Daughter broke up with boyfriend and I'm the one depressed!

[connie1966]

I dont think meds and therapy are necessary
Its a loss of a family member like a death just takes time to let go especially this time of year. My x son in law has remained single that makes me sad.. maybe when he will be with someone new it will help me let go knowing hes compmetely ok.

 

[catsndogs]

Hi Connie:

I have to respectfully disagree with your latest post. Do you really believe that the death of a family member or the loss of a loved one for whatever reason is not serious enough to cause a person to become depressed and/or anxious? I speak from very personal experience---having been widowed at age 35 and left with a small child to raise on my own. I had so many feelings to deal with---the least of which was "he's just not here anymore," so yes, I relied on therapy and medication to get me through that difficult time. I choose to rely on these methods again, now. Some people can become so debilitated by depression that they can't even get out of bed---much less have the energy to implement any self-care routines for themselves. This is where meds can be helpful---since they can give your brain that boost so that you WANT to take care of yourself again---and then maybe you can wean off of them eventually. That said, I know that my experience of grief might not be the same as yours---but in the end---I think we have to trust the professionals that we seek for care---and give some of these tools a chance.

 

[cherylluz]

Hi BLBNKER,

Thanks so much for your post and helpful advice. I do have a way of worrying about things before they happen and getting all worked up and anxious about it. Taking things day by day and not perseverate on things that are yet to come. I also have begun taking my antidepressants again (after being off them for several years) and that has definitely helped. I don't burst into tears whenever I think about my daughter's ex now (although I still feel melancholy, and think of him often and wonder how he's doing). I don't say anything to my daughter about him anymore or how I feel about it, because she just get's upset with me, so I have to make myself stay out of her "love life." She has moved on to a new relationship and seems happy. I've met her new beau several times now, and he seems nice enough, but I can't help but think that he's not for her. However, I'm trying to keep my thoughts on her new relationship to myself and focus on other things in my life. I need to support her and stay out of it. This experience has taught me that I cannot immerse myself in my daughter's relationships to the extent that I did with her ex. So, I am trying to distance myself emotionally from her new relationship. Thank you again for your kind words - it's extremely helpful to know that others have gone through this and that I'm not a total wacko! Please keep my updated on your progress - Happy New year everyone!

 

[whensitover]

I am going through this now. My daughter has dated the same boy for SIX years! They started dating when they were 12 and he was 13. They remained exclusive all through highschool. His family has become our family. We have SO many memories with them,with him. But he chose to go off pipelining and she thought it would be temporary, but it has become his life and he wants her to just "wait" for him, so to speak but she doesn't want to do that anymore. She said it has changed him and she no longer knows who he is. She still loves him, and he has told her he has no interest in being single, and he doesn't want to lose her, but I think there is way more to this. I am heartbroken, it's all I can think about. I know she is said but she is not saying much. I feel like I have lost a son, everybody that knows them always thought they were the perfect couple.

 

[catsndogs]

To Cherylluz:

Your latest post really resonated with me. Your experience seems so similar to mine. My daughter has moved on to someone else as well, but I haven't met this guy yet, since it's still pretty new. He sounds nice, from what she has said, so I hope it works out for her. She's being kinda quiet with me about this guy---which really breaks my heart---but I know why she is doing it. I was too involved in her last relationship, and she flat out told me that when I interjected my opinions, it messed with her head---and she no longer trusted herself. It makes me feel terrible that I did that to my daughter, when all I THOUGHT I was doing was being helpful. It's so hard to know when to keep quiet....

So, like you, I am trying to distance myself as well. I try to stay busy with other things and focus on my life and my friends. But knowing that there are other people who have felt the same way has been a tremendous help. I was too embarrassed to admit my feelings to anyone---and I still am---except here. I even kinda danced around it with my therapist. I was starting to feel like I was a good subject for a Lifetime movie...

Thank you everyone!

 

[cherylluz]

Hi Mummahuds!

I guess we can all go crazy together - lol! One of my daughters has Asperger's Syndrome too. She's been with the same boyfriend (who also has AS) for 5 years now and they are so good together. I pray they don't breakup - crying over my other daughter's ex-boyfriend is taking a lot out of me, so I can't handle another breakup right now!

cherylluz

 

[cherylluz]

Hi catsndogs!

I hear you about being in a Lifetime movie - LOL! It has been very therapeutic for me to read all the posts of other moms experiencing this same issue. I really did think I was going crazy and that I was the only one who had these kind of feelings. I was way too embarrassed to talk with anyone about this as well (until I found this site).

Thank you everyone!

cherylluz

 

[cherylluz]

Dear whensitover,

Yes, I felt the same exact way as you - heartbroken. I thought my daughter was happy in the relationship, so when she ended it, it was kind of a shock to me. He had become like the son I never had, and I thought that they were perfect together (as did others). I'll admit that I even had "visions of weddings" in my head, but apparently I really didn't know that something was amiss in their relationship. Thinking back, perhaps my daughter didn't talk with me about the impending breakup because she knew how much I liked him and she didn't want to let me down. Who really knows I guess - she doesn't want to discuss it with me, and no matter how many times I dissect the situation in my head (trying to figure out what went wrong and "fix" things) the bottom line is that she's moved on, and I really have to force myself to also. I'm still very sad and it isn't easy, but it's getting better day by day...

cherylluz

 

[mummahuds]

Hi Cherylluz,
Lol I know! They broke up on the day after New Year's Day... I knew it was coming. Having trouble supporting my daughter because I am so upset myself, and in trouble with the rest of the family because I am still in contact with him. They think I'm a complete weirdo! It's so lonely.
Soooo stressful!! Just want Ellie to meet someone new though now. It seems as though dating someone else on the spectrum has worked for your daughter? I think that was ultimately the problem - too complicated and too many issues. Xx

 

[mummahuds]

It's things like his place at the dinner table, isn't it? It will be his place for a long time! Then there's days out that he was supposed to be coming on, or other stupid little things. I can't stop wondering what he's doing or whether he's ok. Just can't think of his life going on without us... Even I think I'm a bit crazy now so it has to stop!! St. John's wort is helping me with the crying!