blended families

[dichotomymom]

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It's not that it's not typical behavior of someone that's tired, it's that he's only there 4 days of the month so having him try to adjust his behavior while our son is there would be ideal. He is not a particularly loving man (as in demonstrative) so if he's getting tired cranky attention on top of not getting a lot of demonstrative affection, that's not a good thing.

 

[Sonoran Silkies]

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This being the case (no mistreatment), your son needs to spend time with his father. You would not be going behind your son's back to suggest to his dad that perhaps your son is going through the difficult transition to a new baby that many children go through. That whenever there is a new family member, regardless of how wanted and loved that new person is, all the relationships go through stress as new relationships are defined and old ones are re-arranged. You can suggest that your ex think about this and come up with some ways to talk to your son and try to find a way to make visitation less traumatic or unpleasant for your son. One suggestion might be more frequent, but shorter visits (same amount of time, but spread out differently). Or perhaps some father son "dates" where they can spend time alone with each other. Your son does need time and opportunity to forge a relationship with his new sibling and step-mom, so changes should not make all contact into a father-son event.

You also need to be firm with your son that he is expected to spend time with his dad and that portion of his family--make sure to express that step-mom and baby are a part of your son's family--not dad's "other" family. Let him know that you will happily bring over something he needs or forgot, but that you will not pick him up early unless he is seriously-doctor-appointment-required ill or a similar emergency.

If you and your ex don't get on the same page with regards to your son, he will learn, and begin to push manipulation buttons--not a good thing for a child to be doing.

 

[Sonoran Silkies]

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As his parents, it's yours and your ex-'s job to discuss your child periodically as needed. Just becasue you are no longer together doesn't mean that you don't discuss all the various things that parents need to talk about in regards to their children. If your son asks, why you are talking about him, the answer is that that is what parents do--it's part of the job description.

 

[PineappleMama]

I agree with the others... his needs are your #1 priority.

If he is getting sick, or (possibly worse) making himself sick in reaction to what's going on then it needs to stop.

1 Because it's not healthy physically.
2 It's not healthy emotionally. If he gets into the habit, who's to say he might not start using the same illness to avoid school or other things.

His well being should be Dad's concern. If it's not then maybe he doesn't need to be going over there until Dad does give a fig.

But, no way to know Dad's thoughts unless you bring it out. He mentioned the thought he was faking, he opened that box, not you. So, maybe agree with him and talk it out. I know perfectly well how babies can be, but that doesn't mean your other child should suffer.

 

[the Pollo Loco]

hey maybe you could use this time that he is not with his father to bond with you, let him know that mom will always be there!!! cause I know you will.

 

[dichotomymom]

Thank you Pollo Loco Yes, definitely some extra one on one is in order!

 

[redhen]

Well..has there been any other signs of this over the years..or has your EX generally been a good responsible father? If this hasnt been a problem in the past i'd stay out of it... he needs to have his own relationship with his father..
unless you suspect any abuse or neglect...then..
but i WOULD maybe have some little talks about feelings with my son...about how a new baby can be stressful for EVERYONE....including even him... but that his dad still really really loves him so much...etc... etc.. (you get my drift..)
also..how would you feel if you were in dads shoes? I bet he is hurt that his son is kind of pushing him away...
i would not be picking him up at his fathers if he calls sick...
dad should be able to take care of your son if he has a belly ache??
Your son needs his father..and that entails the good along with the bad...just like in your own household... good luck!

 

[dichotomymom]

Redhen, yes, he definitely needs to care for him when he's there (even if he's sick). I had him come home only after asking his Dad if that was alright (I definitely want to foster all the things that they would be if we all still lived together). I just got off the phone with him and feel good about things right now. I think he was in Man mode (no offense to the men out there) and wasn't seeing how much different he has been due to stress levels and how that would impact our son. I think they'll be fine as long as he doesn't try to pass the emotional buck onto me when the going gets tough.

 

[redhen]

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good! i think things will be okay..