Daughter broke up with boyfriend and I'm the one depressed!

[bdcraw]

harv681, I'm going through the same thing. My daughter dated a wonderful young man for 4 years until she felt she wasn't ready to settle down with him. She's 25, he'll be 30 this month. They adored each other but seemed to be on different paths toward the end of the relationship. My daughter is doing ok, and she tells me he is too. But I miss him so much. We embraced him as a member of our family, and then suddenly he was out of our lives. We had no opportunity to say good bye (they live in a different city not far from ours). I'm not sure when your daughter's break up occurred but I'm wondering if things have gotten easier for you. My daughter's break up happened back in the summer and I'm sad about the upcoming holidays without her boyfriend being with us too.

 

[connie1966]

I'm so depressed I cry everyday, I saw a recent picture of him it broke my heart , I saw the change in his face it shows he suffered , she was his first love, he was so loving and sweet, I'm not sure what my original post was but he did live with us he was like my son , my daughter seems fine we don't mention him at all , I'm hoping by some miracle she will realize and want him back.. Same here I'm already thinking if the holidays without him and it's so sad , nobody gets it they can't understand why I'm so hurt and why I can't just let him go and move on , a piece of my heart is missing I miss him like crazy , I want my boy back

 

[connie1966]

She left him at the end if July

 

[lisa56]

O my gosh, this forum talking with other moms and reading these posts is just what I need. My 34 year old daughter, broke up with a wonderful man (he is 30) that has been in our lives for over 2 years, she was here with him in our home at Thanksgiving, and did this breakup in my home, the last day of the vacation. My husband and I never saw this coming. He adored her, and was perfect for her. She had been in 2 abusive relationships in the past, the last one lasted 5 years, and she was single for over 3 years until she met this new man. I prayed for a wonderful man to come into her life and he was the answer to our prayers. She states she still loves him, that she loves everything about him, his morals, tastes, humor, etc. They have wonderful time together (they did not live together), but lived a 30 minute drive from each other, but she has decided, she doesn't have an "emotional" connection with him. Needless to say, my house was a disaster last Sunday, all of us crying and sobbing, I am so grateful I got to say goodbye to him and let him know how we feel about him. I wrote a quick handwritten letter and put it in his suitcase before he left, I told him to call me anytime. He called me the next day. I was at work, burst into tears, had to run to my car to have this conversation. He told me he loves her with all his heart, and had planned on asking to marry her at Christmas. We talked for half an hour. I spoke with my daughter, and told her that she cannot bring people in our lives and then throw them out and expect us to just toss him out also. My husband and I thought of him as our son. I cannot let this go, I am crying, and break into tears when I think about him and how that day went. I know my daughter is hurting too, but she makes NO sense in her reasoning. I have no idea what is going on with her. I know I need to get over this, but I am heartbroken for this man. Thanks everyone for listening.

 

[connie1966]

Trust me I know exactly how you feel I cry every single day , it's been 4 months it's over , I miss him so much he was amazing and I know my daughter will one day regret it but they have to learn the hard way I guess , we messaged eachother once after the breakup and he has cut all contact since then , the thought if him feeling rejected and abandoned an unloved kills me I hope your daughter realizes how rare good men are that love you these days

 

[lisa56]

Connie..yes, exactly. I feel men like these don't come along down the path everyday. The BF asked if he could call me or text me, I said absolutely, I am heartbroken thinking about him. He asked me to pray for him and as he is praying for her (my daughter), he says he just wants her to be happy. It has only been one week, but I find myself having upsetting thoughts about my daughter, as I think that she trifled with his heart, and that is something never ever to be taken lightly. I have a son and another daughter also. My other daughter was esentially dumped by boyfriend of 10 years, she was 28 (known him since she was 18), after he became a law enforcement officer and found the power of that badge and what it brought to his life was more exciting and enticing, she has since found someone, but I am being reserved as I cannot GO THROUGH this again, my heart just cannot. My son is in the military, and I feel for him, because things are always changing, he moves a lot, and I worry, will he ever find someone. I spoke with my daughter once yesterday since this happened, she tells me she is sad, she missed him, but she is angry because I am making her feel badly about what she did. This young man was in our life for 2 years, she brought him here, and wanted us to love him like she said she did, and we did, and now this happend...I am sad, so hurt for him and for her, as her father and I just cannot talk sense to her, sometimes I feel like this is all a bad dream. I hope someday it gets easier.

 

[connie1966]

I feel the same way toward my daughter I resent her , at this point I'm pretending to be ok with her as much as I could but deep down every time I see her going out and forgetting him it kills me I get so angry a mother knows ! Especially these days the men are not serious he was serious loving loyal everything a woman would like from a man , we don't speak about him at all, you shouldn't mention him to her unless she does first she will get annoyed and will close herself off , it will take time to get over it , I'm having such a hard time nobody gets me , they keep telling me to get over it like it's do easy to just forget someone you loved like a son for almost 3 years , and I will never get attached again I don't even want yo meet her next boyfriend , I'm sure your don will meet someone one day don't worry

 

[punk-a-doodle]

Lisa56

Quote:
I would ask your daughter why a long-term relationship came to an end during her visit at your home, and then would listen to her response. It sounds like communication between family members is currently not very open or free from judgment.

Quote:
He may have been what you prayed for, but it sounds like he was not what your daughter prayed for.


Quote:
This is not uncommon or a negative thing. It is not selfish or wrong of your daughter to be open and honest about her views on the relationship. Dating allows the two people involved in the relationship (your relationship with this man is an entirely different relationship than the one your daughter and he share) to feel things out and see if the relationship will work for both partners. It is not at all uncommon to find that one or both people find that for whatever reason or reasons, they do not wish to take the relationship further. It is a very good thing to find this out before taking steps such as marriage.

Quote: It is fine to continue to maintain your friendship with this man, so long as you realize that your relationship with him is separate from your daughter's relationship with him.

Quote: Is your daughter telling you that she will be upset if you continue to have contact with this man? If so, then while being sympathetic to the fact that she is probably going through a painful time as well and probably does not want to hear all about how you still talk to him, she would need to realize that demanding that you not speak with him would be unfair to you. If describing her decision to end the relationship as "throwing people out", the conversation is unlikely to go in a positive direction as it is very demeaning and invalidating of her experiences, thoughts, and feelings in this matter.

It sounds like there is a lot of tension and a lot of areas that can be turned to a more positive direction in the family dynamics. A *good* clinical psychologist well versed in the areas of family and relationships would be one place to talk through some of the feelings you are having. Regardless of whether your daughter treats people poorly or not, a professional can help you find fair and productive ways of responding to the situation that are respectful of her boundaries as an adult.

 

[punk-a-doodle]

Connie

Quote: She may regret her decision. She may not. Regardless, yes, it is her decision to make and learn from.


Quote: Whether you choose to or not is something you can express to your daughter. I think a better solution would be to realize that dating is a way for two people to feel each other out and to see if they both wish to keep pursuing the relationship, and that it may very well not end in marriage and/or a happily ever after. Viewing a child's boyfriend/girlfriend as a son/daughter is fine if that is the relationship you want to have with them independent of your child. Viewing them as a son-in-law/daughter-in-law is putting undue pressure and expectations on everyone.

Quote: It can be really isolating when we don't receive validation and understanding when we express our feelings. A quality clinical psychologist or other professional is a great avenue to express these feelings to. Not only will the listen, but many can help you address some of the thoughts and feelings you are experiencing and channel them into more positive and constructive directions.

Quote: That applies to the thoughts and feelings you express here. Feeling loss, hurt, pain, and worry after an important person in your life is no longer there is very understandable. Feeling resentment towards your daughter however shows that there are some pronounced issues going on with identity, boundaries, and respect for the decisions of others. You can not make your daughter love this man or see him as you did, but you can address your own thoughts, feelings, and emotions. A good professional can help you do this I a way that will greatly benefit you and those around you.

 

[bdcraw]

Punk a doodle,
Your advice to Lisa56 and Connie is wonderful. Thank you so much for helping. I got a lot out of your words as well.

Lisa and Connie, I can tell you that as bad as you feel right now, it will get better. I was in the same boat after our daughter's break up with a wonderful young man this past summer. They were together 4 yrs. She's 25, he's 30. We thought he was going to be our son in law (and more important, the father of future grand children). I realize now, of course, that I invested way too much into the relationship before I should have. No one's fault but my own and I've learned a few things about that. I do want to meet and know anyone in my daughter's future but I'll will be careful not to anticipate too much before she tells me he's the one.
But I do want you know that the hurt from your daughter's break up will ease in time. I still have sad days, but I'm much better now. I don't feel the heaviness of the loss. You are certainly not alone in what you're going through. It's an unusual kind of loss and one that not everyone can understand. Let me say one more time, it will get better. It helps that my daughter is so happy and she assures me the former boyfriend is doing well too. I know they will both be fine. So onward we go. We will always care about this young man, but I've been able to accept that he will not be in our family. I hope the days become easier for you both. I'm so thankful to have this forum and have been able to express my feelings to those who have been there.