Chores for your children.....

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Union...
Just guard yourself here as a warning. My best friend took on her step daughter when her real Mama couldn't handle her any longer. She spent 5 years of her life helping that girl become a better person. She did all the dental work the kid needed and got her glasses and helped her learn to dress decently. She taught her how to be respestful and basically gave her the world. In the end, she called CPS and filed a complaint of child abuse on her. There was a massive investigation and nearly got my friend in some MAJOR trouble. CPS even interviewed me because the child had the nerve to tell them I was her best friend and I had kids she didn't need to be around. Long story short, after the investigation it was deemed the child was lying due to the fact that Daddy told her she couldn't date that 18 + year old boy (kid was 13) and she wanted to prove she could. Ended up back with her real Mama and not only that boy but has dated several over age boys, dropped out of school, and basically is now running with a local gang. All in all it devastated my girlfriend who loved her to death. Sometimes you cannot fix the problems you didn't create. Just be very very careful.
 
Do the cat litter..
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...Pam...sounds like I was your best friend....that is almost the same thing that happened here...but I was the one that called the cops...but then the step daughter ran away(to be with a boy that was to old and that we didnt aprove of)...and said that I beat her up...later admitting that she put marks on her own face trying to get me arrested. Now she is back with her grandparents (since her mother cant have her) and failing school, and possibly pregnant by now. It can be a scarey thing...specially if the child is a liar and a manupulator

sorry about the spelling...been a long night


~Tiff~
 
unionwirewoman:

If you and the girl's father are having relationship issues, and he is sharing those issues with her, she's probably seeing you as another enemy. After all, no offense, but to her, you're a replacement for the mom she had, so you already had the cards stacked against you when you married her father. I doubt you could approach her from a position of respect, where she will listen to you. I doubt she has any respect for you at all.

Acting out at school is one way that a child seeks attention. Does she feel loved and appreciated at home, in a family atmosphere? ("Love" doesn't mean presents...it means time, talking and listening and doing things as a family in a way that everyone feels connected). Also, once kids are known as being a "bad" kid, they figure that no one will think they could ever be good, so why bother? This is an extremely hard idea to break. It requires lots of love and time, time, time with parents and teachers.

She doesn't see her life as going anywhere, and she has few goals for herself. Why should she? She's already learned that life is unstable and she can't plan ahead (due to the divorce). Now, hearing about your relationship issues from her dad is just increasing the instability.

I suggest going to a marriage counselor and working to develop a healthy relationship with the girl's father. Once you get your problems taken care of, then you can work on hers.

In the meantime, contact the social worker at the school and see if you can get the girl a counselor.
 
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Tiff, yes it sure does sound a lot alike! My girlfriend's stepdaughter beat herself up pretty good. It really was a mess of a situation there for a while. The kid had seen too much and knew too much from day one by a birth mother that didn't live a very respectful life in many ways. So once those ideas were implanted from the early years, there isn't much that couldn't be done.... especially once the kid got mad. It nearly tore my girlfriend and her husband apart. I am actually really surprised it didn't. This all happened Oct of last year and up until this summer, she had to call the cops on the kid and her friends several times. Mind you she didn't even live with them anymore, but the kid would come back with her friends and damage buildings and cars or whatever they could get into on her ranch. My girlfriend even fired a shot gun into the air one evening when they were attempting to rip out one of her stallion's fence lines and set him free. It got real nasty there for a while.
 
I feed my dog, take care of animals, get the mail,

I don't really have to many set chores but if i am told to do something i do it. Ex: Take out trash
 
Thanks to everyone about all of the advice..need some time to think some of it over .

I guess the only thing I can say is I am probably the person she is least likely to be disrespectfull to...and knows that she can't get away with stuff around me . We spent most of the night talking...she was on the computer...but for the first time she actually had a half hour conversation with me ignoring the computer . Basically she told me she wants set rules....her dad to listen to her instead of just talking at her or yelling , and the same rules at each house . I can't make these things happen by myself...I've tried talking with both parents...it works for maybe a week . I guess my ony solice is knowing she will come to me when she's frustrated....we are getting better each day with that .

Thanks again to everyone....just wanted hubby to read all of the chores other kids do to make him realize he needs more structure with her , and for her to read and see how much other kids do just to help out .
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My boys are 12 and 14. They rotate doing the dishes and the oldest is in charge of his own laundry (although I will run it if it's out in the laundry area). They also help with the weekly housework on the weekends. Usually during the week I will do a mid-week clean up, but that really depends on what we have going on. I am going have each son walk one of the dogs each day as well. Reading through, I would say we are mid-range on what we expect. Although, they are the only kids of their friends that are expected to even do the dishes.

Years ago, when the boys were toddlers I looked around my house and realized that yes, it was spotless and dinner was on the table when hubby got home, but I was bored to tears and had not created any art in those years. I decided then that a big part of my life was missing, and that I don't need to have a house that is clean 24/7. So, now the floor gets dirty before I clean it and the laundry sometimes piles up. But, as a person I am much happier. In that vein, my sons are extremely involved in theater. They are in around 3 shows a year, which means that 4 days a week they have practice for 2 hours a day (at least) for several months for each show. In addition, my oldest son is in the high school improve troupe and has practice 2 days a week for an hour and a half. Along with the theater, the oldest is also taking an extremely challenging courseload at school. To be honest, I would rather they have moderate chores, reflecting our moderate level of cleanliness, and come out of it with hobbies that are fulfilling to them. Sunday I had 15 teenagers over at my house telling lame Shakespeare jokes as they practiced "Twelfth Night" for their school's Lunchbox Theater program. To me, that they are engaged kids matters more than a clean chicken-coop. Everyone's family has its own values and each child has his own needs, striking that balance is often extremely tricky. For us for right now, I think we have.
 

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