Daughter broke up with boyfriend and I'm the one depressed!

[Loreli]

Hi- I’m doing ok. Still missing him every single day. And missing them. For the first year, I was also afraid that if I let myself feel happy at all, that it would be disloyal to him and that I would be really saying goodbye. But then I realized that it was time to say goodbye to their high school relationship and the past. And it didn’t mean that there would never be a future relationship in some manner. And I remembered what I felt like at that age- if my mom had insisted I stayed the same, frozen in time because of her needs, I would have kept a huge distance. So I guess it depends on how old your daughter is- I don’t think you’ve written that.
My daughter and whole family are aware that I stay in touch with him. I limit how much I share with my daughter, I guess to maintain that it’s a separate relationship from theirs. She says he and I are friends, and she doesn’t seem to think it’s as weird as she used to.
I don’t know if his fiancé knows that I stay in touch. Honestly, I do have ulterior motives, and I have to keep that in check. If she knows, then he’s being honest and I hope it rattles her a bit. Makes me not a nice person, but that’s the truth. If she doesn’t know- then he’s being dishonest, and he knows it. And he will have to reckon that within himself.
Based on her social media posts, she calls him the love of her life. He replied with the thumbs up, which I find funny, since he’s quite open with his emotions.
If he still loves my daughter (which I could be my fantasy that I cling to) - he will have to deal with that within himself.
Everything I have written in this blog has been the truth- including his statements to me and my daughter (that I have seen- and she’s told me). I do that so I can have as unbiased a record as possible.
And I hope that by genuinely supporting and loving him, he and my daughter start to grow the love they still have for each other. And I may very well be wrong. Only they know.
He has become more moderate in his values, so I will be sharing that with my daughter. And he just started his first career job, so she may choose to congratulate him on that. And if there’s a spark still for him- he is self aware enough to know it would be unfair to marry this girl. I’m pretty sure he feels it’s just easier to relabel my daughter as the mess he saw last year. And then move on.
Sorry this is so long, but I grabbed the time I was unexpectedly given.
Take care and I look forward to your updates
Coffeeluvr

Wow. It sounds like he is trying to replace your daughter and it’s not working. That would kill me. To think of him with someone else- even if it wasn’t real or good. Well I’d be doing what your doing. My D is 17. But very precocious. She has always been determined, focused and organized. Until she has had to handle this breakup that she started. That they cannot talk is killing me. It’s so odd. And I KNOW neither one of them anticipated or could’ve imagined that splitting up between two people who love one another, could get so ugly. It’s like they lost their ability to communicate. His friends are idiots and get him riled up and fill his head with none sense. She doesn’t really talk to may people or ask for advice on what to say, but she gets some of it anyhow- and it’s advice that’s not good and not her. It’s like she is so vulnerable and sad that any stupid thing they hear about the other it seems like they believe- or at least it gets the best of them and they get upset. She doesn’t stick up for self and she doesn’t try to dispel rumors. Is it just a function of age? She’s too mature for that. We used to have heart to heart talks about him. Now she won’t mention him to me. I’ve tried to spy around, but I’m scared of getting caught. Fake social media... is do it but I don’t know how. Somehow I still see their future in my head. I could be faking myself but I sort of don’t think so. I have such a clear image and I feel like I just know they’ll get married at some point. I want to run into him. I try to accidentally see him or at least I hope to. I just want them to talk But my inner guy says she is hurting and just doesn’t want to put herself out there. I always thought he was hurting and loves her. I haven’t seen him so I don’t know. The days of him practically living here are fading from my mind and that makes me so sad. Like when you start to loose the image of a loved one that passed on.
I love reading your updates. It’s like I finally have someone to talk to . I don’t dare tell anyone local- they’ll think I’m crazy. Hoping to hear from you again soon with your updates. Thanks for reading

 

[Coffeeluvr]

Wow. It sounds like he is trying to replace your daughter and it’s not working. That would kill me. To think of him with someone else- even if it wasn’t real or good. Well I’d be doing what your doing. My D is 17. But very precocious. She has always been determined, focused and organized. Until she has had to handle this breakup that she started. That they cannot talk is killing me. It’s so odd. And I KNOW neither one of them anticipated or could’ve imagined that splitting up between two people who love one another, could get so ugly. It’s like they lost their ability to communicate. His friends are idiots and get him riled up and fill his head with none sense. She doesn’t really talk to may people or ask for advice on what to say, but she gets some of it anyhow- and it’s advice that’s not good and not her. It’s like she is so vulnerable and sad that any stupid thing they hear about the other it seems like they believe- or at least it gets the best of them and they get upset. She doesn’t stick up for self and she doesn’t try to dispel rumors. Is it just a function of age? She’s too mature for that. We used to have heart to heart talks about him. Now she won’t mention him to me. I’ve tried to spy around, but I’m scared of getting caught. Fake social media... is do it but I don’t know how. Somehow I still see their future in my head. I could be faking myself but I sort of don’t think so. I have such a clear image and I feel like I just know they’ll get married at some point. I want to run into him. I try to accidentally see him or at least I hope to. I just want them to talk But my inner guy says she is hurting and just doesn’t want to put herself out there. I always thought he was hurting and loves her. I haven’t seen him so I don’t know. The days of him practically living here are fading from my mind and that makes me so sad. Like when you start to loose the image of a loved one that passed on.
I love reading your updates. It’s like I finally have someone to talk to . I don’t dare tell anyone local- they’ll think I’m crazy. Hoping to hear from you again soon with your updates. Thanks for reading

Hi and how are you doing?
I wanted to let you know that my daughter and her ex weren’t able to really talk for several months. I now am able to see that it was a genuinely painful for both of them. More so for him. But at 18 they just didn’t have the ability to handle any better way. They did check on each directly and indirectly on and off for many months. And then there were a few parting nasty and sometimes desperate attempts by him before he moved 2000 miles away for college. She tried to act happy and be friends, but he still wanted more, and was pretty open about it. She’d say no and he’d get pissed and say stupid stuff.
They have talked it out several times over the years and are good now. I have no doubt they will call each other with the ups and downs of their lives. Particularly when it concerns when their love lives are tanking. Not out of desperation for the ex, but as genuine friends. I’ve seen their texts all up until last year. They genuinely care about the other one. He’s a great great guy.
I should check in again with him.
And I still haven’t given my daughter his updates. I guess I’m afraid she may not care as much as I want her to.
Please give me your updates- it helps
Coffeeluvr

 

[Loreli]

Hi ! It does help I agree. My updates. Where to start. I miss him. I miss them as one. But I miss having a son who genuinely liked me and treated like a mom. I know so little of the day to day stuff. I think he was trying to apologize and try to get back together, but my sense is that he’s not being aggressive about showing it- like maybe he’s not as head over heals as he was? He’d argue that though. I know it. He took her for granted I think. But he has horrible friends who will kind of encourage bad behavior so then he can be hurtful with words.
I feel my D is missing him deep down. But she wants to explore and just see what it feels like to be a teenager without a bf.

 

[Loreli]

I guess it feels like strong negative feelings toward one another came quickly and left. My D won’t mention if they’ve spoken. She’ll talk to me about other boys and social stuff. But not concerning him. Then over the last couple weeks it’s like his name comes up from time to time and it’s ok. Something is changing. I don’t know how though.

 

[Fruitandnut]

Hi I’m a bit of a lurker in this thread so it’s nice to see it’s still alive. I sometimes come here to get comfort when I’m having a hard time. I can relate to you all so much and the things you say, it’s comforting to see I’m not the only one that feels this frowned upon grief. My whole story is far too long to explain so I’ll keep it brief.
I posted here a year ago whilst grieving for my daughters ex, she’s 19, he’s 22, he became one of the family and my maternal instinct unofficially adopted him as a son of my own after his mum passed away. I still have the odd connection with him now, my son is also friends with him. Like I said It’s a very long story but in brief, last summer he and my daughter parted ways after 2 years, his doing, but they have always remained friends. He then moved hundreds of miles away to uni, I grieved for him, the distance was so far, I missed him terribly, which resulted in me finding this thread. They have always continued to talk as friends, and he’s visited us a few times throughout the year when he’s popped back to our area. at one point earlier in the year it looked like they might rekindle their relationship and I got my hopes up, he got cold feet though with the distance and started to date someone else in his uni city. Then covid happened and he returned back home to our area again whilst the unis where closed and again he and my daughter began to talk more often and got flirty again but now he’s moved back to his new accommodation at uni and has got back with the girl he was dating before covid and this time things look to have quickly turned a bit more serious with them, declaring himself officially in a relationship on social networks and posting pictures of her which I’m ashamed to say saddens me when I see them and I feel terrible when as a mother figure I should be happy for him. I get a sense that things arnt completely rosey in this new relationship of his though with some of the things I’ve seen on social media. I’m trying to be happy for him, I really am, but I’m sad because I miss him and my daughter together, I would love for them to be happy together again and for him to head back home after he graduates and I know my daughter still loves him. Even though in my head I know that right now the distance is a deal breaker for them both, in my heart I have a feeling they can’t quite let go of each other and they are meant to be together again one day when the time is right, that classic head vs heart problem.
I miss seeing and hearing him around the house, and just his presence of being in our local area, close enough to drop in and visit us. Although I still have some occasional contact with him and we’re on the social networks, he’s quite independent, so I am careful not to come across as the crazy woman who won’t leave him alone so we don’t message all that often and he knows I’m always here for him.
I miss him loads and I’m not sure if we will even see him again now his accommodation and relationship situation has changed
I wish I didn’t have such a strong maternal instinct and never got so attached, it really does feel like a child of my own has left home to start a new life far away without us Thank you for sharing your stories. Best wishes to you all x

 

[Loreli]

Hi @Fruitandnut. I got an alert that a post came
In on this thread but silly as it sounds, was saving reading it til I could be aline with myself and enjoy the ‘conversation.’ I haven’t really talked to anyone about my feelings and the situation other than on this thread. I wish so bad we could actually have a dialogue. I want to cry. And cry and cry. And I’d like to hear your whole story. As Coffeeluvr has said, it really does help to hear others stories and updates.
my daughter aNd this boy we’re together for two years too. And like you, he was an adopted son. My d broke up with him but not for lack of love. Just cuz I think she felt he wasn’t treating her as well as he should have been. That he was loosing interest. He’ll swear he wasn’t. Who knows. But he thought of our family as his rock. And we were. All of us.
it’s a lot to write...easy to talk and say. Today I’ve had a relapse of sadness. My heart is squashed. Like son is gone. Making stupid choices and bad life decisions and I cannot help. My d has a fair weather friend who shehasn’t seen in ages... she loves to be the gossip and spread rumors. She was drunk one night and tellingme all kinds of stupid stories. Some having to do with the bf and some not. There is probably a sliver of truth to every story... then she adds her own stuff. But those word enrage me. And it’s got to be poison to my d who saysshe knows the girl is a gossip and a bit of a liar. For me my blood boils. And I’m sure she shares things about my d that aren’t true to cause trouble too. For ex, my d can go out to dinner with a guy friend.... she’ll tell the old bf or his friends that she’s dating.
do you get alerts about this thread? I’d love to talk more. I was doing ok but now I’m not. My heart is melted and I have so much I’d love to say but I get scared to write it for fear she or he would some day see it.
I hope to hear back from you and Coffeeluvr soon.
I too am. Glad to know I’m not alone. Cuz I sure do feel it.

 

[Fruitandnut]

Hey @Loreli No I don’t get any sort of alerts to the replies on here, I only see them if I come and check out the thread.
I’m sorry your not doing so well at the moment, I feel exactly what your going through, I am feeling much the same as you. Some days I’m better than others but it only takes me to see somthing On social media (I probably shouldn’t look) or Somthing that reminds me of him and my heart is sinking with So much sadness I could cry, if I’m honest at the moment I’m feeling a bit consumed with sadness and trying to come to terms with his new relationship which hurts to see, especially after the hope he gave my daughter, and It makes it all feel so real that the possibility of him coming home again and he and my daughter rekindling becoming slimmer, even though in my heart I still have this gut feeling they are meant to be together again one day, but that could just be me wishful thinking I guess, but my daughter has said the same thing. Who knows but for now he appears to be trying to make a go of it with his new relationship hundreds of miles away and I just want to feel happy for him but I’m struggling with that because I miss him so much.
I don’t really feel comfortable going into much detail on a public thread if I’m honest and the whole story is very long and complicated to explain in places but I wanted to show You all my gratitude for sharing your feelings and helping me feel like I’m not the only one who feels this grief that I am trying to overcome and not doing a very good job of at the moment. I can totally relate to so much all of you have posted in this thread

 

[Fruitandnut]

@Loreli I’d also like to add that I havnt fully shared these feelings with anyone either other than my daughter who I also try to keep the full extent of my grief from. My friends and family Know I miss him but I feel like they don’t See why and wouldn’t understand The extent of sadness I’m feeling, to them it’s just a person who’s moved away. I have to try and hide how Much I miss him from everyone around me which is also where this thread feels a bit of a relief to let out some of those feeling

 

[Loreli]

@Loreli I’d also like to add that I havnt fully shared these feelings with anyone either other than my daughter who I also try to keep the full extent of my grief from. My friends and family Know I miss him but I feel like they don’t See why and wouldn’t understand The extent of sadness I’m feeling, to them it’s just a person who’s moved away. I have to try and hide how Much I miss him from everyone around me which is also where this thread feels a bit of a relief to let out some of those feeling

Yup. @Fruitandnut Wow. Everything you’re saying could be my words. I’m not compatible all talking on a public thread . I cannot imagine my d ever ever coming across this but who knows. Crazier things have happened. There is so much I’d like to share and get opinions on. Or just share... it feels like throwing up. Like you, I have not talked to anyone really. A tiny bit here and there but not any real detail. Like if your holding your breath and going to pop so u let the tiniest bit in to help yourself if only a little bit.
mom so very grateful for this thread even though, it’s true, I’m too nervous to really tell all the details. I have had friends who’s kids ended relationships and they don’t really get it. I loved him like a son. I took care of him. Helped him get into college. Made sure he had what he needed, etc. now I’m so angry and hurt by his actions (or rumors) that I want to slap him good for hurting my d. But then I’d hug him and tell
him I love him and that I am worried about him.The common friends (I really wouldn’t call them that) enjoy spreading rumors. He believes every stupid thing he hears and I want to scream! How dumb he can be to believe such nonsense. Then my d tells me the bs She hears and also believes. If I tell her to verify or even question the truthfulness she tells me
I’m on his side. Which is not true. I’m on the side of communication!!
But what spawned my recent feelings was just that kind of thing.... my d went out with a small group of girls. She had not seen them in quite some time. Intentionally distancing herself from them because she knew it would have repercussions with the old BF. One of the girls was drinking, and the moment she had me alone, started talking and talking all kinds of nonsense about the BF. She was also talking nonsense about things that had nothing to do with him, but they were so absurd that I knew they weren’t true. My take on these kinds of things are that there is always some truth but it’s like that crazy telephone game. By the time it got to this girls ears all the stories were blown way out of proportion. Yet somehow it had my blood boiling beyond. I knew for a fact much of it was not True, yet somehow I could not help but feel absolutely awful. That’s when I wrote my post the other night.
Well thank you again fruitandnut. And I am glad to know you’re reading my posts and that they are helping you through the process as well. I wish there were private messages on here but I don’t think there are.

 

[Fruitandnut]

@Loreli Yes it’s a shame I can’t see a way of private messaging on here.
I’m glad I could repay you some comfort From my post. Sending healing hugs to all and hoping this grieving period doesn’t last too long.
@Coffeeluvr if your still about how are you doing now? Your story is quite similar to mine too and I’m really struggling to cope with trying to let go now he’s in a new relationship and the grieving process I am going through with him starting a new life so far away that no longer involves us I’m hoping I can overcome it sooner rather than later as it’s consuming me a bit at the moment.