Anybody have any experience with adoption and/or children being a little behind? Share your stories

[EmtheFishLady]

We adopted a 7 month old baby boy in 2014. He is now 2, and still is not talking much. He's starting speech therapy on Monday, but I was wondering, are there any other parents out there that have experience with this? I'd love to chat with you if so. Our son had sort of a rough start in life, and I equate his being behind to that. I never realized just how important that first year of life is, but it is super important! He had a few behavioral problems and issues too, but I think we have mostly worked through that. I was basically looking for your stories, experiences, etc. So any support, suggestions, stories, etc are welcome! I'll link to Connor's story below.


http://mississippifarmboy.wordpress.com/2015/05/10/throw-away-boy/

 

[wallaroo]

I wanna jump in here because I am an adult adoptee, and have contact with hundreds, if not thousands of other adoptees (mostly from Korea and Asia, as our experiences are connected).
It's okay for him to be "a little behind". Maybe it's because of early life issues, maybe it's just because every body and mind are different. The methods that schools use to measure things are really flawed and completely biased. There are so many ways of having and expressing intelligence.
That said, there will be issues. It's a really hard journey. I was a child who hid my pain and internalized all of the difference I felt. Certainly all of this was magnified by being a transracial adoptee. But from outward appearances I was a happy kid. I was also an anorexic teenager, suicidal through middle and high school, spent 7 years in an abusive relationship because I thought I was unlovable. I know others with experiences that range - but there is universally a struggle to know and love ourselves. It's a pain that haunts you - I don't know if I can even pinpoint what it is exactly. Some call it the "primal wound". There is also a lot to attachment theory that applies - when you don't get the love, or the love is mixed with pain or fear, or there is no stability, etc. But in this case, I think language and theory all fail. It's just traumatic. Abandonment is haunting. And no matter how young you are when it happens (I was an infant)...it can be a life-long issue.
I guess my point is...tread carefully. Don't force him to fit some ideal of "normal". "Normal" no longer applies. While working on his speech, encourage other forms of expression. Nurture his whole self, his whole spirit. Don't ever let him feel like he is failing your or letting you down or like you wish he would be like other kids. Don't let him feel like he's different because his mother abandoned him, but also acknowledge that he IS different because his mom abandoned him (does that make sense?). Let him have whatever feelings he has. Know that there is a lot he will hold back. Give him safe ways to express and explore those feelings. Connect him with other adoptees - particularly adult adoptees, not just things run by adoptive parents. Often, adoptees, we feel like we have to be perfect, like we have to over perform, over achieve, show no flaws - because we are afraid of being abandoned again. But at the same time, everyone tells us that we are no different. So all of those unpleasant, hard feelings we are having feel like personal flaws. I grew up with a lot of "well my mom tells me that i'm no different but i feel this way so it must be something wrong with me". Meeting other adoptees and having those feelings validated was life changing, if not life saving.
Anyway, I hope this isn't uncalled for. I just wanted to jump in and share from my (very different but also connected) experience.

 

[sourland]

Em, I love Terry and you.

Tell him I said, HI!

I think that you know that my son and DIL adopted two little girls from China. The first had spent her entire life in a orphanage and was 10 months old when they got her. She initially showed absolutely no emotion, no evidence of pain if she fell, and was non verbal. I vividly remember the day we were visiting and she came over to the Princess, patted her leg and said, ":Happy!" She then looked at me, came over, hugged my leg and said, "Happy, Pa." That was when I knew she would be okay. The second girl had been in a foster home and knew what 'love' was. Her transition into our lives and development was more 'on schedule'. I understand fully when Terry says that love is not genetic. Jenny and Catherine were 'ours' from the moment we saw their pictures.

It's been a while since I have read anything that Terry has written. I almost forgot how beautifully he strings words together. He invests himself in his writings. Connor is going to be fine. He's beautiful too.

 

[EmtheFishLady]

He's been doing much better behavior wise.We are blessed enough to get to spend our days together, so he's making leaps and bounds in that regard. Speech is slow, but we have been making some progress. I mostly want him in therapy so we can be sure he gets caught up before he starts school.
He plays the "Momma, momma, momma" game already, and drives me up the wall!

I rarely think about how we got him, because he's just my son. I always say "God saw a baby who needed a mommy, and a mommy who needed a baby."

 

[EmtheFishLady]

Terry is the best husband ever. What man would just roll with it when you call to say you're bringing home a 7 month old baby? Not many.

The mother doesn't shock me as much as the father and BOTH sets of grandparents not wanting him. This was a child who'd been in their lives for 7 months. A baby. And none of them even bothered to contact me at all. Their grandchild was left with a total stranger, and they didn't even care enough to check on him. I'm actually forever grateful to his birth mother. She gave me an incredible gift. My first son. I wanted another baby from the time my daughter was 6 months old. It just wasn't happening. I truly believe God brought us together.

 

[EmtheFishLady]

I wanna jump in here because I am an adult adoptee, and have contact with hundreds, if not thousands of other adoptees (mostly from Korea and Asia, as our experiences are connected).
It's okay for him to be "a little behind". Maybe it's because of early life issues, maybe it's just because every body and mind are different. The methods that schools use to measure things are really flawed and completely biased. There are so many ways of having and expressing intelligence.
That said, there will be issues. It's a really hard journey. I was a child who hid my pain and internalized all of the difference I felt. Certainly all of this was magnified by being a transracial adoptee. But from outward appearances I was a happy kid. I was also an anorexic teenager, suicidal through middle and high school, spent 7 years in an abusive relationship because I thought I was unlovable. I know others with experiences that range - but there is universally a struggle to know and love ourselves. It's a pain that haunts you - I don't know if I can even pinpoint what it is exactly. Some call it the "primal wound". There is also a lot to attachment theory that applies - when you don't get the love, or the love is mixed with pain or fear, or there is no stability, etc. But in this case, I think language and theory all fail. It's just traumatic. Abandonment is haunting. And no matter how young you are when it happens (I was an infant)...it can be a life-long issue.
I guess my point is...tread carefully. Don't force him to fit some ideal of "normal". "Normal" no longer applies. While working on his speech, encourage other forms of expression. Nurture his whole self, his whole spirit. Don't ever let him feel like he is failing your or letting you down or like you wish he would be like other kids. Don't let him feel like he's different because his mother abandoned him, but also acknowledge that he IS different because his mom abandoned him (does that make sense?). Let him have whatever feelings he has. Know that there is a lot he will hold back. Give him safe ways to express and explore those feelings. Connect him with other adoptees - particularly adult adoptees, not just things run by adoptive parents. Often, adoptees, we feel like we have to be perfect, like we have to over perform, over achieve, show no flaws - because we are afraid of being abandoned again. But at the same time, everyone tells us that we are no different. So all of those unpleasant, hard feelings we are having feel like personal flaws. I grew up with a lot of "well my mom tells me that i'm no different but i feel this way so it must be something wrong with me". Meeting other adoptees and having those feelings validated was life changing, if not life saving.
Anyway, I hope this isn't uncalled for. I just wanted to jump in and share from my (very different but also connected) experience.

This is the kind of thing I was looking for. I expected issues, but it is nice to hear that they are shared. It helps me worry less if I can reassure myself that this is something others cope with also, and something he can overcome.

I know exactly what you mean by him being different but not. He isn't any different than our other children, but he is special.

I don't know too many people who would do that. What good people you are.

And yes, I didn't even think about the rest of the family! No way would MY family let a member be given away.
How creepy. BUT has a nice family now. Love makes a family, not blood ties.

I've never really been a kid person, (never married, no kids) but your story made my day.
And I'm glad Social Services used common sense, and didn't shove him in a foster home.
I think in NYS, they would have.

I would like to think that everyone would do exactly what we did when faced with this situation. If they wouldn't, it is their loss by missing out on such a perfect, innocent love.


DCF is absolutely useless. If they had any common sense, the baby wouldn't have been there for 7 months.

 

[wallaroo]

Thank you for sharing your story. I'm so sorry you went through all that.
I really cringe seeing celebrities adopting children from countries in Africa and Asia.
It's as if they're "collecting" the latest accessory.
(I loath our whole celebrity culture to start with, and this whole thing that they're saving them?
Sits wrong with me for some reason.

I don't know. Maybe the parents wanted to keep them, but were forced by circumstances into giving them up?

oh don't even get me started on the international adoption industry and celebrities! it's so shameful. and the stories i could tell you too! but i won't threadjack.

 

[Miss Biddy]

I can't remember who said but it really resonated with me:
"It's never too late to have a happy childhood."

Connor is well on his way to healing. He's not unloveable, his first family is the one with the problem.
Wallaroo, you can still have that happy childhood too!
The human spirit is as vast as our universe.

Off topic somewhat, but a really good book on what happens when women were forced into giving up their babies (in the 1950s-60's is
The Girls Who Went Away by Ann Fessler, who was given up at birth.

Thank goodness Connors birth mother gave him up. She did the best thing possible for him.

Please forgive the semi threadjack.

Edited to add: I just reread Connors story, and was struck by how happy he looked that first night with you all.
Like he knew and was thinking "Hey! These are good people, and I'm so happy to be here with them!"

Your husband is a fine writer too.

 

[wallaroo]

Oh no, I'm sorry. Please I didn't mean to offend. I maybe projecting a bit, healing from my own childhood.
Please accept my humble apology

No worries. I understood that you meant well but it landed wrong with me. I think it's important to be generous with folks wherever they are at in their process. If I wasn't at a happy place in my life, it wouldn't be a personal failing, y'know? Wherever we are at, it's okay. And wherever we are at, we've worked hard to get there. Even if we are just surviving, that's hard work too. It all deserves acknowledgement and celebration.

 

[donrae]

Em, I can't help you at all with Connor's issues, but I just read his story and I'm bawling like a baby! Bless you two for taking this baby in and making him yours. The comments of birth mother saying he made her skin crawl are so, so disturbing. I'm thankful she picked you all to leave him with, I'm sure other much worse thoughts went through her poor brain during his brief time with her. Praying you get a good therapist, and a year from now you're wishing he would just shut up for a minute