Done thank you for the posts. Im done..No more Posts needed. Thanks

[deerman]

Quote:
I've had people say that to me before, so I know exactly what you're talking about. Not many people 'get' me, I suppose you could say, and I've always had a disagreeable temperament, but they say "Oh, I can see your heart is in the right place."
He sounds much better than the men you mention. Perhaps it will get even better?

Perhaps it will and perhaps it wont who knows.. Just give it a shot an go with it I suppose.. I hope no one sees him as a bad guy because even though hes an alcholic he really is a good guy.. If only they knew him.. they would understand.. I didnt mean him sound like the bad guy.. I know hes trying.. and so am i.. its his parents who havent held up their end.. They new we needed help and they offered to help if we moved up here and they havent...

i know not his fault, sound like they try to help, keep a roof over their sons head , and his woman and her baby , plus bet they are feeding you all too...you need to open those eyes girl...sure you can find a better man.

 

[Beekissed]

An enabler is a person who by their actions make it easier for an addict to continue their self-destructive behavior by criticizing or rescuing. The term codependency refers to a relationship where one or both parties enable the other to act in certain maladaptive ways. Many times, the act of the enabler satisfies a need for the codependent person because his or her actions foster a need from the other person or persons in the relationship.

To enable the individual with the addiction, the mutually dependent person makes excuses and lies for the addict, which enables the addiction to continue. Codependency is reinforced by a person's need to be needed. The enabler thinks unreasonably by believing he can maintain healthy relationships through manipulation and control. He believes he can do this by avoiding conflict and nurturing dependency. Is it normal for someone to think that he can maintain a healthy relationship when he does not address problems and he lies to protect others from their responsibilities? The way a codependent person can continue to foster this dependency from others is by controlling situations and the people around them. The ongoing manner of a codependent home is to avoid conflicts and problems and to make excuses for destructive or hurtful behavior.
Why does enabling cause so much hurt in a relationship? The power afforded to the mutually dependent person in a relationship support his need for control, even if he uses inappropriate means to fulfill his need to be in control. A second and overlooked reason centers on the contradictory messages and unclear expectations presented by someone who is codependent. These characteristics give to a relationship filled with irrational thoughts and behavior. This kind of relationship has no clear rules to right and wrong behavior. The person(s) unhealthy patterns you enable may be doing one or more of these behaviors:

Drinking too much
Spending too much
Overdrawing their bank account/bouncing checks
Gambling too much
In trouble with loan sharks/check cashing agencies
Working too much/not enough
Maxing out the credit cards
Abusing drugs (prescription or street drugs)
Getting arrested (you are bailing him/her out)
Any of a number of other unhealthy behaviors/patterns of addiction.
Any time you assist/allow another person to continue in their unproductive/unhealthy/addictive behavior, whether actively or passively, you are enabling. Even when you say nothing you are enabling the behavior to continue. Sometimes you say nothing out of fear, fear of reprisal, fear of the other person hurting, hating, not liking you; or fear of butting in where you don’t think you belong. Perhaps even fear of being hit or worse.

Sometimes enabling takes the form of doing something for another that they should do for themselves. It also takes the form of making excuses for someone else’s behavior. Example: There are situations where the spouse of an alcoholic will call in to the boss to say that person is "sick," when they are really too hung over they can’t make it to work.

You more than likely enable out of your own low self-esteem. You haven't gained the ability to say no, without fear of losing the love or caring of that other person. People who learn tough love have to learn that their former behaviors have been enabling and that to continue in them would represent allowing the other person's pattern of behavior to continue and to worsen.

Do you recognize yourself in this article? If so, there are groups you can join right online who can help you work through your co-dependency issues. You won't have to feel so alone, as there are many who have been and are where you are today. The good thing is that you are young and can still make something of a life for you and your daughter if you will but recognize that you have a problem. Your fiance isn't the only person with a problem in this scenario and it will take getting strong and tough to get yourself to a healthy life and healthy relationships.

I would start today.​

 

[Mother_Hen2011]

I know you all are concerned and maybe I shouldnt have made this post or left my fiance out of it. This wasnt about him its about his parents.. and no they arent feeding us we feed ourselves and them. My daughter is smart and intelligent and Im a wonderful mother. Me and my fiance have been through alot since we have been together 4 years in April next year. I love him with all my heart and know in my heart and soul that he might always be an alcholic and I dont like alchole but he DOES NOT drink everyday or even every month. Like I said when me and him got together he drank a 30 pack a day .. Since than he drinks less than once a month.. This thread was not about him but we are going through with his family.. Yes Im standing up for him because him and my daughter and my pets are all I have right. Hes a good man! just because when his brother comes to down he has a few beers with him doesnt mean that he drinks all the time. He is good to my daughter better than her real dad will ever be! He chose to be with me even though I was pregnant with another mans child.. The only thing that her real dad has ever done for her is pay a month child support.. He didnt call her on her birthday or christmas or even just to see how shes doing. His parents asked if we moved down here to be with his kids they would help. Here I am stuck at home constantly because his mom doesnt want to go anywhere. is he an alcholic yes. But hes trying.. And I am giving him that because most alcholics dont even try.. I appreciate that you ladies and gents are concerned and before anyone else can post this Im gonna say it. i should have never posted this. Yes i am defending him! Hes is the love of my life... I appreciate all the help and offers they mean alot. I know Im a strong young woman and I will get us out of this and I will do it with my man by myside. He protects me and OUR daughter. and we were expecting another child in 2009 but we lost it. so as for bringing a child into this there its already been brought.. We lost that child... So its pain that we both feel and have been trying to deal with. its not easy trust me and Im sure some of you probally know. He might have a problem but we all have problems and we all have our own ways of dealing with them. I know he is trying his best and has been doing really good. Did he have a bad judgement yes. Does it affect a few things between him and I yes. Does it make me love him any less HELL NO! I know hes trying and having his kids and our baby yanked away from us isnt the easiest thing in the world to deal with. Yes his parents put a roof over our heads. But thats as far as it goes! So please try to see it from my point. He has never laid a hand on me out of anger. he has never laid a hand on my daughter out of anger. I have only seen him drunk twice in the 3 years we have been together. He helps me when ever I need it. He tries his best to take care of us.. And the dui's yeah and? hes had 2 and those were almost 8 years ago.. If not more. Way before I came into the picture.As far as his ex goes.. well dont get me started on her. I really appreciate the help and all the wonderful offers. I DO NOT BUY ALCHOLE FOR HIM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!I DO NOT ENABLE HIM TO DO THIS!!! I DO NOT MAKE EXCUSES FOR HIM!!!!

 

[deerman]

Quote:
It really ain't if he loves her, its the fact he love the drinking over all else, addiction he mostly will never break. I grew up with a brother like that, great guy loved his family ,but his love for beer destroy it all , my parents and me, my brother,and sisters only reason only reason he wasn't that homeless drunk sleeping in a box. Bet thats the reason his parents are like they are, they been thru all his drinking problems.

 

[deerman]

Quote:
sorry have to disgree ,just in your post ,you keep making excuses for him, you enable him ,when you stay with him,when he keeps drinking,...put it this way ,tell him you are leaving if he drinks again....bet his love of beer will win over his love of you. Sorry girl i have seen it first hand.....

 

[Mother_Hen2011]

Quote:
No i didnt say there was another child I said we lost our baby..

 

[deerman]

Sorry girl ,i know you start this thread , for the problem you have thinking it his parents, but no its the guy you are with drinking addiction. You can't see it , but most of us reading these post can see it plain as day.

 

[Mother_Hen2011]

im done.. it wasnt about him.. doesnt matter if he has a problem or not. Should have just kept it to myself. I should have known not to talk about my problems. thats why I keep them to myself in the first place. So i bothered you guys and took up your time.

 

[deerman]

Quote:
No i didnt say there was another child I said we lost our baby..

reread that post TRYING TO BRING ANOTHER CHILD INTO THE SITUATION. yes you were.......

I gave you advice ,how to solve your problem.....you can't or want see it......

I also wish the best for you and your girl, you will remember this advice ......many years from now when you can see thru clear eye, not ones cover with love struck ones.


I'm done here also.......

 

[kstaven]

Closed at the OP's request.