Can you help edit my essay

Discussion in 'Random Ramblings' started by Brianm97, Oct 24, 2011.

  1. Brianm97

    Brianm97 Chillin' With My Peeps

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    any advise appreciated it is for my freshman foods class. any advise appreciated. for your info it is a 2 page essay on the movie FOOD inc. This isnt a big project it is just a homework assignment but I still want to do good on it.
    NAME GOES HERE [​IMG]
    Into To foods.
    Food INC.

    Food Incorporated is a movie about what is really in your food. Is that a burger? Or is that corn fed beef treated with ammonia fillers? In this essay I am going to summarize the movie and teach about what is in your foods. I will also talk about the real farmers and what is happening to them. I will discuses GM crops. lastly I will talk about organic farming.
    The movie starts out by giving statistics. They talk about Tyson Chicken and Perdue Being the top chicken packers in the world. They talk about the chickens. The Meat birds Have been bred and altered so that from chick to headless it is 42-43 days. This is a much shorter period than nature intended. Because of this the birds are growing and fattening faster then their bones can grow. The birds can only take a few steps then fall down because they are also bred to have large breasts. So for those 42 days the birds are essentially rolling in their and others feces. This means if one bird is ill than they all will become ill. The farmers were asked to show their coops and agreed. How ever after several threatening letters from Tyson they took back their offer. Only one farmer allowed them inside. She showed them the dead poultry that she had to remove on a daily basis. She also told them that she is in debt with them because they always require more and more materials so that the farmer can never get away with a profit and needs to keep coming back to try for a profit.
    Next they talked about corn and its uses. The movie told us that farmers farming corn are selling it for less than they are producing it for. They also gave examples of how corn is manipulated and its many uses. For example did you know, ketchup, batteries, soda, juice, Kool-Aid, cereal, diapers, charcoal, gasoline and Twinkies all contain corn? Did you notice you can get produce year round now? Red juicy tomatoes in -20 degree winters. Those tomatoes are grown on the other side of the world and picked green. On the way over here they are gassed with ethylene to turn red.
    Meat packing used to be one of the safest jobs there were. Now next to Alaskan crab fishing it is number 2. Not only are the workers in dangerous conditions. So are the cattle and swine. The cattle are fed corn. That is the biggest problem. They are grazers. Cattle aren’t meant to eat corn. Corn produces E coli in the meat. If the cattle were fed grass for one week 80% of the E coli would be removed from their systems. That isn’t “cost effective” though. So what is done? Fillers washed with ammonia is added to the ground beef to kill the E coli.
    There are many GM crops on the market. 70% of all food products have a GM crop in them. Almost all of the soy beans are genetically modified. They are resistant to herbicides and pesticides. The company that has made these seeds has patented them. Any farmer who has the seeds in their possession or is accused of having them is sued for copyright infringement. Even if you don’t plant them but your neighbor plants them and debris blows into your field and you test positive you’re sued. Because they are such a rich company even if you aren’t saving seeds its better just to settle usually because it will cost more money if you keep fighting.
    Organic growing is on the rise. Companies like Stonyfield are completely organic. Not only are they organic they are in the top three yogurt producers. Places like Wal-Mart Are going organic. This shows you it is no longer a small movement but a large shove at caring for your body and health. Buy local or from farmer markets. Grow your own tomatoes. Get your own eggs from chickens that can walk. Do something about this.
     
    Last edited: Oct 24, 2011
  2. KenK

    KenK Chillin' With My Peeps

    Jan 23, 2011
    Georgia
    Quote:It is awful. Check your spelling if nothing else. Actually CHECK the spelling, not just run spell check.
     
  3. Brianm97

    Brianm97 Chillin' With My Peeps

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    Thanks. I am terrible at spelling. I will go over it again A few times And check For more spelling.
     
  4. Brianm97

    Brianm97 Chillin' With My Peeps

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    I only saw a few here is the 1st time edited






    Intro To foods.
    Food INC.

    Food Incorporated is a movie about what is really in your food. Is that a burger? Or is that corn fed beef treated with ammonia fillers? In this essay I am going to summarize the movie and teach about what is in your foods. I will also talk about the real farmers and what is happening to them. I will discuses GM crops. Lastly I will talk about organic farming.
    The movie starts out by giving statistics. They talk about Tyson Chicken and Perdue Being the top chicken packers in the world. They talk about the chickens. The Meat birds Have been bred and altered so that from chick to headless it is 42-43 days. This is a much shorter period than nature intended. Because of this the birds are growing and fattening faster then their bones can grow. The birds can only take a few steps then fall down because they are also bred to have large breasts. So for those 42 days the birds are essentially rolling in their and others feces. This means if one bird is ill than they all will become ill. The farmers were asked to show their coops and agreed. How ever after several threatening letters from Tyson they took back their offer. Only one farmer allowed them inside. She showed them the dead poultry that she had to remove on a daily basis. She also told them that she is in debt with them because they always require more and more materials so that the farmer can never get away with a profit and needs to keep coming back to try for a profit.
    Next they talked about corn and its uses. The movie told us that farmers farming corn are selling it for less than they are producing it for. They also gave examples of how corn is manipulated and its many uses. For example did you know, ketchup, batteries, soda, juice, Kool-Aid, cereal, diapers, charcoal, gasoline and Twinkies all contain corn? Did you notice you can get produce year round now, red juicy tomatoes in -20 degree winters? Those tomatoes are grown on the other side of the world and picked green. On the way over here they are gassed with ethylene to turn red.
    Meat packing used to be one of the safest jobs there were. Now next to Alaskan crab fishing it is the most dangerous. Not only are the workers in dangerous conditions. So are the cattle and swine. The cattle are fed corn. That is the biggest problem. They are grazers. Cattle aren’t meant to eat corn. Corn produces E coli in the meat. If the cattle were fed grass for one week 80% of the E coli would be removed from their systems. That isn’t “cost effective” though. So what is done? Fillers washed with ammonia are added to the ground beef to kill the E coli.
    There are many GM crops on the market. 70% of all food products have a GM crop in them. Almost all of the soy beans are genetically modified. They are resistant to herbicides and pesticides. The company that has made these seeds has patented them. Any farmer who has the seeds in their possession or is accused of having them is sued for copyright infringement. Even if you don’t plant them but your neighbor plants them and debris blows into your field and you test positive you’re sued. Because they are such a rich company even if you aren’t saving seeds its better just to settle usually because it will cost more money if you keep fighting.
    Organic growing is on the rise. Companies like Stonyfield are completely organic. Not only are they organic they are in the top three yogurt producers. Places like Wal-Mart Are going organic. This shows you it is no longer a small movement but a large shove at caring for your body and health. Buy local or from farmer markets. Grow your own tomatoes. Get your own eggs from chickens that can walk. Do something about this.
     
  5. KenK

    KenK Chillin' With My Peeps

    Jan 23, 2011
    Georgia
    Define "GM". Work on your punctuation and capitalization.
    I'm not very good at the above or spelling either so maybe somebody else will chime in.

    I had to work my butt off to make B's in my English classes. I also disagree with the premise of your essay.
     
  6. Jane Jill Jack

    Jane Jill Jack Chillin' With My Peeps

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    Nov 8, 2010
    My first suggestion would be to check spelling and grammar, and possibly combining some sentences together.



    Food Incorporated is a movie about what is really in your food. Is that a burger? Or is that corn fed beef treated with ammonia fillers? In this essay I am going to summarize the movie and teach about what is in your foods. I will also talk about the real farmers and what is happening to them. I will discuses GM crops. lastly I will talk about organic farming. Choppy sentences, try to combine.
    The movie starts out by giving statistics. They talk about Tyson Chicken and Perdue Being the top chicken packers in the world. They talk about the chickens. The Meat birds Have been bred and altered so that from chick to headless it is 42-43 days. This is a much shorter period than nature intended. Because of this the birds are growing and fattening faster then their bones can grow. The birds can only take a few steps then fall down because they are also bred to have large breasts. So for those 42 days the birds are essentially rolling in their and others feces. This means if one bird is ill than they all will become ill. Really ? New paragreaph.The farmers were asked to show their coops and agreed. How ever after several threatening letters from Tyson they took back their offer. Only one farmer allowed them inside. She showed them the dead poultry that she had to remove on a daily basis. She also told them that she is in debt with them because they always require more and more materials so that the farmer can never get away with a profit and needs to keep coming back to try for a profit.
    Next they talked about corn and its uses. The movie told us that farmers farming corn are selling it for less than they are producing it for. They also gave examples of how corn is manipulated and its many uses. For example did you know, ketchup, batteries, soda, juice, Kool-Aid, cereal, diapers, charcoal, gasoline and Twinkies all contain corn? Did you notice you can get produce year round now? Red juicy tomatoes in -20 degree winters. Those tomatoes are grown on the other side of the world and picked green. On the way over here they are gassed with ethylene to turn red. Explain health issues?
    Meat packing used to be one of the safest jobs there were. Is that really true? Now next to Alaskan crab fishing it is number 2. Not only are the workers in dangerous conditions. So are the cattle and swine. Last two sentences are either incomplete or need to be explained. The cattle are fed corn. That is the biggest problem. They are grazers. Cattle aren’t meant to eat corn. Corn produces E coli in the meat. If the cattle were fed grass for one week 80% of the E coli would be removed from their systems. That isn’t “cost effective” though. So what is done? Fillers washed with ammonia is added to the ground beef to kill the E coli.
    There are many GM crops on the market. 70% DOn't start a sentence with a number. of all food products have a GM crop in them. Almost all of the soy beans are genetically modified. They are resistant to herbicides and pesticides. The company that has made these seeds has patented them. Any farmer who has the seeds in their possession or is accused of having them is sued for copyright infringement. Even if you don’t plant them but your neighbor plants them and debris blows into your field and you test positive you’re sued. Because they are such a rich company even if you aren’t saving seeds its better just to settle usually because it will cost more money if you keep fighting. Can you describe how GM crops are bad for our health too? Just a bonus.
    Organic growing is on the rise. This is unexpected. Explain the causes. Companies like Stonyfield are completely organic. Not only are they organic they are in the top three yogurt producers. Places like Wal-Mart Are going organic. This shows you it is no longer a small movement but a large shove at caring for your body and health. Buy local or from farmer markets. Grow your own tomatoes. Get your own eggs from chickens that can walk. Do something about this.

    Very informative essay. With a few adjustments it'll be awesome!
     
    Last edited: Oct 24, 2011
  7. Brianm97

    Brianm97 Chillin' With My Peeps

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    Premise? I assume you mean the basis? or my standpoint. I suggest you watch the movie. I am not trying to convince you or change you in any way but I had the attitude if it wasn't good to eat they wouldn't be selling it. I may and probably am just in a shock from watching the movie and I don't think I will be eating organic but that is what the movie is trying to get across.
     
  8. Brianm97

    Brianm97 Chillin' With My Peeps

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    Aug 17, 2009
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    Thanks Jane I will fix the things you suggested as well. All the facts I have in There are directly from the movie in a Bulleted key point paper my teacher handed out.


    P.S. I'm not sure on the gassing the tomatoes. He made it sound like a key point as did the movie so i decided to include it.
     
    Last edited: Oct 24, 2011
  9. Spookwriter

    Spookwriter Overrun With Chickens Premium Member

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    Ohio
    Give it your best shot.

    Each word has a purpose and a reason.

    Consider that fact that in presenting this essay to us, many of
    us have not seen the film.

    Then remember that this film was from 2008, I believe. Has there been
    some recent changes you would like to include?

    But do give us your best shot. Then if you feel you need help, we'll listen,
    make a few suggestions. But only you can write your work.
     
    Last edited: Oct 24, 2011
  10. Brianm97

    Brianm97 Chillin' With My Peeps

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    Thanks spook That is very true. i will research some changes and add them to the list if i find any big changes.
     

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