Am I wrong to be hurt/mad?

[willowcol]

Ok I will try to make this rant as short as possible. When my oldest daughter was 15 she went and stayed a month with her father in MD and came home pregnant (I was very upset). So first Grandson is born and we pay for everything and I keep him while she finishes school (early straight A's Yeah!) So as soon as she graduates she moves back to MD and the babies Dad (who never sent money in over 2 yrs). She start college and I am proud then we get the call, grandson #2 is coming (I was very upset about this). She has to quit school as she is on bedrest, 2 months early we have a new baby. 3 weeks later they show up at my door, all 4 of them. They stay here until he finds a job, we pay for everything. After 2 1/2 months he get a job so we let them move into our house in town. Electric and everything is in our name but they are paying bills, and giving us $350.00 A month. A few weeks back I was so happy, he got a call from his job (he has worked there now for a little over a year through a temp agency) they are hiring him on permenant, Yeah! That means raise, Ins., and vacation time. Well tonight I get a call he can't go back to work til tuesday, why you ask? He failed his drug test! The sent it to another lab and the new tests will be back tuesday. They say those results will determine if he is fired or if he can go back to work. He knew he was taking the test, I just paid off his bank account 2 weeks ago becasue it was overdrawn and he has money to buy drugs? Could the test be wrong? Am I wrong to be very mad, upset, disappointed, and let down? What should I do, do I have a right to do anything or is it none of my business. I am so confused.

 

[Bammony]

So sorry for what you've been having to go through. Yes, you have every right to be mad and upset.

 

[william9792]

i have been where you are and you do have the right TO BE VERY MAD, TO BE VERY MAD, TO BE VERY MAD. what me and my wife have done and will keep doing, is to tell them that do not come to us for money but if the kids need something to eat or a place to stay for them to bring them home to us and we will see that they get what they need, but until they grow up and act like adluts not to bring there money probs to us for we work to hard to just give it away like that (drugs) and i told them that if i found out it was happening in front of my grankids that they would have blank---- to pay. we call this tough love. and we have had five of our kids put us though what you are going though and this is what worked for us. when we put the brakes on our $ they growed up. at first we felt bad and did not see three of our grandkids for two years and it tore my heart out like you don't know, but the line has to be drawed some where. sorry to here but know i pray it will get beter and they may do beter. william

 

[willowcol]

Thanks that what I was thinking, I kind of said that in a round about way. I told her if those were the choices they were going to make it would probably be better if they went back to MD so I didn't have to know about it. It will hurt me to not see my grandkids that often, but knowing they deserve 2 decent parents who put them first, and are not getting that hurts me more. I will never understand how people can risk everything they have for something so stupid. I can't and won't support them if he loses his job, we have 2 younger chldren at home 11 and 14. They can't go without for us to bail them out yet again because of choices they made. (My heart is saying she is my baby and I have to jump in and fix this but I know if I do it will just keep happening)

 

[william9792]

you are very right, you have to stick to your guns and don't let them play with your heart for they will try if he loses his job. make them grow up but make it known that your grandkids will not do without, for they can just bring them home to you and be on there mary way, if that is what it takes. we had to take our oldest grandchild from her mother because she just could not get it together ( and she has now) but the grandchild says it took her mom to long to get it together and still lives with us, been six years now and she has one more year of school to go. it will be fine in time,but it is a hard road I know. william

 

[ozark hen]

When one of our daughters moved back home several years ago we were happy to help out...but only with a place to stay as long as they work. We have always told them they will have food and roof over their heads here if they work. when she quit work one day and sat around the house for weeks (weeks= was our fault for allowing it)I finally had to use "tuff love" and say if you don't have a job by next Monday you have to move out. Now my heart was breaking as she was my baby!! but (early twenties). so she got mad and moved right out!! she then managed to get a job and went back to school on her own and today is a nurse and happily married. she has also apologized to us for behaving like that. so now many years later we had a 44 year old pull the same thing..ended up having to do the same thing to her. do you know she moved right out (got mad of course)and immediately found a job and is now back in college?? Do not be an enabler!! They will not respect you and the more you give the more they will take and not appreciate all you have worked so hard for. It will hurt your heart but in the long run they will grow up.

and prayers to you.

 

[debilorrah]

I say wait until the test comes back and THEN make a decision. There are a lot of false positives in drug tests......

 

[HennysMom]

Hmm.. guess I wont be very popular with what I'm going to tell you but since you asked....I"ll share my opinion.

your daughter is no longer a child - she's what - 18 now? Boyfriend/baby daddy isnt a child... time to grow up and move out on their own. If they're old enough to make children - then they'd better be old enough to take care of said children - ENTIRELY and RESPONSIBLY, period. I can understand if they needed help once in a while with formula, diapers, baby food or child care - but excuse me - you said you also have minors at home, correct? So when is it a parents job to raise their children's children and support their "adult children and boyfriend/husband/baby-daddy?"

No excuses, period. You can choose to continue or you can get yourself out of this situation. All you're doing is enabling them to not want to take responsibility for thier own actions - you're making it very easy. Tears are powerful from your children absolutely -but...there are Agencies out there that will help them find housing in exchange for Volunteering and staying clean and sober - some even provide transportation to and from jobs so long as they pass drug tests. There is no excuse for allowing this behavior - none.

I've told my 18 yo DD if she ever got pregnant (and she's getting ready to head off to college this year) in no uncertain terms that if she's old enough to lay down with a guy she'd better be old enough to be prepared to take care of a baby and raise it because her father and I will not. I had my DD at 21 - and while on occassion if I needed help with diapers or formula my parents helped me or helped watch my child - they most certainly did not raise her - she was our responsibility. Were we ready for a baby at 21 and 25? Nope - but we were old enough *and married* to have sex so we were old enough to know it can and does happen even on birth control. Guess what? It did... and I wouldnt change it for anything even if we werent ready back then - we made a choice.

Your DD was 15 - yes kids make mistakes - thats understandable - however...to turn around and show up again with baby #2 ...well..... hmmmm - and a boyfriend who 1. chooses drugs over taking care of his responsibilities and 2. doesnt support the first child for over 2 years? Oh..thats real mature now isnt it?

Time for some tough love I'm afraid....

ETA: I dont mean to sound harsh - I'm not a harsh person by any means. It just burns my tail that BOYS will make babies and not take care of them and that kids are having kids yet expecting their parents to raise them and take care of not only the child they laid down and created but then take care of THEM too! Again - where is this sense of entitlement in today's kids coming from? I just dont get it.... *puzzled*

You're a good mom and grandmother sweetie... dont think I was saying you werent... you ARE - absolutely!

 

[PineBurrowPeeps]

I just wanted to tell you that I think you've been a great supportive Mom. I had my first child one month after I turned 16 and I just wish my own family had been as supportive of me as you have been of your own daughter and grandchildren. My parents hardly know my children.
Thankfully my husbands family is amazing or I would be such a lost person.

But yes, I feel that you have every right to be hurt and angry. I sure hope it comes out that it was a false positive.

Thanks for making me feel like a very lucky woman to have such a great husband... Considering how young I was entering motherhood I got so incredibly lucky to have such an awesome guy who has always worked his butt off and stuck by us. I know all too well that it doesn't always end that way with young mothers/families.

 

[Godsgrl]

I would wait for the results of the drug test to decide if I need to get furious. Did you know something as simple as a cheeseburger can cause a positive result? Yep, sesame seeds will do it. If he is indeed positive for something, the I'd kick him out. Good luck and God bless.