ONE LINERS
-If flying is so safe, why is the airport called a terminal?
-Best oxymoron: Act Natural.
-If "pro" is the opposite of "con" is Congress the opposite of progress?
-Ninty-nine percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
-Borrow money from a pessimist---they don't expect it back.
-I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.
-If we aren't suppose to eat animals, then why are they made out of meat?
-No one is listening until you make a mistake.
-He who laughs last thinks slowest.
-Always remember that you are unique; just like everyone else.
-A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
-As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools.
-Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let her sleep.
-42.3 percent of statistics were made up on the spot.
-If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence thet you tried.
-I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges.
-Eat right. Stay fit. Die anyway.
-On the other hand, I have five fingers.
-Don't steal. The government hates competition.
-Me fail english? Thats unpossible.
-Every so often, I like to go to a window, look up, and smile for a satellite picture.
-They misunderestimate me.
-When I was a kid, we had a quicksand box in the backyard. I was the only child...eventually.
-National Athiest Day: April 1st
-IRS: We've got what it takes to take what you've got.
-If everything is coming your way, then you're in the wrong lane.
-The word "gullible" isn't in the dictionary.
-The Big Bang Theory: God spoke, and BANG! It happened.
-Couduroy pillows: They're making headlines!
-Nobody's perfect. I'm a nobody.
-The hardness of butter is directly proportional to the softness of the bread.
-Stop repeat offenders: Don't re-elect them!
-I intend to live forever. So far, so good.
-What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
-Energizer Bunny arrested; charged with battery.
-I've had amnesia as long as I can remember.
-Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
-Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.
-Kids always listen...In fact, they repeat word for word things you shouldn't have said.
-Celebrities are people who work their entire life trying to be famous, then wear dark glasses so no one will recognize them.
-Why do you never see the headline: "Psychic wins lottery"?
-Why do docters call what they do "practice"?
- Only in North America do people order large burger, extra fries, and a diet coke.
-Why is lemonade made with artificial lemons and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?
-Only in North America do we leave our brand new car in the driveway, and put the junkie in the garage.
-I want to die peacefully in me sleep, like my grandfather...Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.
-An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys.
-A gentleman is a man who knows how to play the accordian, but doesn't.
-You can observe a lot by just watching.
-There's no half-singing in the shower. You're either a rock star, or an opera diva.
-Don't use a big word where a diminutive word will suffice.
-Just because you're not paranoid doesn't mean they're not out to get you.
-I am not a vegetarian because I love animals. I am a vegetarian because I hate plants.
-A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick-boxing.
-If my calculations are correct, SLINKY + ESCULATOR = EVERLASTING FUN!
-Anyone who uses the phrase "easy as taking candy from a baby" has never tried taking candy from a baby.
-Duct tape is like the force. It has a dark side, a light side, and it holds the universe together.
-I got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.
-Some people are like Slinkies. Not really good for anything, but they bring a smile to your face when pushed down stairs.
-If things get any worse, I'm going to ask you to stop helping.
-Why does the sun lighten our hair, but darken our skin?
-Why do we bake cookies and cook bacon?
-A dog in a flea circus will steal the show.
-The most difficult secret for a man to keep is the opinion he has of himself.
-If you want to reach the top, get off your bottom.
-Why are there flotation devices under plane seats instead of parachutes?
-Whose Idea was it to put an "S" in the word lisp?
-Why do we park in the driveway, and drive in the parkway?
-Does fuzzy logic tickle?
-War doesn't determine who's right. War determines who's left.
-If ignorace is bliss, why arn't more people happy?
-How can someone draw a blank?
-Why is there Braille on drive up ATMs?
-Regular naps prevent old age....Especially if taken while you drive.
-Why is the person you give you're money to called a broker?
- Only in North America do banks leave both doors wide opern, then chain the pens to the desk.
-I am the most humble person I know.
-Me?! Sarcastic?! Nooo!
-73.5 percent of statistics are wrong.
-I have only been wrong once...and that's when I thought I was wrong.
-Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.
-I did'nt fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.
-It's lonely at the top; but you do eat better.
-Few women admit their age; few men act it.
-Give me ambiguity or give me something else.
-Campers: Natures way of feeding mosquitos.
-There are three kinds of people: Those who can count, and those who can't.
-I started out with nothing and I still have most of it.
-Laugh alone and the world thinks you're an idiot.
-Be nice to your kids. They'll chose your nursing home.
-Nothing is fool proof to a sufficiently talented fool.
-All generalizations are false.
-Work is for people who don't know how to fish.
-Gravity always gets me down.
-Buffet is a French term, it means "get up and get it yourself."
-"Do not use if you cannot see clearly to read the information in the information book"--In the information book
-"Caution: the contents of this bottle should not be fed to fish." --On a bottle of shampoo for dogs
-"For external use only!" --On a curling iron
-"Do not use while sleeping" --On a hair dryer
-"Do not use while sleeping or unconsience." --On a hand-held messaging device
-"This product is not intended for use as a dental drill." --On an electric rotary tool
-"Caution: Do not spray in eyes." --On a container of underarm deoderant
-"Do not use near flame, fire, or sparks." --On a fireplace lighter
-"May irritate eyes." --On a can of self defence pepper-spray
-"Caution: Hot beverages are hot!" --On a coffee cup
-"Caution: Shoots rubber bands." --On a rubber band shooter
-"Warning: May contain small parts" --On a frisbee
-"Do not use orally." -- On a toilet bowl cleaning brush
-"Do not use for drying pets" --On a microwave oven
-"Remove wrapper, open mouth, insert muffin, eat." --On a muffin package
-"Do not look into laser with remaining eye" --On a laser pointer
-"Do not use as ear plugs" --On a package of silly putty
-"Fragile. Do not drop" --Poster on a Boeing 757
-"Caution: Remove infant before folding for storage." --On a portable stroller
-"Do not turn upside down." --On the bottom of a dessert box
-"Not for human consumption." --On a package of dice
-"May be harmfull if swallowed." --On a shipment of hammers
-"Do not attemps to stop blade with your hand" -- In the manual for a chainsaw
-"100% pure yarn." --On a sweater
-"Danger Do not hold the wrong side of the chainsaw." --On the manual for a chainsaw
-"Serving suggestions: Defrost." --On a frozen dinner
-"Not for use as a flotation device." --On a package of Life-Savers candy
-"Warning: Keep out of children" --On a kitchen knife
-What do you get when you throw a bomb into a French kitchen? Linolium blown-apart
-If flying is so safe, why is the airport called a terminal?
-Best oxymoron: Act Natural.
-If "pro" is the opposite of "con" is Congress the opposite of progress?
-Ninty-nine percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
-Borrow money from a pessimist---they don't expect it back.
-I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.
-If we aren't suppose to eat animals, then why are they made out of meat?
-No one is listening until you make a mistake.
-He who laughs last thinks slowest.
-Always remember that you are unique; just like everyone else.
-A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
-As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools.
-Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let her sleep.
-42.3 percent of statistics were made up on the spot.
-If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence thet you tried.
-I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges.
-Eat right. Stay fit. Die anyway.
-On the other hand, I have five fingers.
-Don't steal. The government hates competition.
-Me fail english? Thats unpossible.
-Every so often, I like to go to a window, look up, and smile for a satellite picture.
-They misunderestimate me.
-When I was a kid, we had a quicksand box in the backyard. I was the only child...eventually.
-National Athiest Day: April 1st
-IRS: We've got what it takes to take what you've got.
-If everything is coming your way, then you're in the wrong lane.
-The word "gullible" isn't in the dictionary.
-The Big Bang Theory: God spoke, and BANG! It happened.
-Couduroy pillows: They're making headlines!
-Nobody's perfect. I'm a nobody.
-The hardness of butter is directly proportional to the softness of the bread.
-Stop repeat offenders: Don't re-elect them!
-I intend to live forever. So far, so good.
-What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
-Energizer Bunny arrested; charged with battery.
-I've had amnesia as long as I can remember.
-Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
-Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.
-Kids always listen...In fact, they repeat word for word things you shouldn't have said.
-Celebrities are people who work their entire life trying to be famous, then wear dark glasses so no one will recognize them.
-Why do you never see the headline: "Psychic wins lottery"?
-Why do docters call what they do "practice"?
- Only in North America do people order large burger, extra fries, and a diet coke.
-Why is lemonade made with artificial lemons and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?
-Only in North America do we leave our brand new car in the driveway, and put the junkie in the garage.
-I want to die peacefully in me sleep, like my grandfather...Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.
-An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys.
-A gentleman is a man who knows how to play the accordian, but doesn't.
-You can observe a lot by just watching.
-There's no half-singing in the shower. You're either a rock star, or an opera diva.
-Don't use a big word where a diminutive word will suffice.
-Just because you're not paranoid doesn't mean they're not out to get you.
-I am not a vegetarian because I love animals. I am a vegetarian because I hate plants.
-A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick-boxing.
-If my calculations are correct, SLINKY + ESCULATOR = EVERLASTING FUN!
-Anyone who uses the phrase "easy as taking candy from a baby" has never tried taking candy from a baby.
-Duct tape is like the force. It has a dark side, a light side, and it holds the universe together.
-I got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.
-Some people are like Slinkies. Not really good for anything, but they bring a smile to your face when pushed down stairs.
-If things get any worse, I'm going to ask you to stop helping.
-Why does the sun lighten our hair, but darken our skin?
-Why do we bake cookies and cook bacon?
-A dog in a flea circus will steal the show.
-The most difficult secret for a man to keep is the opinion he has of himself.
-If you want to reach the top, get off your bottom.
-Why are there flotation devices under plane seats instead of parachutes?
-Whose Idea was it to put an "S" in the word lisp?
-Why do we park in the driveway, and drive in the parkway?
-Does fuzzy logic tickle?
-War doesn't determine who's right. War determines who's left.
-If ignorace is bliss, why arn't more people happy?
-How can someone draw a blank?
-Why is there Braille on drive up ATMs?
-Regular naps prevent old age....Especially if taken while you drive.
-Why is the person you give you're money to called a broker?
- Only in North America do banks leave both doors wide opern, then chain the pens to the desk.
-I am the most humble person I know.
-Me?! Sarcastic?! Nooo!
-73.5 percent of statistics are wrong.
-I have only been wrong once...and that's when I thought I was wrong.
-Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.
-I did'nt fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.
-It's lonely at the top; but you do eat better.
-Few women admit their age; few men act it.
-Give me ambiguity or give me something else.
-Campers: Natures way of feeding mosquitos.
-There are three kinds of people: Those who can count, and those who can't.
-I started out with nothing and I still have most of it.
-Laugh alone and the world thinks you're an idiot.
-Be nice to your kids. They'll chose your nursing home.
-Nothing is fool proof to a sufficiently talented fool.
-All generalizations are false.
-Work is for people who don't know how to fish.
-Gravity always gets me down.
-Buffet is a French term, it means "get up and get it yourself."
-"Do not use if you cannot see clearly to read the information in the information book"--In the information book
-"Caution: the contents of this bottle should not be fed to fish." --On a bottle of shampoo for dogs
-"For external use only!" --On a curling iron
-"Do not use while sleeping" --On a hair dryer
-"Do not use while sleeping or unconsience." --On a hand-held messaging device
-"This product is not intended for use as a dental drill." --On an electric rotary tool
-"Caution: Do not spray in eyes." --On a container of underarm deoderant
-"Do not use near flame, fire, or sparks." --On a fireplace lighter
-"May irritate eyes." --On a can of self defence pepper-spray
-"Caution: Hot beverages are hot!" --On a coffee cup
-"Caution: Shoots rubber bands." --On a rubber band shooter
-"Warning: May contain small parts" --On a frisbee
-"Do not use orally." -- On a toilet bowl cleaning brush
-"Do not use for drying pets" --On a microwave oven
-"Remove wrapper, open mouth, insert muffin, eat." --On a muffin package
-"Do not look into laser with remaining eye" --On a laser pointer
-"Do not use as ear plugs" --On a package of silly putty
-"Fragile. Do not drop" --Poster on a Boeing 757
-"Caution: Remove infant before folding for storage." --On a portable stroller
-"Do not turn upside down." --On the bottom of a dessert box
-"Not for human consumption." --On a package of dice
-"May be harmfull if swallowed." --On a shipment of hammers
-"Do not attemps to stop blade with your hand" -- In the manual for a chainsaw
-"100% pure yarn." --On a sweater
-"Danger Do not hold the wrong side of the chainsaw." --On the manual for a chainsaw
-"Serving suggestions: Defrost." --On a frozen dinner
-"Not for use as a flotation device." --On a package of Life-Savers candy
-"Warning: Keep out of children" --On a kitchen knife
-What do you get when you throw a bomb into a French kitchen? Linolium blown-apart