!3 year old, IPod, School and what to do...

[redhen]

ooh not even a question for me...
The ipod would be GONE. (i would not destroy it though..i'd give it back to her grandparents.. or hide it REAL well in the house) I would not even warn her again..it seems shes had many warnings..
AND if she wants to give you lip about it.. clear out her room... and she can EARN her room things back with good behavior.
She'll catch on real quick that you mean business...
She needs to realize that you dont HAVE to let her have anything...its your house, your rules. period.

 

[Cetawin]

redhen...the clearing her room out does not work. Been there done that...the first time she was 5 years old and would not behave in school...she wanted to play all the time. So, I left her bed, clothes, dresser and nightstand....she came home, went to her room, came out for dinner and bath and then went back to bed and school in the morning. The child did that for 3 months and I finally caved and gave her back her stuff because she was so young. The second time she was 10. She waisted me out for 8 months and I finally got tired of having her stuff in the danged way. She is sooooooooooooo stubborn...obviously a trait she inherited from my ex husband.

 

[geebs]

If the kid is like mine and has a fixation with a device.. sometimes the only rule is no....not at all... Since they can't control their behavior it may be best to take it away and try agian the next gift giving holiday. This usually bring results.

 

[redhen]

Quote:
well..then she dosent have anything... its HER choice... thats what she needs to learn..
She can either behave and follow your house rules and not be sneaky and have all her stuff.... OR she can try to be sneaky and defiant and have consequences for it...
it would not bother me for one second that my kid was stubborn... not one minute.. honestly.. i can outlast any stubborn kid..

Again... because its HER choice to do the things that shes doing.. and so, she has consequences for HER behavior..
Actually my foster company says the same thing. make them EARN things with good behavior... it sets a good behavior pattern for them to follow as they grow...it teaches them that THEIR behavior directly influences their lives.. it makes THEM responsible..not you ..

Good luck with whatever you decide.. 13 is a fuuuun age!

 

[Mom2Cool]

I vote for # 3 as well & I like the research project as well. I also like the fact that you've stayed really calm but have just given out what has to be etc. I also agree that this is her testing boundries and seeing what she can get away with etc & this is a really difficult age raising children. Kids take SO much of what they live with them into adulthood that at the same time you're giving her limits you're also teaching by example how to deal with diffiuclt things. If she pushes buttons & the adults are flying off the handle then they learn that when people tick us off that's how we behave. Calm control just like you're displaying is really great. You want to steady yourself for the teen years ahead because they are a REAL bumpy ride, but the payout is on the other side of them. It was a son who gave me my name "Mom2Cool" when he was 12 yrs. old & thought I was cool because I listened to the music in my car real loud & then came the magic age of 13 for him & by 14 yrs old he thought of me as anything but Mom2Cool..... It's hard but stick to your guns & when you set that rule keep the rule, if you give a consequence to something *follow through* it's a tough job but worth it.

 

[CityGirlintheCountry]

Quote:
Now she doesn't believe you. She has "won" twice now. Why would she be obedient when she can continue to do exactly as she pleases? It is a crappy age and girls are positively hateful at this age.
Given that she is being openly defiant and that she has twice now continued to be disobedient and defiant for long periods of time, I would say destroy the thing or sell it. Get it out of the house. Destroying it would make more of a visual impact. Just doling it out on occasion lets her to continue her behavior. She knows you will cave eventually. Letting DH smash it to pieces would be pretty impressive and would stick with her. If you give it back to the grandparents they will likely let her have it back again.

So next time when you strip her room, sell everything. Hold a huge garage sale and give the remnants to Goodwill. That way YOU aren't stepping over all of her stuff and she really does have to earn it all back. Literally. Tie her allowance to good behavior perhaps. At 13, you still have about a decade of this left and it is going to get worse before it gets better. If you can't trust her now, what are you going to do when she is 16 and out driving?

I'm sorry she is making you crazy.

A friend with teenage girls has the theory that girls get so hateful at this age so you are grateful when they move out of the house. It helps cut those apron strings.

 

[redhen]

Quote:
Yup..whatever you do..be calm and cool and firm...
no yelling..no nothing like that..
just tell her what is going to happen and thats it... if she starts to argue with you tell her you'll talk to her later when she can calm down..etc..
trust me..it gets to them more if you are calm and cool about things... it makes them think...

 

[adoptedbyachicken]

I agree, 3 and a research project. Keep the gizmo so that it can be a reward to her when she gets it right. I had to take things to work and lock them in my locker to keep them away as needed for a few years. Nothing in the house would work, and the pestering every day to give it back was not worth it. So it was gone and the return date was set or on certain terms my next work day it would come back. Then no pestering happened. 'Don't make me take that to work' became a warning too. LOL

 

[redhen]

Quote:
Now she doesn't believe you. She has "won" twice now. Why would she be obedient when she can continue to do exactly as she pleases? It is a crappy age and girls are positively hateful at this age.
Given that she is being openly defiant and that she has twice now continued to be disobedient and defiant for long periods of time, I would say destroy the thing or sell it. Get it out of the house. Destroying it would make more of a visual impact. Just doling it out on occasion lets her to continue her behavior. She knows you will cave eventually. Letting DH smash it to pieces would be pretty impressive and would stick with her. If you give it back to the grandparents they will likely let her have it back again.

So next time when you strip her room, sell everything. Hold a huge garage sale and give the remnants to Goodwill. That way YOU aren't stepping over all of her stuff and she really does have to earn it all back. Literally. Tie her allowance to good behavior perhaps. At 13, you still have about a decade of this left and it is going to get worse before it gets better. If you can't trust her now, what are you going to do when she is 16 and out driving?

I'm sorry she is making you crazy.

A friend with teenage girls has the theory that girls get so hateful at this age so you are grateful when they move out of the house. It helps cut those apron strings.

yup.. i'd give her a time limit to earn things back... tell her if she dosent earn it back by such and such a date that it will be gone for GOOD.. (i bet she wont be SO stubborn then...muhahahahha!)
she HAS to believe what you tell her...
trust me.. i know this.. my mother ALWAYS gave into me.. always... and i KNEW i'd win eventually...
i am SO not like her with my foster kids.. they really really know that when i say something that i mean it every time...
thats very important.

 

[Sammimom]

I'd send that phone back to Grandma and Grandpa...or take it to work, because if you leave it in the house she'll find it. With my folks you got precisely one warning, then you lost the item, and I mean for months. So far this has worked with my children, but we haven't had to do the phone thing yet (my oldest is only 10).

My friend leads a bible study and one of their students was hit and killed this week walking home...she was listening to her music.