Hi chicken forum-ers,
You guys have given great advice in the past, so I thought I'd come here after the rest of the internet failed me in looking for advice on a big problem.
My husband is obese. It took me some time in denial to finally accept that he's obese and not just chubby, especially since I personally tend to idealize body types that are very skinny. But the BMI charts don't lie. I don't know exactly how much he weighs, but I do know that when he got out of Navy Basic Training, he weighed 175, which is the very top of what the BMI chart says is a normal weight for his height. Ten years later and I can only hazard a guess as to how much he weighs, but I know it's considerably more than 200. Probably around 220 or 240.
I know that I am partly an enabler, but only because common sense would dictate that I am, not because I can find actions on my part that are contributing to this. I incorporate sweets into what I buy maybe once per week, and otherwise I try to cook foods like lentils and brown rice, salads, and baked chicken, but it doesn't seem to help. This winter, we've eaten more beans than we ever have in our lives, and I don't think he's lost a single pound. In fact, he dropped some weight (about five pounds) earlier in the year and now I think he's gained it all back and more.
So a big part of me feels like this is entirely his fault. He gets really angry when I point out food decisions of his that weren't good. And his food decisions are pretty much always bad. He has to make big breakfasts every weekend morning, but during the week he refuses to eat breakfast unless it's a bagel with cream cheese or a donut and coffee. And not just one of each. He eats TWO bagels with cream cheese or THREE donuts. He uses half and half in his coffee every day, and has meat at least once per day. And his meal portions are always roughly double what I remember my dad putting on his plate (who also had a belly paunch), and my dad is taller than he is. But the biggest problem, I'm guessing, is the beer and alcohol. Now, maybe I'm in denial here too, but I don't think he's an alcoholic. He doesn't show any signs of dependency, except that he'd rather have a beer than lose weight. And his hobby is, you guessed it, home brewing beer. He read in the brewer's book that a tradition when brewing beer is to have a glass of the last batch you made. Well, a glass would be fine, but he pours quart jars and has multiples. He doesn't drink every night of the week, in fact some weeks he doesn't drink at all, but when he does, it could be four or six beers. Having been raised in a family that strongly believed in moderation, this blows my mind every single time. At his weight, 4 beers won't make him drunk, but it will make him fat. I've explained that I'm not trying to get him to stop drinking alcohol, but that he can view every beer as if it were a pepsi. He knows soda is bad for him and won't drink it, but somehow beer magically has no calories. I wish I could kick the guy who said "beer has food value but food doesn't have beer value." If I knew who that guy was, I'd kick him square in the junk.
He also has a reward mentality. If we go on a long hike, he rewards himself with a burger. If we eat a healthy dinner, he has three beers. Making healthy choices only seems to make his weight gain worse! And I'm constantly the bad guy saying, "maybe we shouldn't have burgers for dinner every time we go hiking."
I feel like bringing this stuff to his attention only makes him do it more. He accuses me of being a teetotaller and of being too thrifty like my mom. He immediately jumps on the offensive when I bring it up, which I know is a coping mechanism. And he says I'm always trying to change him. I know I nag, and that's a problem, but I don't know what else to do. I want to incorporate more positive ways of helping him, like suggesting that we go on a walk in the evenings now that the weather's getting nicer. But first, I know that suggesting exercise to him feels like an attack. Second, he needs a lot more than a two mile walk every day to see results. He needs about an hour of heavy cardio, which it seems about impossible to convince him to do. I've even roped his cousin into asking him to play ball with him more often, which is something my husband suggested they do so he could lose weight, but he sniffed out my involvement immediately. He wasn't mad cause he's trying to stop being mad about this kind of thing, but I really feel like I can't win. I can't do anything to get him to change his habits without him feeling like it's an attack.
Pleas that I'm concerned about his health don't work. I almost started crying the other day saying I was afraid he was going to widow me at 40, and he says that he's not even in as bad of shape as his dad who has already made it to 50. I just don't know what to do. He stops breathing in his sleep and the neighbor just lost her husband at 40 due to sleep apnea brought on by obesity.
I know this was long, and I'm sorry. I always go long, because getting everything out helps me sleep. Throw me some advice if you can!
You guys have given great advice in the past, so I thought I'd come here after the rest of the internet failed me in looking for advice on a big problem.
My husband is obese. It took me some time in denial to finally accept that he's obese and not just chubby, especially since I personally tend to idealize body types that are very skinny. But the BMI charts don't lie. I don't know exactly how much he weighs, but I do know that when he got out of Navy Basic Training, he weighed 175, which is the very top of what the BMI chart says is a normal weight for his height. Ten years later and I can only hazard a guess as to how much he weighs, but I know it's considerably more than 200. Probably around 220 or 240.
I know that I am partly an enabler, but only because common sense would dictate that I am, not because I can find actions on my part that are contributing to this. I incorporate sweets into what I buy maybe once per week, and otherwise I try to cook foods like lentils and brown rice, salads, and baked chicken, but it doesn't seem to help. This winter, we've eaten more beans than we ever have in our lives, and I don't think he's lost a single pound. In fact, he dropped some weight (about five pounds) earlier in the year and now I think he's gained it all back and more.
So a big part of me feels like this is entirely his fault. He gets really angry when I point out food decisions of his that weren't good. And his food decisions are pretty much always bad. He has to make big breakfasts every weekend morning, but during the week he refuses to eat breakfast unless it's a bagel with cream cheese or a donut and coffee. And not just one of each. He eats TWO bagels with cream cheese or THREE donuts. He uses half and half in his coffee every day, and has meat at least once per day. And his meal portions are always roughly double what I remember my dad putting on his plate (who also had a belly paunch), and my dad is taller than he is. But the biggest problem, I'm guessing, is the beer and alcohol. Now, maybe I'm in denial here too, but I don't think he's an alcoholic. He doesn't show any signs of dependency, except that he'd rather have a beer than lose weight. And his hobby is, you guessed it, home brewing beer. He read in the brewer's book that a tradition when brewing beer is to have a glass of the last batch you made. Well, a glass would be fine, but he pours quart jars and has multiples. He doesn't drink every night of the week, in fact some weeks he doesn't drink at all, but when he does, it could be four or six beers. Having been raised in a family that strongly believed in moderation, this blows my mind every single time. At his weight, 4 beers won't make him drunk, but it will make him fat. I've explained that I'm not trying to get him to stop drinking alcohol, but that he can view every beer as if it were a pepsi. He knows soda is bad for him and won't drink it, but somehow beer magically has no calories. I wish I could kick the guy who said "beer has food value but food doesn't have beer value." If I knew who that guy was, I'd kick him square in the junk.
He also has a reward mentality. If we go on a long hike, he rewards himself with a burger. If we eat a healthy dinner, he has three beers. Making healthy choices only seems to make his weight gain worse! And I'm constantly the bad guy saying, "maybe we shouldn't have burgers for dinner every time we go hiking."
I feel like bringing this stuff to his attention only makes him do it more. He accuses me of being a teetotaller and of being too thrifty like my mom. He immediately jumps on the offensive when I bring it up, which I know is a coping mechanism. And he says I'm always trying to change him. I know I nag, and that's a problem, but I don't know what else to do. I want to incorporate more positive ways of helping him, like suggesting that we go on a walk in the evenings now that the weather's getting nicer. But first, I know that suggesting exercise to him feels like an attack. Second, he needs a lot more than a two mile walk every day to see results. He needs about an hour of heavy cardio, which it seems about impossible to convince him to do. I've even roped his cousin into asking him to play ball with him more often, which is something my husband suggested they do so he could lose weight, but he sniffed out my involvement immediately. He wasn't mad cause he's trying to stop being mad about this kind of thing, but I really feel like I can't win. I can't do anything to get him to change his habits without him feeling like it's an attack.
Pleas that I'm concerned about his health don't work. I almost started crying the other day saying I was afraid he was going to widow me at 40, and he says that he's not even in as bad of shape as his dad who has already made it to 50. I just don't know what to do. He stops breathing in his sleep and the neighbor just lost her husband at 40 due to sleep apnea brought on by obesity.
I know this was long, and I'm sorry. I always go long, because getting everything out helps me sleep. Throw me some advice if you can!
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