Daughter broke up with boyfriend and I'm the one depressed!

[mountain chicken]

ok then

 

[connie1966]

Hi guys wondering how everyone is doing? Its been years for me and still not one day goes by that i dont think of him and miss him, but hes all grown up now and engaged to be married, its weird , but im happy hes being loved hes such a good kid , he mourned my daughter for about 4 years he deserves to be happy, shes since broke up with her boyfriend after 4 1/2 years, well he broke up with her, its life .. i felt nothing for him thankfully, shes kinda seeing a sweet boy who can easily be in my heart , but her first love is my heart , i feel like its a death, anyway , it gets better but we will love them forever !

 

[Coffeeluvr]

Hi Connie, it's good to hear from you. It's been years for me now, too. And, same as you, there's not a day that I don't think about him, wonder what he's doing, and always hope for some contact or visit.
My situation has evolved a bit, though. My daughter and her ex are still in touch, intermittently. She's had a very rough few years, emotionally - drugged and raped, among other awful dramas. I've learned that they track each other's location thru Snapchat, so he called her to check up on her when she briefly left college (despite having acquired a new girlfriend). He likes all of her posts on social media and will sometimes comment. She likes his and once stated she missed him with a heart, which he liked back. I wonder what his girlfriend thought about that.
My daughter follows his girlfriend's private social media account- which I think is weird. And my daughter also has a boyfriend - which she says makes her feel more safe, like her ex did. Which I appreciate.
And we're all Facebook friends now (at his request), so that's nice.
There have been many times that I really felt like things were back on track- they will graduate and get back together again. However, I know that neither one wants to live here again, so they would have a lot of hurdles and compromising to do. They are definitely adventurous and capable of that.
But.......I have lots of anxieties about the future (realistically what will likely happen) and depression occurs quickly when I don't hear from him in a while. I worry that the current girlfriend is " the one", because I don't know differently. And I worry that my daughter has become such a train wreck, that he may lose respect for her.
But then I remind myself that they've talked about their high school relationship, what her issue was that triggered the breakup (besides college) and stated that they still have a deep love for each other. And she told him she hasn't been stable since their breakup.
When I know they're in contact in any way- I am just so confident in my belief that they should be together. It's like the sun suddenly came out.
But, I have to prepare myself that it's so unlikely to play out the way I think it should.
I try to just be logical and be thankful for today and now. And I know that if he still loves her, he will check in with her before getting married to someone else.
You are tough, Connie. It will kill me to learn of any engagements. I try to prepare myself, but it sends me to a very, very sad and angry place.
Take care - I think of you often
Coffeeluvr

 

[Coffeeluvr]

So, it's been a few months and I have an update if anyone is still checking this blog.
I met up with my daughter's ex (now 4 years later) at his invitation. He and my daughter are still friends, which he's happy about, although he stated that "she's changed". He's graduated college now and is figuring out what to do as a career. We had great, totally honest and open communication.
The bombshell he dropped on me is that he's purchased a ring and is planning on asking his girlfriend of 1 year to marry.
He gave me reasons of: she wants to live where I do, we both are interested in military, and then you have to be kept near each other, we have friends that had a baby and it was so cute, got a great price on the ring.
He also told me that while his mom likes this girlfriend, she always misses my daughter being around.
I could only reply that he's so young and are you sure? Which is when I got the above written answers.
I am devastated and heartbroken.
I cannot go through the helpless nightmare again. And I feel that he's given me the right to give him my opinion, now that I'm able to process better.
I wonder why he wanted to tell me. He's only 22 and I just think he's looking for security with the best girlfriend he's had since my daughter (his words).
Both of his siblings (several years older) are getting married this year, too, which may be part of his trigger.
Anyway, I'm getting messed up again.
Any feedback is appreciated
Coffeeluvr

 

[clynn23]

HI - Brand new here, so happy to have found this. I have had breakups and some sorrow. This time I am grieving as much as my 27 year old daughter. The breakup caught us out of the blue. They had only been together for 6 months. I fell in love with them as a couple, with him, and all the dreams one shouldn't dream. (Infact the dreams popped into my head uninvited.) Anyway I have spent the past hour reading all your comments. It helps that I am not as insane as I feel. I never imagined these types of emotions. I have only been at this type of grief, for this situation for 24 hours, but it feels like it could last forever.

 

[clynn23]

Hello! I have to second the above poster- I just googled the subject “daughter broke up” and found this forum and I also don’t have chickens, LOL. I thought I was absolutely crazy to feel so sad and devastated about my daughter’s break up with her wonderful, sweet, kind BF. I have not cried this much in ages. It has only been a few days and I am trying so hard not to interfere, which means giving my daughter tons of space so she doesn’t hear my crying!! Anyway, hello all, and if anyone wants to share more, I am also here. So glad to know that I am not alone- thought I was losing it for sure!

I just joined tonight for the same reason. I was so glad to tell my husband about this forum because I kept feeling like I was insane. He is sad for her but not grief stricken like me. I wanted to someone to share the depth of pain with me. I can't keep crying with her or making her more burdened. Neither she nor I slept at all last night. We are in the desperation pain state. Feels like it will last forever.

 

[clynn23]

One last question - reaching out to him or his family. I read where some of you did. Is it recommended? If so how soon or do you just take a chance. I never met his family, but his sister and mom raised him and I want to thank them. But I don't want to be forward or creepy. He seems to be moving into a life hiberation mode. My daughter is one a few that he has detached from in the past few days. We didn't see it coming.

 

[Coffeeluvr]

I think every situation is different. My daughter’s ex was very angry and frustrated for several months. I think if I had reached out in a formal way- it would have backfired. We mostly tried to act as if they were just struggling with the college separation. Although I was seriously messed up. He was too. He recently told me that he was constantly high during that time, though working 4 jobs and finishing high school. He said he was just angry.

If I had to do it all over again, I would reach out to him with a heartfelt, but non dramatic text just saying that I respect him and I would always be there for him.
We are at that point now- 4 years later. My daughter accepts that we are friends.

But the relationship with my daughter has suffered. We are not as close and she doesn’t trust me completely anymore. On the other hand, I became way too enmeshed in her life. And I don’t share some of the values she has right now.

I guess there’s no perfect time to reach out. If he’s distancing himself, then I guess I would just text a quick, “hey- I care about you and I’m thinking about you”. That way he can reply if he wants, and you’re just being honest.

And, yes, this forum has been very helpful. You’re not nuts, just grieving the loss, which other people can’t understand.

I still feel crazy, anxious and depressed sometimes. Pictures of him with his current girlfriend or my daughter with her boyfriend trigger me still. I get angry with both of them. Supposedly it has some link with childhood abandonment...

Coffeeluvr

 

[clynn23]

You mention pictureIs of them. I have been diligent about staying away from pictures. Luckily he doesn't do facebook and I don't instagram. But my daughter wanted to show me some of their pictures. I assumed I could handle it. I couldn't. It was like everything got worse again.

I couldn't sleep, eat, anything for 2 days. I walked 4 miles at midnight to 1:30 am trying to work through things.

I am calmer today. But I am sticking with not seeing him.

It's just crazy. She has had other boyfriends, other break ups. But even she is stunned by how devastating this one is. They were only together 6 months.

Thanks for sharing your experience. I will send prayers and wishes for healing with your daughter.

 

[Fruitandnut]

Hi, I’m new here
I too am going through this I’m so glad I came across this forum whilst searching for some sort of support and reassurance that I’ve not gone completely crazy. I thought I was the only person to feel like this.
Thank you all for your posts on here. I’ve been reading through all of them and it’s been quite therapeutic.
How is everyone doing now?