89 year old Grandfather

[kmb221]

Hi Everyone:

My 89 year old grandfather is going down hill quickly. He fell and broke his shoulder the end of March and he fall again yesterday and was laying out int he rain for who knows how long and my grandmother admitted that he has fallen at least two times before that yet.

He has what they call "Sundowner's" he doesn't know whether it's night or day. He gets up in the middle of the night and gets ready for the day. He asks my grandmother "who are you, are you my wife?" He has her nuts, but she will not take him to a doctor because she doesn't want them to take his license away. Well, they should be taken away. I have convinced her that a doctor may be able to help him, so a doctor appointment is in the works.

I told my mother that the keys or the cars need to be taken away because he can't be driving. My grandmother insists he's a good driver in town, he just doesn't know directions. What a hoot. My husband put alarms on the doors to alert my grandmother if Pappy starts to wonder at night and she doesn't hear him.

My mother and her brother seem apprehensive in taking the keys/car away and I don't want to overstep my boundaries, but I guess I may have to. Anyone else out there having to face something like this? Any help would be appreciated.

 

[RHRanch]

You can report him to the DMV and they will send him a notice for a drivers license exam and certification from a doctor that he should be able to keep his license. It is done anonymously, they will not know you did it. You can also call the county senior health services and they will come out, evaluate the situation and help your grandmother to make things safer for your grandfather. Don't bother trying to convince your grandma now, just find out what help you can get for them in other ways, so the choices get made by professionals.

 

[sourland]

A doctor's visit is called for. He is exhibiting classic symptoms of Alzheimers or dementia. I went through this with both of my brothers - in- law. It's a hard thing to do, but for the sake of your grandmother, grandfather, and any innocent bystanders his drivers license probably should be revoked. Your Mom and Uncle need to step up and face the reality of this situation. You have every right to be concerned. There is always the possibility that a doctor's visit may provide a more hopeful prognosis. I wish you the best in this. From a personal basis I know how difficult it is.

 

[kmb221]

I had my grandmother convinced to have Pappy see a doctor, but now she is saying he doesn't need a doctor. It's all because of his dang driver's license. I tried to explain that she needs some peace and she can't continue to be up all night because he is. He comes into her bedroom with a bright flashlight and asks where his wife is or where is everybody. I could go on and on about what goes on there.

My mother went over just a little bit ago to get the car keys. My grandmother refused and said "if you want to kill him, take his keys". Well my mother opted to not take the keys. The man can't even step up or down off a sidewalk, so how in the world is he fit to drive?

When he fell yesterday and laid outside for who knows how long, my grandmother refused to call 911. Again, it's all because of his license. Since she is refusing a doctor's appointment, I may have no alternative but to alert the DMV. Thanks for all your help. My Pappy is someone who always took care of me and someone who I thought would live on forever.

 

[sourland]

Are there any guns in the home? If so, it might be wise to arrange for their removal. Your Mom and Uncle have to step up on this.

 

[sumi]

It's a very worrying situation. Someone should keep and eye on both of them, I think. No disrespect, but old people are often too stubborn to do the right thing.
Why is she so adamant that he keeps his licence?

 

[kmb221]

There are no guns in the house. My mom is only 5 minutes away and I am a couple minutes further. She thinks taking his license away will kill him (emotionally), not thinking that he could end up killing the both of them or someone else with his driving.

Believe me, I know how stubborn they are. They won't ask for help pertaining to anything unless it has something to do with the house, then, they call my husband and insist on paying him no matter what it is.

I have asked my mom if I took charge and took the keys and the car would I be overstepping my boundaries or make her or my uncle made and she said no. So, as Bill Engvall would say, "Here's Your Sign." I guess I'm the one who is going to have to step up to the plate.

I have spent most of my life with my grandparents as my mother was only 16 when she had me, so my ties to my grandparents are pretty tight. Growing up, I never thought they would grow old or anything, but now reality has set in.

 

[SillyChicken]

"if you want to kill him, take his keys". Sorry that's irresponsible, and besides, I know this sounds cold, but he cannot even remember who his wife is... he'll forget he has keys too.

I guess it's better if he really killed someone else,... hey yeah, maybe someone's child..whats it gonna take? It doesn't sound like your grandma is able to make the proper decisions either. Does she drive the car? If not, I would disable the car so keys or not, it won't run. Pull spark plug wires off the car or take the battery out.

 

[Carols Clucks]

Going to sound harsh but....

But Grandpa sounds like he is well in to Alzheimer's and receiving no treatment and that grandma is guilty of elder abuse by not securing his surroundings and safety, failure to treat injuries and using him to provide her transportation. You and your mom could be considered accessories if her failure to treat him causes him serious injury or death because you are aware of the issues and not calling authorities.


What would I do?

I did talk to my mom after nearly killing an elderly lady who made a wrong turn and found herself heading the wrong way on the freeway. Cars were scattering as she drove up the on ramp and made a giant wide u turn across all lanes. I knew I was going to T bone right in to her. I will never forget how that felt, it was someone else's grandma I was going to kill when the front of my car and hood came in her door. Thankfully, I was able to slow the car and swerve enough to miss her.

You and the rest of your family need to stand up and tell grandma that he stops driving today. Take the keys, pull the battery what ever it takes. When mom fusses, remind her dad does not know where he is, that he could kill anyone on the road, it could be you or a favorite child on the block. When she fusses more, ask her to look around her house and yard and remind her all of that will be taken away in court when he does kill some one to satisfy the judgement.

And then tell her the days that you and mom will be available to take her where she needs to go, that you will help her with the shopping etc.

When she still fusses, remind her she is hurting her husband by failing to get medical care for him, ask her if he would have failed to get care for her if she had fallen.

Expect her to be upset and hard headed about the situation, aging is not fun and turning over control when you are used to being in charge is hard. Appeal to her that your worried about her. You can always let the air out of the tires and tell dad the car has flats.

or:

Write down the car plate # and info and share your concerns with the local dmv or if you have a law enforcement friend ask them to report

 

[old06]

I hate to hear that this fine Gentleman is in this stage of life but the quick fix is to make the car where it won't start a person could take off a battery cable or a relay wire and it wont start the new car's have master fuses that can be pulled and put back in when you need to start it