Hi there,
Do you all write family brag letters and slip them into your Christmas cards?
We got one last week that was addressed to someone we didn't know but it was our address so we went ahead and opened it.
It came from somewhere near Hope, Arkansas.
Even though they are total strangers, I hope you enjoy it as much as we did.
Xmas Letter, 2009
All:
I have never much cared for them brag letters people send at Xmas. However, seeing how I have such a great family, I thought I would put one together. I will give a brief up to date of what is going on with each family member.
BILLY BOB, 11-years-old
We are real proud of him. Billy Bob may be the first to get out of the third grade before he turns 12. He is on his fourth try and doing well. The teacher says he is doing well on his guzintas. He knows his first set of twos, you know, 2 guzinta 2 one time and 2 guzinta 4, two times and 2 guzinta 6 a bunch of times, i.e. We have been trying to get him to stop eatin paint chips.
ANNIE JO, 14-years-old
Annie Jo is a real artist. The police officers brought her home and give her a pink certificate for spray painting on the street signs. They said it was illegal, but because the picture was so good, they give her the certificate and said she needs to come down for the contest judging at the court house in 21 days.
JIMMY BOB, 20-years-old
I thought the Hairy Crishnas was gone, since I havent seen any at the bus station, but I think Jimmy Bob joined them. He got his head shaved and had a European good luck design tattooed on his head. It is just like the cross Rudolph Hitler used to have, but different. His girlfriend has 17 earrings in her left ear and a big one in her nose that blows snot out when she laughs. I think its love.
TIFFANY JO, 21-years-old
Tiffany Jo is going to night college. She leaves for class at about 2:00 in the afternoon and dont get home until about 3:00 in the morning. She never brings books home because she is real smart. She has one of them athletic scholarships. I think it must be track and field, because she says she is a Pole Dancer. She hasnt ever brought home a uniform. I asked her to, but she says theres nothing much to see.
BOBBY BOB, 25-years-old
Bobby Bob is working on a trade in metal work for the State of Arizona in a place called Florence. He manufactures stuff, like license plates. His favorite license plates are them with funny sayings like [ I H8 U ]. The program gets done in about 7 more years and it is followed by 3 years of probation to see how he does on his own. They really take care of their students in the State. He says his roommate has been through the program twice and likes it so well he keeps coming back for refresher courses.
CRYSTAL JO AND ELMORE, AND PJ
You may remember they got married a few years back. Crystal Jo is a full time garbage picker. She finds a lot of cool stuff. She has about 15 VCR players. One of them almost works. Elmore is studying to be a brain scientist. He hasnt been allowed into doctor school yet, but he says he will be just as soon as he gets his G.E.D. He seems to find stuff to practice on. There arent a lot of cats around the neighborhood anymore, but I believe real progress is being made. The baby is called PJ. I think they named him that so he could spell it easy if he goes to college some day to become a dentist and has to write subscriptions. He likes to eat dirt.
BILLIE JO AND ROGER, AND ROCKY AND ABRAM
Billie Jo stays home while Roger goes out and steals. They get paid disability by the government for the disability Roger has for being born addicted to drugs. The kids are smart as whips though. Rocky will pick out whatever color crayon you tell him to and eat while smiling the whole time. His diapers look like a rainbow. Abram is OK, but I dont know what kind of name Abram is, I think it is one of them bible time names like them folks had that Rudolph Hitler prosecuted. He has about the same amount of hair as they did when the G.Is broke down the fences when General Parton led his tanks into them construction camps in WWII.
MA
She is still pretty as the day she decided to marry me after her third husband died in the lectric chair. Shes turning bald though. She still spends most of the time trying to figure out if it was me or the dog that gots the fumes. Most of the time she is right. She may be a smellaholic.
ME
Im doing OK. You probably remember that I got smooshed by the bus when I was trying to pick up that dollar bill in the street. It turned out to be one of those religious pamphlets. Boy do I feel dum. Im OK, but when the plate in my head shifts I sort of lock up and then speak in tongues like a pentacostal for about an hour. My cousin was there one time when it happened and now he is a traveling angelical preacher.
Thats about how it is with us. As you can see, we are about as happy as a herd of pigs in slop. Stop by if you are in our town, but be sure and bring your own toilet paper.
Tommy Bob
Do you all write family brag letters and slip them into your Christmas cards?
We got one last week that was addressed to someone we didn't know but it was our address so we went ahead and opened it.
It came from somewhere near Hope, Arkansas.
Even though they are total strangers, I hope you enjoy it as much as we did.
Xmas Letter, 2009
All:
I have never much cared for them brag letters people send at Xmas. However, seeing how I have such a great family, I thought I would put one together. I will give a brief up to date of what is going on with each family member.
BILLY BOB, 11-years-old
We are real proud of him. Billy Bob may be the first to get out of the third grade before he turns 12. He is on his fourth try and doing well. The teacher says he is doing well on his guzintas. He knows his first set of twos, you know, 2 guzinta 2 one time and 2 guzinta 4, two times and 2 guzinta 6 a bunch of times, i.e. We have been trying to get him to stop eatin paint chips.
ANNIE JO, 14-years-old
Annie Jo is a real artist. The police officers brought her home and give her a pink certificate for spray painting on the street signs. They said it was illegal, but because the picture was so good, they give her the certificate and said she needs to come down for the contest judging at the court house in 21 days.
JIMMY BOB, 20-years-old
I thought the Hairy Crishnas was gone, since I havent seen any at the bus station, but I think Jimmy Bob joined them. He got his head shaved and had a European good luck design tattooed on his head. It is just like the cross Rudolph Hitler used to have, but different. His girlfriend has 17 earrings in her left ear and a big one in her nose that blows snot out when she laughs. I think its love.
TIFFANY JO, 21-years-old
Tiffany Jo is going to night college. She leaves for class at about 2:00 in the afternoon and dont get home until about 3:00 in the morning. She never brings books home because she is real smart. She has one of them athletic scholarships. I think it must be track and field, because she says she is a Pole Dancer. She hasnt ever brought home a uniform. I asked her to, but she says theres nothing much to see.
BOBBY BOB, 25-years-old
Bobby Bob is working on a trade in metal work for the State of Arizona in a place called Florence. He manufactures stuff, like license plates. His favorite license plates are them with funny sayings like [ I H8 U ]. The program gets done in about 7 more years and it is followed by 3 years of probation to see how he does on his own. They really take care of their students in the State. He says his roommate has been through the program twice and likes it so well he keeps coming back for refresher courses.
CRYSTAL JO AND ELMORE, AND PJ
You may remember they got married a few years back. Crystal Jo is a full time garbage picker. She finds a lot of cool stuff. She has about 15 VCR players. One of them almost works. Elmore is studying to be a brain scientist. He hasnt been allowed into doctor school yet, but he says he will be just as soon as he gets his G.E.D. He seems to find stuff to practice on. There arent a lot of cats around the neighborhood anymore, but I believe real progress is being made. The baby is called PJ. I think they named him that so he could spell it easy if he goes to college some day to become a dentist and has to write subscriptions. He likes to eat dirt.
BILLIE JO AND ROGER, AND ROCKY AND ABRAM
Billie Jo stays home while Roger goes out and steals. They get paid disability by the government for the disability Roger has for being born addicted to drugs. The kids are smart as whips though. Rocky will pick out whatever color crayon you tell him to and eat while smiling the whole time. His diapers look like a rainbow. Abram is OK, but I dont know what kind of name Abram is, I think it is one of them bible time names like them folks had that Rudolph Hitler prosecuted. He has about the same amount of hair as they did when the G.Is broke down the fences when General Parton led his tanks into them construction camps in WWII.
MA
She is still pretty as the day she decided to marry me after her third husband died in the lectric chair. Shes turning bald though. She still spends most of the time trying to figure out if it was me or the dog that gots the fumes. Most of the time she is right. She may be a smellaholic.
ME
Im doing OK. You probably remember that I got smooshed by the bus when I was trying to pick up that dollar bill in the street. It turned out to be one of those religious pamphlets. Boy do I feel dum. Im OK, but when the plate in my head shifts I sort of lock up and then speak in tongues like a pentacostal for about an hour. My cousin was there one time when it happened and now he is a traveling angelical preacher.
Thats about how it is with us. As you can see, we are about as happy as a herd of pigs in slop. Stop by if you are in our town, but be sure and bring your own toilet paper.
Tommy Bob
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