16 years together but....

[Cknldy]

Volunteering is basically out because dh would be paying for gas. And if he knew it was volunteer, no pay...yeah, that's not gonna work. Distance from home vs pay is a huge consideration as I must have something to take home after gas and any childcare or else it isn't worth doing. (Or hearing the fussing for working but not being able to pay on bills, etc; it would be working for nothing but an argument) At least you do have a degree which is something to stand on. Try becoming an insider but not letting them push you away. I have been unsocial for years because of fears of people and what would be asked if I was seen talking with someone dh didn't know or didn't approve of. Last year I thought about my life and how things were with me. My chickens brought me around to getting up the courage to talk to other chicken people, a need for hay for the coop lead me to talking to a local cattle man, etc. Don't let them know how u feel inside and only show a brazen face. The cattle man may have thought some weirdo girl just showed up for hay but by the time I left- over an hour later- we had discussed farming, animals, his wife's show horses, my chickens and he wrote down my name and number in case he needed help later. He now waves every time he passes my place. As far as dh is concerned: the first time I told him I met a distant neighbor and everything I learned about him dh told me I didn't need to go bothering folks and to leave them alone. I replied that it's not a bad thing to meet folks that live around you. It's the country- u meet people, help em out, they may be able to help u, and at least u know something about the ones around u. Neighbor wasn't bothered and enjoyed talking with me. I was afraid to meet others and it totally helped to not show that fear. Eventually they'll accept u.

 

[Cknldy]

Oh yeah- father's wife got me to thinking about paypal type selling and ebay, etc. My internet savvy is phooey (not a word but u get it right?) Again due to social fears but I've researched and am catching on. I may set up a paypal account soon and will learn to navigate ebay. Success today- my very 1st sale from chickens as I sold a dozen eggs and got a request for more I didn't spend the $2.25, I put it away to be used for chickens or quilting. When I get enough $$ I will open a separate account to set up for a paypal account. Dh doesn't know about this or my plans for now. Happy cluckin til next time...

 

[Trefoil]

Your quilts are beautiful and as you obviously can take pictures, you need to compile an album of your work. There are all sorts of free apps on the internet to help you do this. Ebay is simple and paypal is easy. If you sell on ebay, paypal is a help because it insures you get your money, but they do charge for it. Its up to you whether its worth it or not. A lot of people only buy using paypal,though. If you sell quilts, don't undervalue them or your work. Craigslist, best farm buys both have free adds. Best of all both of them have a potentially far reach. With a little ambition and a lot of work (making quilts) you can make a good living from it.
"His" cigs and "his" food, ect. is bs. The next time he says something like that try telling him that he has hurt your feelings and won't be getting any for a couple of days until you get over it.

 

[missnu01]

My ex-husband acted very similar. He would complain when I was working that he had to watch the kids, or that there were too many guys where I was working at the time...Eventually because of his constant carrying on and calling me all the time I would just quit, and then he would complain that we didn't have any money and I didn't work. I was never "allowed" to go anywhere or hang out with friends. When he did work he would take my keys and cell phone so while he was gone I couldn't go anywhere or talk to anyone...then he would go out after work to spend money we didn't have, and then he would yell and yell and carry on once he got home...It was terrible. At first it was little bouts of jealousy and insecurity, but as time went on he got worse and worse...He was really really controlling though. But it's like he snuck it in on me. He would make me feel like I couldn't survive without him. Slick move. But I figured it out. There was one time we were walking into the local walmart and a stranger nodded at me...You know the southern I am a person, you are a person I will nod at you type nod, and my then husband flew off the handle about who was that guy and how did I know him...?! I mean insanity. Inevitably he started hitting me because verbal abuse wasn't enough to teach me I couldn't live without him...so I guess he thought physical violence was the answer. But I am no shrinking violet, and I have some terrible passive aggressive tendencies...so one night when he was carrying on in yet another alcohol fueled insanity scream match I went next door and asked the big buff neighbor to come make my husband leave, and he did. Because while my husband would fight physically with me, he wouldn't fight with other men, I assume because he might get hurt. Either way I got him out, and then I moved back to WNC. My ex had convinced me to move to SC where I knew very few people and what not which later the reasons became clear, because once we were there everything got so so much worse. I just worry because my husband now is also the insecure jealous controlling type as well...Not so much the controlling aspect of it...Just like if I leave the house he has to call me a million times and drill me about where I am and what I am doing, and who is that in the background (the radio) so on and so forth...but that is how it all started with my ex. And I tell my husband that he needs to be careful to keep himself in check because jealousy issues spin out of control fast. I don't know why I pick guys that are jealously controlling, but I seem to. My current husband has asked me if I would move across the country with him, and I would be lying if I didn't say that it scares me to death, because like I said, my ex wasn't that bad until we were away from everyone else we knew. and I had nobody to help me.

 

[Cknldy]

When I was in counseling I was told that most of dh's behaviors were because of his own insecurities. Once I came out of my shell and started talking to people in my family about what goes on here he seemed to calm down a bit. It's not like I just get on the phone and rant on and on about him but once he knew I wasn't the only one that knew about his behavior it was like putting him in check. I use to not talk to even my family at all. Now I call my father's wife and my father several times a week. And starting a repertoire with locals? Well, you just gotta get out there so you aren't totally stuck on dh. Folks (including his family) thought I was snobbish and didn't want to go around them until I started getting out there and they figured out on their own that it was dh's ways that kept me at bay. As far as doing certain things to keep you at home- he tried that once right after we had our first child. Sold all automatic cars cuz I couldn't drive standard and only left big lift-kit 4 wheel drive truck at home when he went to work. I had to literally climb into that thing but you know what? He got a huge surprise when he got home and I wasn't there! He had inadvertantly taught me to drive standards and now I can take off in anything. Somewhere in all these years I've forgotten my backbone and am now becoming me. Dh? Let's just say HE is now in a position to literally climb in the truck and love me as me or find a new slave. I still love him just not his domineering personality. Thank you everyone for your wonderful comments on the quilting! Today's weather is storms and horrid wind so I'm out at daylight to provide some temporary extra protection for my chickens. Happy cluckin and stay safe during this weather!

 

[HeatherLynn]

Ok, I read all the posts and I am so ticked off right now, I might hit your husband with a skillet. The payday comment would have seriously earned my husband some physical pain. Girlie you have got to get yourself independent. Heck set up selling on here and call it a quilt drive for freedom. This is not how being a stay at home mom is supposed to work.

So I am a stay at home mom. I worked until we had our second child but after that my husband wanted me to stay with the kids and I was more than happy to. I also do the bills. My husbands big complaint is I never take care of myself like I take care of everyone else. Every time he goes out he buys me a little treat. Even if its just these yummy old fashioned caramels that I am addicted to. Not once have I ever heard I earn all the money. As a stay at home I work harder than my husband does and he knows it. He dreads when I have to be gone from the house for a day and he has all the kids ( just 4 but they are a bit hyper). Its all in the attitude. I appreciate everything he does and I tell him so. He appreciates me and may not say the words often but shows it every day. And this attitude is not because he is getting everything he wants in and out of the bedroom. Right now I am struggling with some physical issues and he just says we will be patient. That is called respect. I don't say this to brag. I want you to see the difference. What you are going through is abuse. Don't sugar coat it. Its mental abuse and I would kick his butt six ways to Sunday for it.

Your whole focus needs to be getting money set aside and educate yourself. You do not have to go to school for that. You can read. There are books on selling online you can check out of the library. I am not saying to leave him but you need to have that as an option. I would talk to him and I would be blunt. Have a back up plan if you ever did need to leave because sometimes its a very short distance from mental to physical abuse.

 

[MaryMouse]

I just wanted to say, that when you talk to neighbors, like the hay guy, thats not bothering him, thats called networking.

For example I always schedual extra time (1-2 hours) when I am conducting any kind of transaction with my hay guy, because after the transaction, we gab for quite a while. Durring these gab sessions we network on things like a tractor for sale, so and so has straw available, get your tractor parts here, so and so is looking for chickens. You get the point. Keep gabbing with people, ya never know what ya can learn.

 

[bamachicks8]

Ok, I read all the posts and I am so ticked off right now, I might hit your husband with a skillet. The payday comment would have seriously earned my husband some physical pain.  Girlie you have got to get yourself independent. Heck set up selling on here and call it a quilt drive for freedom. This is not how being a stay at home mom is supposed to work.

So I am a stay at home mom. I worked until we had our second child but after that my husband wanted me to stay with the kids and I was more than happy to. I also do the bills. My husbands big complaint is I never take care of myself like I take care of everyone else. Every time he goes out he buys me a little treat. Even if its just these yummy old fashioned caramels that I am addicted to. Not once have I ever heard I earn all the money. As a stay at home I work harder than my husband does and he knows it. He dreads when I have to be gone from the house for a day and he has all the kids ( just 4 but they are a bit hyper). Its all in the attitude. I appreciate everything he does and I tell him so. He appreciates me and may not say the words often but shows it every day.  And this attitude is not because he is getting everything he wants in and out of the bedroom. Right now I am struggling with some physical issues and he just says we will be patient. That is called respect. I don't say this to brag. I want you to see the difference. What you are going through is abuse. Don't sugar coat it. Its mental abuse and I would kick his butt six ways to Sunday for it.

Your whole focus needs to be getting money set aside and educate yourself. You do not have to go to school for that. You can read. There are books on selling online you can check out of the library. I am not saying to leave him but you need to have that as an option. I would talk to him and I would be blunt. Have a back up plan if you ever did need to leave because sometimes its a very short distance from mental to physical abuse.

 

Great advice

 

[Cknldy]

Okay everyone, I was trying to leave this out and skirt around it to do this thread as a kind of "becoming me again instead of his slave after 16 years" but you folks seem to sense unwritten things Dh has in the past but is afraid to again because of the result. There, it's out there as many of you have suspected. Somewhere in there though he does love me as he saved my life after a suicide attempt last year. That is the point at which I started to really look at me, how I reacted to certain situations and what the true problems were. I began to talk more openly and since the two of us are not the only ones that know what goes on here he is afraid of the consequences. I am preparing myself for a possible future without him as I don't know if our relationship is salvagable. He doesn't and will not know about the acct I plan to set up for paypal and internet sales of what I make; Simply as a precaution on my part. If he knew then he'd make sure I didn't have a penny left for an 'in case' event. Happy cluckin and rest easy as it all works out....

 

[Cknldy]

Funny chicken story this morning: Fed and watered then set about putting vaseline on combs, wattles and legs. All went smoothly even with Mr. Peck. It was as if they really appreciated whatever I was doing to them Thanked everyone for being so good as I crumbled a biscuit for them. Kitten ran past my feet and got just inside door of coop. It's never been interested in the chickens, just whatever food I'm giving. Well, Mr. Peck set onto that kitten and it seemed to have no idea what was going on for the first few seconds as it was still eatinglike a piece of biscuit. Then it all of a sudden realized it wasn't me grabbing it up and let out a wail. I finally got my foot wedged between roo and kitten enough to roll kitten over the threshold of the door. After seeing that it wasn't physically hurt I laughed as I watched it sulk away bewildered! It seemed as though Mr. Peck took it easy on the little guy compared to some of the flying assaults he's done on the kids as a hormonal juvenile. One for the record as he was sooo gentle with me putting vaseline all over him just moments earlier Dh is back to nice and talking to me like a person he loves. In a low voice- ' clandestine sale of my crafts and goods still a go'... I may feel guilty for doing it while he's being sweet but I'll thank all of you and myself later if/ when he starts up again. That will likely be on the day I get hired somewhere but who knows? Happy cluckin....