Daughter broke up with boyfriend and I'm the one depressed!

[blbnker]

Even though my son is back with his girlfriend, I still find myself anxious at times. I stopped therapy but am still on the antidepressant. I will say that during the breakup, I did text her maybe once a week or so with this message "Thinking of you. XXOO". Most of my family would have not understood so I just didn't tell them. It made me feel better to keep some communication with her in case she needed me (even though she was the one who initiated the breakup). Her family lives far away and she had no one close. I didn't even tell my therapist about that. She usually just responded back "Thanks!". I am sure eventually I would have stopped but I had read another post on another site from a wife who had never heard from her mother in law or father in law after the breakup and would have appreciated a short message. Mummahuds- I really get how weird it is to be so upset. My mind could reasonably rationalize why this wasn't normal but my emotions and heart couldn't. I couldn't eat (which is not necessarily a bad thing for me!) and had horrible GI issues. I did notice that as the day went on i would start to feel a little better but mornings were the worst. The psychiatrist told me that is very normal in depression. It has to do with the cortisol levels in your body. I am in the science field so explanations like that help me.
I think about you all frequently and wish you the best.

 

[mummahuds]

Blbnker I do exactly the same - text him every about once a week, just to keep in touch. He ended it too and yet although I know I should be angry I find myself making excuses for him and worrying about him. I send him snippets of news, eg when Ellie got an offer of university, and wished him luck today as he started a new job. He always says " thank you, means a lot" or something similar.
I so hope they will find each other again in the future.
I'm not sure if contacting him is helpful though really... Sometimes I feel as if I'm starting to move on a bit and then I'll have a tiny bit of contact and I'll be right back where I was again. It makes me day when he texts back but then I'll be crying because I miss him so much. Got to get out more!!
Thankyou everyone for your stories, it is so helpful to know I'm not the only one feeling this way x

 

[connie1966]

Its so hard to let go , im trying but no matter what he is never far behind in my thoughts, i woke up crying this week i dream of him often i regret never having taken a photo with him

 

[cherylluz]

Dear Mummahuds,

Yes, my daughter with AS and her boyfriend (also with AS) get along most of the time, but they do have "heated" discussions about things from time to time. One thing in particular is that my AS daughter has terrible executive functioning skills (ie., she's always running late for work, school, appointments, etc., no matter how much free time she has to be prepared). On the other hand, her AS boyfriend is very punctual. They live in different towns, but he drives, so he'll come and pick her up to go somewhere; inevitably, my daughter is never ready on time. I'd say it takes her about 1/2 hr. to finally walk out the door with him, even though she was given a pre-set time to be ready to leave! It's a tough one though - I can't tell you whether two spectrum people having a relationship is any better than a person on the spectrum having a relationship with a neurotypical person (as in the movie "Adam"). If you haven't seen Adam, I highly recommend watching it - it shows how difficult it is for an AS person to have a relationship with a neurotypical person. Great movie! Good luck to you and your daughter - I know exactly how you feel.

I too get set off by all the little things I miss - hearing their giggling and laughter in the next room (over some silly joke between them), listening to a song I remember from their happier days together, holidays without him (with his big smile and his arm slung loosely around her waist)...I could go on and on. Anyway, as you can tell, I still miss seeing him around our house. I just force myself to go forward, day by day, despite the pain and sadness I feel. I think I mentioned this before, but getting back on prozac after not taking anything for several years has definitely helped with the tearful outbursts I was having quite frequently! Keep me in the loop and stay strong my dear - we shall overcome!!!

cherylluz

 

[cherylluz]

Hi Connie1966,

Yes, it's very difficult, I know. It might be better that you don't have a picture though. I have a lot of pics of my daughter and her ex from their time together, and every time I see one, I feel so sad and get a sinking feeling. I've tried to put all pics of them out of my sight, but now and then I'll come across a picture of them looking so happy together, and all the terrible, sad, heart-broken feelings come rushing back. It really sucks!!! I will not get rid of those photos though - I have them tucked away in a nice box and someday I will give them back to my daughter. I have a feeling that in the future, she'll be happy that I saved those memories for her (I hope - lol!!!). Talk soon - keep me updated! Remember that you are not alone!

cherylluz

 

[mummahuds]

Thanks Cherrylluz,
I'll look on Amazon for the film, I haven't come across it before. St John's Wort seems to be working a little for me - I'm a bit frightened of Prozac, but spent so much time last night going over events in my head, trying to work out when and why things went wrong between them and what if anything I could, should or shouldn't have done to alter the outcome - I am thinking of maybe going to the doctors, to get a referral for counselling if nothing else. Not just for this, I think maybe there is something underlying it as I can't understand why I am reacting like this
I have a few photos of The two of them on my phone, but they only make me cry so I think I'm going to put them in a folder on their own and not look at them.(yeah right!!) I will always keep them though (and have printed some off too - like you, I think my daughter will want them one day)
I think my main problem is the inability to let go - I keep hoping for contact from him in the hope that he will come back to her.( That would be tricky right now as the rest of the family are less than impressed with him.) What's that saying "If you love something, let it go...if it returns love it for ever, and if it doesn't it was never meant to be yours in then first place" Easily said!!
Anyway, great news, she passed her driving test today - 7th go . Persistant if nothing else.
Connie, keep strong, and photos only make you cry!
Take care everyone - it will all be ok - our wonderful children will find their happiness!

 

[catsndogs]

Hi Everyone!

I haven't checked in for awhile, since I felt calm and thought I was happily getting over those anxious feelings that we've all talked about. Then---seemingly out of nowhere---I regressed and started wondering about the ex and if he is okay. I was genuinely worried---and afraid that something might be wrong with him or his family member who has been ill for awhile. My daughter has moved on and doesn't want to talk about the ex, so I really don't say much to her. So, I finally skittered over the edge and beat out all of you with the crazy stuff----I created a fake Facebook account so that I could check on what he at least posts publicly---which has been absolutely nothing. I WAS able to see some photos of him though, and it has not helped me. (I am so ashamed of myself...) I haven't told my therapist about any of these feelings or my craziness.

My recent action has not helped me---in fact---I feel like I'm back at square one with my "healing." I think I need to do what people currently call "going no contact," which is exactly what it sounds like. NO contact of any kind---no calls, no texts, no FB stalking. I think it will help me to move on. I should have never given in to those worries of mine, I should have journaled about them, and then dismissed them. I think I was fooling myself by thinking that the FB stalking wouldn't hurt. It's kinda like saying that it won't hurt if you bake that pan of brownies and only allow yourself to have one---we tell ourselves these lies to justify what we KNOW is a BAD idea....

Anyway, for whatever reason, we've allowed our daughter's lives to overlap our own in some unhealthy ways. Many of us have mentioned that we need to stay busy and focus on ourselves. I don't know where you ladies live---but I am living by the Great Lakes in a town that's very cold with too much snow. It's easy to feel isolated. It's hard to make plans with friends, because you never know if traveling will be possible. I started some volunteer work a few weeks ago, which has been good, but I can't always make it because of the road conditions. I guess I need to find something worthwhile to occupy myself, to get through these next few months---until Spring finally happens. Any ideas? What do you do to stay busy?

Just an aside---does anyone know where I can access some pictures of chickens that I can draw from? There is a farmer's market close by, and when I visited in the fall, I noticed that they had some absolutely gorgeous chickens wandering around, but when I approached to photograph them, they scattered. I was really taken by the beautiful patterns of their feathers. I am an artist and would love to do some drawings----so if anyone is willing to share photos---it would have to be with the understanding that I would be using them for my own artwork. Any ideas for a source? Thanks to anyone who can help....

And as usual, thanks for listening, ladies. I get so much help and inspiration from all of you.....

C&D

 

[cherylluz]

Dear Mummahuds,

Here's a link to the YouTube trailer for the movie "Adam." I think you'd really enjoy seeing it - it's wonderfully acted and anyone who has a child with Asperger's Syndrome can relate .

Congrats on your daughter for getting her driver's license (7th time's a charm - lol!)! I'm not sure if my AS daughter will ever be able to drive - she comes really undone over the smallest things sometimes and has a high level of anxiety (probably passed down from me!). With her severe executive functioning issues, I'm not sure she'd be able to make the split-second decisions that driving requires. She hasn't really pushed the issue with me yet, so I'm not going to push it either. Did you know that your daughter would be ok to drive, or did you have any pre-testing done prior to her driving lessons (and did you go to a driving school that is in tune with special needs folks)? My younger daughter just got her driver's license yesterday - they grow up so fast don't they!

On a different note, I know it's really difficult to look at pictures that include the ex. Initially, I was constantly going through my pics of them, but of course that made me more upset and escalated my feelings of sadness. I found that I had to do the "out of sight, out of mind" trick to get through the days (easier said than done, I know). I use this trick with sweets/chocolate too - lol! For a while I was still sneaking a peek at the pics; but I found that they still have a powerful effect - making me feel a sad emptiness in my heart, so now I try my best to resist looking at them. I do suggest uploading them off your phone/camera, and either printing them out or burning them to a disk (or both), and then keeping them in a nice box (hidden in a place where your daughter won't find them). Also, try to put the box in a place that is difficult for you to get at or you'll find yourself constantly tempted to look at them (we're only human). Choose a place that's hard for you to get at and most importantly, out of your view. I put my "Pandora's Box" way up on a shelf, in the back. Now I'd have to drag a step stool upstairs to get at them, which makes it a less likely for me to get at them. I know it's a cliche, but just take things one day at a time (I still have "good days" and "bad days"). I do believe that someday, when it's the time is right, our daughters will cherish those memories as part of their life's experience. And someday, all of us moms will be able to look at those pictures with warm memories instead of emptiness and sadness. The passing of time doesn't take away all of the pain and sadness, but it certainly helps to "soften the blow," so that we can cope and move forward with our lives. We don't give ourselves enough credit as women - we are much more emotionally stronger than we believe we are.

Love to all you ladies out there!

Cherylluz

 

[connie1966]

Thank you cheryl! I have a picture of him in my wallet lol 2 1/2 years later! You know what i saw my daughter kept all his things in a box in her closet thats weird since she seens so in love with the new guy. Why hold on to the old memories..and still sleeps with her build a bear he got her

 

[Coffeeluvr]

Hi all
First off I want to say a huge thank you to everyone that has written their story here. I discovered this blog last summer and it kept me going through many rough days and nights. It seems that we all feel better reading each other's stories, so I will share mine. It's long, but I'll summarize.
My daughter and her ex boyfriend became very good friends when they were in middle school. He became her best friend when she got tired of her clique of girlfriends. They were briefly together in 8th grade, but then started their real relationship in 9th grade.
I kept my distance, as that's my nature not to trust many people in my personal life and I never wanted to be a "helicopter" mom. He has a great family, but they spent most of their free time at our house. He wound up being a part of our family (vacations, holidays, birthdays, etc.) and she a part of his. They are both high achievers and were extremely busy and involved with high school. Their relationship was very much like a college or young adult type, and it was not only adorable but inspiring. When they weren't together, they were constantly texting, so I knew what he was doing every day (for nearly 5 years).
As we all know, the daughter's boyfriend becomes your child too. It's the grocery shopping (he's an athlete and eats a lot), having his clothes in the laundry, realizing that her room is now " their" room, the family group texts, the dog knowing the sound of his car, planning for college, etc. Thoughts of this guy swirl in your head along with the rest of the family ( I have 2 daughters - no sons) - year after year. He was at our home almost every Sunday and usually a couple of evenings during the week. They generally hung out with us and watched movies.

So, they always knew they would separate for college. He started stressing about it when they were only 16. By senior year the growing apart was starting to occur. He got annoyed when she chose a school event over him and she wasn't super fond of the group of guys he was hanging out with. But, they had a fairly adult discussion about it over the holidays, with him saying that she needs to tell him how she feels about stuff even if it hurts.

As time ticked on last winter, she continued to distance herself which caused him to get frustrated, distrustful and jump to anger more quickly. They seemed to be doing much better and back to normal. Then " the talk" occurred, which was instigated by him. Basically, they both decided they needed to start separating and see new people. But, the "deal" was that they would be together still and on college breaks, and not flaunt any new "hookups". He wants her to keep an "open mind" about the future and specifically after college.
The next morning he texts her before school to say that it doesnt feel right and he's changed his mind. She has not. He overreacts and is really upset and angry.
Over the next few weeks they talk some, in person and by text. She tries to be logical, and she cries some. He alternates between angry, hurt, bargaining, etc. She's already started seeing a new guy, but lies and says she isn't. He has jumped back into a " friends with benefits" thing with his ex from 8th grade that he lost his virginity to ( and hasn't talked to in 3 years/ has no respect for) . He keeps this as secret as possible -this girl and my daughter can't stand each other.
He says he'll always love my daughter, but he cant be a part of her life as just friends.
He texted me once at the beginning of their breakup. He was confused and hurt. He understood that she needed more experiences as he had been the only guy she had slept with. He ( in his 18 year old brain) felt that since she wasn't his only one, he knew the difference and didn't need to experience anymore. He was fine with her going out and getting more life experience, but he didn't want to know about it. He sees a future with her and is baffled as to why she doesn't . We get a little closure with him saying he'll miss us because he really does love us like family. I tell him he still is part of my family and he's always welcome.

After about two weeks he finds out about my daughter's rebound guy and is able to recover after a few weeks of fuming. I see him around and he looks really angry and sad. After a few months she gets dumped abruptly by new guy. I refused to meet him or let him in our house. She was angry at the time, but then realizes he was just an infatuation and she understands my anger about it all.
We are finally into summer. She and her ex boyfriend wind up texting intermittently up until he leaves for school in July. It alternates between him frustrated and angry, and then apologizing for his anger and saying he will always be there for her. One event was that while she was whacked out on pain medication from a suery, she insisted on calling her ex and asking him to come over. He knew she was medicated ( we had previously joked at how funny she would be like that) and kept asking her why she wanted him. He hung up when she wouldn't say why, just kept repeating for him to come over ( he was out of town). When I suggested that I thought he was fishing for " I love you", she replies, "Well, duh. Of course I love him". She texts him a few days later to tell him she will always love him and she wants to stay in contact throughout college. He says that what he felt the night they broke up is still how he feels. ( this is now 3 months post break up) He wants her to keep an " open mind" for the future. She tells him that she doesn't want a relationship right now. He wants to see her again and she says she can't come over. He gets ****** and says that he can't wait to not be in the same town as her and for her to stop contacting him. He will call if he needs something

She's bummed, but doesn't think he means it. The night he leaves town he calls me with a question related to my job (I do work full time) and he calls her best friend. He tells her best friend that he's sad, but he wants my daughter to be happy, and she wasn't with him. She gets agitated and wants to know what all he said when he called me.
About 3 weeks later, my daughter starts a Facebook account and friend requests her ex. He immediately texts her, asking why and reminding her not to contact him. He then calls her, but she lets it go to voicemail. He leaves the message that he's upset because she hasn't shown him any respect throughout all this. He declines her friend request but allows her to follow him. A few days later he texts her asking why she's going through the effort of following him but won't talk. She replies that she wants to see how his life unfolds. During this whole time they have been watching each other's snapchat stories which get posted every few days. After he sees one she posts while she's at college, he send one final text (late August) telling her to have fun at college, but to stay safe. He had always worried about her getting drugged or raped.
So, where we stand now : my daughter is doing well in school (she's at one of the most competitive and largest universities), partying a lot and living the " hookup" life. She uses the term loosely - she's not having sex, and says the guys are douchebags. Just fooling around with no expectations and no emotions. She let me know that her ex is now is in a relationship with a girl at his school ( knowledge courtesy of Facebook). His college is rural and 1/2 the size of their high school. She says the girl seems a good fit for him, but she thinks she's a better catch. However, she said "he still watches every single one of my snapchat stories. Hehehe". She thinks it's " interesting" that he's in a relationship and not exploring freedom. That said, this is the longest he's gone without a girlfriend since he was 12. Apparently he was " with" this new girl from the start of the school year. Didn't make it official until 4weeks ago. Oh - and he messed around somewhat with the " friends with benefits" ex at Christmas break.
Neither one of them is behaving like the people I knew when they were together.
We talked with his parents post breakup. They also felt like they had lost a daughter, felt that their son was a better person when they were together, and they hoped they would reconcile in the future. His mom sought my daughter out to make sure she knew they still loved her.
So, I have been through the first 4 months of anxiety ( no sleep, weight loss, irregular heart beats), unbelievable anger at my daughter and reconciliation. My husband threatened divorce, but we are back on track ( he loves the ex, too). I'm still grieving and depressed. I started therapy a few months ago, but my therapist doesn't really get it. She can't. My younger ( 17 yr) daughter has been great. She misses her "big brother", and she truly empathizes with my sad days. I still cry a lot. Sometimes I can go about a week, but then I'll cry multiple times every day for a few weeks.
It is an awful nightmare that I get through one day at a time. My best analogy is that (for me) it is as if I have a son that is MIA in a war. I will always hope he will come back home, but statistics and logic say he won't.
It's so true, no one can understand it unless they have lived it. People tend to want to think it's kind of weird. But, I think that the 'boundary' gets crossed once you think of them as your child. Especially if you watch them grow up from 13-19 years old. My first reaction was that I felt like I had two of my kids fighting and one moved out because of it.
Anyway, thanks for reading. I have hundreds of pages in my journal, but this is more cathartic.
In my situation, I think that I will always be waiting for that 4 year mark to see what happens. I try not to hope, but I can't help it. It's been nearly a year and it still just feels wrong.
Any and all feedback / empathy is appreciated