Chuckle for the day....add yours

[lovemychix]

 

[AHappychick]

edited to be make PG

2 men are in a bar on the top of the Empire State building. Both intoxicated they start chatting. The first guy says to the other "you know the wind currents are so strong on this building that if I was to jump of the top I would fall until I reached 3/4 of the way down but then the updraft would push me back up to the top".

The other guy says "No way" They both have a few more drinks and argue the physics over it.

After they toss a few more back the first guy says "fine I will show you" and walks to the rail climbs over the edge and jumps. The other man looks over amazed as he watches the first man fall but around the 4th story the man suddenly stops in the air spins around and gets lifted by the wind back to the top of the Empire State building and say to the second man "see I told you"

The second man cant believe what he has seen and asked the first man to do it again. Same thing the first man jumps and right before he falls to his death he spins around and is lifted back up by the wind. Now the second guy is convinced. He takes a good swig of his drink and jumps...

he falls and falls and reaches 4th the story and keeps falling and goes SPLAT!!!!

The bartender says to the first guy

"You know Superman you are a real ass when you are DRUNK"

 

[Steve]

In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand. He approached her and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know me?'



She responded, 'Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you'll never amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you.'



The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?'



She again replied, ' Why yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone, and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him.'



The defense attorney nearly died.



The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench and, in a very quiet voice, said, 'If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I'll send you both to the electric chair.'

 

[Buster]

Quote:

 

[chickenmum]

Quote:
Are you sure the smiley thing shouldn't be saying "TOOT!"

 

[Steve]

"Late again," the third-grade teacher said to little Sammy.

"It ain't my fault this time, Miss Crabtree. You can blame this'un on my Daddy. The reason I'm three hours late is my Daddy sleeps naked!"

Now, Miss Crabtree had taught grammar school for thirty-some- odd years. Despite her mounting fears, she asked little Sammy what he meant by that.

Full of grins and mischief, and in the flower of his youth, little Sammy and trouble were old friends, but he always told her the truth.

"You see, Miss Crabtree, out at the ranch we got this here low down coyote. The last few nights, he done ate six hens and killed Ma's best milk goat. Last night, when Daddy heard a noise out in the chicken pen, he grabbed his shot gun and said to Ma, "That coyote's back again, I'm a gonna git him!''

"Stay back, he whispered to all us kids!"

"He was naked as a jaybird, no boots, no pants, no shirt! To the hen house he crawled, just like an Injun on the snoop. Then, he stuck that double barreled 12 gauge shot gun through the window of the coop."

"As he stared into the darkness, with coyotes on his mind, our old hound dog, Zeke, had done woke up and comes sneaking' up behind Daddy. Then, as we all looked on, plumb helpless, old Zeke stuck his cold nose in Daddy's crack!"

"Miss Crabtree, we all been cleanin' chickens since three o'clock this mornin'

 

[Steve]

An elderly gentleman...
Had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%
The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, 'Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again.'
The gentleman replied, 'Oh, I haven't told my family yet.
I just sit around an d listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!'

 

[n-da-woods]

Quote:
You da man !! You killing me!!