Daughter broke up with boyfriend and I'm the one depressed!

[helena2000]

Hi everyone,
I am new to the forum. I haven't read through all of your comments yet. But I am already feeling better -- less crazy -- just reading some of your posts.
My situation isn't as bad as some of yours (Connie, coffeeluvr, et.al), but I have a feeling that I may be headed that way if I am not careful. So it's been really helpful to me to read about your experiences.
My daughter and the boy who has a huge crush on her are just 15. But they are both mature beyond their years. I am really upset that she is not giving him the time of the day, especially since she is the one who started the ball rolling. He is probably the biggest heartthrob in their big high school right now. He is from a well-to-do family, very good looking, a state level athlete, tracked into all the top AP classes, and gets hit on by girls ALL the time!! In fact, the reason they met is because my daughter and her group of girl friends decided that they would have a competition to see which of them, if any, could catch the attention of this boy. They, including my daughter, flirted outrageously with him.
My daughter won, hands down. He had a dozen roses delivered to her on Valentine's day, follows her around like a lost puppy, texts her "good morning" and "good night" everyday, etc. It is no exaggeration to say that he treats her like she is the only girl in the world. My daughter on the other hand, is really taking her time -- she won't commit to him (date him exclusively) but she won't let him go either! This has been going on for 3 months! Teenagers have entire relationships, beginning to end, in 3 months!
I don't understand her hesitation. Sometimes I think she is playing him. It doesn't help that because of his obvious attention, boys have been coming out of all corners to express their admiration for her. In the meantime, girls continue to throw themselves at him. But he doesn't care. He is in love and can only see one girl (my teenage ice queen).
And I just feel SO bad for him! I absolutely adore this boy! He has this enchanting earnestness that is so rare in boys with his qualities. He just made several top 10 State cuts this past weekend, and he doesn't even talk about it. All he wants is to get on her calendar! It makes me so mad when she asks me to drive her to meet up with her different friends while she gives him nothing. I don't understand why I feel SO disappointed that she hasn't decided to date him. I literally feel that I am the one being rejected by my daughter. And I also feel that she is the biggest fool in the world to not see what a "catch" he is. And they look absolutely adorable together! Don't misunderstand, I know they are teens and am expecting a 6-month, one year at most, relationship.
I feel crazy. I can't talk about it to anyone, not even my husband. And I worry about this boy. I worry that my daughter might do him permanent emotional damage... Am I overthinking this? Do teens just hurt each other all the time and then get over it like nothing happened? Should I talk to his mom? I sort of know her a little, but not really. I don't want her to think that I am this crazy mom who wants to live vicariously through her teenage daughter (but am I? I think maybe I am...)
I would appreciate your opinion.

 

[Coffeeluvr]

Hi Helena2000,

No, you're not crazy... I read your story a few times and I'll give you what I would consider the "logical" perspective.

This guy is clearly competitive. If he was able to be with your daughter easily, he may lose interest. And your daughter may be smart and intuitive enough to know this. Plus, getting to know each other slowly is actually a much better way to go about it. I assume she's not getting physical with other guys, because that will quickly decrease her value among all the guys.

I learned a lot about how "alpha male" /competitive guys think from my daughter's ex. It was quite enlightening, actually.

It sounds like your daughter is retaining her sense of self, which is great. You see a fantastic opportunity that she may be missing. Logically, she's probably playing the situation wisely.

And I would advise against talking to his mom very much. I think it's fine to have polite chitchat and acknowledge that your kids are getting to know each other. But, from the moms I know that have teenage boys - their sons share almost nothing with them. So you will seem to be obsessed because you have much more knowledge of the connection.

Now, the emotional answer- I think we moms are hard wired to find great partners for our daughters. And when we spot that in the guy that our daughters have chosen, we can tenaciously cling to it. The problem is that if our daughters (and husbands) find out how we feel, they can't possibly understand the incredible instinctual drive behind it.

She's not rejecting you - just maybe what she may see as your encouragement.

Sometimes I wonder if we moms are similar to the dads that see their son's talent in football, but can't stop themselves from pushing their sons too hard?

I have arrived at a place where I can say that I am at peace that this is all instinct working in my mind.

My daughter and her ex were also mature beyond their years. Until their breakup anyways.

My daughter is in Mexico on spring break this week. I can't stop speculating on what her ex will think about what he sees on her snapchat story. His protective instinct was very strong. During one of their most emotional post break up meetings, he said he couldn't be a part of her life if she didn't love him anymore. But that if something serious happened -he would be there in 24 hours (they are at school in different states now).

I hold on to some very key things that he stated, especially those he repeated months after their breakup. Faith and love => hope and waiting...

Please keep posting. It really does help tons to know you're not the only one.

I'm curious to hear how your story plays out.

Coffeeluvr

 

[Coffeeluvr]

Hi again

The other thing I wanted to ask was whether this was your first teenager in this situation?

The reason I ask is because texting ability has changed all the old rules and standards for teenage relationships. You see how they are attached via their phones 24/7. That came as quite a shock to me at first, and then I got used to it (or became addicted to the rush of young love).

I watched my daughter's best friend text multiple guys at the same time- teasing them all. Then she'd send out a vague, flirtatious tweet that any of the guys thought was meant for them. You probably know all this, but my friends and I are always amazed at how much time is devoted to their relationships by the guys and how deep the attachment can become.

I think that contributes to the intensity of it all.

My daughter thought relationships in college would be like what she had with her ex. They don't seem to text as much in college, so she's experiencing the difference.

Or maybe I'm all wrong and she and her ex were unusual with the hundreds of texts everyday. He, too would text her first thing every morning and last thing at night. For 3 years. And they occasionally would appear at the other person's house to make breakfast before the other one awoke.

He had his own drawer in her room for his clothes. There's still a pair of underwear in there she never tossed and he left behind. He was so happy the day he got that drawer- he got a kick out of making my husband cringe

I miss those times more than most can even imagine. They were an amazing pair. The teachers at their high school called them a married couple. His mom was a teacher at their school and they ate lunch with her most every day. Their breakup was tough on her, too. But, she said her son didn't give her any details and she didn't want to know what happened. But I believe she knew that her son was thinking marriage and kids with my daughter down the road.

When he texted me after the breakup ( again - this would never have happened without modern technology), he said he wasn't a bad guy. And I replied that I thought he was on his way to being a great future husband and father. That my daughter used to say that about him. His reply broke my heart - "she 'used to' think that"

I guess I'm reliving the past that I loved, while giving examples showing how much things have changed with teenage relationships.

I apologize for my rambling - I just miss them both very, very much.

Coffeeluvr

 

[helena2000]

Thank you Coffeeluvr for your kind words.
A couple of things you said really resonated. You are right -- his mom didn't know much of anything! I did text her a few days ago to find out how her son is doing. She told me that she had just found out, from another mom, about the roses her son had delivered to my daughter on V day! Anyway, I feel much better after talking to her because now SHE is responsible for his emotional well-being. I have my hands full with my own daughter.
Another thing you are right about is the prominence of social media. To the point where it actually somewhat replaces in-person contact. Or that could just be my daughter's way to slow things down (haha..) They text and snapchat ALL day long!

So she still refuses to call him her "boyfriend", but will acknowledge that he is her "main boy". The whole school thinks they are dating though. Last week he demanded that she cut off 2 boys she is friendly with. She refused and called him out on his friendship with a junior girl, who clearly has a huge crush on him. He got mad at my daughter and stopped speaking to her for a couple days. During that time he cut off this junior girl completely (my daughter saw this girl cry in the locker room of their club sports team). So the "boyfriend's" squad includes this junior girl, two senior boys and one of the two boys he wants my daughter to cut off (a junior). And while my daughter refused, the "boyfriend" proceeded to cut this junior boy out of his squad too!! He hung out with the two senior boys this past weekend and did not invite either the junior boy nor the junior girl. Did I mention that the "boyfriend" is a freshman?! Since when do freshman boys have that kind of social power!!! I am completely shocked. Btw, my daughter is also 15, like him, but she is a sophomore.
I am also shocked by the ruthlessness he displayed. Did I mention that I thought he was SO adorable like Bambi?? Guess not so much... what you said about "alpha males" comes to mind... Anyway, they made up yesterday and he posted the cutest picture of the two of them on Insta. She told him that there is nothing to "cut" since she doesn't text nor snapchat either of those boys. But she lied. She has a 30+day snapchat streak going with the junior boy the "boyfriend" just cut out of his squad. I wonder what he'll do when he finds out.. this is like a soap!!

Now that I have spoken to his mom and seen how ruthless he is, I am no longer worried about him. In fact, I am greatly enjoying the show. My teenage ice queen is every bit this boy's equal in terms of looks, intelligence, and social power. He is more ruthless but she is more manipulative. This will be fun to watch.
I give it 6 months to a year.. I'll be sad when they move on. Coffeeluvr, I cannot even imagine what it must be like for you to watch your daughter's ex go. 3 years! It's been 3 months, and I already feel like I am in love with this alpha-boy of my daughter's! Keep us posted on your daughter's situation (hope she had fun in Mexico!)

Oh, also wanted to tell you that she is the older of my two daughters. This is her second relationship. She dated a very, very good looking boy in 8th grade, but for some reason, I didn't care about him... something about this current one really captures me...

 

[Coffeeluvr]

Thanks so much for sharing....your story made me smile today. Those early drama filled days are definitely a fun show to watch, aren't they?!

And there is something about that young, dominant, testosterone filled guy that is fascinating. I think especially for those of us that don't have sons. They can be such a force of nature- smart, obnoxious, loving, big puppies. And once you really get to know that special one, it can be the most inspiring thing to watch THAT guy truly, genuinely, fall in love with your daughter. It's one of the biggest joys a mom can have. (I really do have a career and stuff).

I'm not sure texting and snapchat slows it down, though. It enables them to have some very intimate conversations that they might not have face to face. Heaven help you if you ever get access to the texts. That can create one dangerous addiction. I started checking her phone in 8 th grade after another parent told me my daughter was sending selfies of her in her underwear to her son. This was how my daughter dealt with the first go around with her now ex. He had dumped her because his previous girlfriend promised him she would go further than my daughter. And she did - the whole 8th grade loss of virginity thing.

Sometimes it strikes me as bizarre how much more I know about his love life than his mom does.

It's funny now, because they would laugh about their 8th grade romance being young and silly. And he would freely say that he was thinking with his hormones and not with his brain. Sometimes I can even envision a future where they will laugh about their painful 18 year old college break up. But, he was a mess for several months....so maybe not.

I digress...

I kept up the text lurking because I didn't trust my daughter to tell me when she needed to start birth control. He had lost his virginity in 8th grade, and I knew she had decided he would be the one. So, that was inevitable and occurred with no big issues (end of freshman year). My daughter over shared with me, which was touching, but weird.

He would teach her stuff like, how to avoid getting a bladder infection after sex. And he was very romantic with gifts and his time. She always felt loved by him, and it was important to him that they have healthy conversations about sex and disagreements in general. How do I not fall in love with that?? Especially when she would keep telling me stuff that's usually awkward , but he'd handled it with such maturity??

So, I consciously tried to keep my distance. 8th grade/ early freshman year, he had some drama wth his past on/ off girlfriend, and I didn't want my daughter roped into a relationship with a drama king. His ex had fooled around with a few of his best friends in between their relationships, and she'd cheated on him with a guy she met at an amusement park. This was the beginning of their freshman year.

So, he was quite nasty to his ex at school, and she told her father. When her dad called his parents' house - he told the girl's dad all she had done and called her a wh****. This was about 5 months before he and my daughter got together for their "real" relationship.

And he told this story to my husband and me.

This guy calls it as he sees it. And, it's very sad, but this girl does truly have attention issues. She is the queen of duck face selfies- in her underwear on social media. Still, at age 19.

This is the same ex that he did the quiet "friends with benefits" thing after my daughter and him broke up last spring. Why this girl would go back to that is truly sad. And it's not a great statement about him that he did it. Btw, his mom and family cannot stand this girl.

So, he has plenty of faults and can be quite a jerk/ he man. But, he always loved and respected my daughter. One of the last love letters he wrote to her ( yep- he's actually a Nicholas Sparks fan) he called her his shining star for the past 3 years. And his parents really meant it when they said he was a better person when he was with my daughter. He knows it, too.

I keep returning to the knowledge I have that they are still watching each other's snapchat stories. It's a visual and auditory connection that I can't stop speculating on. They both know they're doing it, too. Although he was explicit that she was to not contact him unless something serious happened to her. HE would call HER when he wanted to. For some reason, this is the media on which he's chosen to keep track of her.

I would love to get your opinion on that one, please.

I can imagine what he would say if I asked him what he thought about a guy watching his ex's snapchat story (every single one) while he's got a new girlfriend at college. I envision his response to be, "well, sounds like the dude is having fun, but still hung up on the ex. It's not right, but what's he supposed to do? Hopefully, the new girl isn't too attached"

So, when I read his current tweets that criticize the new girlfriend's language, her haircut, and her friends call him a d#####, I would like to believe that he's keeping an emotional wall up, of sorts.

But those are my thoughts on my good days.

I babbled again......

But please keep us posted on your "show". You really are at the fun part. Now the trick is to not know too much, and to not get attached to the guy. They can be such fun, adorable jerks, though.

Coffeeluvr

 

[momwith5kids]

Hi, my search has brought me here so I joined and well here I am. My oldest daughter just recently ended her relationship with her partner, I am heart broken. I can not stop crying, Yes i know she is my daughter and its her life, but I could only say to her, 'sorry , you have made a huge mistake, He is not an abuser, not an alcoholic, not a drug addict, he's more than successful. I love him like he was my own son. I think she is off her rocker, I am 55 and know no one is perfect, but my gosh if they love you too much , oh my gosh, its too much, That is BS. So upset I can only cry, I feel like I am going through the death of my own oldest son all over again, which was just two years ago. I am not on any sides, I just think its the very wrong decision. I am ready to just snap, well acutally I have, I am on a two week break from work and I dont' even know if I can go back!!!!! anyway, that is where I am at present moment within myself, I can not help it. So I have read this and other replies and see i am not alone, also I am not one to join anything to chat like this actually its the first time I have i believe other than joining a fb group for parents who have lost their children. and even then i dont' say alot I just read it and try to get comfort. Okay thanks for listening to me, who ever is lol

 

[momwith5kids]

I responded but am not sure where my post is, maybe its still in limbo, I feel like I am the one that got dumped basically, I love him so much and was so happy for them, I think my daughter is off her rocker for breaking up with the guy I believe is the one for her, anyway, so heart broken

 

[mommatotwo]

I am so happy (not for the breakups) to have found this conversation and to see it's still active. I thought that I was completely bonkers to have these feelings I've read described in this thread. My daughter broke up with her bf a month ago and I am still heartbroken over it. He is devastated and it feel just awful. I wish I could fix it, but I know I have to leave it alone. What a horrible feeling.

 

[Coffeeluvr]

Hi and I'm so sorry for your sadness, etc. Did you want to elaborate on your story?

I, too, have never joined an online group in my life, but it does help (albeit temporarily for me) to type it out and know there are other moms that truly do understand.

Having a "socially unrecognized" form of grief sucks....

Coffeeluvr

 

[Coffeeluvr]

Hi Mommatotwo,

Did you also want to share your story? It does help somewhat.

I spent the first 5 or 6 months trying to "fix" my daughter's relationship. At first I was directly in the middle, and it was her ex-boyfriend who anticipated that was starting to occur. So I realized that I was entering dangerous territory. And then I have since hidden my feelings as best I can. Which is not to imply that I'm successful at all.

I parcel out some information to my friends, some to my mom, different stuff to my other daughter, and very little to my husband or daughter that broke up with her ex.

This is the only place where I feel that I can be completely honest and not judged. And that allows me to actually feel more rational. ( for a few days)

It took me 11months to share. I don't know if I would be in a better place now if I had started posting earlier. Maybe, but maybe not.

I just know that it's been over a year, and I still feel that my daughter and her ex should reunite - permanently, and when they are ready to do so. I fessed up and told my husband that last night. He thinks that I'll change my mind when my daughter gets a new guy and I "replace" the ex. I just don't believe I can replace someone that I considered a part of my family. I'm not built like that.

I would like to hear about what brought you here.....

Take care,
Coffeeluvr