Daughter's boyfriend is choking her...need advice please

[mordarlar]

You sound like FANTASTIC parents to me. She came to you. You talked rationally and calmly to her, expressed your concerns, reminded her that you are a safe place to go with concerns in the future...really very good parenting there IMHO.

My daughter is the same age and also in a long term relationship. During a rough patch for them we had them both sit and talk with us. They both thank us years later for that because it helped them sort things out in a safe way. Maybe this would work here.

Good luck...

 

[Camelot Farms]

If you have to ask, you know there is a problem.

I worked with victims of Domestic Violence. The majority of batterers 'seemed sweet', thats part of their MO.

She needs to visit with a Domestic Violence program and get some info from them. There may be other behaviors that she is simply not identifying.

In the meantime she should not be alone with him.

I'm worried and I have seen it 'all'

 

[Cindiloohoo]

Quote:
Heck I dunno I still wanna know why some of those little 'dark' creatures wear those sock thingies on their arms because they think it's cool? SO NOT COOL! Boys wear make up....UGH...I forget if I was ever that stupid...I sure hope not! DD had bruises all up and down her arm when this kid stayed the night...so did the other girl

They're complete dorks. They say "WHAT?!?! It's FUN!"

Okaaaaaaay...not my idea of fun, but whatever

Oh, and this "Emo Flop" hair...I want to know why there too while we're at it.

ETA: I did grow up with a VERY physically abusive male parent...this just seems like innocent stupidity. Keep an eye open for other signs, but don't just write this boy off as a nutjob so quickly. I'd talk to DD more, she seems well grounded, and has a great support system. She may still be naive, but if she is explained the implications of what this could be, she will be able to recognize if it is serious danger or not. She's 17, make her aware, and ask lots of questions.

 

[NoseyChickens]

1st be thankful she came to you. Then contact her father and the school especially if it happened on school grounds. Unless she is willing to make a statement I'm not sure how much help the police will be unless there are marks on her.

I spent a year and a half of my time in highschool dating a controlling abusive drug addicted boy. My parents had no idea. They actually hired him to work for them. It starts out small and gets much much worse.

Get her away from that boy.

If you know his parents or her Dad does they need to know what happened. Even if they are not willing to listen, they need to be told.

 

[redhen]

Quote:
X2..

 

[mom'sfolly]

The whole being sweet and charming is something a lot of abusers are very good at. They need to be able to get a victim close and con them into staying. Long ago I rough housed with the guys I dated, it was fun and often lead to not family forum friendly behaviour; however, in no case would any of these guys have held me in a choke hold until I "tapped out". This "tapping out" speaks to serious control issues at the very least. It is a way for him to get her to admit he has control over her. I would feel very concerned in your shoes.

In are in a difficult position with your daughter due to the circumstances; distance, her age, and the long-term nature of the relationship. One good thing is that she can bring this to you, maybe because you are so physically separated. She might know on some level that the situation isn't good. I think getting her to talk to a counselor trained in domestic violence is the best suggestion yet. If she understands the dynamics, maybe she can assess the situation.

Hopefully this is just stupid kid stuff, but my gut says it isn't.

 

[denim deb]

W/out knowing more, I cannot say how serious this actually was. But, if you try to get her to break up w/the boy, or interfere more than she wishes, it can have the opposite effect of what you want. She may rush to his defense, or stay w/him just to prove you wrong in how you view him. Trying to keep them apart will just make them stick closer together.

 

[wpalmisano]

If it was my daughter then S S S.

 

[redhen]

You need to make a VERY big deal about this NOW...
Your daughter needs to SEE.. by YOUR actions... (while shes still a minor..and you have some control...)... that this is a VERY serious thing...
She also needs to be made to go visit a battered womans shelter.. so she can hear their stories.
No man should ever put his hands on a woman in anger.. ever. Period! She needs to learn this very important thing now... not when its too late.. Thats why you need to make a very big deal about this now...
YOU need to press charges on this creep...
Could you ever live with yourself if something else happens to your daughter and you KNEW this creep had abused your child and you didnt do EVERYTHING in your power to get him charged and your daughter away from him and safe? Do something NOW while shes still a minor and while you still can do something to help her...
This is a very serious thing... Have you acted on this yet?

 

[noodleroo]

mom'sfolly :

The whole being sweet and charming is something a lot of abusers are very good at. They need to be able to get a victim close and con them into staying. Long ago I rough housed with the guys I dated, it was fun and often lead to not family forum friendly behaviour; however, in no case would any of these guys have held me in a choke hold until I "tapped out". This "tapping out" speaks to serious control issues at the very least. It is a way for him to get her to admit he has control over her. I would feel very concerned in your shoes.

In are in a difficult position with your daughter due to the circumstances; distance, her age, and the long-term nature of the relationship. One good thing is that she can bring this to you, maybe because you are so physically separated. She might know on some level that the situation isn't good. I think getting her to talk to a counselor trained in domestic violence is the best suggestion yet. If she understands the dynamics, maybe she can assess the situation.

Hopefully this is just stupid kid stuff, but my gut says it isn't.

Exactly. Especially the part about control.

The problem now is that you and she will always wonder when or if this will ever happen again. It will. Even just playing, it is never appropriate for a boy to treat a girl in that way. Never, not even once. Inside, she knows this.​