Advice needed.

[Chickengal505]

Hey guys, due to the fact that most people in the situation are minors, no real names (except mine) and no real ages.

Okay so theres this guy, Whose named Dusty (see the rule above ^^^^^^^^^) Dusty and I are close friends. We hang out and mess around. But My friend Gail is involved with his best friend Alex. And Gail thinks that me and Dusty should go together. Thats fine with me, and him, but I'm kind of worried. Dusty is a little older than me I'm within a two year age range, and Dusty has some issues. Now, He was brutaly abused as a young child (I know, I witnessed it) so thats the true root of this problem, but he does drink on occastion, He has done drugs in the past, and he smokes. Now before you judge him please hear me out, Dusty has a heart of solid gold, but he has made some bad choices. I've never seen him high, or drunk, or anything, as he is so careful around me. I know, I KNOW, Dusty would never hurt me. I know. But my family is very... my dad refers to Dusty as the "little delinquent" and such. Dusty gets into fights offten, because he's so protective of his female friends and his little sister. And he gets in fights defending us. So. You can see my delima. Help?

 

[chickened]

If I were you I think I would bless someone else with that treasure. Taking on a relationship at the urging of someone else is not a good idea. Save yourself some drama.

 

[debilorrah]

Usually parent don't like someone for good reason. It's a parents radar. YOU are the one to make a decision who to be in a relationship with not your friends.

 

[nuttyredhead]

Quote:
X 2. Maybe you should stick with just being friends. It sounds like he could use it.

 

[watchdogps]

If he is still a minor and has been through that and is already experimenting with substance abuse (abuse doesnt mean doing it all the time, it means doing it illegally), he is very likely to have BIG problems if he keeps on that path. I would not become romantically involved unless he was actively working on coping with his issues, through therapy of some kind. Therapy need not mean going to a shrink, I know that may be a problem with his family or $$, but there are support groups and such he can go to.
I married someone who was also severely abused and turned to drugs and alcohol. He was 19 when we met, and it wasnt that bad yet...also easy to write stupid behaviors off to young age etc. Well, ten years later I will tell you it has been hell. A few years later, a series of rotten events really sent him spiraling downward. He was drinking every day, not working, not respecting me, not being any kind of husband. I didnt leave because I knew he was sick and I had faith that the person I fell in love with was still there. In the meantime, he screamed at me, destroyed our home (literally, he smashed all the windows out in a rage and we lived with boarded up windows b/c we didnt have the $ to replace them), he was arrested for various things, and so on. Everything fell apart around me as I scrambled to try to keep it together. We lost our house, we lost a lot of friends. We separated, he went to rehab, we got back together, he went back to old ways. We separated, he got sober, and this time he didnt just stop drinking he started working on the issues that were making him drink. It's been two and a half years now, and we still struggle to repair the damage that was done to our marriage. He still has issues, but now he can usually spot them and address them before it becomes a huge problem.
I did not come out unscathed. I now have some PTSD and depression issues, and I still have a lot of problems feeling free to communicate with him (due to his old way of screaming at me if I did anythng he didnt like).
I was NOT, am NOT a weak person. I am one of the most headstrong, forthright human beings you will ever meet, but being abused by the person you love can do devastaing things to you. It may take another ten years for me to heal.
For the record, my husband has never physically abused me, but the emotional and mental abuse is just as bad, if not worse. i will also tell you that substance abuse and abusive behaviors towards other people tend to escalate as time goes on without treatment. I would have said at one time my husband would *never* have hurt me, but I know that the way things were going, physical harm was not far away.

I would try to stay his friend, and help him find help. If you do become more than that, please keep what I said in mind.

 

[cityfolkchicks]

Personally, I believe that people become friends for a reason. People that are strangers become "involved" for a reason. Knowing someone on a friend level, there should be limits and boundaries, friends don't make good lovers. Strangers, once involved for some time become friends but only through learning about each other. Regardless of his past, his use of drugs/alcohol, he still is a person, he still has wants and needs, and he still needs friends. Be his friend, someone he can talk to and trust, someone he can turn to instead of turning to drugs/alcohol. Don't enter a relationship because people tell you to, it never seems to work. Love works both ways, with friends and with lovers, but there's always a chance that if you become lovers and it doesn't work, your friendship will not be the same or may not exist anymore. Think which one of those is more important to the both of you. Best wishes and think about what you want in the long run, not just at this moment.

 

[Rusty Hills Farm]

A family member got involved with a friend like this who had serious problems. With her help he cleaned himself up and they eventually married. For a long time things seemed great. Now, 25 years and 3 kids later, he's a drunk who works 20 hours a week. And he's a NASTY drunk and has several times hit her. Once he physically threw her out of the house. Sadly, she's been with him for such a long time that she cannot see herself without him, so the cycle of abuse continues.

Think long and hard about getting involved with an abuser of anything--drugs, alcohol, people--lest you too wind up with a life of misery and hardship you don't deserve.


Rusty

 

[cassie]

I used to have a wise friend who was a social worker with long experience. She is dead now but she gave me some good advice. She said you cannot fix someone else's problems. They have to do that themselves. She also said you cannot rescue someone who does not want to be rescued. I can tell you from bitter experience she was right. I am a slow learner but I did learn.

 

[sourland]

Continue to be a friend and supporter of Dusty, but do so from a safe distance.

 

[watchdogps]

Quote:
So True!! I mentioned not getting involved unless he was in some kind of counseling. That has to be of his own chooing, not because you ro anyone else required him to go. Forced rehab, counseling etc almost never works. I tried requiring things of my husband and even if he complied, it was only temporary.