Sometimes we're born into the wrong family **long**

[kara_leigh]

Quote:
The beauty of all this pain is that we NOW have good lives, even though I am still in the transition phase with my mother, I am still strong in who I am. Never cringe!!!! I cannot take offense at a person that handled their pain better than I, in fact I applaud you! I seriously wish I had taken that course. I am soooo thankful for Ken in my life as well. We were meant to be here.

Well, along with all that alone time and writing was years of very deep Depression, so I can't say who was the better off. But you are right, NOW we have good lives and for me at least, I am to thank for that. I opted to give myself a good life despite my mother's best attempts to pass down the dysfunction. I don't mean that literally of course, I know she didn't TRY to be dysfunctional, it's just all she knows. I'm just glad I broke the chain. Unfortunately, I never had kids out of the very great fear that I would ruin them. I didn't want to accidentally pass down the kind of pain my mother brought to me, even thought I *think* I know better. It's not technically too late, but I don't see it happening. I'm still so busy working on myself. One never knows what life has in store however....

We sound SO much alike, it is unreal. Instead of writing, though, I used music. I don't write or play music, but I like to listen to music as an emotional release. I've been that way my whole life. If I'm upset, the first thing I do is pull out the music. When my boyfriend broke up with me in highschool I sat in my room with my headphones on, playing the same song over and over again on the highest level the sound would go. Probably explains my bad hearing now. lol I have lived with depression my entire life, some years are better than others. I don't bother with meds b/c they don't seem to work. I also opted to give myself a better life than my mother tried to give me. My sister didn't choose that option. I did have a child (and wish so much that I had more) but that is my BIGGEST fear in life, that I'm going to ruin him somehow. I feel like I'm a terrible mother, no matter how much my husband tries to convince me I'm not.

 

[Barrdwing]

This thread has been helpful to me. I grew up with a mother who was never satisfied with my "performance" in school, in activities, in social behavior. This, combined with her habit of "forgetting" to pick me up from the many after-school activities that she insisted I participate in--leaving me stranded for hours in places that frightened me--really did a number on my self-esteem. I bent over backwards to please her, but nothing was good enough; if I brought home a B, I got grilled over why it wasn't an A. I grew up terrified of failure, any kind of failure. I was afraid to try new things because I might not do them perfectly. I was a bookworm by nature, an introvert, and not the sparkling trophy child my mother wanted; she really hated that. Her greatest tool was The Worry. If she couldn't get me to do what she wanted, she would Worry at me, and the fear and guilt I felt would force me to "just try, for once, dear!" and push the person I really was further down. For years I was quite sure that there was something horribly wrong with me, some dreadful flaw, because I caused my mother so much Worry. What a delightful conviction to carry through life!

Thirty years later, I am finally looking back on that poor frightened kid and realizing that I'm not her any longer, and that the buttons my mother has been pressing for years don't have to go anywhere. When she starts in on something, I can tell what is happening in my head and disconnect the wiring, disown the automatic child's response of "I'm no good, I'm a bad daughter." Recognizing what is happening and actually making the changes are two very different things, and it's hard to change, but I'm doing it. It's my life, for crying out loud; I'm the one driving, not my mother.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that pain inflicted on a child by her mother is a harsh and savage thing no matter what form it takes, and it's something no child has any defense against. We simply aren't wired to be able to protect ourselves, at that age, from pain coming from that particular source. We are shaped by these things and grow into forms that are variously bent or even tortured; as a child, one has to bend, there is no other way. Only as adults can we take a step back and look objectively at what happened, and the form we are in now, and decide for ourselves whether or not it is acceptable to us. So many people here are taking that step back, and finding our healing. Talking it out is part of it--few things are worse than feeling all alone in one's pain. We stand together, even at so many miles apart, because each of us has felt that kind of pain and stood up and said No More.

 

[punk-a-doodle]

Ladyandherpeeps:
Sorry you feel I was trying to down someone here ,that was not My intent and I feel you took it wrong .Read My post however you want to I am ok with that .I didnt get My words mixed up at all.I have always thought it very sad that a person feels the need to post negative things about their family in an open forum,that being said does not mean I do Not feel for a person who is dealing with such issues.My hope would be for the said person to have real happiness in thier lives and leave the past in the past.It makes one a whole lot healthier person mentally as well as physically and after all isnt that what is most important?
What I said was not an attack ,hopefully someone will understand that.
Peace be with you all.And God Bless.

I did not feel what you said was an attack personally, but that it definitely shows a strong lack of understanding of this particular type of situation. To find real peace and happiness, it is healthiest to explore both the past and present (and for many, whatever painful family influence they have is often still present in some form or another). The fact that most in this situation love their family dearly (those who can truly dismiss their family and simply feel indifference to them often do not feel a need to discuss them), makes it especially important for healing to find a safe and anonymous place (again, no one knows who anyone is talking about...which is extremely helpful in allowing people to talk openly, something one is rarely able to do in regards to family) where they can share and get input from the few people who understand what they are dealing with. It takes great strength just to realize that one has been manipulated so severely in life, and many, some who even have the same parents with the same pressures, never come to understand this. Because they do not explore this, they are still caught in the cycle of trying to please someone who can not be pleased, they live life according to the whims of another and often never are able to be someone they are actually comfortable with, often never make their own decisions. This usually leads to extreme pressure in life, no feeling of peace, and at best, a very easily shattered sense of self and worth. Not healthy.

Family can play a huge role in developing who we are, our values, even thought patterns. Anyone who is now dealing with problems as an adult (such as anxiety disorders, common to people with overbearing parents, drug abuse was mentioned too), realize how deeply their upbringing can effect them well into adulthood, even if contact with a family member has long been severed. To reach peace, understanding, and what sort of person they want to be, exploring their upbringing rather than burying it under "my mother was a Saint, a Saint I tells ya" type mental blocks is the only way to do this, and even in doing so, it is not easy to change things like feelings of extreme worthlessness or the inability to cope with change that has stemmed from years of being made to think and feel a certain way. Telling people to essentially "just get over it" is not a suggestion of a healthy coping mechanism, and I hope it is better understood why doing so has angered or hurt many here.​

 

[3goodeggs]

punk-a-doodle,

thank you.

I think the thing that needs to be reiterated is that it is not 'PAST.' It is a way of life, it is now. It is all cumulative, and if it had been an 'event 'we would have moved on. You have to understand that we love/d our parents dearly, that is why it hurt/s so badly.

They have foster care for a reason. They have made laws about leaving children unattended, and driving drunk for a reason.

I would have given my right arm to have made them happy... to fix them, help them, give them joy...to know I was loved as is. that I was valuable.
but, ultimately the only people we can change is ourselves, and if this thread is helping us understand that their inability to be happy wasn't our responsibility, then I see it as all positive.
we are wounded. we are not sound and solid and fit. but we will be. eventually. and we will be strong enough to handle what they throw at us with dispassion. that's the trick.

children were never meant to rear up parents. But some of us did a really good job for a really long time. Then we get too many other responsibilities to handle the constant anguish.
I would not know any of you if I met you. I would not have known that any of you had dealt with the issues you have gone through.

but, there is healing through this. and if good comes from it, if we hate ourselves a little less for failing to make dysfunctional people functional, then I see no harm in our commiserating.

 

[Laurajean]

Wow. Takes a lot to get me speechless (yet clearly I'm not because I'm about to type, ha ha). Barrdwing, punk-a-doodle, 3goodeggs, all such brilliantly expressed sentiments. I don't know about you guys, but for me, this is probably the most important thread I've ever participated in. I've even gone to Alanon groups, various websites, read a thousand books, etc., but have never found others who relate so much to what I've been through, and of course what Kara is going through. I just think it's absolutely fascinating that we're all "out here", and came together on this thread. I've had others who "kind of" understand, but not to the level that you all do. So many good things were said that I want to go back and put a bunch of peoples' sentences in bold! I'd like to print out the whole thread and keep it somewhere, and read it when I feel alone or misunderstood. One line really got to me, which was when punk-a-doodle said "It takes great strength just to realize that one has been manipulated so severely in life..." That one really made me think, because yes, that's exactly what it is. It's the worst betrayal when ones' own mother could mold and shape you to think, act in a certain way just to accommodate their dysfunctional and unreasonable needs. And then what are we left with after the realization that we've been manipulated our entire lives by our own mothers? I guess feeling pretty stupid, pretty duped. Hurt, betrayed, etc. It's no wonder so many of us have become massive 'people pleasers'. If we can't even please our mother's, we MUST not be trying hard enough, right? Must...try...harder... and so goes the vicious cycle. And then there's the aspect of it that the mother-child bond is supposed to be there, we feel it instinctively, and so this betrayal isn't the same as when a friend hurts you, or anyone else. We keep going back, not for more abuse/neglect/rejection, but for that BOND that we so desperately crave! It's like the abused dog who limps back to his owner even though he's been hit because that's all he knows. Oh, I'm upsetting myself a little here, I better take a break. Anyway, really good things are being said here. I don't care who doesn't understand it or if they don't think it is "appropriate". The way my mother treated me wasn't very "appropriate" either, I feel I've earned my right to talk about it now, to try and gain peace. The only downfall to this forum vs. an actual group meeting is that a group meeting has closed doors, lol, so there are no people joining in to say "tisk tisk".

Oh well, I'm still very grateful for this thread and have been thinking about it for days. Hugs to all.

PS: When you think about it, certain remarks that show a lack of understanding is very representative of the types of things we hear from our own relatives on a regular basis. "don't bring up the past", "you shouldn't talk bad about family", etc. Kinda made me want to say, "Aunt Millie?? Is that YOU?"

 

[debilorrah]

Quote:
That comment totally made me think of the I Love Lucy episode with Mr. Merriweather wanting to contact Tilly. "Tilly, is that YOU??"

 

[Laurajean]

Quote:
That comment totally made me think of the I Love Lucy episode with Mr. Merriweather wanting to contact Tilly. "Tilly, is that YOU??"

 

[nop169]

I must admit I have been addicted to this thread and couldn't resist posting again... Just a couple of thoughts.... The sheer amount of support & understanding presented here has uplifted my soul. A few thoughts for each of you to ponder... First and foremost - What is Truth? Truth is subjective. As I have grown older & raised my own children - I have increased my knowledge & experience to be able to understand my parent's twisted concepts & possible reasons that they acted in the way they did - financial, emotional & physical stress all contributed to the cycle I am sure - but the difference is that I chose a different way to deal with these distractions - a way that did not adversely affect my children. Understand that I am not defending their actions but I did have to analyse and try to come to some sort of understanding as to their actions in order to realize that it was not just me - that truely I was not the problem. I was also raised (deep south) with the mentality that it was not discussed - you were expected to remain silent ... you were their property & they could do as they pleased and you were to take it. Your presented a unified front to the rest of the world regardless of what was happening. l think we have to acknowledge that Truth is defined by the perceiver. My perceptions as a child were limited but that did not change the fact that I was beaten severly and emotionally tormented. That was my truth. My parents may justify their actions and that may define their truth. Which is THE TRUTH? For me the truth is my perception and knowing the full extent of the truth has been a gradual process that has taken me into their childhoods & insecurities in order to understand them. I needed to do this to justify that I wasn't the problem - that I truely am not unloveable, although I was unwanted.
As to the person who ask why discuss this thing of the past - as LauraJean & others have mentioned - it is not the past for those of us who are survivors... it is the present - for those who have never experienced this type of abuse the effect is not apparent perhaps.... but for those of us brought up in such dysfunctional, painful homes this defines who we are. I was taught to be silent & one of my sins is that I "betrayed" the family by telling. I left home at 17 - lived in my car for two years and almost starved to death. Finished high school & worked two jobs. It almost killed me. I felt I could not go to anyone else because in my experience I was not believed. People accomadated themselves as people do. At that time I had no need to cover anymore - when asked why I left home - I told. Of course, the "Leave it to Beaver" family who showed no dysfunction to the world claimed I was wild.... I was an alcoholic.... I was a whore hopper.... I was gay.... I lied.... SO as a 17 year old boy who left home - who do you think the public believed? It was hard living this way - hard to be judged by people when I did none of these things- but better that than living at that home. SILENCE perpetuated the crime & allowed it to continue for my younger siblings. I WILL NOT BE SILENT... I will take responsibility for my life & choices from the time I left home but I HOLD THEM ACCOUNTABLE for the hell we were exposed to. Silence is a tool of the abuser.
I am 42 now as mentioned earlier - and although I understand much more now than I did then - I still ache for acknowledgement, for belonging and for TRUTH to be brought into the light. But it is what has made me who I am - both the positive & negetive aspects that I have experienced colors the person I am today. My empathy, honor, loyalty, my perception of who is family, how I raised my children, what I believe in my God, who I see when I look in the mirror - all of these things have a direct relation to the past. It never goes away - the ugliness rears its head throughout life whether by dream, flashback, situation and even sometimes by smell. All I can do is take the ugliness & search my heart & soul and try to learn from it. I truely believe that the path choosen for us is to burn away the dross - the paths we take & choices we make help to scour away the things that cloud our minds and allow us to eventually shine. It is a process - one that most likely will continue throughout our lifetime - but for those of us who question, who search for the truth & understanding it is a necessary path. We chose to stop the cycle.
I did as many of you and totally cut off communication from my birth family years ago. I have even posted on BYC of certain events such as my mother showing up at my home on my birthday yet does not acknowledge me, my spouse or God forbid my biracial youngest child at any other time or in public. Yes it hurts, no it doesn't ever go away but I believe God uses these things to help me become the man I should be. You may disagree - but to me - why would these things be allowed and why would we question unless their is some higher purpose? That is how I manage - introspection. That is the only way it makes sense to me. This allows me to turn hurt into something else - something that drives me to be better as a husband, father & friend.
There are many aspects that this type of upbringing brings out into one's life.... but I encourage you to protect yourself & your true family. I encourage you to tell the TRUTH - YOUR TRUTH and not to become an accesory by remaining silent. I encourage you to search, to feel, to confront when necessary & to let go of those who emotionally hurt you. And KNOW - eventually you WILL find peace.

 

[Laurajean]

Quote:
That was just beautiful. Truly well said. I second everything you spoke of. And forgive my occasional references to "daughters", because this most certainly applies to sons as well, and you are not the only man here to speak up, and I am grateful for that, since not a lot of men do speak up. Your general points made me think of the thread title "Sometimes we are born into the wrong families..." I keep meaning and keep forgetting to say that I do not think we are born into the wrong families. Although I wouldn't wish my childhood pain (and adulthood pain) upon anyone, I do believe that things happen for a reason, and I do KNOW that I am exactly who I am today because of my particular family experiences. I am extremely compassionate, loving and caring. I'm very thoughtful. When people compliment me on who I have become, or that I "must have been raised well", I sometimes say (if the conversation is appropriate) "Thank you, I am this way despite my mother, I raised myself to be this way". She is not compassionate, thoughtful or caring. And so I learned to be this way by defying the very nature of her, determined to do better, to be better. I try to treat others the way I wish I had been treated. My brother, much like the OP's sister, took a different path. He became just like my mother, if not worse. And the two of them have a very close bond and think the rest of us who "escaped" are crazy. That's fine. They can live in their safety bubble of denial, and I will strive, like you, to analyze, understand, practice being better. I too have always had a great need to understand, and to analyze. I can look at my mother and recognize certain factors, for example: Her extreme need to "be a victim", even if it means lying about her own children, most likely stems at least in part because she was the youngest of seven children, with a single mother, who was also detached and preoccupied with the poverty that faced them in those years. I have gathered that she was greatly ignored. In fact, she was molested as a teen, and SHE was sent away to live with an aunt, while the offender was allowed to remain in the home. I know that these things damaged her, increased her need for the attention that she too genuinely deserved. I can sympathize, but that simply does not excuse it, or make her treatment of me okay. I can't simply say, "Oh, poor Ma, she had it bad, it's not her fault" because she COULD have done better. I know this because I did.

So while I do a lot of analyzing about *why* things were the way they were, it still does not excuse it in my mind, only helps me to understand exactly what you said nop169, which is that it's not ME. I didn't do anything wrong. I was good. I should have been loved and treated well, not grossly neglected and emotionally tortured by my mother. And also like you, I will talk about it as long as I feel the need. I don't go out of my way to call up others and badmouth her. To the contrary, I remain civil and usually do not bring it up with relatives because there is no need to involve them in my issues. But in a scenario such as this, when someone needs to talk, or if I need to share? Absolutely. I stood by my mother for the first 30 years of my life, silently, even trying to make her look good to others. I am done with all that now. I'm almost 40. I have a life to live, and it's going to be a proud, honest and open life. I will not be her scape goat anymore. I'm proud and happy for you and all of us who strive to do better despite our pain. And yes, just because we aren't in touch with these relatives doesn't mean the pain is gone of course. I too have my triggers, random memories, etc. But for me, talking about this with other like-minded individuals is extremely comforting.

 

[Laurajean]

On the topic of those of us who tried so desperately to "be good", yet nothing ever being enough, I think of this song. I can't listen to it without getting emotional, but I really love it. So simple, yet so moving. At least to me.