child rearing help!!!

[silkypie]

Quote:
We try that w/ the 6 y/o when he's acting up but my DH always caves in and lets him get out of the bed after a couple minutes. I will definitely try it though w/ the 14 y/o. My DH has less patience for them.

Since they can't seem to get the point where they need to do their homework (the 16 y/o, and the 14 y/o) I am taking away the internet this weekend. It's so detrimental if they can't check their myspace every 10 minutes! One of the twins was even talking to a 14 y/o kid in California (we are in Florida) and they "love" each other. She denies it but she's notorious for lying all the time (then later admitting it to me that she lied but not to her dad)

 

[bawkbawkbawk]

As a stepmom, you may always get the short end of the stick. For reasons that aren't entirely rational, children and exes tend to direct their anger/frustration/bad moods to the stepmom rather than the dad. Maybe because she's an easier target?

I would definitely cut the sarcasm. Model by example. You can't change these kids as their personalities are pretty well molded by now, but you're generally better off if you don't stoop to their level. Be straightforward and sincere with them. When they say something cutting to you, why not just answer that it hurts your feelings and you hope they can understand and respect that. Your sarcasm just gives them an excuse to be that way back to you.

It's a losing battle for you to try to manage their behavior.

You and your DH need to come to an agreement as to what is acceptable behavior from the kids when they are in your home and then he needs to back you up and enforce the agreed-upon boundaries. If he's typical, he just wants to avoid conflict with his kids and prefers to overlook the "little" stuff. You two have to decide what constitutes the "little" stuff and what doesn't.

Good luck. They will eventually grow up...

 

[silkypie]

Thank you for your help! I really really really appreciate all the advice. I have a whole new outlook on what to do on Thursday when they come over

 

[quail newbie]

I'm very strict and my son knows that he has the right to eat, sleep, feel loved etc. BUT he also knows the extra stuff like tv, computer and his friends are not a right but a privilege. He realizes that any and all privilege's can and will be REVOKED depending on what he has done. I am the boss. If two of the 4 kids are misbehaving take something that is not important to the other kids or don't allow them tv time. It will be alot easier when you get your husband on board. Good Luck

 

[charmed one]

I raised 3 step-daughters from the ages of 3, 5 and 7. They tried EVERYTHING! But the one thing I had was my DH's support. They knew if I had to go to him with a problem they were causing, the punishment would be double! You have got to talk to your DH and come together on this. The kids know exactly what's going on and are going to use it to their advantage. Also, it was hard and I hated it but I always kept their mother in the loop. Just knowing that we talked threw them way off balance and stopped the trying to pit one set of parents against the other. My kids are grown now but they still tell me they hated that we talked. I even took her to the parent teachers conf at school. (Yes I'm a saint!) Talk to your DH and try to get the mom on board. It will make your life alot easier.

 

[Chickenmaven]

Quote:
Ditto. They cannot respect you if you are not being the adult. And, yes, DH needs to back you up. Take him out for a cup of coffee or a walk and TELL him that you need him to be there for you.
Good luck.

 

[silkypie]

Well, I spoke w/ DH about how I feel when the twins (it's mainly only 1 of the twins) disrespect me and make sarcastic comments to me. I told him that I am going to cut the comments out and when she is rude to me I am going to send her to her room and disconnect the internet. She probably won't listen to me the first time but I will stay on her ass when she's rude to me.

Apparently, (the twins told me) they don't respect their mother. I think that's why they try to treat me like they treat her. I have heard them on the phone with her and WOW. I would never have gotten away with speaking to her like that. Unfortunately, my DH doesn't say anything to them about respecting their mom when they are on the phone with her. But DH and his ex have their own issues and I try not to get too involved with it. It tends to give me a headache as they just both act like children when they speak to each other. Ex yells and calls him a bad dad and DH hangs the phone up... then she calls back about 10 times and leaves really nasty messages that only upset DH and he won't talk to her again on the phone, only through text.

But yes, I am going to rise above them and not say sarcastic comments, which will be hard but I know I can do it.

Wish me luck come this Thursday!

 

[Sillystunt]

For example: Them- "Megan your hair looks greasy." Me-"Well, it's wet and you would know what wet/clean hair would look like if you showered more often." I can't help myself w/ come backs. That is how I grew up and that's how my family is with each other.

that is abrasive! you shouldn't speak like that to them. They are kids, you are the adult. I don't care how you were raised, break the cycle. To be honest wet hair does look greasy, so what she said is true. What you said was intended to hurt her feelings. your headed down a bad road! Sorry if you don't want to hear this but it's the truth.

i foster kids and took behavioral classes and you need to take them! they will help you deal with these kids that aren't yours. You should ignore junk behavior, they do it to piss you off. Pivet away from them when they do it!! You will become INSANE if you don't!!

PEACE RIVER Counceling ,get intouch with them. they offer classes here in Florida (lakeland is close to you) and will come out and help you. They see you as the woman who is married to their dad. They owe you nothing and could careless. That's what they want you to think! Deep down inside they don't, they want approval and to be nourished. 14 is a hard age as well!!! weither they are yours or someone elses.

Taking priveleges away is corrisive. They need to not be having the negative all the time. Instead award them things because of their positive behavior. Like when they are good, praise them. they start to focus on the good not the bad. Think of magentics.............neg attracts neg and postive attracts postive.

in the end your better off walking away, not responding. They won't get the rise out of you. that's what they want and you play right into them!

Start engaging them ...ask questions like when,where,who. It gets them talking with you instead of questions that the answer is NO or YES. That conversation is over with that answer~

Best of luck!​

 

[teach1rusl]

Get Out of My Life, but First Could You Drive Me & Cheryl to the Mall: A Parent's Guide to the New Teenager
and
The Complete Idiot's Guide to Stepparenting

Both (especially the first, because it deals strictly with girls and is VERY enjoyable/funny to read) of these books are quite useful. My dh bought the 2nd one when we married (my son was 13 at the time). I have passed it on to my own ex, because his wife and my son are having conflict. Blended families are HARD!!!

Part of the problem (obviously) is that you and your husband aren't on the same page with expectations. My dh and I are doing BETTER with that now, three plus years later, but we still occasionally argue over expectations.

I think the natural parent is always going to feel a little defensive over their "baby."
But another part is that it sounds like (and I think you suggested that...or another poster did) your dh doesn't want to be the "heavy" because he thinks the kids won't like him, or won't want to stay with him/you. In his mind he wants it to be like a vacation, a fun place to be, when they're with him. That's exactly my ex husband's outlook when my son goes to visit him.

I do agree with the poster who mentioned you might need to work on curbing your sarcasm, at least with the two middle girls. They may take it as a challenge or an insult. I used to say that being a parent was the hardest job in the world. But truly, being a step-parent is. Just remember...3 more years...3 more years....lol. And chances are they truly will grow out of this ugly phase. Best of luck!