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I love it! All I can suggest is that you may want to use shorter sentances to create more tension for the reader? And you are going to introduce who the character is right? But other than that its perfect to me!
You left us nicley on a cliff hanger too.
Thank you! I do have a rather bat habit of making super long sentences.
Thank you!
Long sentences, and run-ons (not saying you had any of those, though) get rid of the ominous effect that you're trying to create. Try to just add a few shorter ones in there for variety, keeping most of the long ones still in there.
Also, try adding some 'pretty' words in there, for lack of a better term. Long, or unusual words are always fun.
I see that you have the word 'raised' twice in there; "He raised his eyebrows..." "...She blinked, suprised, before raising her brow." Something that you'll want to avoid in the future is overuse of one word, especially in the same paragraph. Perhaps try replacing one of those with, "She blinked, suprised, before
cocking a brow and eyeing him suspiciously." A reader will become bored with the story if you don't have variety.
Understand that I'm not condemning your story, because you really did write it well! You were great at establishing the mood. I'm just handing out some tips.
Thank you for sharing it, that was fun to read.
