Daughter broke up with boyfriend and I'm the one depressed!

[Am I mad 66]

Me too. My daughter has split from her husband of 3 years. We loved him and wanted them to be happy. I'm so upset and I know it isn't about me. Think I'm going mad! X

 

[connie1966]

Your not going mad its not about us but we were involved in their lives we open our home and out heart to them ofcourse its going to affect us

 

[connie1966]

Well i sent him an email short and sweet and he sent me back a full page of the harshest words up until new years eve i was crying for him all day.. Anyway ladies i will certainly try to move on at this point, its still hard for me to beleive that sweet loving boy could be so angry and cruel towards me ..anyway im embaressed im hurt ..so try not to dwell on this too much they move on and so should we

 

[mixed emotions]

I am soooo glad to have found this forum. My daughter and her boyfriend broke up 6 days before Christmas and I haven't stopped crying since. One would think I was the one in love with him! Thank you all for sharing your experiences. Now I know I'm not the only one with these feelings.

He was my daughter's first boyfriend and although they were only together for a year he felt like family to me as he spent a lot of time at our house. Even though there were things I was worried about from the beginning... He was 3 years older then her - he was leaving in September to go to University (4 hours away) - his mom never liked my daughter (the fact she was too young - I understood) but the two of them seemed so in love and he was such a sweet and caring guy we all watched their relation bloom. My husband and I just fell in love with him despite the warning signs.

Since September, I drove her up to his Univ some weekends so they can see each other and he came into town to visit occasionally as well. But the day he came back into town for Christmas holidays, he planned an evening going to his friend's house party and told her to come along. She was hurt that he didn't want to spend time alone with her before seeing his friends but she went with him for his sake only to be left on her own most of the night while he partied with his friends. She felt so unimportant and alone she finally called her friend to pick her up and left the party. Then an hour later she called him and said they should break up and he said it was probably for the best. The sad part was he agreed to breakup and I wonder if his behaviour was due to something my daughter did or said. I go through days where I want to yell at him for doing this to her but spend most days crying that they aren't together and wondering if she gave up too soon. That was the last they spoke. She still has his Christmas presents in the closet. I feel like I need closure (I mean they need closure) but she got rid of all his photos in her room and on Facebook because it was too painful to be reminded of him. I noticed he got rid of his photos of her from his FB.

I wondered and cry everyday if he's ok and how he's taking all this. If he's forgotten her completely or just too proud to do something. We use to text each other to say things like happy birthday or he would thank me for having him over for dinner and the last text I still have on my phone is that he loved my daughter. I don't have the heart to delete it. I want to text him now and see how he's feeling but I don't want to interfere but I can't stop thinking about it!!!! I'm going crazy.. I want to move on but I want closure! I'm sorry for writing a novel here and thank you if you've read this this far.

 

[BayBay Peepers]

Sounds like his actions were showing he wasn't going to put your daughter ahead of college fun. He's just not ready for a commitment. As hard as it is for you I would not bother messaging him, but just make sure your daughter is alright. Sounds like so far she's dealing well, but somethings take a little more time to move on from.

I know most people don't like to hear this, but time heals most wounds and there are indeed plenty of fish in the sea. She will find someone who is equally dedicated to her

 

[Am I mad 66]

I completely empathise with you. What is it about us mothers who take the break up so personally, as if it is us who have been let down? And like you, I've thought I was crazy and wondered if I was in love with him. It is taking time (2 months for us) but getting a little better and fewer days when I grieve for what is lost. I wonder if it is because we haven't experienced the hurt first hand that we forgive so easily and only see what has been lost? It helps to know that my daughter is happier than she has been for a long time and that is what should be the priority.

Someone also suggested to me today that I write down the things he has done - that has helped And has put things into perspective - he is not the perfect person we thought he was and he didn't put our daughter first.

Don't apologise for your essay - if it helps to get it out of your system keep doing it. Reading your message and everyone else's helps me. And I'm glad your daughter is moving on. That's what is important.

Xx

 

[connie1966]

I agree!! I feel free now! I mourned for 1 1/2 years for a boy who has moved on and doesnt care about me at all anymore i feel so stupid! I will work on my relationship with my daughter now and i will try to be more accepting of her new boyfriend and i will also get a life and focus on me and never again get involved in her love life

 

[Am I mad 66]

But remember, one minute we feel so strong and then we see or hear something which brings the pain acutely back. I think we are grieving - it is a huge loss when you have shared your life with someone for so long. Last night I felt obsessed by the whole thing, tonight better.

And I think you are right. Does the boyfriend / partner / husband feel anything at all for us? I guess very little, or at least not to the extent that they grieve like we do.

Power to the bereaved mothers of daughters' relationships.

Xx

 

[connie1966]

I cant even begin to tell you how cruel his email was i cant even look at it its so disturbing , it killed me but im so thankfull now that i can finally move on ! Never again!!

 

[mixed emotions]

Thank you for your responses. I am already starting to feel the road to recovery with your words...

To Bay Bay Peppers, as hard as it is for me to come to terms with this I think you're right in that he's put his friends before my daughter despite all promises he made to her. It's probably best not to message him… for one my daughter would probably never forgive me and second I would fear to hear what he would say. Thank you, we all need a reminder that time heals and there are plenty of fish in the sea - I just have to stop thinking he was THE one for her.

To I Am Mad 66, I take EVERYTHING personally like I did something wrong somehow. You are so right... I wasn't there at the party where he ignored her and left her alone by herself and feeling terrible that her boyfriend she faithfully waited for to come home didn't even care to see her. What I've been thinking about were all the good times they had at my house when they were laughing, cuddling and in love and that's what I've been crying over. I was picturing the guy I knew before he left to Univ and she was mature enough to realize he's not the same guy she knew. I'm happy to hear your daughter is happier then she's been in a long time. Our daughters deserve someone that puts them first!

I have family pictures with him in it from my daughter's birthday that breaks my heart when I see him but I can't throw them away because my entire family are in it… perhaps I'll store them away until it doesn't hurt anymore.

To connie1966, your story was an inspiration to my recovery. Your daughter and her x boyfriend had a long standing relationship much longer then our x BF so don't feel stupid for feeling the way you did. It gives me hope to hear you are finally feeling free, focusing on yourself and your relationship with your daughter. I can't imagine the terrible words he wrote to you but it sounds like he isn't the same person as he use to be either. Maybe our daughters have more insight into the human soul then we do? Right now, I don't want my daughter to have a new boyfriend for at least a few years but I can't control her. However, I too will never get involved again in her love life!