Daughter broke up with boyfriend and I'm the one depressed!

[Funfeathers]

DramaMama42, don't know if you have already seen this but here is a link I found that might help you! https://www.bphope.com/topics/forum...up-parenting-a-dependent-bipolar-young-adult/

 

[Hyroler]

It probably doesn't seem like it now but I think everything will work out for both you and your daughter.Its obvious how much you care about her.She is lucky to have parents who are so understanding and loving.

 

[DramaMama42]

Thanks hyroler and Funfeathers.

The main reason why I’ve been talking to the bf is to help him understand bipolar and how it is affecting her right now. DD has known that we’ve been in contact and while she has mentioned that she doesn’t want me or my husband to play mediators (which I agree with and really don’t want to), she is ok with him reaching out to us and us providing guidance on her illness.

We have always supported her right to make her own decisions, but she also understands (to a degree at least) that there will be times where we may have to step in and nudge her when she is acting irrationally (which she admits that she does when she is experiencing an episode).

Thankfully she’s showing signs of improvement and a return to a more level state of mind. She and the bf did talk last night and they agreed to take a step back without a full-on separation or break up. For now, they have made a pact to talk on the phone every night before bed and make plans for simple, relaxing dates. She really does love him—it’s just that they went from 0-100 too quickly and with everything else happening in her life, it was a little too much too soon.

After he consulted me again last night, we also had a good chat and I think he’s finally beginning to understand the challenges of maintaining a relationship like this one. He admitted that while it’s overwhelming, he loves her and doesn’t want to lose her over something like this—he’s willing to be a little more patient with her moods and work harder to give her time to come out of her episodes when they happen. I told him that he’s welcome to consult me anytime he needs advice on this, and he’s extremely grateful for that.

Hubby and I also had a good talk with her today and assured her that we were not taking his side over hers. I explained everything above and that she needed to understand that he needs guidance where it comes to bipolar just as much as any of us have since she was diagnosed. She also agreed that since he doesn’t have anyone else to turn to and has become a part of our family on her wishes, that it’s good he feels comfortable talking to me and has someone he can rely on to “translate” her mood swings and episodes.

Overall, I think we’ll all be ok as long as we all understand each other and take everyone’s role in this under consideration. She knows we all love her and want to support her, but she admits that she sometimes forgets how difficult it can be for her loved ones too.

 

[DramaMama42]

DramaMama42, don't know if you have already seen this but here is a link I found that might help you! https://www.bphope.com/topics/forum...up-parenting-a-dependent-bipolar-young-adult/

I actually have and it’s a GREAT resource!

 

[Hyroler]

I have one last suggestion.When your daughter and her boyfriend are in good place they should write a letter to eachother.Telling the other why they love them.How they are going to be more understanding and forgiving.Basically the letter should be a reminder when they are having tough time.They should exchange these letters and whenever they get in fight give letter back to eachother.The letter can be reminder of how good they make eachother feel.Hopefully it will help them get back to good place easier.

 

[TribalMog]

DramaMama42 - I do not have bipolar, but I do understand the PTSD from Sexual Assault/Abuse (been there, done that, have the court records and therapy bills to support it) and have a diagnosis of borderline personality - I just wanted to tell you you're doing a great job. I tend to do similar things - or did, where I would get myself into bad relationships/situations, and get hurt. I'd go from stable, and then would spiral down and just rush towards the dark path. It actually took being horribly abused and having to deal with court cases to grow up a bit. And then I had to deal with PTSD and a very dark period where I was just rebelling against everything I was for the sake of not feeling like the person I was. I finally calmed down and started dating actual nice people, had my heart broken a few times. And then I met my now husband, via friends (good for me friends who call me out on bad behavior and keep me in check). And it was terrifying because it was so good and healthy and perfect and part of me wanted to run because nothing that good ever lasts or stays. But he did. And then he married me which is even more terrifying. Who even does that?

ANYWAY! I can kind of relate to some of the overwhelming/fear your daughter may be feeling. And I just wanted to tell you from a young woman with some similarities - you're doing an awesome job and you're a great mom. She may not always listen or want to hear it, but from what I've read, you're on the right path. Does she have a close friend - of either gender, who might feel the same way? I know a lot of times, I had to hear it from my friends, not my mom. But she also needs to be sure she's taking responsibility for her own behavior. My best friend has a code phrase he uses when I'm being irrational, which tells me to take a second, and listen to myself, and decide if I still feel I am justified, or acting toxic.

And echoing Hyroler's idea of writing letters when things are good. for Valentines day I wrote a reason I love my husband on a valentine for every day we had been engaged (just got married) - and hid them around the house. So when I'm being a PITA or he's stressed/having a bad day, he re-reads them, or find new ones and reads them and it settles us.

 

[AFmom]

Hello! I have to second the above poster- I just googled the subject “daughter broke up” and found this forum and I also don’t have chickens, LOL. I thought I was absolutely crazy to feel so sad and devastated about my daughter’s break up with her wonderful, sweet, kind BF. I have not cried this much in ages. It has only been a few days and I am trying so hard not to interfere, which means giving my daughter tons of space so she doesn’t hear my crying!! Anyway, hello all, and if anyone wants to share more, I am also here. So glad to know that I am not alone- thought I was losing it for sure!

I also do not have chickens However I do have a broken heart watching my daughter throw away such a loving and supportive boyfriend of almost 4 years. I know she's very young (19) and has a lot to learn on her own. He has become a part of our family and stays here a lot but she's saying now she feels confused and doesn't know what she wants anymore. It's not fair to her at all that she sees me upset because obviously it's her relationship and her decision and I'm really trying to work on being more supportive of her wants and not what I think is best for her. I literally take it day by day and sometimes hour by hour. Thank you so much for this forum and not making me feels as crazy as my daughter thinks I am

 

[DramaMama42]

I’m so glad I decided to log in here tonight. I’ve felt like a horrible failure as a parent the last day and a half...

Unfortunately after a short span of “good days” where it seemed my daughter and her boyfriend were working things out, she suddenly did a 180 again and broke up with him for good yesterday. It came as a shock because that morning I was with them and they were perfectly fine, laughing and smiling and doing great. They were even getting ready to drive to NC last night for a few days...and then all the sudden she went out with a couple friends, and said she broke up with him. Though she said she loves him, there was absolutely no emotion from her over it (except anger directed at me, which I’ll get to in a second). Anyway, when she told me I just kind of rolled my eyes and said it was her decision. She claimed that he was “too verbally abusive and controlling” (I’ve never seen evidence of this at all) and also claimed that he was “forcing her to go to NC” (again, they had both been fine that morning and seemed happy to be getting away). When she told me flat out that I wasn’t to talk to him, that’s where I drew the line and said I wouldn’t ignore him if he reached out to me. Needless to say that made her angry and she stormed out of the room.

As for the anger—we had a horrible night afterward. For starters, she broke up with him via text message while he was at work (GRRRR!). When I found out, I went to her and told her that she needed to be an adult and do it in person. Her friends were still here, and one tried to interject—I shut her down immediately and said I was tired of the adolescent drama from all of them (these friends have a habit of acting like middle schoolers and never taking responsibility for anything...they’re all 20-something...and this particular friend has been vocal in her dislike of the boyfriend for various childish reasons).

After this, my daughter left for awhile with them. The boyfriend, of course, showed up frazzled and confused to pick up his things that he had left here. I texted her and told her she needed to come home and deal with the situation (he had left). She texted me back to say she had given his stuff to the one friend (the one who hates him) to deliver to him at his work. That, to me, was just heartless. Seriously, I raised her better than this...sigh.

So...when she got home, she and I fought to the point that she got up in my face and screamed horrible things. I went to slap her (not my best moment, but she had me practically cornered) and she backed away. My fingers barely made contact, and she screamed again, pushed me, and threatened to call the police on me (again, I barely touched her...my fingers grazed her but that was it). That was when I finally had it. I told her I didn’t raise her to be cruel or disrespectful, and that if that’s who she wanted to be then she could leave.

Like I said, it was a bad night...this also caused a slight rift between me and my younger daughter who really doesn’t understand what was happening or why we were fighting. She simply saw me kick out her sister and got upset at me for it.

Anyway, my husband changed our lock codes after she left (which she’d given out to her friends and the boyfriend too). Eventually my mother intervened and told her that while she’s entitled to break up with someone, the way she did so was cruel and childish (strangely enough, my dauaghter agreed with my mother even though I had said the same thing). Daughter ended up coming home after my mother mediated, but under the condition that she was not to talk to me or approach me for a few days. She also will not get the new lock codes until my husband and I have had a chance to sit down and discuss ground rules for her to stay on a temporary basis while she looks for a job, gets a drivers license, and finds a place of her own—this includes no friends coming and going at all hours of the night, no guys staying over, and she will come home at a reasonable time (not 3am) or stay somewhere else overnight. I also do not want to hear a single thing regarding her personal life unless she is in danger.

I hate feeling like this and being like this. I love my daughter, but I can’t handle the constant drama and BS anymore. She’s out of control right now—I’ve found empty alcohol containers in my shower, she quit her job, she doesn’t take her medications regularly, and lashing out at me won’t be tolerated. She claims she’s mad that I’m taking the boyfriend’s side, and in at least some ways she’s right because she’s been horrible to him. She also refuses to accept that by bringing him into our lives and making him a part of the family, there are consequences to that (her sister is devastated now because she viewed him as a big brother, and I had started to view him as a son).

I just don’t know what else to do.

 

[DramaMama42]

And of course I walk downstairs at 1am today and find her on the front porch with some other guy...I’m done.

 

[Hyroler]

I’m so glad I decided to log in here tonight. I’ve felt like a horrible failure as a parent the last day and a half...

Unfortunately after a short span of “good days” where it seemed my daughter and her boyfriend were working things out, she suddenly did a 180 again and broke up with him for good yesterday. It came as a shock because that morning I was with them and they were perfectly fine, laughing and smiling and doing great. They were even getting ready to drive to NC last night for a few days...and then all the sudden she went out with a couple friends, and said she broke up with him. Though she said she loves him, there was absolutely no emotion from her over it (except anger directed at me, which I’ll get to in a second). Anyway, when she told me I just kind of rolled my eyes and said it was her decision. She claimed that he was “too verbally abusive and controlling” (I’ve never seen evidence of this at all) and also claimed that he was “forcing her to go to NC” (again, they had both been fine that morning and seemed happy to be getting away). When she told me flat out that I wasn’t to talk to him, that’s where I drew the line and said I wouldn’t ignore him if he reached out to me. Needless to say that made her angry and she stormed out of the room.

As for the anger—we had a horrible night afterward. For starters, she broke up with him via text message while he was at work (GRRRR!). When I found out, I went to her and told her that she needed to be an adult and do it in person. Her friends were still here, and one tried to interject—I shut her down immediately and said I was tired of the adolescent drama from all of them (these friends have a habit of acting like middle schoolers and never taking responsibility for anything...they’re all 20-something...and this particular friend has been vocal in her dislike of the boyfriend for various childish reasons).

After this, my daughter left for awhile with them. The boyfriend, of course, showed up frazzled and confused to pick up his things that he had left here. I texted her and told her she needed to come home and deal with the situation (he had left). She texted me back to say she had given his stuff to the one friend (the one who hates him) to deliver to him at his work. That, to me, was just heartless. Seriously, I raised her better than this...sigh.

So...when she got home, she and I fought to the point that she got up in my face and screamed horrible things. I went to slap her (not my best moment, but she had me practically cornered) and she backed away. My fingers barely made contact, and she screamed again, pushed me, and threatened to call the police on me (again, I barely touched her...my fingers grazed her but that was it). That was when I finally had it. I told her I didn’t raise her to be cruel or disrespectful, and that if that’s who she wanted to be then she could leave.

Like I said, it was a bad night...this also caused a slight rift between me and my younger daughter who really doesn’t understand what was happening or why we were fighting. She simply saw me kick out her sister and got upset at me for it.

Anyway, my husband changed our lock codes after she left (which she’d given out to her friends and the boyfriend too). Eventually my mother intervened and told her that while she’s entitled to break up with someone, the way she did so was cruel and childish (strangely enough, my dauaghter agreed with my mother even though I had said the same thing). Daughter ended up coming home after my mother mediated, but under the condition that she was not to talk to me or approach me for a few days. She also will not get the new lock codes until my husband and I have had a chance to sit down and discuss ground rules for her to stay on a temporary basis while she looks for a job, gets a drivers license, and finds a place of her own—this includes no friends coming and going at all hours of the night, no guys staying over, and she will come home at a reasonable time (not 3am) or stay somewhere else overnight. I also do not want to hear a single thing regarding her personal life unless she is in danger.

I hate feeling like this and being like this. I love my daughter, but I can’t handle the constant drama and BS anymore. She’s out of control right now—I’ve found empty alcohol containers in my shower, she quit her job, she doesn’t take her medications regularly, and lashing out at me won’t be tolerated. She claims she’s mad that I’m taking the boyfriend’s side, and in at least some ways she’s right because she’s been horrible to him. She also refuses to accept that by bringing him into our lives and making him a part of the family, there are consequences to that (her sister is devastated now because she viewed him as a big brother, and I had started to view him as a son).

I just don’t know what else to do.

Nothing you can do.Your daughter is going to date who she wants to date.I wouldn't blame New guy.I suggest not getting attached to her boyfriends.Its ok to be friendly and make them feel welcome but that's about it.If here last boyfriend was really that great it won't take long for her to realize she screwed up.Maybe she will learn and next time a guy that's good for her comes along she won't take him for granted.