Any other childless chicken moms out there?

[buckbeak]

There is a LOT of wisdom in this thread. I want to put in my 2 cents.

First, as a mom of 4, I think it is selfish to have kids, not to choose to be childfree. We choose to have kids to pass on our values, genetic makeup, etc. We need to make these choices carefully.

I applaud all the people who choose to remain childfree, regardless of their reasoning. I think to be/have an unwanted child is the saddest thing ever.

I also think if you want children but have trouble doing it biologically, there are several hunderd thousand kids sitting in foster care awaiting adoption. It is not an easy choice and if you choose to adopt, I'd suggest you start family therapy immediately-for starters just to learn to be a family and adjust, then after that to deal with issues, because no one in foster care comes without issues.

After some years( and lots of cash)spent on infertility treaments, my husband & I decided to adopt a sibling group. If we hadn't, they would have been split up & sent to separate homes. We have spent the past 6 years as their parents, sharing many experiences, positive and negative.

I don't understand why some people put pressure on others to have kids. It makes no sense to me whatsoever and I think it reflects a lack of thinking on their part.

On a somewhat less serious note, my oldest daughter said a few years ago that she wanted to be a "young mom." This sent me into a state of panic. I was preparing for a child development course I teach & the textbook company sent a DVD, which included several childbirth segments. I popped that in & showed it to her. The "young mother" idea went away fast!!

Sorry so long!

 

[Dawn419]

42 and child free here!

I had 2 young stepdaughters back in the late 80's and it was more than enough "child rearing" for me. I think I knew back in my teens that I didn't want to have children and those 2 girls just put the "icing on the cake", if you will.

I have a neice and 2 nephews...that close enough for me. The people that we know, that have children would probably be better off without them. It kills me whenever DH comes home from work and says "So & So's wife is preggers again"...these are younger couples who "put a bun in the oven" after the last bun just came out of the oven. These same couples then complain about not getting anywhere financially...HELLO???
This is going to sound harsh to some of you but the only time I wish I had kids is when it comes to the housework...

Dawn

 

[Agilityscots]

You know, I've never liked the label "childfree." It just doesn't sit right with me. I know it connotes a purposeful choice (as compared to someone who is trying and unable to have children), but I think that every choice in life comes with benefits and losses. I realize that, as much as I love my life and consider child-rearing to be a burden I don't want to participate in, there is a certain amount of loss that comes with my choice. I will never hold my own child for the first time, never help my child take its first step, go away to school or read a bedtime story. As much as I know I'm winning in my decision to not have children, there is still *some* loss. So I choose to use the term childless for myself.

On that same note, I love my life. It's nothing spectacular, but it's all MINE. I feel very free (oh, the irony of using that word!) now that I've made the decision not to have kids. I love sleeping in each morning (I work afternoons and evenings), having enough money for my many hobbies, taking off at a moment's notice, writing in my journal uninterrupted for as long as I want...the list goes on. Next year, DH and I are planning to visit Italy, our first trip out of the country, as a present to me for graduating from college. I feel blessed and fortunate to be able to fill my life with animals, hobbies and memories that I love and want.

Amy

 

[silkiechicken]

This is a very interesting thread. Right now in my life I am too young to have kids. Not too young physically but mentally and situationally. Finishing up college and am still a child at heart. Everything is about me and what I want. I could take care of tons of animals but not a human one. I can't lock one of those up for the night or just fill their feeders and let them out in the morning. I just want to go out and have fun, take drives out away from the city, go to the store, downtown, mill about lab for 16 hours straight... with no worries other than, did someone close the chicken coop like I told them to. I suppose I could be ready to have a kid when I don't say things like "dad, I used the card for gas", "mom, I'm hungry", "dad, my car needs new tires, "mom, where's the laundry", "dad, tuition is due"... I am far from being a child so in no way would I be able to raise them. I don't think children can raise children in the best situations. I think they need to grow up first.

I guess culturally I would end up having a kid whenever I get married but then I always wondered, what about all this education I got? I plan to go on in school and at least get a masters if not a PhD during graduate school. So if that is the case, I'll be at least 27 when I graduate if I go though the program quickly? So then what do I do? Well, normally I'd get a post doc since that's what you do, so I'll be in my 30's and what do I know... school. I'll still be a kid... Then even if I do grow up, get married, and maybe get that job fitting my education, how would I have time for a kid? Work all day and pay someone else to raise it? Why even have it then?

My parents had my brother and I relatively late in life. They got married within two years of my mom making it out of china after trying to do so for 14 years. They had me the year after they were married. My dad as 44 and my mom was 36. They had my brother two years later. My dad is lucky to have a job he loves and is one of the older employee's there, he'll probably be part of the 40 year club before he retires... and then go back because he is one of the last engineers that can support the technology that has been made... I bet if it wasn't for my brother and I, he would have done the early retirement thing when the company was bought over a few years back by a larger one and was no longer a family run.

The advantage of having kids older as I see it, is that you can provide for them better than if you were young. I have a college fund and want to be sure my kids have that too. I work in research during school because I want to, not because I have to. But the disadvantage is that you are old while you're kids are still kids. I've been mistaken as a grand daughter on a few occasions! I don't know if I want to spend so much of my time taking care of running terrors like myself. Maybe some day that will change but I don't know if I can raise kids very well if I want to work too. Today's word doesn't seem conductive to the dual world of being a mom and working to support living. Oh well. I've got tons of time to think about it. Things work out.

 

[ratlummountain]

i am a proud card-carrying member of the "childless by choice" club.

i very clearly remember playing barbie dolls with my older sister one day when i was very young, probably 5 or so. she was talking about all the kids she wanted to have someday and i KNEW even then that i never wanted to have kids.
the way i see it, all these little girls wandering the planet all seem to know they want kids so badly when they grow up. i knew at the same age/time that i never wanted kids.

the abuse came later in life, i was probably 7 or 8 when my parents started mental & physical abuse. that just cemented the fact that i never wanted kids. to this day i have one helluva temper and i would never dare subject an innocent child to it.

i'm 31 now and last year my obgyn finally allowed me to have the tubal ligation surgery. so now when people ask me why i don't have kids i just reply that i can't and it nips that conversation in the bud. before i would get the same treatment of "you're being selfish" or "you'll change your mind someday"

whenever a friend approaches me and says they're pregnant my first reaction is "man, i'm SO sorry! that's just awful! you poor thing!" of course i don't say that to them, i tell them that's great and congrats ...
and i think to myself, well ~ another one bites the dust. all my friends seem to disappear after they have kids. i still call and invite them over all the time & try and maintain a friendship with them, but it slowly just dissolves.
seems we no longer have the same interests because now their lives revolve around their kids.

another sister admitted a few years ago that she wishes she never had kids. she had them because that's just what you're supposed to do. she has 4 kids and while she loves them she's fascinated by my life.

another strong reason i chose not to have kids is because my husband is 35 going on 15 and an alcoholic. it's ironic that my mother in law thinks i'm a horrible and selfish person for denying her her grandchildren; when the times i need my husband the most he's out getting drunk with his buddies.

 

[newchickowner]

The comments of "you'll change your mind" or "it's different if you have your own" and asking all the time "why don't you have children" or "when are you going to have children" come from hundreds of years where women were suppose to reproduce and that was pretty much all her purpose on the planet. This is the new millenium though and it's taking a long, long time for society to change it's way of thinking.

Again, I so ADMIRE those who think things through and don't have them if they feel it isn't right for them!!!

 

[Agilityscots]

Quote:
Amen to that, sister. Just a hundred years ago women weren't supposed to be educated because thinking "ruined" their reproductive organs (Teddy Roosevelt actually said this...I need to find that quote somewhere). I am SO glad that I live in this day and age, when I can make my own choices.

Amy

 

[newchickowner]

I am SO glad that I live in this day and age, when I can make my own choices.

Amy

AMEN!!!!!!!!!​

 

[Buff Hooligans]

I feel exactly the same way as Ratlummountain when someone announces they're pregant: it happened just a few months ago, and it was so unexpected (years ago she said she didn't want kids), I almost DID say, "oh no!". And then I thought, like Ratlummountain, "well another one bites the dust!!!"

As a matter of fact, that morning, I was excitedly showing my co-workers pictures of my new chicks, and my friend walked in and said she had a picture to show us too. I thought it would be of her pets, but there was the ol' ultrasound photo. With everybody oohing and ahhing and swooning, I sure felt like an idiot with my chick pics.

I agree with Ratlummoutain about friends deciding to have kids, then the friendship dies because they are absolutely immersed in their reproduction and there's no return. I've learned to not even try to maintain a friendship, just bid them luck in their new life.

 

[Agilityscots]

Quote:
Aw Buff, I feel for you.

I know how it feels because I've been there. You're left feeling silly and sort of loser-ish. But just think, you'll never have to pay for your chicks to go to college.

I remember when my BIL and his wife announced to us that they were pregnant. I had been in school for just over a year at that time and I was exhausted and beaten down from working full-time and going to school full-time. My DH and I decided to have his family over for dinner so they could see all the work we'd done on our house; we hadn't had them over since I had started school a year and a half before. We were both really looking forward to our night with his family.

Just as the evening is getting started, my SIL makes the announcement that they're pregnant by giving us an ultrasound picture of what I swear was a gray bean. DH and I slipped into the kitchen and chugged chardonnay with a vengeance. While everyone was oohing and aahing and congratulating, I felt irritated and one-upped, mostly because these two do everything spur of the moment and impulsively. So the entire night that was supposed to be our chance to host my DH's family turned into a monologue on pregnancy, cravings, what my SIL was allowed to eat and not allowed to eat, blah blah blah. The baby is now 9 months old and this crap still continues. *sigh* I get to hear all about his farts, his poop, his burps and how he pees on his mother and the daycare staff. Ugh.

Amy