Dad is dying...need advice please...

[Momagain1]

I have no advice, just a big, BIG hug!!!

 

[Laurieks]

I'd tell him (in a letter if you don't get to see him) everything you ever wanted to say.... so that years down the road you don't find yourself wishing you had told him this or that. I lost my dad 15 (omg has it really been that long?!?) years ago, & there are still things coming up that I wish we'd discussed.
Whatever happens, please don't blame yourself.

 

[Carols Clucks]

May I suggest that venting to your father his wrong doings will not reverse the past. You can choose to stay in the past or take a big breath, throw the hurts of the past to the wind and start fresh today. Remember to look forward and only consider the good from the past. You can't change it and chances are, he thought he was doing the best thing.

Take this from a daughter who works to leave the past in the past and as a former daughter in law to a man who vented at his mother and had it eat up him, his wife, his sisters and his mother.

If you can, go see your dad, make a good memory to take home with you.

 

[welsummerchicks]

You said either make a dying man feel small at the end of his life or live with these things the rest of your life.

I would respond that there are other options. Say you don't have a big 'you were a bad dad' scene with your dad toward the end of his life, it doesn't follow that your only other option is to have it eating away privately at you for the rest of your life.

Unhappy memories do NOT have to eat away at you or fester just because the people involved don't change or give you what you need. Your emotional needs can be met by OTHER people - people YOU choose because they have the capacity and ability to be kind and to care. You can go to a support group. You can talk to friends, other relatives. You can find a wonderful person to share your life with. You can have a family. You do NOT have to be destroyed because your father was a jerk.

You seem to assume that your DAD has some sort of key to your happiness. He doesn't. Your happiness is up to you to create and nurture and build. It's always up to EVERYONE to do that, but because your dad was so absent from your life, I think you've lost sight of that.

You can meet your own emotional needs. You can learn how to care for your own feelings and fill your own needs. You do not need to be miserable forever or even now, because your dad was a jerk. What makes you happy? Find out and do it. What kind of person shows the warmth and attention to you that you missed from your dad? Find that person and bask in that warmth. Enjoy being loved and giving love to others. Why? Because you deserve it. As does every person. There is nothing you are required to do to make yourself 'worthy'.

First of all, those 'confrontations' with this sort of person tend to be every bit as frustrating and unsatisfying as the life you have already experienced with them. There are very few 'On Golden Pond' moments outside of the movies. Any attempt you make to get closure with them tends to have exactly the same problems you've experienced before. EVEN IF there are a few 'On Golden Pond' moments in the discussion, they are very unlikely to make you feel better for long. Why? Because they are like putting a bandaid on all that's bottled up in you.

Nor does it follow that your dad was distant because he didn't care about you. People often feel so guilty when they mess up, they have a need to flee from their worst mistakes and the only way they can function, go to work and pay the rent is by getting away from those things. Some people have very limited ability to come to terms with themselves and what they have done. They aren't trying to be mean to you at all, they just aren't very able to cope with issues and problems.

I have a relative like that. Her only way to cope with the family chaos was to move as far away as possible, start a new family, stay very busy at work. Any time I try to discuss anything that happened she gets mad at me and then I don't hear from her for months. Because of something wrong with me? No. Because she was never able to face the problems in the family. I could give many examples, but her basic way of coping was to avoid everything and anything.

She even continued the pattern of the family of playing one relative off against the other - for the rest of her life. So she was nice to one sibling and ignored the other. I've often heard from her other sibling who has suffered for years that she is ignored and treated like dirt. But it has nothing to do with who she is or if she deserves kindness or not. What it means is that this gal is so limited and rigid that all she can do is replay the events and patterns from those early days. Of course SHE is sure she has it all managed and is coping better than anyone else!

So it doesn't always follow that someone is distant because of not caring about you. Some people just have limitations in how able they are to face issues. They simply are very limited in their ability to deal with things. Their answer is to distance themselves. Their limitations are not overcome by their love for their family. Why? Because of something lacking in you? No. Because they simply aren't able.

Typically, such people refuse all counseling and therapy. They simply avoid the issues. Because they avoid help, they never get any other opinions from experts that would challenge their method. Even if they did, I doubt that they would change. They simply lack that ability.

WHY? Well, some of it is, I believe, inborn. A lot of it, they learned when THEY were young.

SO WHAT DO YOU DO?

I'm going to give you some advice.

Stop thinking that if you do A, your dad will do B and you will be happy. Stop expecting him to be something he is not. Stop trying to get him to give you what you need. Just relax.

Do what you can to spend time with your dad. I'm not 100% convinced he's at death's door based on the information provided(relatives don't always understand medical information), but whether he is or not, you do what you need to do to spend time with him.

Ignore the non-returned phone calls. Try again. Keep pushing. DO NOT turn the conversations into 'look at how miserable I am because of you'. Tell him about what you're doing today. Tell him about the things you've succeeded at. Tell him about doing things you enjoy. Tell him your strengths. Don't ask him for advice. Don't expect him to be bubbly warm or fix what came before. Just spend time with him.

If he is abusive, if he insults you and calls you names or ignores you or ridicules you, restrict the amount of time to brief visits with a purpose- give him a sweater or slippers, update him on your wedding plans. Then leave. Keep it brief. Don't discuss the past. If he brings it up, let him do so. Listen but say little.

When he passes, go to his funeral. There is a REASON human beings developed funerals. The funeral isn't chiefly for the dead. It is for the living. It gives them a time to grieve and to cry. People need that. That funeral will give you more closure than any 100 talks with your dad.

Be prepared to 'Ride the Rollercoaster' after. What I mean is you're bound to feel angry and sad and up and down and all over the place. You'll be alright, but it will take some time.

Stop worrying about what other people do. Worry about what you do. Hold your head up, and don't look to other people to fulfill you or take away what happened to you. What happened is just another part of you. You'll think about those times often. You won't forget what happened, and it will always hurt a little bit, but as you build your own life it won't hurt so much and the anger will fade away and be replaced by the good things you do and the people you love and who actually are able to express their love to you. As you get older, you'll learn to emphasize the things you learned from your family and who you are today and in the future. You'll be able to sigh and say, 'unfortunately dad was a limited person', but you won't have to be.

 

[terrilhb]

 

[Dowie]

Well, we are also emotional creatures, and we just have to allow ourselves to grieve and be angry when situations are bad. Then we can reflect and grow and learn and accept. I think the fundamental problem is that your father has, in essence, rejected you. And you are understandably feeling cut out of the last period of his life. Expect to be upset, it's ok. You can't change his behaviour - but nor can you change, for now, your emotions. What child in this situation would not be upset?

You are going through a hard time. Then when you've vented (which may take a while) and let yourself be angry/upset/hurt, you'll return full circle to your signature line...life is one rich pageant, sometimes hard, sometimes sublime.

 

[sheila3935]

I wish I had the answers for you. My dad was not a great dad growing up. There was some good times and he taught me alot of common sense. But he was an alcoholic, so there was a lot of bad times. When I grew up and had kids he was a great grandfather we got close in the last years. It will be 11 years May 19th since I lost my dad. Not a day goes by that I dont think about him. I say go to him tell him you love him. Dont bring up any of the past. For all you know he may not be getting the messages he girlfriend may be erasing them from the answering machine or if cell phone from his voice mail. I dont want you to have any regrets for not going to him. Then you will know you did what you could and not ask yourself why didnt I... Sending you BIG

I know this is hard.

 

[3goodeggs]

I used to dream that they were sitting in a chair in the dark with a spot light on them and I was laying it on. I circled that chair and spewed out all of the injustices, and i would tell them that they were their own worst enemy and if they would just stop undermining everything all the time... and then I would realise that they were ignoring me. Then I would wake up. Eventually I figured out that dream. it was a recurring dream weekly for years and years.
they would never listen.
because in real life, for whatever reason, they can't.

You did tell him how you felt. I did tell them how I felt. they heard us. but they ignored us. for whatever reason.
they did not hear then, or in my dreams, and they won't hear now. They don't want to. for whatever reason. They do not want to be happy. I can not make them happy. you can not make him happy. let it be. live your life. make yourself happy.

letting him 'know' won't fix anything, and he won't hear it anyway. some people never grow up. When the child is more mature than the parent it is really difficult for the child. we have this innate idea that 'older' means 'wiser'. but sometimes the child understands cause and effect better than the parent. we watch detrimental behavior and can do nothing about it. I watch my father waste his life. An intelligent, strong handsome man with the world by the tail...and he just could not cope. and it is no longer my fault or responsibility. I said so. and I finally mean it.
leave it be. tell him you are there if he needs you, and let it go. easier said than done. hope dies the hardest and hurts the worst.

you are not alone. the world is filled with this sort of thing. I wish it were different.

 

[Dowie]

Quote:
Wise and beautiful words.

 

[lockedhearts]

I am sorry you have to deal with this. We here do not know the entire situation. I understand you were hurt by the past, I would be too, I love my Daddy with all my heart. The past is just that, the past, we can not change it, or fix it at this point. Telling him how you felt/feel , that is your decision, can you live with it if you do not say anything, will it change anything if you do?

Parents, as much as we as their children would like to think otherwise, are not perfect. Kids do not come with manuals and parents make mistakes.

My own father did not know how to deal with us as kids, he was an only child, he was not allowed to play with other kids outside of school. This was not his fault, he still did what he could for us, he worked hard and he loved us, in his own way.

My Great-Grandfather was a complete jerk, he picked on us , did things that were just horrible. I dreaded being around him, he treated my father like garbage, because he hated my grandfather. But when he was dieing, I went to the hospital, I told him I Loved Him ( I did, I just did not like him at all) and I felt better for doing it. Saying how I felt all those years as a kid, it would not have changed him.

Do what you feel needs to be done, personally I would go and visit him, I would spend the time you can and let go of the past.