Calling Ms. Manners....

[cassie]

I have a simple and immediate response to a lack of a "thank you". That person is immediately crossed off my gift list. However, I don't mention it if they don't, though.

 

[math ace]

I debated with myself for a while before I responded so HERE GOES .. . . .

I have two children - - twins. When they receive a gift (check or cash) I will literally tell them that they can not have it until they write their thank you notes. They are 13 years old. My Dd will go promptly to her room and write the thank you. My Ds will not. It is torture for him to do it. . . . . and he is ok not getting the gift if it requires a thank you.

Clearly, the motivation is different for these two children. For Ds, the card and the thought is enough for him. For Dd, she wants the gift too and is willing to put out the extra effort for it.

If Ds never received another gift - - - just a card - - he would be ok with it.

I do think a gift should be given without expectation of anything from the recipent . . . Thank you's are nice, but if the recipent doesn't send one it doesn't matter to me. . . . I sent the gift because I wanted to and requiring a thank you kinda makes it a conditional gift . . . . I give unconditionally or I don't give . . .

Just my 2 cents. I do teach my children to send them, but I do understand if I don't receive any thank yous for the gifts I send . . ..

 

[Raiquee]

Quote:
If the giver is there when the gift is given then I dont do a thank you, but we live far away from our families so most gifts are exchanged by mail which gets a phone call or a note.

I hate to think that basic manners such as thank yous, door holding etc are changing....

Oh sorry, then I misunderstood. Yes, if I had mailed something I'd at least want a phone call to know they got it!! I save formal written thank you cards for formal events (like weddings) but for family stuff I don't.

It is very sad to think these basic manners are changing, but I think they are. I've held doors for people countless times, and had people see me following them and not even try to "push" the door open a bit more so I can catch it. Sheesh! Some people. I try to be polite as possible, but it's a real downer in a rude world

 

[Camelot Farms]

I think my frustration is two fold.

1) These people are family. I know how they were raised. LOL. My grandmother is the 'Queen of Ettiquette'

2) The gift itself. While mulling it over, I think that I am looking more for an acknowledgement of Grandpa than of the gift itself.
I miss him every day. Some days I just barely get through it. If I had sent socks or candles I would have just shrugged it off.

But I still think thank you's are important in general

 

[WriterofWords]

Dear Sad in Va,

Miss Manners suggests you give the darling recipients of your lovely gifts 30 days to respond politely. After this time she suggests that you contact the darlings in such a manner as to exude concern for the lack of receipt of your well meant and well thought out gifts. In this day of instant communications one would think that a simple text message expressing their delight at receiving such gifts would be imminent upon opening the package; but to be reasonable 30 days would be a good limit to expect a well thought out and nicely hand-written thank you note.
Miss Manners suggests starting the conversation off thus: "My Dear I am so sorry you did not receive the gift I sent you! I wanted to contact you and let you know that I did send you a personally made gift but it obviously got lost in the mail as I did not hear from you concerning it's receipt. I think in future years a nice card might be the way to go so as not to lose anymore gifts in the unreliable postal system."
Miss Manners believes that the message would be clear and easily understood.

Yours in grace, Miss Manners

 

[Camelot Farms]

Quote:

Perfect.

 

[onthespot]

I'm glad you posted that upon reflection, your upset is more about your own greiving of your loss than the slighting by your family. It speaks volumes of your love for your grandfather that you would painstakingly make those necklaces for your extended family in his honor.

I'm afrad that Thank You has gone the way of "I'm Sorry, Please, and I Love You." A few weeks ago a friend of mine was unloading to me what a (fill in the blank) her husband had become over the past twelve years. I told her that I see such a lack of respect and caring in her home that I'd be surprised if they were together in a year from now, even with two small kids. I told her that regardless of what the problems are, I would wager that if both of them sat down, looked each other in the eye, held hands, and SWORE to work the four above phrases/words into their conversation to each other at LEAST one time a day, things would improve greatly. She did not answer me, but her eyes welled up with tears and she said "I'm going to give that some real consideration. It is probably better advice than any marriage counselling money could buy."

"Common couresies" are not common at all, and the lack of them is part of what is causing the fabric of our society to disintegrate, in my opinion. So no, I don't think one is petty for wanting to be thanked, apologized to, or told you are loved, or said please to. Those four things... are golden. Sorry for waxing eloquent there for a second. You caught me at a bad moment.

 

[Three Cedars Silkies]

Unfortunately, I think this is the way of the future. We have become the most self-centered, "me" society that I've ever seen in my 60 years. It is really unbelievable...

 

[Rozzie]

Gifts used to be few and far between. A hundred years ago, a child might get a single gift at Christmas, if the family could afford it. 60-70 years ago, they might get a gift from their parents, and maybe one from one or both sets of grandparents. It's possible an aunt/uncle or a much older sibling might give a gift, if the family circle wasn't too extended or the child was the "baby" of the family.

Gift giving in the past was much different than it is today. Material possessions were fewer and harder to come by.

Today, it really does NOT take much thought to put something under the tree for all of the cousins & other extended family members. It can be done in a few minutes with a trip to a single store, or by clicking for ten minutes on Amazon. Sure, it takes a bit of cash, but not much more. If you have to personally wrap and ship the gifts, it takes a few minutes more of time. It's nothing like the time it took, though, when people hand made gifts, or went to great trouble to purchase them.

Life has changed...social customs are changing. They are lagging behind, yes. They are, however, changing...

Edited to add: Obviously, the OP did put more thought into her gifts. However, people have become accustomed to the other type of gifts, and aren't likely to change their habits...

 

[verity]

I do similar things -- to remember and honor loved ones -- I know that I really do this for me -- sharing them makes me happy and I consider that to be the 'point' --

It is always nice to receive a 'thank-you' but that doesn't always happen ---

Wherever your grandfather is, he knows you love and miss him ---