Daughter broke up with boyfriend and I'm the one depressed!

[blbnker]

I'm back!! It really blows my mind that there are so many of us going through this! My son and his GF had gotten back together and moved in together. Now he has moved out to his own place and is "seeing" someone else. His ex has some mental illness (bipolar) and I know she was very hard to live with and he was not happy. However, for some crazy reason I love like my own daughter and i can't just walk away from her. She is frantic that she will lose me and my husband but so angry at my son and she wants us to be angry too. I will never disown or stop loving my son and we talk frequently. He is OK with us helping her during this time but I am so stressed out. In the fall I went to therapy and am still on anti-depressants, which I think helps but I can feel the anxiety building. I really have no interest in meeting this new girl and I feel bad for that and am hoping I can heal my heart enough to at least give her a chance.
The good thing is that my son seems happy and more relaxed than I have seen him in a while. i really don't think they should be together but i just want them both to be happy. She is making him out to be the bad guy and that bothers me but I just listen and try to just let her vent. i want her to meet someone else and be happy.
I know I am rambling but it feels good!!!!! Thanks again for listening. Maybe we should charter a cruise and all get together.

 

[Sally66]

Hi everyone,

I'm so glad I found this link; as I feel like I'm going mad and nobody else would be feeling the way I do, over a matter like this. My daughter has been with her boyfriend for nearly four years. They are both quite young; but he's lived with us for nearly three of those years. I love him like a son; he's a nice young man and we have plenty in common. My daughter is very difficult and part of the reason he lives with us; is because she made things so difficult with his family and he was asked to leave. Now, she's saying the relationship is over and she wants him to go; she says this frequently and then changes her mind. But I do feel he will leave sometime soon. They are both (cool) with this; but I feel devastated. I lost my daughter several years ago; she is Autistic and got too ill to live at home and now lives in a care setting and that devastated me. I also lost a stillborn baby. My older son lives with us; but I barely see him, as he's always at his girlfriends and she dont like me. But to loose my daughter's boyfriend, just feels like another loss. I thought he'd be my son-in-law and the father of my grandchildren. I do resent my daughter, as truthfully most of their problems are trivial by her own making and she can be very cruel and vindictive. If he didnt live with us; I think they might have split up a long time ago. She blames me for getting too attached; bringing him into our home; although she wanted that initially. I would never just throw him out; I'd wait for him to find somewhere. But truthfully, I dont want him to go. I work discretely in the background trying to sort them out, but I'm wasting my time; she just dont want him and I cant understand why. The waiting for him to eventually leave is soul destroying for me I will miss him so much. She once even accused me of being in love with him; but I'm not. He's like a son to me. I know it's her life and her mistakes to make, her relationship; but I'm just so angry with her. I will NEVER get so attached to a prospective in-law again. No matter who she eventually ends up with; it wont be the one I hoped it would.

 

[Coffeeluvr]

Hi all,

It is very interesting/ sad how many of us moms are affected by this situation. At least we've found this site to vent on.

My daughter also once accused me of acting like it was my breakup. I knew people would think that, which is why I kept my feelings to myself for so long. I believe that she now knows that it's more the loss of a person who was (will always be) a member of our family.

Plus, they were so relaxed, honest and could be themselves 100% when they were together. He knew that was rare. She is now realizing it, I think.

She survived spring break in Mexico (one guy did overdose and die) and she's gradually learning more about who she wants to be.

My other daughter went to visit her this weekend and got introduced to the college party life. Fuuny thing is- what I hoped most is that it provided a great snapchat story for my daughter's ex to watch. And she did make her story about it. I just really hope her ex has seen it, and that seeing my kids together (doing stuff we had talked about) made him miss her and our family.

But then I feel a little guilty and selfish.

The last few weeks I've also found comfort in a weird outlet - Google images search.

I typed in my daughter's name purely to see if any inappropriate pictures appeared. There weren't any. However, her ex boyfriend's Twitter picture popped up about 5 pictures below hers.

The only social media links between them (besides mutual friends) would be old Facebook relationship status (she closed that account at least 2 years ago), his name on her instagram profile (also deleted a year ago) and that she follows him on her new Facebook account.

Their mutual friends' images are much lower down on the images ranking.

I played around with tons of different connections- and their Twitter images are always closely linked. His name is really, really common. And hers is the same as a very famous celebrity. Yet if I search for his first name and our last name- his image pops up first.

I can also type in a name of one of his new friends from college plus my daughter's name, and her ex's image appears.

If I type in the name of his current girlfriend, my daughter's twitpic appears (about 20 pics down)

I asked a friend who is an IT specialist and he agreed with my perception. It would appear that my daughter and her ex are both keeping very close watch on each other (both of them).

My friend doesn't think snapchat alone would do it, because of where Google pulls their data from. Plus, I am 100% sure of at least two mutual friends that they each snapchat, and their stuff isn't appearing on my images search. My friend checked it on his computer too, so I'm not the common denominator.

Do I now win the "crazy" award of us all?

Healthy or not, this is what I do to keep myself from falling into that awful, awful rabbit hole of despair and depression. I'm still sad and near tears a lot. I wish I could say that has gone away. A year ago I wasn't eating or sleeping, so this is better.

All my instincts just keep telling me to have faith. I try to maintain logical, long term perspective. But it's just so hard most of the time.

It is just still so wrong to me that they aren't talking. So, I'll take whatever comfort I can in the social media link. As long as it lasts.

I haven't checked his facebook in a month, so I'm proud of that. He is still "friends" with my niece on facebook, though. I'll wait until summer break to check on that.

My guess is that he will only be home briefly this summer. Last summer (many months post breakup) he told my daughter that she was the only reason he would hang around home. Otherwise, he was done here. Overly dramatic, but probably some truth to it.

Sigh, I do wonder how this story will end........

Thanks for reading and I wish all of you happier days.

Coffeeluvr

 

[helena2000]

Hi Coffeeluvr,


I haven't written in a while but I have read all your posts. Sorry that you are still upset over your daughter and her ex. And glad that you find posting here makes you feel better. I have no advice for you and I don't think you are crazy. If checking social media and googling him makes you feel better, you should continue to do it. It's like a guilty pleasure. No one has to know unless you want them to. I am following your story as a warning to myself to not get too attached to my daughter's boyfriend. I find it really really easy to "fall in love", so to speak, with her bf if I let myself. How can I resist? He is the first boy who has the good sense to realize what a treasure my daughter is. Not to mention how perfect he is!



They are officially dating now. This after a huge fight they had over the "agreement" the bf made with his bff (the junior boy who has or had feelings for my daughter) -- the two of them agreed to resume their friendship with the condition that the bff cuts off his friendship with my daughter and never ever puts a finger on her! My daughter was furious and didn't speak to her bf for a few days until he apologized for "acting a little too possessive". Not that he regretted it -- I saw him push the bff away when the bff tried to put his arm around my daughter for a picture. This happened literally behind her back, so she didn't notice. She is both appalled and thrilled by her bf's aggressive behavior. She says that she falls a little more in love with him after each fight they have. Hmmm... does this sound like a healthy relationship to you?



She is literally driving him to distraction though. His grades have fallen. Before meeting her, he was a straight A student tracked into the highest level classes. Now he doesn't even do his homework. He has a tutor but that doesn't help because he understands everything, just can't be bothered. Now his parents are threatening to make him break up with her and send him to boarding school! Honestly, boarding school is not a bad idea. Just don't know how he would take it... teenagers can be so overly dramatic. He worships her. He thinks she is the most beautiful girl he has ever seen. The most popular, the smartest, the most perfect, etc. Btw, he is still getting hit on all the time even though he has officially declared my daughter "his girl" on his insta. He is annoyed by all the attention he gets from random girls he doesn't care to know. My daughter is amused and flattered that her bf is such a girl magnet

We'll see where this goes... really hope his grades improve...



Please continue to post. I read all your posts even though I really don't know how to help you

 

[Coffeeluvr]

Hi Helena,

Thanks for your kind thoughts.

I do envy the stage you're in right now...they can be overly dramatic and obsessive, huh? And I agree, it doesn't sound like a super healthy relationship. More like an addictive one, maybe? But, I think that the "A" type, highly successful achiever personalities have that tendency. They have an amazing drive and focus. Boarding school might not help, though. That might really flip the guy out if he loses that much control. He sounds pretty passionate .

I sincerely wish you luck at keeping your distance. I was aware at the beginning of their relationship that I needed to do that. She had briefly been in a relationship with a different guy (ex-bf's best friend since kindergarten) at the very beginning of their freshman year. About 3 mos in, they did some major fooling around one night. He stopped talking to her a few days later and then they broke up. That was the first time I felt emotional about this stuff, and I assumed it was just some PTSD from my own high school disasters. I was anxious, but spent hours with my daughter every night trying to help her process it, and not let it destroy her self esteem. I was sad for her, and didn't want her to go through the same stupid mistakes I did.

So, she was still really good friends with the guy I miss so much ( they went out for a month for the first time in 8th grade). She talked to him a lot about the guy that dumped her (which I discouraged, but she did it anyway). And they stayed friends through his break up (which occurred a month later) with his recurrent, loss of virginity ex that cheated on him.

Now this gets funnier- the loss of virginity ex pursues the PTSD ex (to get even with my daughter and to get even with the guy I miss - remember, these guys had been best friends). And she succeeds!

3 months later, PTSD guy dumps this girl, about a week before my daughter and the guy I miss make it official.

Funny story- Good enough for a movie, huh?

Anyway, I thought I had learned my lesson about keeping my distance from these guys. And I thought I was doing well. I never started conversations with him. I would engage when he started, but I tried to be an aunt type figure. He wasn't needing another mom. A few times I caught my daughter looking irritated that he was talking with me, but he just really liked learning stuff from people. I actually feel like I was kind of cold a lot. Although I do have a distinct memory of thinking to myself , 'I will always thank this guy for pulling me out of my PTSD/ depression and giving me faith again'.

I think what I would warn you to be aware of is how often their relationship is in your thoughts. At some point I realized that every single morning, I would wake up and think, "He REALLY loves her. And the world is a good place today." And when terrible, tragic things would occur at work (medical field), I would remind myself that everything is going to be ok. He loved my daughter. He would keep her safe. They genuinely cared about and supported each other.

And I always had to ask if he'd be there for dinner, so I could anticipate and prepare. And I wouldn't be in my bikini or pajamas....

It creeps up on you. And it's fun, happy and unbelievably inspiring/ provides faith in the future. I believe it's what we moms are hard wired to support. Especially when it's healthy and they both become better people as a result.

No matter how hard I prepared myself during their senior year (of course he played football and she was a cheerleader), I never, ever thought they would completely stop talking to each other. That was NEVER supposed to happen. They had been close friends since they were 13.

My world crashed and it completely sucks. Her ex would be speechless if he knew what a mess I am. But, I hide it pretty well- most days.

Anyhow - I hope my daughter learns something about relationships with her new athlete dude. I guess he told her, "you're all mine" recently. But they aren't official because "it's college, ya know.." I suspect that this guy, as a future pro, has to be very aggressive. She says he's polite and humble, but I don't believe it. And I truly want it to crash and burn. The whole topic of this guy makes my stomach hurt. I don't talk to her about it - she tells her sister. I do not want to have any part of her future love life.

I really thought I was supporting my daughter when she needed me. But at some point I became attached. And now I can't support either her or her ex being with different people. I know it's selfishness and not loyalty. But I just can't do it. It just goes against my very core being.

Please keep me updated on your story. It actually helps me a lot for some reason. Probably just realizing that a lot of moms do this. As Connie1966 said -we just care too much.

I hope you're having fun . Really...

Coffeeluvr

 

[connie1966]

Hey guys ! I just found out my daughters ex is in a depression thinks he's dying won't go out, and apparently still mourning my daughter! It's almost three years they broke up.. my heart is broken for him , he's apparently very thin it's so freakin sad

 

[Coffeeluvr]

Hi Connie,

I'm so sorry to hear that.

I would imagine that opened a floodgate of emotions again. How do you feel about it? It's so hard to know whether it would help or hurt more if you reached out to him.

And you thought he had truly moved on, didn't you?

I guess there's a reason you're still sad, too. There are a few relationships in our lives that can be excruciatingly painful when they end.

It's just not right.

Again, I'm so sorry.

Coffeeluvr

 

[AngelaThomas]

I am going through a similar situation. My 14 year old daughter just broke up with her boyfriend that has been involved with her for the last three years they did have break ups but he always seemed to weasel his way back in. Sadly I have helped him get her back. This break up was forced on her he just didn't show her interest and he started to withdraw from us. MY daughter is very happy that the relationship is over. They are two opposite people. She is very motivated and he is not. His family life is not good that is why I became so attached. We did a lot of stuff together made so many memories with the two of then.I would give him money for food or milk when they were out while his parents were separated and she was away with her new boyfriend. I put myself as his protector and his mother. I truly love him like a son.We even hung out while my daughter was at practice or waiting for her to be done with whatever she was doing. I need help on getting over him I just care so much about him. And I miss him deeply

 

[connie1966]

I'm heartbroken can't stop crying , yes I did think he had moved on , I thought about contacting him but like you said it could make it worse .. Il never completely get over this he was like my son

 

[connie1966]

Oh angel trust me I get it!! It's almost three years and I still can't get over it but it gets better , you get use to living without them but nothing has been the same for me since he's out of my life