somebody else's time is not worthy. Now if they are more than 10 minutes late, the event has been planned for awhile, we phone and if they are just running late, we leave without them.
Time for them to grow up.

 

[ChooksChick]

It's too bad folks who don't understand the various conditions that can make a person chronically late jump to the idea that the person MUST be a narcissist or self-absorbed.

I'm not either and I am often late. I am also often early...sometimes by a day. It's a product of ADD, and I DO have a smart phone and use email and alarms and whatnot....


I have spent my whole life developing coping mechanisms to try to avoid the issue, but it only works so much. I am often still late. This does not equate to INTENT or SELFISHNESS.

Intolerance and judgment on the part of those who don't have this problem really doesn't do anything but breed contempt. Explain that you understand that person's time frame may not be the same and move on...but don't assume it has anything more to it than that the person has a challenging problem that affects others as much as it does that person.

Unfortunately, one of the major problems with being ADD is that everyone assumes it's within the control of the person with ADD to fix everything by choosing not to be that way. I can't choose to be like you any more than my husband can choose to not be diabetic. I try to control my disease to the best of my ability just as he does. The judgment and disdain with which others treat us just beats down our self-esteem. It doesn't make the disease go away.

Try being less judgmental about the chronically late. No one wants to be a huge pain in someone else's day...every day.

 

[AllTheseCreatures]

I guess I should feel fortunate the thought of being late makes me feel super anxious and I do everything I can to avoid it.

I HAVE had a couple people in my life that were chronically late. She did have ADD. I just started giving her an earlier time than I gave everyone else. That mostly solved the problem. She would show up in a rush and gushing with apologies, she genuinely felt bad. I don't recall feeling frustrated or angry with her, she was otherwise a wonderful, kind person. It was very easy to forgive and understand!

ON THE OTHER HAND. I have known one person who wasn't just chronically late, she was also chronically unaffected by how that affected everyone else. She honestly did. not. care. That is a little harder to feel any sympathy for. Pretty soon her lack of empathy was followed by my lack of empathy and the friendship dissolved.

 

[Laurajean]

Quote:
That is all true. We should not assume that EVERYONE is narcissistic because they are chronically late. On the other hand, many people ARE selfish and inconsiderate. My father is a good example of this. There is nothing wrong with him, no illness, etc. He simply thinks his time is more valuable than mine, plain & simple, and that is selfish. So I think chronically late people fall into both categories: good reason and no good reason. Everyone doesn't have a diagnosis, although of course some people do.

 

[NGT ANGL]

Quote:

 

[RoeDylanda]

I've learned to pay attention to whether or not the chronically late person is on time for things that are important to *her.* Which is how I wound up meeting a beloved relative at the door 90 minutes after she'd promised to come over and visit the kids to tell her that they were getting ready for bed, it was too late to start visiting, and we'd try again a different day. If looks could kill I'd be toes-up in the ground right now, but you know what? If she can be on time for the hairdresser, she can be on time for my children. She's better now, usually only a few minutes late. That woman could get "stuck behind a school bus" on Christmas Day.

 

[welsummerchicks]

My main advice is to not get angry. You may not ever know why a person is late. You may not want to. People often have some very serious problems that they keep to themselves. Sometimes you would really be horrified if you knew what was really going on.

I was furious at one woman who was 'late' to meet me at her home to put me up for the night. She wasn't answering the phone - it was dark, I was broke down on the highway, it was a disaster. I later found out every time I called she tried to get to the phone - she had fallen, had gone to emergency, had surgery, was in a Thomson's cast, and was crawling across the floor to try and answer the phone every time I called.

One guy I knew was very frequently either unavailable or late. He actually had been in a business that had gone belly up - his partner took off with the business' funds and he was left to pay off all the debts. He was constantly having to meet with the courts, the police, lawyers, and he was constantly getting hounded. This went on for almost 2 decades. He acted like a hunted animal. We all thought he was crazy, he was so erratic acting.

The other reason for lateness can be one's job.

I had a supervisor for a long time who always would block you from leaving if she knew you were planning to go someplace or had an appointment. If you were walking out at 5 she'd say, 'Where the h*** do you think YOU'RE going?' This was another place with no hours and no time clock. Because, well, there were no hours - or if they were, they were 24/7!

Oh actually I had two like that.

Another one kept me for an hour and a half after telling me he had to 'take a p***'. I had a doctor's appointment; I was charged for not making it. As soon as the clock ticked 1:30 and I was officially late for the doctor's appointment, he waltzed back to his desk.

OH! No, there were three!

But one was a peer. He'd walk out at 4:30 pm, and dump his unfinished (emergency repair) work on my desk, say he couldn't figure it out, I would need to do it or the system won't come up tomorrow, and of course that's my responsibility, to keep the system up.

Sometimes the boss doesn't SAY you have to stay, but you know you have to. You get a call from some desperate person out in the field who can't get something to work. You have to stay and fix whatever crisis comes up, or they make it fairly clear they'll find someone else who will. Not all jobs have hours and time clocks, but a good many jobs are basically - well - endless. I had one job where I didn't work less than 16 hours a day for two years.

And in one case, the boss (the SAME boss that let Mr. 4:30 smoke cigarettes on the loading dock 7 hrs a day) sandbagged a project due to a management dispute, and wouldn't let us start work until 6 weeks before the 'drop dead date', my team of 5 worked, literally, nonstop for six weeks to get it done. Weekends, nights. We worked until we couldn't think any more then we'd catnap and wake up and work some more.

A study was recently done and it found that at many jobs, people were actually afraid to take a vacation day - ONE vacation day - PART of a vacation day - because they were afraid someone would find some way to stab them in the back while they were gone. In an environment like that, many people are afraid to leave on time. I even went without medical care at a job like that.

I know it's hard to believe for those who work hourly and have always had a time at which they punch out, but in a good many situations, people don't have hours - but they might as well - 24/7, basically. Those people basically own you. Many people can't afford to lose their jobs and they are constantly running scared that they will - or get a bad review that will wind up with them getting let go/laid off.

Being 'owned' isn't bad at all if you love what you do, and if you have some kinds of jobs, you can expect to have irregular hours and long hours. It isn't really a bad thing - such jobs can be very exciting and rewarding AND can pay very, very well. The trouble comes when hiring managers tell you there WON'T be extra hours, and you take the job because it fits in well with family or education you're pursuing.

Of course, we also had people who were busy staying late because those were better hours to be going through the executive's trash cans, combing through files, or hacking into the email system, to try and see what was going on - or they were undoing someone else's work and claiming it as theirs, or the like!!!

But in general, there are a great many people who, they don't REALLY have any fixed hours, and they constantly get nailed with some crisis or someone else not pulling their weight.

 

[country lady]

I have a relative like that but she has never missed a Carnival cruise, airplane trip, or anything she really cared about. It is a selfish thing with her; she is the only one important. I let it be known in my family that dinner is a certain time. Plans start on time. Only excuse is breaking a leg, etc. It is rude and this relative never apologizes. Maybe it is an attention getter. Who knows, but it is not my problem. If I can be on time, so can everybody else, I figure.

 

[mississippifarmboy]

I live in the deep South. I'm hardly ever late, but sure glad time isn't set in stone here. Dr apointment, work, family yeehaw, school function - yeah, I try to be on time.


Otherwise around here on the farm there are only two times. Day time and night time.

Don't see any reason to rush somewhere to stand in line.