Thanks everyone- I have not yet figured out how to split into two people..almost, but not quite.
I think everything came to a head last night..no, not last night- the night before.
I witnessed my mom in the hands of a demon- literally. The pain she was suffering was too much for me to watch, nobody should suffer that. She was banging her head off the bed rail, eyes wild- begging someone to kill her. She was shaking and beyond screaming. It was scarier when she went silent. I had to demand- no, not demand..I had to become that calm serial-killer type psycho that causes serious fear by their demeanor- think Silence of the Lambs-to get a double dose of Dilauded for my mom. No longer would I accept "we have paged the doctor. We will page him again" as an answer. Mom had received Morphine at 7, so the answer had been "she cant have anything else until 1. It was 9 oclock.
Hannibal Lecter- I was Hannibal Lecter speaking to Clarise. I told them to CALL the doctors cellphone, not page. If they couldnt call the house doctor they were to start calling any doctor in which they had a cellphone number- or else I was going to start medicating my mother myself with every pill I had in my purse until she had relief. And believe it or not, that worked. They snapped into action. I argued with a couple jerko doctors who came shortly after she received her pain shot- that only brought the pain level to a less soul wretching level, not eliminated it. These jerks were there to stick a needle into my moms knee. They wouldnt numb it first. Because, "they do this to fifty patients a day'. My response?
"A serial killer starts shooting. They kill fifty people. Doesnt make it right. Over fifty dogs are euthanized each day- doesnt make it right. How many people died when the Twin Towers fell? Did it make it right? Your numbers mean nothing, You have numbers. I have MY MOTHER. Not Your Mother. MY mother."
Jerk #1 doctor- "She has received the same dosage of pain meds that people who get their leg cut off receive." Countered that with, "And their leg is gone then right? How about the ones who leg is chewed up by a grinder, or mangled in a wreck so it is just dangling? What do they receive? I dont care about numbers and doses= I am a result person. See her? Actually look at her. See the pain? I see her pain. I dont care what dosages you quote. She is suffering and you stand here with a giant syringe and tell me you are going to stick a large needle into her knee while she is already suffering. You can quote numbers all night long- it wont change what facts are in front of me. "
Jerk #2 doctor- "You can refuse this. You can refuse anything we offer to you. That is your right."
Me; " Oh, I know that game too. I refuse, then you dont do anything further. Dont pass go, do not collect 200 dollars. You dont fix her knee, her leg, because I refused to allow you to do the next step." Next thing, she is discharged for refusing medical treatment. Nice try."
Jerk 1: "Its not a game. We dont play games."
Me: I bet you could fit a bottle of topical Lidocaine in your pocket and use it to pacify the family members of the fifty patients you do this to every day. I have topical lidocaine at work. We all know it doesnt really do a **** thing- but at least it would make the people think you TRIED to not cause more suffering. Instead you come in and act like this.
So, in summary- they stuck that needle into my moms knee and made her scream and beg. And they pulled about thirty ccs of nasty out. Later on, a doctor came and said- the stuff was too thick to make it through their machines so they couldnt test or analyze it. So, they were going to take her to surgery- and wash it out. They did. They cleaned out her septic joint capsule and removed a bunch of scar tissue; told me they might have to repeat the surgery again on Friday.
I left Mom one of these nights- its a blur- to drive to another hospital, another ER- because Kayla was doubled over with appendicitis type pain. Six hours later, we found out it was not appendicitis. Dont know what it was, but it was not that. She is going to school today. First time all week. Doing much better.
I am going to work. I think I have no choice before I am replaced. I need to work tomorrow. We have a major inspection and they need me there. However, if my mom has surgery- I wont be there for the inspection. That is for our accrediation and my new med director and manager dont have a clue how to answer the questions. That one may indeed get me in trouble. NO contest though between work and advocating for my mom. She wins.
Miss you all much. I promise one day things will be more normal and I will be able to chit chat again.
