Feeling sad, guilty, and in pain: my favorite chicken died at the vet...

[unicornia]

I am so, so very sorry for what your are going through! It is especially hard when the tragedy occurred while a veterinarian was "in charge."

Your awful experience brings back a painful memory: A little Siamese kitten found our rural home, we're talking just barely weaned. Had no idea where he came from...

The little guy took residence under a storage shed and, after a few days of coaxing and lots of needed nourishment, I was able to get my hands on him and we became inseparable. He preferred living under the shed yet would come running when he heard my voice or footsteps. If outside, he wanted to be in my lap or on my shoulder. There had to be physical contact to keep him happiest.

One especially charming thing about him was that he and my six Red Stars also became friends. He would let the girls eat dinner with him from the same bowl while my husband and I relaxed in the driveway watching. My Siamese kitten with the ringed tail was a true gift that even my non-cat lover husband enjoyed.

As a good parent, I took the little guy to the vet for neutering shortly after he turned five months. The vet called during lunch to say he died.

Allergic reaction to anesthesia, she claimed. Sobbing, I retrieved his little body and buried him in a quiet spot in the garden.

I've since checked with three other vets -- including one retired vet who sold his practice to this gal. None have ever heard of a cat having "an allergic reaction" to anesthesia. Each have said most likely she put him under too deep and hated to admit it.

Should I have waited to have him neutered? Should I have just picked him up and carried him back home when he gave me that last panicked look?

It's been seven months since his death. Time hasn't really changed my ability to beat myself up over my decisions. Nor has it softened the loss.

So I send you love and support for the days you have ahead. There won't be another Whitie. But there ARE chicks waiting to be given the chance.

All my best,

This is so heartbreaking! I am so sorry you lost your kitten in such a tragic way. You were doing the right thing for him by getting him neutered... and you put him in the care of people you trusted. I am sorry that the vet couldn't take full responsibility for what she did, you know, we are all human and have bad days and make mistakes, but when people cant own up to their mistakes and apologize, I think that this can complicate grieving, as you had to deal with your anger at the vet, and your feelings of betrayal, since she lied to you. Grieving is so hard just as it is.

And your little kitty It is good he didn't suffer, just went to sleep, and maybe his soul will come back to you in some other way... I know that all the antics in my brain about what I could have done differently are about avoiding or trying to escape the pain of loss. If only I could go back in time, and changes things, I would have Whitie again!!! But I can't. Its literally impossible. As I face up to the pain of loss, I find the guilt subsides. I did several rituals over Whitie's grave saying goodbye, writing her poems, and leaving her pictures, and asking forgiveness. I imagined her soul leaving her body to go on a journey, and my love carrying her through that journey. I got a picture framed of Whitie, and I wrote in a book I keep to remember my lost pets. I am amazed by how much these simple rituals have helped me. Remembering all the good things I loved about Whitie, all the funny things she did, and how I loved her, have helped me appreciate that we had a good life together. I am reading "Going Home: Finding Peace When Pets Die" by Jon Katz (got it at the local library), and he talks about the Good Life. Did you give your kitty a Good Life? (even if it was short, it sounded pretty sweet to be that kitty). Did you appreciate and love him, did you do the best you could in caring for him? Did he have a good life? Remember, quality of life does not depend on quantity. It was short for kitty, but so sweet!

And right back at you, there are MANY kitties if you go to any pound or shelter (most likely had by cats owned by people who did NOT nueter their pets), who are waiting to have a loving home like yours!!!!!
Be at peace, forgive yourself (it was definitely not your fault!!) and go out and get another little kitty to love,
Allison

 

[unicornia]

One more thought, PulletNewbie, about that panicked look you saw in your kitty's eyes, I saw it in Whitie's, too, while I was waiting for the vet, and I wanted to take her back home, and I wished, sometimes, that I had. But when I think about this, I just would have had a sick chicken at home, suffering, with me not knowing what to do with her, back at square one. And then I think further, and I think, when we take our kids to get their teeth cleaned, or get their shots, or get their blood drawn, we see that panicked look, its normal, and we might want to run away, but we don't, because we know it is the right thing to do to take care of their health. You were doing the right thing for your kitty's health! You were saving lots of unwanted kittens from being born, saving him from lots of fights with other males, and giving him the possibility of a longer life. Sometimes we do the right things, and the result is terrible. But just because the result is bad doesnt mean we didnt do the right thing.....

Thank you for sharing your story, it helps me to work through these things together with someone,
Allison

 

[KayTee]

I stopped seeing my expensive "avian" vet because his ego was larger than his knowledge. My first visit, he diagnosed bumble foot as GOUT!

That's exactly the same diagnosis I got the first time I took a chicken with bumble foot to the vet! Admittedly she wasn't an avian specialist, but even I could see that it wasn't gout!
When a different practice diagnosed clostridium perfringens as 'possible worms' I decided to stop taking my girls to the vet!

 

[unicornia]

Are there vets out there who know about chickens? How do you know? You just try them out?
How frustrating....

 

[MrsBrooke]

Are there vets out there who know about chickens? How do you know? You just try them out?
How frustrating....

I took a chicken to the vet once. Her diagnosis was, "Well, I read on Backyard Chickens that...."

My jaw about hit the floor. Never. Again.

Dogs, cats, goats, horses, yes. Never chickens.

Your mileage may vary. That's just me personally.

MrsB

 

[lovemy6hens]

You did everything you could, unicornia. Your experience is heartbreaking. I'm glad you're here on BYC with lots of support and hope it makes the loss more bearable.

It's certainly difficult to find an avian vet close to home and even more so to find an avian vet who treats chickens. Making phone calls and asking numerous offices who they refer to helped us find one. Our first trip was unfortunately made for our rooster to be euthanized. It wasn't as expensive as I assumed it would be and I felt much better about it than I did when my husband had to take care of a pullet.

Please know we're thinking of you and hoping your heart feels better soon.

 

[unicornia]

Wow, MrsBrooke, that is ridiculous! I guess I will definitely call ahead and ask a few questions before I try another one. The vet I took her to didnt even suggest draining as a possibility for Whitie. Ridiculous.

Yes, lovemy6hens, the support from the BYC community has been outstanding! Everyone's help really has been amazingly transformative for me. I might still be blaming myself harshly, but after getting everyone's feedback, stories, and hearing about the grim reality of the diseases, the self-criticism has dissipated by so much! I mostly feel like now, Whitie lived a good life, and maybe it was short, but it was good, and her physical body could take her no more. I miss her still, and it still feels sad... but it all feels much more reasonable.

Someone also mentioned this book: "Going Home: Finding Peace When Pets Die" by Jon Katz, and I have only read half of it, but it is very good. He speaks mostly about dogs and cats, but in general he speaks of "pets" and we can fill in "chickens"...

A good read to help the grieving process...

Allison

 

[Watermelon123]

I am sorry for your loss. I know how you feel. A while ago I lost my sweet little gunea pig, Rogaine. She was a Hairless piggie. One day as I went to feed her (7:00pm) I noticed she was leaning on the side of her cage. I picked her picked her up and put her on my bed. I was panicing at this point. She couln't stand. As most people I know they would put her back and forget about it. She had that helpless look in her eyes as if she was saying "let me go." I knew this look many times before as I rescue rabbits as kinda a hobby. My mother rushed her and me up to the vet that closes at 10:00. When we got there, my usaral vet wasn't there so I got a traniee that doesn't know I rescue. "She should be fine." she said. So we brought her home. Right when we got home I was moving her legs up and down so she can get her mussle back. Then I felt it. Her spine was broken! At that point she was beond recovery. We rushed her up at about 9:00 pm, My mother told me to stay home, but I insisted on coming knowing she wasn't coming back. When we got there, a vet I know said "Get the crash cart." but I had to say in a cracky voice, "No. We're not doing that." She understanded and brought us into the back room. After she gave her the shot I held her so she knew I loved her. She passed peacfully. I recall saying "I'm sorry" to her as she went. We brought her home thinking If I just let her go in the first place, she wouldn't of sufferd any longer. I blamed myself. But now I know I tried to give her a chance to live, a futile chance, but a chance none the less. My mother let me skip school the next day. But the whole experiance thaungt me this, The last thing to die is hope.

Don't beat yourself up,Unicornia you did the best that you could.

 

[ernie85017]

"I miss her still, and it still feels sad... but it all feels much more reasonable. "

That is an excellent way to put it.

I, too, apologize to them when they die.

How on earth did a guinea pig in a cage get a broken spine?

 

[Watermelon123]

First things first, she was a Skinny pig. They have ALOT of problems. They were bred to be lab animals. My mom thinks that had somthing to do with it. My guesss either my brother was fidling with her and he broke it and didn't tell me or she was freaking out and did somthing to break it (I know rabbits would do that if they get scared or stressed enough). Anyhow she lived pretty long for a skinny pig, I can tell you that.