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Funnies

By Saroco, Jan 11, 2012 | |
  1. Saroco
    ONE LINERS

    -If flying is so safe, why is the airport called a terminal?
    -Best oxymoron: Act Natural.
    -If "pro" is the opposite of "con" is Congress the opposite of progress?
    -Ninty-nine percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
    -Borrow money from a pessimist---they don't expect it back.
    -I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.
    -If we aren't suppose to eat animals, then why are they made out of meat?
    -No one is listening until you make a mistake.
    -He who laughs last thinks slowest.
    -Always remember that you are unique; just like everyone else.
    -A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
    -As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools.
    -Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let her sleep.
    -42.3 percent of statistics were made up on the spot.
    -If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence thet you tried.
    -I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges.
    -Eat right. Stay fit. Die anyway.
    -On the other hand, I have five fingers.
    -Don't steal. The government hates competition.
    -Me fail english? Thats unpossible.
    -Every so often, I like to go to a window, look up, and smile for a satellite picture.
    -They misunderestimate me.
    -When I was a kid, we had a quicksand box in the backyard. I was the only child...eventually.
    -National Athiest Day: April 1st
    -IRS: We've got what it takes to take what you've got.
    -If everything is coming your way, then you're in the wrong lane.
    -The word "gullible" isn't in the dictionary.
    -The Big Bang Theory: God spoke, and BANG! It happened.
    -Couduroy pillows: They're making headlines!
    -Nobody's perfect. I'm a nobody.
    -The hardness of butter is directly proportional to the softness of the bread.
    -Stop repeat offenders: Don't re-elect them!
    -I intend to live forever. So far, so good.
    -What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
    -Energizer Bunny arrested; charged with battery.
    -I've had amnesia as long as I can remember.
    -Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
    -Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.
    -Kids always listen...In fact, they repeat word for word things you shouldn't have said.
    -Celebrities are people who work their entire life trying to be famous, then wear dark glasses so no one will recognize them.
    -Why do you never see the headline: "Psychic wins lottery"?
    -Why do docters call what they do "practice"?
    - Only in North America do people order large burger, extra fries, and a diet coke.
    -Why is lemonade made with artificial lemons and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?
    -Only in North America do we leave our brand new car in the driveway, and put the junkie in the garage.
    -I want to die peacefully in me sleep, like my grandfather...Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.
    -An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys.
    -A gentleman is a man who knows how to play the accordian, but doesn't.
    -You can observe a lot by just watching.
    -There's no half-singing in the shower. You're either a rock star, or an opera diva.
    -Don't use a big word where a diminutive word will suffice.
    -Just because you're not paranoid doesn't mean they're not out to get you.
    -I am not a vegetarian because I love animals. I am a vegetarian because I hate plants.
    -A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick-boxing.
    -If my calculations are correct, SLINKY + ESCULATOR = EVERLASTING FUN!
    -Anyone who uses the phrase "easy as taking candy from a baby" has never tried taking candy from a baby.
    -Duct tape is like the force. It has a dark side, a light side, and it holds the universe together.
    -I got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.
    -Some people are like Slinkies. Not really good for anything, but they bring a smile to your face when pushed down stairs.
    -If things get any worse, I'm going to ask you to stop helping.
    -Why does the sun lighten our hair, but darken our skin?
    -Why do we bake cookies and cook bacon?
    -A dog in a flea circus will steal the show.
    -The most difficult secret for a man to keep is the opinion he has of himself.
    -If you want to reach the top, get off your bottom.
    -Why are there flotation devices under plane seats instead of parachutes?
    -Whose Idea was it to put an "S" in the word lisp?
    -Why do we park in the driveway, and drive in the parkway?
    -Does fuzzy logic tickle?
    -War doesn't determine who's right. War determines who's left.
    -If ignorace is bliss, why arn't more people happy?
    -How can someone draw a blank?
    -Why is there Braille on drive up ATMs?
    -Regular naps prevent old age....Especially if taken while you drive.
    -Why is the person you give you're money to called a broker?
    - Only in North America do banks leave both doors wide opern, then chain the pens to the desk.
    -I am the most humble person I know.
    -Me?! Sarcastic?! Nooo!
    -73.5 percent of statistics are wrong.
    -I have only been wrong once...and that's when I thought I was wrong.
    -Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.
    -I did'nt fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.
    -It's lonely at the top; but you do eat better.
    -Few women admit their age; few men act it.
    -Give me ambiguity or give me something else.
    -Campers: Natures way of feeding mosquitos.
    -There are three kinds of people: Those who can count, and those who can't.
    -I started out with nothing and I still have most of it.
    -Laugh alone and the world thinks you're an idiot.
    -Be nice to your kids. They'll chose your nursing home.
    -Nothing is fool proof to a sufficiently talented fool.
    -All generalizations are false.
    -Work is for people who don't know how to fish.
    -Gravity always gets me down.
    -Buffet is a French term, it means "get up and get it yourself."
    -"Do not use if you cannot see clearly to read the information in the information book"--In the information book

    -"Caution: the contents of this bottle should not be fed to fish." --On a bottle of shampoo for dogs
    -"For external use only!" --On a curling iron
    -"Do not use while sleeping" --On a hair dryer
    -"Do not use while sleeping or unconsience." --On a hand-held messaging device
    -"This product is not intended for use as a dental drill." --On an electric rotary tool
    -"Caution: Do not spray in eyes." --On a container of underarm deoderant
    -"Do not use near flame, fire, or sparks." --On a fireplace lighter
    -"May irritate eyes." --On a can of self defence pepper-spray
    -"Caution: Hot beverages are hot!" --On a coffee cup
    -"Caution: Shoots rubber bands." --On a rubber band shooter
    -"Warning: May contain small parts" --On a frisbee
    -"Do not use orally." -- On a toilet bowl cleaning brush
    -"Do not use for drying pets" --On a microwave oven
    -"Remove wrapper, open mouth, insert muffin, eat." --On a muffin package
    -"Do not look into laser with remaining eye" --On a laser pointer
    -"Do not use as ear plugs" --On a package of silly putty
    -"Fragile. Do not drop" --Poster on a Boeing 757
    -"Caution: Remove infant before folding for storage." --On a portable stroller
    -"Do not turn upside down." --On the bottom of a dessert box
    -"Not for human consumption." --On a package of dice
    -"May be harmfull if swallowed." --On a shipment of hammers
    -"Do not attemps to stop blade with your hand" -- In the manual for a chainsaw
    -"100% pure yarn." --On a sweater
    -"Danger Do not hold the wrong side of the chainsaw." --On the manual for a chainsaw
    -"Serving suggestions: Defrost." --On a frozen dinner
    -"Not for use as a flotation device." --On a package of Life-Savers candy
    -"Warning: Keep out of children" --On a kitchen knife
    -What do you get when you throw a bomb into a French kitchen? Linolium blown-apart

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