friendectomy

[Laurajean]

Quote:
Yeah, based on your update, I agree with Cindi, nothing wrong with saying "To be honest, I'm confused about why your hubby makes plenty of money, you get a boob job, and still get government assistance? Sorry, that's just not okay with me". I mean, that's just wrong and it does affect you, you're right, it's YOUR tax dollars. I would just tell her outright, "Sorry, I just don't agree with how you are double-dipping". If it hurts her, oh well. Maybe she'll reconsider being a user of the government. Probably not. I can understand you feeling awkward about the topic, but it's just WRONG, what she's doing.

 

[halo]

Im all about honesty.


However...

I dont see anything coming good in being honest with her. All it will do is hurt her feelings, probably for a long long time. Ive been in that position as you, and just stopped answering her calls, or if I did end up talking to her, just made excuses for not being able to meet up. Eventually she found other friends who were more "friendly" and wanted to do things with her that I didnt.

If this was a great friend, and she had spinach in her teeth, then yes, tell her the truth, it will help her. In this case, no, the truth will not help her. Or you.

But thats just me, Im big on non confrontational, too. And I see no reason in telling her the truth.

 

[Laurajean]

Quote:
The reason to tell her the truth is because she's committing fraud with all of our tax dollars and it's illegal and wrong. What good could come from it? Maybe the "friend" will reconsider her illegal and immoral behavior! Someone should tell her what she's doing is wrong. Maybe the OP doesn't want to be the one to do it, but I believe this person needs to be told what she's doing is USING the tax dollars of the very people she calls friends.

Just my opinion.

 

[justbugged]

Quote:
Write and send her a note.

 

[halo]

You dont think she knows what shes doing is wrong? Do you think she cares? If she is committing fraud, the OP is not the one to confront her about it, it needs to be reported to the proper authorities that will take care of it. Meanwhile, back on the ranch, I wouldnt want her as a friend either.

 

[AllTheseCreatures]

You've gotten lots helpful advice! This has happened to me so I thought I'd share.

I had a friend like the one you describe. She just brought me down. Being friend with her felt like a burden. I really struggled with the best way to cope/deal with it. I knew a lot of it was me and a lot of it was her. In the end, she ended up doing something very thoughtless and I felt REALLY angry. Everyone encouraged me to me honest and being angry made it a whole lot easier to be honest with her. LOL After it was all said in done, her feeling where hurt, my feelings where hurt and we've parted ways on bad terms. I think being honest, not being honest; the result for her is the same. It might be cathartic for you to tell her how you really feel and it might be easier to just disentangling yourself from her passively. You're trying to end a relationship where two people have two very different ideas of what is going on between them. Neither outcome is really pleasant. I don't recommend telling her anything that will hurt her feelings, if I had that to do over again I really would.

It's hard. I wish you the best. HUGS.

 

[Laurajean]

Quote:
I know some people in my neighborhood know that they are racist, but every single time I hear them say a racist comment in front of me, I make sure to point it out and how it offends me. If everyone just stands by and "approves by not disapproving", she will never change. She probably doesn't care, but eventually she may lose enough friends who do stand up for what's right, and her life may spiral downward, and she may reconsider.

I'm not saying it's the OP's duty to confront her, but I am saying the more people around her don't say anything, the more she'll feel justified in doing it. When people start confronting you about doing something wrong, you DO think about it. Maybe a few other friends of hers were lost from the same objections and this could be the final straw that gets through to her, you never know. I certainly wouldn't want to be her friend either, but if I were in the OP's shoes of having been a friend to her to some degree, hanging out and stuff, yes, I would totally be honest about why I was ending it. I wouldn't feel right if I didn't address it. I know we all look at things differently, that's just my take on it.

 

[MeatKing]

I would tell her the truth,I wouldn't be able to handle someone like this. It's not fair she's double dipping. The truth hurts, she need to hear it. I once had a really good friend, she started dating this guy and started doing heavy drugs. I told her I loved her very much, but didn't want to hang around with people useing drugs. I told her please call me, whenever she decides to stop. She's never called, it's been 15 years. I have some really great friends now

Seldom do I think of her.

 

[halo]

People have to be very careful nowadays confronting crooks. And this person, along with her husband, sound like crooks. If the OP does say something to them, and then the whistle gets blown and they get caught, whats going to stop them from thinking the OP had something to do with it? Its all fine to be holier than thou and you are being bad and deceitful, but these are different times, and its nothing for someone to want to exact revenge on someone they perceive, whether true or not, has gotten them caught. There are much better ways of handling this, Im sure there are investigators for this very issue. This is their job, and doesnt put anyone in the line of fire.

I know you may think Im being overly dramatic, but Ive been involved in some fraud investigations, and there have been some innocent people hurt by some not so nice people, simply because people confronted someone and told them what they were doing was wrong.

 

[rancher hicks]

Quote:
Nobody likes to be lied to by someone they think of as a friend either.... which is worse, hurt by honesty or hurt by betrayal?

I don't mean that to sound harsh, I feel your situation, and have been there too. But if you are going to sit there thinking about how you don't like the way she lives, how about thinking about the way you live? You don't want to lie to people, do you? And you probably don't want to keep blowing her off, since that's not getting you any closure.

What I TRY to do (I'm no pro mind you!) is phrase the truth in a way that doesn't sound cruel. It's hard to give specifics here when I don't know what it is she's doing that you don't approve of, but: Let's say she drinks a lot and you don't. Instead of saying "You drink too much and I don't like it", you could say "To be honest, I really don't drink much, so I'd rather not hang out, the whole drinking scene is really not my thing..." You know what I mean? Both are true (if drinking were the scenario that is), but one way isn't judging her, it's just saying how YOU are instead.

As some of my recent BYCer friends here know, I recently had a problem with my trash guy. He didn't understand that I just wanted him to take my trash and leave. Instead, he would knock on my door and stand there and gab with me, and it was driving me nuts, especially because he kind of creeped me out. I just wanted him to take my trash and go. After some discussion here with other BYCers, I knew that saying "Don't knock on my door, you're creepy and I don't like chatting with you" was just too mean spirited. So instead I finally said one day "I appreciate that you stop by and check on me, but to be honest, I'm a very private person, and many times when you knock you're waking me up, so I'd appreciate it if you could give me some space. No offense, but I just wanted to let you know, but thank you for thinking of me, I'd just rather be sleeping in". That was all true. He was waking me up and I am a private person. So there was no need to mention that he was creepy and annoying, I simply worded it in a way that sounded less offensive. I'm sure he was a little hurt, I could see it in his face, but he thanked me for being forthright and he's never bothered me since.

You WILL hurt her feelings by telling her you don't want to hang out with her, but it's how you go about it that's important, in my opinion. You don't have to tell her you don't like how she lives and that she's being a pain, you can word it in a way that's more about you, and what you need right now. I think hurting her gently and honestly is better than lying to her or continuing to avoid her. To use the "drinking" analogy again, she may be relieved to know you don't want to hang out because you don't drink very much, rather than wondering if she's a bad person and wondering the worst about why you've been avoiding her, you know?

I hope that helps. Good luck!

I didn't want to get too specific- lest I offend anyone here- but she has three children, and lives off govt. "cheddar" since her DH makes alot of his money under the table- our latest phone conversation was all the nuances of her boob-job surgery (that I'm thinking my tax dollars paid for) and I just don't care! Not only that- but I'm offended that SHE doesn't care!!!

I just laughed out loud trying to imagine myself telling her that I find her boobs offensive...

I'll have to think of a different way to put that

Well Lord have mercy sister, I been there. Only in my case it was my SIL and hers. At Christmas time when they came with the kids, I stopped him at the door to our place and told him he wasn't welcome. He got in the car and tore off down the street and I don't regret it in the least. Last time i saw his sorry you know what!

Seems to me it would be easier with a non-relative. I say tell her like it A S is.

Same thing happened with their son years later and his. They had a kid and he wasn't supporting it and I told him get a job or don't come around. He don't come around.

Young relative was getting "free" rent and only 23 and perfectly healthy male. I sent the rent renewal papers to the congressman and that took care of that rental management group.

You need to speak up and tell her the truth. DW works and my kids work and I worked and so can they! You'd stop someone robbing your purse right? Well it's the same thing.

You gotta stand up for what's right

Rancher