Contant Warning: Guilt, attempted suicide

[hispoptart]

My son is a young adult, 23 yrs old. He has suffered from depression for yrs and with that also became addicted to alcohol and drugs. When he was younger, I tried to get him help but he refused to cooperate, and I couldn't afford to force him into a treatment center. (Our mental health and substance abuse treatment places seem to be only for the rich) To be totally honest I also didn't want to believe things were as bad as they were.

Well January 31st changed my life forever. I received the next to worst phone call you could ever receive as a parent. It was 4:40 am and my phone rang from our only local hospital, which I happen to work at, and I happened to be getting ready to go to work. I thought to myself, " no one from my dept. should be there yet, who the heck is calling?" So, I answered it and it was the ER telling me my son was there.

The next words brought me to my knees, " Your son shot himself in the head". I didn't hear anything after that. I screamed for my husband and spit out what couple of words I could, and we raced to the ER. When we arrived, they brought us to him.

THANK GOD he was alive and conscious. He had missed as they said, but he was still missing a huge area of skin from his eyebrow to his hairline. The bullet had just grazed him, is what they said. He was taken to a larger hospital 2 hrs away and we met him there. He was put on suicide watch, stitched up and then taken to another hospital with psychiatric care. He spent 5 days there and went through detox. They released him a couple of days ago and he seems to be doing ok, he is getting outpatient care and is willing to go into their rehab once a bed opens up in a few weeks. I pray that he still feels that way when one opens up.

Now that you have the back story, how do I deal with my guilt? Why didn't I find a way to force him into treatment before he became an adult? Why did I wish to believe it wasn't as bad as it was? Why didn't I take away his gun and keep it? Why didn't I text him back that morning before he did it? See, he had texted me the night before, but I didn't see his text till 4am the morning of. I thought about texting him but thought I didn't want to wake him. He did what he did about 4:15am. If I just would have texted him, just maybe he would have put that gun down. I am trying to be there for him without smothering him, but I am just so scared that he will go back to the alcohol and drugs, and then be right back where he was a week ago and maybe he will succeed the next time.



Thank you for letting me vent

 

[Jeanna Marie]

You can't do any of that. No blaming yourself. No asking yourself what if and why questions. You simply have to accept that he made that choice and that his reasons are his own. You cannot force someone to get help or to get better and you cannot take all the blame either. It's a very difficult situation to be in. It's been 13 years since my ex husband attempted suicide and I still struggle with it. Sending lots of prayers up for y'all.

 

[chfriedmam]

Wow, my heart aches reading this. I have known that moment of panic. I'm so sorry. I am in my 50s, a night-shift nurse who misses calls and fails to return texts, mom to several young adult males. It's a constant dance, trying to be there for them and being accepting, hoping they will let me in and let me be involved in their lives while at the same time not being so accepting that I somehow communicate I have lowered my standards... ugh. You will be second thinking every second for a long time. It's PTSD. It's probably not even been long enough to really be PTSD, it's just normal coping. You have to replay it, think through the what-ifs. But the truth is, you were just living your life and doing the best you could, you loved him, you still love him, and thank G-d you have more chances to love him now.

I remember when my kids were babies. I have 7. I literally chanted to myself that as long as I did everything I was supposed to do, it wasn't my job to make them fall asleep. I had to talk myself out of being so invested in that little creature falling asleep and giving me a break! The only true advice I can give you, from having seen friends go through similar tough times, is to connect however you can and love your son and have good times. Do not get overly invested in whatever new shtick he's on, rehab or whatever because the sad truth is IF these things take, it takes several rounds usually for them to work. Give him and yourself some grace and maximize every moment.

 

[TwoShepherds]

My heart hurts for you. I'm so sorry that you and your family are going through this, but thankful that your son was not more seriously injured. You cannot blame yourself. If your son wasn't ready for help when you tried to get him treatment last time, perhaps he is ready now. Outpatient and rehab sound like such a positive direction for him.

 

[hispoptart]

Thanks all for your support, right now he seems to be doing ok. But I know all about how easy it can be to relapse, so I'm just trying to get by one day at a time. I go back to work tomorrow and I am dreading it. While I know everyone means well, I just don't want to have to deal with all the questions. I guess I need to take my own words I gave my son and apply it to me "You just survived the worst day of your life, you can only go up from here"

 

[little-beep]

@hispoptart -- Honey it's NOT YOUR FAULT

At the tail end of 2011 when I was 41 yrs old, I was contemplating suicide and was in a place of despondency. I had been horribly abused as a child -- I had gotten into alcohol from the age of 20 and got myself addicted to cigarettes & booze - it's all I thought about really .. But I held good jobs and dressed nice -- No one would've known. Because I was despondent but also knew from past experience that God is VERY real, I told Jesus (because He's really the only one we can really feel safe turning to no matter how much family or friends may care) that I was going to just go ahead and drink myself into the ground and I didn't want to live any longer after 40+ yrs of heartache, trouble, and men who were a disappointment! -- I was having multiple thoughts of driving my car into a MACK TRUCK..

Anyway, the day after I told Jesus that I was going to drink myself into the ground, I woke up and discovered that all my cravings for tobacco and the enormous amounts of alcohol I drank daily were GONE ................. I knew it was God who did it (who else would it have been? lol). Life still isn't easy when we give our lives to God - as a matter of fact, in some ways it can become more difficult - But with all the horrors He's brought me thru over the years, I can say this: He gives me peace, hope & joy in the midst of them.

This message is for you and your family. Be blessed and may God surround you with many angels.

 

[MeSing2u]

Hun,
I'm sorry you went through that. As a mom, I understand the pain you must have felt.
Others are right, you can't blame yourself.
I will say, as someone who has battled depression my whole life, just be there for him now. Let him know you love him and that he can talk to you about anything. I wonder if he would qualify for state insurance so he can receive rehabilitation and counseling for his depression?
I will remember you and your son in my prayers.
Cynthia

 

[Canina]

As someone who has been through a decade of therapy, still deals with chronic suicidal ideation/self harm due to borderline personality disorder and hasn't spoken to their family in years, make sure he is able to tell YOU about how he feels before talking to a professional. And please please please, I know you feel guilty but please be careful to make sure he knows you're not angry. He probably felt like a burden being alive but let him know he'd be far more of a burden dead.

I am not trying to make assumptions about you, all I have for reference is my own parents and they have never been able to understand what went wrong (and never will). Outpatient program and rehab sounds good. He might feel like he's been sent away as an inpatient and being involuntarily held can be traumatic in itself. He was using the drugs for a reason so make sure the right support is in place if the drugs are being taken away though to be honest pharmaceuticals aren't much better than street drugs as most of them started out as pharmaceuticals. Can't imagine how much that phone call and seeing him must have throw you through a loop but glad you've all got a second chance., it could be a fresh start.

I don't know what he texted you exactly and context is important ,but you had no way of knowing what he was going to do right then and there. I would have taken the gun (we don't even use those in my country) but unless you habitually ignore communication from him and it was literally the straw that broke the camel's back, I wouldn't feel bad.

What you just told us about wishing you had texted him back, he needs to hear that. You only didn't want to disturb him, it's not that you weren't interested or something like that.

 

[Happy hen lover]

Just love him, forgive yourself, thank God for second chances.
Don't spend time beating yourself up over the what ifs. He made choices that you couldn't control. Let him know how grateful you are he's still here. Support him, be proud of every accomplishments. Ask for forgiveness and let it GO. Nothing can change past, just a time waster. God's grace is for everyone honey.

 

[ChickenEnthusiast]

Very upsetting to hear, make sure you are always talking to him. Visit him often and ask him how he is feeling. You need to get it in his head that you are there for him no matter what the circumstances are. Make him know that you love him. It saddens me to see so many young adults commit suicide due to drugs.