Can I be petty for a minute about my mom?

[calicokat]

I have to laugh. My mom said that this year she & Step Dad are just going to buy for the 5 grands this year (ages 13 - 18), not the kids (we're late 30'- mid 40's). Ok, fine. And the truth is she likes to spend as little as possible on them anyway, always asking me what her budget is, did we say $20 apiece? No mom, you said $25 was what you planned. Oh, look this is neat, and $18, that's close enough right? No mom, I think you should find another little $5 or 6 thing to add to it, just keep it all close to even. What I really want to say is "They are your grandkids, maybe buy one or two less pieces of expensive jewelry this year and I don't know, actually spoil them instead of yourself"

But of course I bite my tongue.

And we had further conversation about how she and SD don't really need gifts. They're retired, in their late 60's, they mostly just buy what they want for themselves throughout the year. (They are enjoying retirement - new hobbies, travel, Ipads for both, lots of splurges.) They are not on those small fixed incomes that you hear about for seniors, they are pretty comfortable - two houses, new car, latest gadgets and such. And so you kids don't need to buy for us. Ok, great, you're hard to buy for anyway, and we have such a tight budget - this is a great relief.

So today, she calls and is giving me ideas for SD for his gift. Whiskey Tango Houston? I thought we weren't buying for you and you weren't buying for us? I know you aren't buying for us because you haven't asked for any ideas for DH or me nor have you mentioned the usual gift cert. that you like to alert me to be watching the mail for.

Didn't say anything, called to check with sis. Looks like mom remembers that she doesn't want to buy for us (the kids), but forgot that we weren't going to buy for her,

I think she's turning into a grown-up spoiled kid,

Ok, just wanted to fuss a bit. I feel better.

Anyone else have a parent that is turning into a spoiled, almost like an only child, kid as they get older??

 

[Dar]

weather or not mom spent the $25 or not is really not the point... if mom traded loyalty points or lint and buttons for the gift it should not matter... its the thought that counts

if mom and SD have the next flight booked into space on the Virgin spaceship is not really your business... (sorry) its their money and they should be able to spend it the way they want to they worked hard for it..

as for calling you to give gift ideas.. maybe she forgot about the no exchange for the adults.... I have 2 senior parents and I know sometimes i can tell my mom something and the next hour she will call me and ask the same question because she was distracted when i told her the answer


sorry I know its not the answer you wanted...

 

[love-my-wolves]

I know how you feel, my mother-in-law is kind of the same. About 7 years ago she told me she wanted this doll for Xmas. My husband and I had just filed bankruptcy, and were struggling with medical bills from when he flipped his truck and spent 3 weeks in the hospital. The doll she wanted (and she was specific) cost $100! Our budget for the kids was $20 each, and I told her I couldn't afford it. She told me she was my mother-in-law, that was what she wanted. So I went to a flea market and found a similar doll for $15. Had the kids each sign a card and gave it to her. You should have seen the look on her face, utter horror and repultion. Lets just say, the next day she gave the doll to my oldest daughter, and reminded me every year that if I can't buy what she wants, not to even contact her for Xmas.

 

[calicokat]

But that's just it - she didn't forget she's not giving to the adults. It's the kid in her that has forgotten that we also weren't giving to her.

She normally has no memory issues as such, so this isn't a "forgetting" thing as such, it's a selective memory thing more like

 

[calicokat]

Oh Steph - you win! Your MIL is mean for sure, I think my mom is just a little selfish and self-centered that's not so bad I guess

 

[punk-a-doodle]

On a personal level, I only accept gifts given willingly and with no strings attached, so I never require that anyone buy me or those I know a gift. Exceptions include work Secret Santas. XD It sounds like your mom is rather self-absorbed and not self-aware. That said, it also sounds like you and your husband are comparing gifts and who is giving what who (I may have misread that). If that is the case, everyone could probably benefit from viewing life from a different angle or two.

 

[itsy]

What was the end result response you gave her? Did you finally say to her "What gives? Why are we buying for you because we made an agreement that we weren't buying for one another?" I think one of the nice things about my relationship with my mom is that we don't dance around anything. Neither of us are perfect, but when all the cards are laid out on the table, it makes communication SO much easier in the long run.

 

[ChicksterJo]

Don't sweat the extra $5 or so that she won't spend on each kid. If her gift to one grandkid cost $18 instead of $25 why worry about those $7? I don't even expect any Christmas gifts anymore. If I get anything, great. If not, then I don't make a note of it. You also aren't obligated to get her anything just as she isn't obligated to get you anything...when was Christmas or the holidays in general about buying gifts anyway?

 

[Criskin]

I don't think Christmas gifts should ever be expected. Being required to give something of a specific monetary amount sounds too much like paying taxes to me.

 

[TinyChickenLady]

I wouldn't feel obligated to buy for them if I were you. It's your personal choice just like it is hers. All of us grown kids are in our 20's and one of us has 2 kids so they are the main focus for holidays. My parents will say things like "We can only afford to spend X on you grown kids this year. Hope that's okay." Well of course it is! Take that money and put it toward the Grandies!! And they always tell us, "don't buy for us..." as if we actually listen

So no one in my family EXPECTS anything and is grateful for everything (except for one sister who would rather buy the newest Avon ring than groceries but that's a whole different rant altogether).
To the OP - do what you want and nothing more and neither will your mother.