9 year old daughter and boys??? Aaaaahhhhh!!!

[ThatChick]

Yeah so my daughter is going to be 9 this month, she's in the 3rd grade, and I know her friend who is a year younger than her has had a "boyfriend" already. When that whole topic came up she told me that she thinks she is too young for a boyfriend, so that was a relief.

Well, last night at the park there was a boy from her class there and he kept following her around (literally stalking her) and talking to her and stuff. Then his friends were like "Hey, he thinks your hot" and to my relief she just said whatever and walked away. Talking to her about it later she said that he likes her but she doesn't like him but I'm certain that we need to have some more talks now. Even though she said she doesn't like him it is obvious that she liked the attention. She kept finding herself passing by his group of friends and it was really uncomfortable for me to watch, and her dad was steamed about the whole thing.

We haven't talked about this kind of stuff too much, I pretty much try to let this stuff come up naturally but my daughter reminds me a lot of myself at that age. She's very private and it's hard to get her talking about something that she's the slightest embarrassed or unsure of. We had some talks not too long ago when she was curious about some stuff but now I've ordered a book from Amazon that I can look at with her or let her look at on her own (after I screen it first of course) if she's more comfortable.

This whole type of situation is really new to me and I'm just looking for any advice, moral support or anyone with similar stories to tell. I really hoped to wait a bit longer before dealing with this type of girl/boy action.

 

[cassie]

My own great uncle Fred proposed to his beloved when he was six and she was eight. She turned him down. He persisted and after a few weeks she accepted. There was never anyone else for either of them. They were married for over 50 years and raised three children.

 

[Sonoran Silkies]

I would be a whole lot happier with a 9 year old having a boyfriend than a 13 year old. At 9 they are just playing with the words, and it is simply friendship. At 13 it really is the beginning of sexuality and relationships.

Quite frankly, I APPROVED of my kids having lots of friends of all genders--nothing builds respect for and understanding of the opposite gender better than friendships. Parental disapproval factors strongly with young kids, but by the time they are 9, what their peers think is starting to become more important to them than what their parents think. And by 13 peer approval is far more important.

If you continue treating this as a serious threat, it will eventually become one. Treat it as simply a friendship, let her have her privacy of thoughts and it will simply be a stage in growing up. I am not saying to encourage it; I am saying to not discourage it. Be neutral--much like you would be if she made a new friend who is a girl that you don't know.

 

[reveriereptile]

If you're talking about sitting down and telling her about the birds and bees I remember when my mother had the talk with me. I was similar as far as being private about stuff.

I was around the same age as your daughter and I didn't even ask but did have a friend that was a boy even though I didn't want to date him. I did however watch all those History Channel shows with the nude tribes people on it but knew enough that males and females were different but didn't know why. My mother got an old medical book out that had drawings in it. She let me look at the pictures and then told me which one was male and female.

After I looked at the pictures for a bit she then described about how I pee and the male uses his for the same purpose. She wanted to start off light before getting to the harder topic. Using the images really helped out. She then went into the puberty talk and about how my body was going to change and that I would have certain thoughts that I probably didn't think of before. After she got the puberty and period talk out of the way she got to the sex stuff. She described the woman's body first about the woman becomes pregnant and then carries the baby for 9 months while it grows. Next came the hard part but she told me very clearly what each part of the male is used for and how it was used. She did talk about how easy it is to become pregnant and that it was something older people did. She did say that hugging, holding hands, and kissing on the check was alright for my age.

I thought she did a good job especially since that is a tough topic but I was glad she told me. I would rather hear it from her first than hear it from the sex education years down the road. Back then they didn't show the videos or have the talks in school till you were 11.

I wasn't really all that confused by the information but with her doing so did let me know why some boys act the way they do around girls. When I was in 5th grade I got picked on by a boy and didn't know why till I got a secret admirer note left on my chair from recess. He liked me but wasn't sure how to show it or say it and I didn't know what he was doing. I hung out with him more but told him that I didn't want to date since I knew I was going to be going through more changes in my life. I did find him attractive but I thought it through and decided to wait. I did like the attention also since I usually didn't have to many friends due to me being extremely shy.

 

[Bunnylady]

Most boy/girl interactions at this age are very superficial. The guys really prefer to be with the other guys, the girls with the girls; they aren't trying to pair off. Most likely, he thinks she's cute, and that's the end of the story. Yes, she was flattered by the attention, but did she have any girl friends at the park to interact with?

"He likes you" can be the same sort of "weapon" as a bug or frog or anything else that a girl is supposed to squeal and run from. On the playground, it can become the cause of a "war between the sexes", with the boys teasing the girl in question, and the girl's friends "defending" her from their "attacks."

I can't help but be a little uncomfortable with your describing the actions of an 8 or 9-year-old as "stalking." It doesn't sound like she was nearly as bothered by this as you were. In fact, it sounds to me like she has a pretty good handle on the situation. She doesn't think she is old enough for a boyfriend, and she's right. It probably wouldn't hurt to let her know some boundaries (like what you feel is the minimum age for dating!) but I don't think it's time to consider getting a restraining order!

My DD is 11 years old, and in the 5th grade. I have been hearing stories like this from her for a couple of years now. Fortunately, the lines of communication in our house are pretty open, and we have had quite a few discussions on what's appropriate, what's not, and how to handle it. Frankly, she impresses me. Hopefully, your daughter (like mine) has the perspective to understand that a "boyfriend" isn't a possession, and having one isn't a mark of maturity!

 

[HeatherLynn]

I wish I could tell you it gets easier. My daughter is soon to turn 10 and I can't let her even tag along to a scout meeting anymore. Why a 12 year old would be interested in my baby girl I have no idea but i am ready to tie them all to a tree.

We started with the "talk" at 7 and an unfortunate visit to the zoo. I won't go further but it was not a fun talk. Anywho I figured while she was asking questions it would be a good time to ease into it. I don't see " the talk" as a single discussion. Its more of an opening of the discussion floodgates. Floodgates i want to keep open as long as possible. My theory is that I need to get them used to talking to me before they hit the impossible age. Then talking to them is torture and somewhat futile because we are just the old parents who don't get it. I also bought a few books on the whole puberty age thing. She poured through them so I know she had questions she wasn't willing to ask.

 

[Sonoran Silkies]

The 12 year olds are interested because either

1) she looks older than she is, and they think (at least subconsciously) she is the age she looks
2) she does not know how to respond to their teasing, and they think it is a fun game.

Try to role play with her about how she can respond and essentially turn the tables on them. If they don't get a response that is fun for them, they will stop.

The second scenario is a form of bullying, and how serious it is you will have to assess. And while yes, she needs strategies on how to handle it, there may need to be some adult intervention as well.

 

[ThatChick]

My own great uncle Fred proposed to his beloved when he was six and she was eight. She turned him down. He persisted and after a few weeks she accepted. There was never anyone else for either of them. They were married for over 50 years and raised three children.

That is absolutely beautiful!

 

[ThatChick]

Most boy/girl interactions at this age are very superficial. The guys really prefer to be with the other guys, the girls with the girls; they aren't trying to pair off. Most likely, he thinks she's cute, and that's the end of the story. Yes, she was flattered by the attention, but did she have any girl friends at the park to interact with?

"He likes you" can be the same sort of "weapon" as a bug or frog or anything else that a girl is supposed to squeal and run from. On the playground, it can become the cause of a "war between the sexes", with the boys teasing the girl in question, and the girl's friends "defending" her from their "attacks."

I can't help but be a little uncomfortable with your describing the actions of an 8 or 9-year-old as "stalking." It doesn't sound like she was nearly as bothered by this as you were. In fact, it sounds to me like she has a pretty good handle on the situation. She doesn't think she is old enough for a boyfriend, and she's right. It probably wouldn't hurt to let her know some boundaries (like what you feel is the minimum age for dating!) but I don't think it's time to consider getting a restraining order!

My DD is 11 years old, and in the 5th grade. I have been hearing stories like this from her for a couple of years now. Fortunately, the lines of communication in our house are pretty open, and we have had quite a few discussions on what's appropriate, what's not, and how to handle it. Frankly, she impresses me. Hopefully, your daughter (like mine) has the perspective to understand that a "boyfriend" isn't a possession, and having one isn't a mark of maturity!

I definitely get where you're coming from, and I didn't really mean he was stalking her in any kind of menacing way. I just meant that he was quite persistent. She really wasn't playing with him, and didn't really show interest in wanting to play with him. Every time he approached her she just said hi and then walked away. So, I guess that's why I said stalking, not because I thought he was a threat, but because I thought the behavior was interesting. This was the first time I've actually witnessed anything like this and thought it was interesting, slightly amusing, and a scary sign of things to come.

I would be a whole lot happier with a 9 year old having a boyfriend than a 13 year old. At 9 they are just playing with the words, and it is simply friendship. At 13 it really is the beginning of sexuality and relationships.

Quite frankly, I APPROVED of my kids having lots of friends of all genders--nothing builds respect for and understanding of the opposite gender better than friendships. Parental disapproval factors strongly with young kids, but by the time they are 9, what their peers think is starting to become more important to them than what their parents think. And by 13 peer approval is far more important.

If you continue treating this as a serious threat, it will eventually become one. Treat it as simply a friendship, let her have her privacy of thoughts and it will simply be a stage in growing up. I am not saying to encourage it; I am saying to not discourage it. Be neutral--much like you would be if she made a new friend who is a girl that you don't know.

She has friends who are boys, and she doesn't feel weird about it. This was just odd for me because it was more of a boy/girl thing going on than just two kids being friends. Even if I feel very strongly about a subject I try to stay neutral and let my daughter have her opinion that way I know how she feels about something, not just how she thinks I want her to feel.

 

[ThatChick]

Thanks guys for replying... I'm hoping I can get through to her and help her be more comfortable talking to me about this kind of stuff, at least somewhat. I know at her age I didn't want to talk to anyone about anything. She has a younger brother who runs around naked a lot so at least she's somewhat familiar with the male anatomy. I hope I didn't make it seem like I thought this was a criminal case. I just know what I saw and watching your little girl grow up is scary. If it's not scary for all of you, then that's great, but for me it can be amusing and terrifying at the same time. At least it's still innocent... for now