- Aug 8, 2011
- 1,981
- 40
- 141
hey there,
some very thoughtful advice on here already.
I'm sorry you're having a tough time finding what you want and need from your parents - it's tough sometimes, and parents/kids don't always fit each other's needs well.
it can be really hard to tell, from the outside and over the internet, what the real issue is. maybe it's that your parents are self-involved, and as long as you're not making trouble, they have other things they spend their time on. maybe it's that they think everything is fine, and you don't want or need anything different from them. maybe it's that they don't care. maybe it's that they think because you're doing so well, they shouldn't change what they're doing.
I've watched people raise kids and be over-involved, under-involved, over-controlling, under-controlling, too self-centered, too invested in their kid's lives and performance, and all kinds of things in between. one thing I remember growing up is asking for my mom's help with something, and her saying "you can do it yourself, no partial credit." as a kid, I always thought that meant she was too busy and had other things she'd rather do. a few years ago, it came up and she said she was proud my independence and capability, and wanted me to have the pride and confidence of having done it myself without help. something we realized in retrospect is that what I *really* wanted was her attention, not her help... she was apologetic about not having understood that at the time. I still think that "no partial credit" was her rationalization for choosing to spend her time on other things, but perhaps that's not so, and here's what I know is true:
I'm capable, independent, competent. I can get things done, and done well. I can work with a team, and can make use of help, but I don't need it. Partly that has to do with how I was raised, and the rest is the choices I made about how to live my life, despite having parents that knew little about how to parent (especially how to parent *me*.)
I contemplated making myself a problem (like you're contemplating letting your grades drop) but there's a sane and practical aspect of my soul that rejects the idea of hurting myself to send a message to someone else. I hope you've got that too... so many people don't. they end up anorexic, self-cutting, getting into drugs or pregnant or in trouble with the law just to send a message to their parents, or to get their parents' attention... it's such a waste of who they could be, and makes so much pain and heartache - most of it for themselves. often the intended recipient never gets a clue that the message is for them, so all that pain and lost time is simply wasted.
Consider that there are many ways your parents might show their love for you - one is tightening the reins, giving you some structure and some boundaries. but they may be thinking they're showing you they love you by giving you the freedom you've shown you are capable of managing for your self. there are lots of different ways to communicate love. it may be that they *are* showing you they love you, just not in a way that you naturally understand. people have many different expectations of what it means to be loved, and of what someone does when they love you. it may be that you and your parents just don't speak love or understand love in the same style. it's kind of like speaking different languages.
the trouble with that mis-match is that you end up feeling like they don't even care. that may not be what they intend at all.
it may be that they're telling you every day, just in a way that you can't hear, in a way that you don't get.
so. here are a couple of things you might try...
sit them down and tell them what you told us... that because they never involve themselves in limiting you, or checking on you, it makes you feel like they don't care. ask them *why* they don't. *listen* to their answers. if it's just a matter of the group of you not communicating, maybe that will become clear. you might have some ideas of what you'd like them to do differently, ask for them to do those things. and on your side, when they do what they say they're doing out of love, pay attention, give those things credit, even if what they do doesn't naturally suit your style.
if they're really not interested, that conversation may help you know that's what's happening, with no doubts. if that's the case, then know that you're turing out ok, even though you have parents who aren't really up to the job. a great many people have inadequate parents. most of the really interesting people I know had parents that were somewhere between not very good and incredibly bad at parenting. it's not the easiest way to grow up, and for many of us there's some mourning to do for the parents we wished we had, but never did. still, life's not always fair, and having bad parents sometimes happens. if you're able to grow up ok anyway, then do it, don't waste your life on something you can't change anyway.
if you discover you and your parents simply speak different languages, well, try to learn and understand theirs. ask them to try and learn yours. many times in life we have to deal with people who see things in a different way than we do, and the more languages you speak, the more successful you can be. it'd be nice if we all got the parents (or kids) that fit us, but when that doesn't happen, it doesn't mean they don't love us, just that they comunicate it in a way that doesn't really fit. work with it, learn, practice, it's something you'll need later, even if it's never perfect with your folks.
Both my husband and I knew at early ages that our parents didn't *get* us, and that we were mostly on our own. both of us had parents that were highly self-involved, although for different reasons. it's part of why my hubby and I fit - because although we grew up in different circumstances, our experience of the world is much the same. consider that out there are other people who have lives like yours, and who know how to speak *your* language better than your parents do.
understand that your parents are what they are, even if that's not quite what you need and want them to be. put your mind on your goals, keep your life on track, and when the time comes, be a better parent than the people who raised you. you get two cracks at the parent-child relationship. this one may not be everything you want it to be, but it's in your power to make the next one what you want it to be.
so here's a
and a hope that all that's needed is a frank and open conversation with your parents to get you on the same page. and if that doesn't happen, know it's ok, there's lots of us out here and we're delighted you're joining us.
some very thoughtful advice on here already.
I'm sorry you're having a tough time finding what you want and need from your parents - it's tough sometimes, and parents/kids don't always fit each other's needs well.
it can be really hard to tell, from the outside and over the internet, what the real issue is. maybe it's that your parents are self-involved, and as long as you're not making trouble, they have other things they spend their time on. maybe it's that they think everything is fine, and you don't want or need anything different from them. maybe it's that they don't care. maybe it's that they think because you're doing so well, they shouldn't change what they're doing.
I've watched people raise kids and be over-involved, under-involved, over-controlling, under-controlling, too self-centered, too invested in their kid's lives and performance, and all kinds of things in between. one thing I remember growing up is asking for my mom's help with something, and her saying "you can do it yourself, no partial credit." as a kid, I always thought that meant she was too busy and had other things she'd rather do. a few years ago, it came up and she said she was proud my independence and capability, and wanted me to have the pride and confidence of having done it myself without help. something we realized in retrospect is that what I *really* wanted was her attention, not her help... she was apologetic about not having understood that at the time. I still think that "no partial credit" was her rationalization for choosing to spend her time on other things, but perhaps that's not so, and here's what I know is true:
I'm capable, independent, competent. I can get things done, and done well. I can work with a team, and can make use of help, but I don't need it. Partly that has to do with how I was raised, and the rest is the choices I made about how to live my life, despite having parents that knew little about how to parent (especially how to parent *me*.)
I contemplated making myself a problem (like you're contemplating letting your grades drop) but there's a sane and practical aspect of my soul that rejects the idea of hurting myself to send a message to someone else. I hope you've got that too... so many people don't. they end up anorexic, self-cutting, getting into drugs or pregnant or in trouble with the law just to send a message to their parents, or to get their parents' attention... it's such a waste of who they could be, and makes so much pain and heartache - most of it for themselves. often the intended recipient never gets a clue that the message is for them, so all that pain and lost time is simply wasted.
Consider that there are many ways your parents might show their love for you - one is tightening the reins, giving you some structure and some boundaries. but they may be thinking they're showing you they love you by giving you the freedom you've shown you are capable of managing for your self. there are lots of different ways to communicate love. it may be that they *are* showing you they love you, just not in a way that you naturally understand. people have many different expectations of what it means to be loved, and of what someone does when they love you. it may be that you and your parents just don't speak love or understand love in the same style. it's kind of like speaking different languages.
the trouble with that mis-match is that you end up feeling like they don't even care. that may not be what they intend at all.
it may be that they're telling you every day, just in a way that you can't hear, in a way that you don't get.
so. here are a couple of things you might try...
sit them down and tell them what you told us... that because they never involve themselves in limiting you, or checking on you, it makes you feel like they don't care. ask them *why* they don't. *listen* to their answers. if it's just a matter of the group of you not communicating, maybe that will become clear. you might have some ideas of what you'd like them to do differently, ask for them to do those things. and on your side, when they do what they say they're doing out of love, pay attention, give those things credit, even if what they do doesn't naturally suit your style.
if they're really not interested, that conversation may help you know that's what's happening, with no doubts. if that's the case, then know that you're turing out ok, even though you have parents who aren't really up to the job. a great many people have inadequate parents. most of the really interesting people I know had parents that were somewhere between not very good and incredibly bad at parenting. it's not the easiest way to grow up, and for many of us there's some mourning to do for the parents we wished we had, but never did. still, life's not always fair, and having bad parents sometimes happens. if you're able to grow up ok anyway, then do it, don't waste your life on something you can't change anyway.
if you discover you and your parents simply speak different languages, well, try to learn and understand theirs. ask them to try and learn yours. many times in life we have to deal with people who see things in a different way than we do, and the more languages you speak, the more successful you can be. it'd be nice if we all got the parents (or kids) that fit us, but when that doesn't happen, it doesn't mean they don't love us, just that they comunicate it in a way that doesn't really fit. work with it, learn, practice, it's something you'll need later, even if it's never perfect with your folks.
Both my husband and I knew at early ages that our parents didn't *get* us, and that we were mostly on our own. both of us had parents that were highly self-involved, although for different reasons. it's part of why my hubby and I fit - because although we grew up in different circumstances, our experience of the world is much the same. consider that out there are other people who have lives like yours, and who know how to speak *your* language better than your parents do.
understand that your parents are what they are, even if that's not quite what you need and want them to be. put your mind on your goals, keep your life on track, and when the time comes, be a better parent than the people who raised you. you get two cracks at the parent-child relationship. this one may not be everything you want it to be, but it's in your power to make the next one what you want it to be.
so here's a
