Does forgiveness mean forgetting? family rant

[classicsredone]

I can understand where you are coming from. My father was an abusive drunk, though he has been recovered for 20 years or so now. You can't really forget what happened as a kid, and the dysfunction shapes how you act now as an adult. For me, I can't handle conflict and start crying even though I know it isn't a dangerous situation. My relationship with my father is kind of spotty. Sometimes it is great, sometimes he's off doing whatever for months and there is no contact.

My best advice would be to avoid people that are toxic, even if it is your mom. We went through the adoption process too (that dream is on hold, but that's another story). Even in open adoptions, caseworkers will tell you to cut out visits if the bio parents are being toxic. It sucks, but maintaining your sanity and the sanity of your family is the most important thing. Hopefully, they'll come around and things will get better.

 

[nop169]

Thanks guys. I totally agree that forgetting leads to further potential hurt. And don't worry - I DO protect my children at all costs!
I try to be a good man & I try to live my life in a way that pleases God but I just do not allow ANYONE to hurt my family. I can deal with what you do to me but I get to decide weather or not it is worth the cost to have a relationship with you. I just start to second guess my reactions at times. And being from the south - the ultimate betrayal is that I do not cover for them & allow it to continue. It bothers me that we do not have a relationship with my ex family that is loving & cares but it is what it is. What really makes it bad is that my in-laws who were wonderful loving people are both deceased from cancer so there is only a sister in law & 1 of my brothers (3 brothers total) that we have a relationship with..... although I do have other people who are "family" to us - they are not "blood" but are "heart" family.
Again THANKS for the replies - my blood pressure is coming down!!! I appreciate that you all would take the time to reply & reassure me.

 

[NoseyChickens]

I too have just gone through something VERY similar. I have been married 20 years to the most amazing man in the world and have 5 children. 3 of which are adopted. Youngest is biracial. My mother is a racist. She is a horrible person. Last year we alloed her to move into our home because she is in serious finacial trouble and disabled. I guess I had blinders on because I did NOT have any idea how bad it was until she lived in my house. Sheis horrible!!! Too many issues to even get into. On top of everything else (liar, manipulator, in general horrible person) she is also seriously addicted to perscription narcotics. Even after DH and I realized how bad it was we still offered to let her stay and help her get clean sober and healthy. She would have none of it. She spread horrible lies about my family through out the extended family. She moved out last June. Happiest day ever! She had back surgery in Novemeber. Called said how much she loved us, how wrong she was, that she would tell everyone everything she ever lied about (including telling extended family that DH beats us!!! NOT TRUE!!!!! And that wasn't even the worst of it). I tried to talk to her and be there, I tried to believe her. My sister fell for it hook line and sinker (Mom has done the EXACT same thing to my sister and her family in regards to spreading lies). Low and behold she lived through surgery and hasn't done anything she promised. Has since spread more nonesense about my sister and I and our families. I am done, I am out! I will never see or speak to her again and she WILL NOT have contact with my children. I did not realize how bad of an impact she had had on my kids until she was gone. She is toxic. At first I felt bad. Thinking I was a horrble person for cutting her off. But I feel so much better with her gone, my KIDS are so much better. And at the end of the day, my kids are more inportant than anything in the world.

 

[TeamChaos]

When I read about your mom's actions, it doesn't sound like she gives a rip about you or your family. Rather than fix the things about herself that have caused the pain and distance, she comes barging in to try and pretend that the rift doesn't exist. When you stand firm, she's angry that you won't go along with her lie. Too bad, so sad for her. You have your wife and your children close because they can trust you to be loving, protective, trustworthy and loyal- that's how family regards one another. Your mom, and others in the group, might be related genetically but they have NOT upheld that bond and they do not have a right to be treated differently than their actions have earned them.

Fighting with her will only allow her to be the victim longer and blame you instead of reflecting on her own actions. I think you should quietly but firmly put those boundaries back up and do not allow her to guilt you in to giving her more time/energy/effort than she has earned.

If a stranger on the street said those things about your child, you certainly wouldn't let them in your house regardless if they came bearing a gift or not! Yes, she gave birth to you, but it doesn't give her the right to destroy you.

It's tough, it hurts, and I think we're all conditioned to want to love our moms despite what they do, so I offer this to you: it is more loving of you to hold her accountable for her actions and provide honest reflection and consequence than it would be to accept her and suffer her selfishness or to give her a chance to hurt your children repeatedly when she's clearly not in control of herself.

Big love to you! Just think of all the things you do differently for your children because of what you've lived with.

 

[nop169]

NoseyChickens - I am sorry you have had to go through that. I can understand. I guess with my situation what makes it hard is that although my mother made her choices & is in chronic denial - she is not the abuser or at least she does not directly. But she made choices that left us vunerable & chose him over her minor children that he beat, cursed & more. Now she still makes choices - as to stand by silently - to only want a relationship one day per year and so on... it is a very long tale of abuse & denial that has spanned 42 years of my life. What I find implausible is that she expects me & my family to allow her the comfort of that one day per year regardless of the cost to my family & truthfully to my own sanity. How do you tell a child that her grandmother doesn't want a daily relationship - explain why she will not speak or hug my child in public - explain to the church members that that lady who has been coming to "MY" church the last 2 years but has never spoke to us there is my mother????? (And yes - we finally switched churches - the scandel was too great & the truth was never revealed as to why). SO MUCH - just too much - so when it became harmful to my child - we simply stopped. The immediate stopping of the choas was nice. I am not willing to go back to that. We tried to forgive & let it go. I do not blame her ONLY. But to know me & my family - you have to know OUR truth. It is the typical "leave it to Beaver" home to the public but was & as far as I can tell still is a "hell on earth" for those still involved. 4 boys ranging from 26 to 44 in the family. I am the second. All but me have substance abuse issues BAD, relationship issues & have been jailed. HELLO does that not tell you that it isn't just me? I have always been the blacksheep, the "jerk" and that suits me just fine but I do not handle it well when she comes off as the victim as in with her visit. In her mind - I am sure she thinks she is - but in my reality she is the silent co-conspirer. I would like a REAL HONEST & TRUTHFUL relationship with her - but that will never happen - so lets just let it go.
Perhaps this incident will open her eyes or at least get her to give over & simply stay away all 365 days per year rather than just 364. I hate feeling this way - I feel that all people should have the oppurtunity to learn & grow - but in this case I do not know of any other way because neither one of the parents will admit to the past nor change their behavior in the future. As for me, I have battled & prayed my whole life to never become who they are - to never harm my wife or children the way they harmed theirs & to be accountable for my actions to each person I come into contact with.
Thanks again to each of you for your thoughts & comments - it is appreciated.

 

[EweSheep]

I agree with the others, walk away from the abuse and protect your family! When people get racist toward children, it really gets my goat about it and the children didn't ask to be born but be forever grateful for adoptive families! Those children are innocent.

Wish you all the happiness and ever loving family you could ever ask for!

 

[churchx3]

battered mother.

I have no idea how old your mother is, mine is 72. I can tell you what I would allow in my home/marriage today is far different then home/marriages of 50 years ago. I grew up with a Dad who was an abusive alcoholic, was sexually abused as a child. Never saw my mom react in any way as to the horror of that environment. My mom was not abusive but she did nothing to stop it. But 40+ years ago times were different in many ways...there was no "safe places" for women with kids to go, no social agency to step in and help put a roof over your head, food on your table. My mom did the best that she felt she was able with 4 kids. You have to actually look back even further to the life your mom/dad had growing up. My mom had a horrible childhood, no dad, mother in an out of hospitals her entire life. All I am saying to you is, if your mom wants to come to your home once a year because it in some way helps her to feel connected to you after everything that has happened, is it really too much to ask? In her mind, I am sure she is confirming her love for you. One hour a year, is that really too much? I agree your wife and kids are the most important relationship to protect and nurture. Allow your mom that one hour of loving her son.

Edited to add : My dad was not the one who was responsible for the sexual abuse, it was a close family friend. My dad may have been ok with beating the sh-t out of me all the time, but he was never sexually abusive.

 

[ChickensAreSweet]

You have a responsibility to protect your children from harmful influences.

You can be kind when speaking, but not allow anything to set foot in the door of your home that would traumatize you and your family.

I agree with A.T. Hagan: "Your life, your family, and your call. Do what your heart tells you is best."

 

[PineappleMama]

Quote:
If in that hour she manages to alienate or otherwise make an innocent child feel like less than a human being?
Yup, that IS too much to ask IMO.
If she wants communication she could write a letter, call, email... if all she cared about was keeping a line open she has those options.
Instead she chooses to drop in uninvited and do as much damage as she can. That's not someone bent on communication, that's a person lashing out.
Too often people think that if they were lashed at they have the right, even the duty, to pass that pain on to someone else.
I disagree and thus keep anyone who would hurt me or mine away from their prey.
But if she sent a letter, card, etc with NOTHING NEGATIVE in it I would be happy to pass it on to the grands.

 

[nop169]

Churchx3,
You are right when you say to really understand one must look further back. You are correct in your assumption that my mother came from a similar family background..... so did I but I chose to break the cycle. I tried for years to understand her - if only to rationalize why I was not wanted. I also have lasting scars - both physical & mental/emotional - but the difference was that as a child I had no choice. I grew up thinking my mother was a strong southern lady & then at around 13 I realized she wasn't strong - she was in denial & emotionally dead. You are right - she is 66 - married at 16 & in her time there were no social systems to help her. Her parents died young within her first 2 years of marriage & her only brother was estranged. She was molested by an uncle at age 10. She was too ashamed to let the extended family know what was happening in her marriage. She kept the code of silence. What did it get her? A marriage to an abuser that is still going (50 years this year) - 4 children that are all scarred. Of us all - I am the only one who has broke the cycle - my 3 brothers all live very similar to how we were raised. I do not want to nor will I live that way.
You say give her the hour once per year - but at what costs? Even if I protect my family - it still affects me. I cannot ignore the past - the past has made me into who I am & to deny it also denies me. When I said in earlier posts that we spent years trying to heal the family - I meant it - years of soul wrentching participation in a family who never speaks of the past - whether 20 years ago or yesterday - a family who sees me as the betrayer for breaking the silence rather than accept responsibility of their actions & change. I tried to save them all - but I could only save myself & my family by total dissassociation. It is as much their choice as mine.
I would love a normal relationship with her - but literally it is as if I am speaking to a total stranger - the words are hollow, the silence is uncomfortable & the pain is raw - because she holds onto the silence as if it will be her salvation - when in reality it has been her & our destroyer. I understand her - I understand it is her coping mechanism to hold onto the denial - I understand she believes that God makes her life here a hell so she can go to heaven. It is a cofused, conveluted southern rite of denial, religion & family obligation. But it is wrong - and if we do not see it as wrong it will destroy my family as it has already destroyed my birth family & my sibling's families.
It is not what I want but it is what I have to do in order to survive & in order to not loose my own family to the senseless cycle of violence & silence that prevails in my southern community.

I understand what you are saying & I appreciate your viewpoint in trying to help me learn & grow. Just know that we have been down that path to the detriment of my own self worth. It accomplished nothing but me questioning why I am the only one who sees this as wrong while my siblings simply live in an reinactment of our parents lives. I do not think I am better than them - nor do I think I am more spiritial or enlightened - but to me life is a path of lessons & I have tried very hard to use each lesson to become a better person, husband & father. I can't do that by allowing my mother to affect adversly my wife or children - nor can I be the man I should be if I am constantly fighting the past or apologizing by word or action for my choice of nonparticipation in a destructive family. Basically, if she wants a relationship she has to own up to the past by at least learning who I am & changing her future behavior. This may sound harsh - but I have been here with her before - time & time again - with pain as my reward.
Thanks for your view & I hope that in your life with your mom that your method works for you & brings both you & her peace.