Hyroler
Songster
- Aug 1, 2017
- 501
- 1,019
- 146
Nothing you can do.Your daughter is going to date who she wants to date.I wouldn't blame New guy.I suggest not getting attached to her boyfriends.Its ok to be friendly and make them feel welcome but that's about it.If here last boyfriend was really that great it won't take long for her to realize she screwed up.Maybe she will learn and next time a guy that's good for her comes along she won't take him for granted.I’m so glad I decided to log in here tonight. I’ve felt like a horrible failure as a parent the last day and a half...
Unfortunately after a short span of “good days” where it seemed my daughter and her boyfriend were working things out, she suddenly did a 180 again and broke up with him for good yesterday. It came as a shock because that morning I was with them and they were perfectly fine, laughing and smiling and doing great. They were even getting ready to drive to NC last night for a few days...and then all the sudden she went out with a couple friends, and said she broke up with him. Though she said she loves him, there was absolutely no emotion from her over it (except anger directed at me, which I’ll get to in a second). Anyway, when she told me I just kind of rolled my eyes and said it was her decision. She claimed that he was “too verbally abusive and controlling” (I’ve never seen evidence of this at all) and also claimed that he was “forcing her to go to NC” (again, they had both been fine that morning and seemed happy to be getting away). When she told me flat out that I wasn’t to talk to him, that’s where I drew the line and said I wouldn’t ignore him if he reached out to me. Needless to say that made her angry and she stormed out of the room.
As for the anger—we had a horrible night afterward. For starters, she broke up with him via text message while he was at work (GRRRR!). When I found out, I went to her and told her that she needed to be an adult and do it in person. Her friends were still here, and one tried to interject—I shut her down immediately and said I was tired of the adolescent drama from all of them (these friends have a habit of acting like middle schoolers and never taking responsibility for anything...they’re all 20-something...and this particular friend has been vocal in her dislike of the boyfriend for various childish reasons).
After this, my daughter left for awhile with them. The boyfriend, of course, showed up frazzled and confused to pick up his things that he had left here. I texted her and told her she needed to come home and deal with the situation (he had left). She texted me back to say she had given his stuff to the one friend (the one who hates him) to deliver to him at his work. That, to me, was just heartless. Seriously, I raised her better than this...sigh.
So...when she got home, she and I fought to the point that she got up in my face and screamed horrible things. I went to slap her (not my best moment, but she had me practically cornered) and she backed away. My fingers barely made contact, and she screamed again, pushed me, and threatened to call the police on me (again, I barely touched her...my fingers grazed her but that was it). That was when I finally had it. I told her I didn’t raise her to be cruel or disrespectful, and that if that’s who she wanted to be then she could leave.
Like I said, it was a bad night...this also caused a slight rift between me and my younger daughter who really doesn’t understand what was happening or why we were fighting. She simply saw me kick out her sister and got upset at me for it.
Anyway, my husband changed our lock codes after she left (which she’d given out to her friends and the boyfriend too). Eventually my mother intervened and told her that while she’s entitled to break up with someone, the way she did so was cruel and childish (strangely enough, my dauaghter agreed with my mother even though I had said the same thing). Daughter ended up coming home after my mother mediated, but under the condition that she was not to talk to me or approach me for a few days. She also will not get the new lock codes until my husband and I have had a chance to sit down and discuss ground rules for her to stay on a temporary basis while she looks for a job, gets a drivers license, and finds a place of her own—this includes no friends coming and going at all hours of the night, no guys staying over, and she will come home at a reasonable time (not 3am) or stay somewhere else overnight. I also do not want to hear a single thing regarding her personal life unless she is in danger.
I hate feeling like this and being like this. I love my daughter, but I can’t handle the constant drama and BS anymore. She’s out of control right now—I’ve found empty alcohol containers in my shower, she quit her job, she doesn’t take her medications regularly, and lashing out at me won’t be tolerated. She claims she’s mad that I’m taking the boyfriend’s side, and in at least some ways she’s right because she’s been horrible to him. She also refuses to accept that by bringing him into our lives and making him a part of the family, there are consequences to that (her sister is devastated now because she viewed him as a big brother, and I had started to view him as a son).
I just don’t know what else to do.
