DD getting divorced, need opinions

[redhen]

Sounds like the baby would be better off without that kind of father anyways..
But dang.. i'd REALLY want to make him pay for 18 yrs...

 

[flnatv]

I am SOOO sorry to hear this...
I personally would have him surrender his rights... if not... she may end up like me with endless problems of trying to get child support, court costs, etc.

My ex left when the kids were 6 months and 2 yo... he has only seen them once... and we rarely get cs. My parents have been wonderful and I am the only person in my entire family to ever get divorced.

I know this isn't something you wanted advice on, but I will tell you one of the hardest things your DD is going to encounter is the people who tell her to "get over it, and move on"... Please, Please DON"T ever say this to her... it is extremely hurtful and it took me years to get over everything (dated for 6 years and married for 7 years). Also refrain from giving her "too" much advice... only give the advice she asks for...

Trying to take care of a baby, go through a divorce, and manage life is going to be difficult for her....

Now, back to your post... if your son-in-law was doing drugs... I would NEVER want my kids to have a chance to have to go on visitation and that is my sole #1 reasoning for her to have him sign his rights over... for the protection of the baby.

 

[debilorrah]

He doesn't have to relinquish his child for her to have sole custody. This is a double edged sword, because if he does sign his rights over and then dies, the child will not be able to collect Social Security until 18. Then again, he is a jerk and why would ANYONE want that guy in this childs life? Also, she can attach a lien to anything the guy ends up owning such as a car or house, for any back child support. Getting the order doesn't mean he will pay it, but she sure can make it hard for him.

In CA, an employer has to report all new employees within 20 days and if you are arrears in child support your wages get attached.

 

[klmclain1]

Wow... that's a tough position to be in. I am sure your lawyer will give you all your options. I know some states will not allow the father to "sign away his rights" and get out of child support. If he's on the birth certificate - he's the presumptive father.

That Social Security issue is a very good point. I'm so sorry you and your DD have to go through this. It's an awfully high price to pay....

 

[Laurajean]

What would be the point in having him relinquish his rights? Just to get him out of their hair? If he doesn't want to visit, he won't be around anyway, and if he does have a change of heart and wants to visit, isn't that his right? I mean, I know the guy has been a jerk to your daughter, and I'm sorry for that, but he still has a right to see his child. He may be spouting off now out of anger about the baby not looking like him, etc., but he may change his views on that. I guess I'm just not seeing the point of having him relinquish all rights. Maybe there is a benefit to this that I am missing, but it just seems like it would be done out of anger and spite toward him for being a jerk toward your daughter, not out of anything productive. A lot of people are horrible, lousy spouses, but still deserve to see their children. I realize he isn't acting like he cares now, but what about down the road if he changes his mind? I guess I just don't see the point in it.

 

[DuckLady]

My opinion comes from a BTDT situation.

Be careful of how much you involve yourself. Your daughter's business is her own and while you should of course make sure you are there for moral support, step carefully about doing everything for her, discussing her business and getting in the middle of it all. Just listen and give a shoulder, but let HER make any decisions on her own.

When I separated from my first husband, my grandmother inserted herself in the middle of the situation and made sure that I and everyone and their brother knew how she felt about the ex and about me for marrying him in the first place.

I felt bad enough and to have her meddling made me feel even more of a failure and it was years before I felt comfortable around her. The resentment and embarrassment festered under the surface. It never quite went away and I never fully trusted her for the rest of her life. And I certainly never confided in her again.

Just from your first post it is obvious to all of us how you feel. Think how much stronger that is in person with your daughter and ask yourself if you are helping or not.

 

[chickened]

I agree with Laura I just wanted to hear it from someone besides me,

My niece abandoned her 2 boys for drugs and an ex-con drug dealer, she has since cleaned up her life and is trying to get her boys back. The donor (father) is a hillbilly alcoholic working under the table collecting public assistence of every kind available and raising the 2 boys to be worse than himself. If my niece signed away her rights she would never see them until they were 18 and by then they would want nothing to do with her which is not right.

 

[twentynine]

Good luck with the going to court and him giving up rights. Even he wanted to, even if your daughter wanted him to, even if he weren't the real daddy, the court ain't going to go for it.

 

[teach1rusl]

Since you asked for opinions - I would severe rights and ties, if that is an option. My ex and I get along okay, but we began to get along better after he moved away - parenting was easier when I didn't have to deal with him. Had he not had good intentions toward our son and not paid child support (and he was like clockwork with that), I wouldn't have wanted anything at all to do with him.
I think the little bit of money that might occasionally go toward your grandchild will NOT be worth the ample worry and stress that will probably accompany it.

 

[maple]

yup... it's the daughters life... let her live it as Terri states.

It's going to be hard to do but you have to step back and allow her to make up her own mind and make her own decisions. I'm going through a "D" now and each story is different and the same in certain ways. I too suffered his rantings that dd #1 was not his...he abandoned us for 4 years and filed for "d" Oct. 2009 and still going through the courts about it...it's not a done deal yet...keeps getting pushed back...but we've been married for 10 years and so I will qualify for some alimony but it's still a guess to how much and for how long AND I'm disabled and have not been given the go ahead from my dr's to work yet...but I'm still fighting the status.

I have approached my lawyer about the bad things he does (drug abuse and mental abuse, intimidation, putting holes in walls...threating death to me and suicide...) and did in our marriage but I am partially to blame since I never reported the stuff to DCFS or the cops...while we were together. I was too afraid for the life of myself and my children with his behavior. But it is what it is. He has now joined the army and has made it to SGT. but I still have my doubts about him... I always will... he's mentally unstable and I don't care how much he has everyone fooled... I know who he is behind closed doors and for me, it's just a matter of time. But I have to deal with this man who is now come back in our lives even if it is at a distance and it was bound to happen anyway because I know how he is and went through the same stuff about his son from another mom.

And since we could not agree on visitation, the judge has decided for us on how long the girls should see him and it's going to be 42 days coming up. It makes me sick...scared...and all I have to hope for is that he has a new girlfriend and that she will take care of my kids...like she did on thier visit over Christmas and spring break...and that she stays for the duration but I have my doubts that she will once she sees him for who he really is. Once he put the ring on my finger he turned into a jekyl and hyde...he was not the same guy I dated AT ALL. I may need to get a guardian ad lidem to be able to talk to the judge on my behalf and the girls behalf but that is a lot more money that I don't have but darn it all...if I don't want to scream at the judge and say, please, talk to me behind closed quarters!!!! But he can't...that's not how the system works.

So...number one...they haven't been married long enough for her to expect any alimony and if she does get some it will be for a very short period and very little. What ever child support the child would qualify for would be garnished from his wages...whatever that may be and if he skips jobs a lot...your daughter and her lawyer will have to chase him down repeatedly. A headache? yes...but that child is entitled. Could he turn his life around? possibly but no one can give you a definate answer. All you can do is pray that he does for the child's sake. Will he be willing to sign over his rights? Maybe...maybe not. Mine denied his oldest dd as his own but now he sings a different tune...why? I don't know. So really, your daughter has to get as many facts as she can by asking the lawyer q's...write the q's down and then write the answer as she gets them. She will most likely qualify for WIC and medicaid and food stamps....she needs to call the office and then stand in the long line with the rest of those in hard times and get what she needs to take care of that baby and herself.

Ok, so you are there for her...good. But remember...she's a grown woman who needs to be a dependant and not a co-dependant. Let her live her life and make her choices. She will resent you if you should budge in... I know. It's awesome you are helping but it is your choice to help...helping doesn't mean living her life for her...you do not want to enable her or she will be worse off for it. You must make certain you give her the tools and the stepping stones to move herself forward...she will take more pride in herself if she succeeds on her own and her child will also learn from her mother as well and become a very strong individual as her mother is. They can do it...but the hard part about being a parent is letting them fall at times and not rushing in to lift them back up...sometimes they have to pull themselves back up. It's like a butterfly hatching out of the cacoon...you never peal it's cacoon back...for it gets stronger pushing itself out and is able to fly...if it is "helped" out than it is doomed and never gets the strength to fly. Very sad...but very true.

I am in the same spot...as being a daughter with a mom who wants to help but is taking it to a bit extreme especially when she starts to correct my children when it is my job. Let me mother my own children...ok, mom? I know, it's the teacher inside you that wants to correct...but you need to go volunteer or save it for when you might be babysitting when I need you if I'm at the lawyers.... other wise, hold your tongue woman. The Bible states... the tongue is like a double edged sword and is like poison... sometimes it's best to hold your tongue. I know it's hard because you see your daughter and this looser and not only now are you worried about your daughter but now for a grandchild as well....they will be fine... I know it. You will be there for them...you said you would. So listen and offer support...go ahead and buy some baby clothes and diapers and your daughters favorite shampoo....it's ok. But gently guide her by stating some facts and not twisting and turning them and talking all negative...remember these times call for some positive talks as well.

ok, mom? Thanks for listening.