Have absolutely just had it; I am really really losing my mind...

Discussion in 'Family Life - Stories, Pictures & Updates' started by Momagain1, May 18, 2011.

  1. Momagain1

    Momagain1 Songster

    Feb 13, 2011
    Central IL
    Ok; Gramma and Grampa have been sick for the past 4 years; living at home etc..grampa had to go to a nursing home for a while; I visited many times; but I live like an hr away. No biggie.

    Grampa moved to a closer nursing home; 45 min away; I visited about the same. Several times a year; just due to me not getting there. I did call gramma etc..
    btw-- grampa didnt even know we were there; end stages alzheimers and when we were there he was agitated. I worked w/alzheimer/elderly/disabled; the best thing to do was to not agitate him; after so many times of him being agitated; I stopped going as much. no biggie to him,..killed me..but often I had to take the kids due to Brians work schedule; it was scaring the girls...

    Grampa died Christmas eve this past yr.
    Gramma over the past couple years becamse really sick in/out of hospitals etc. My Aunt, (her daughter the only child of hers closeby) called me and asked me to come down and clean grammas house as she was in the hospital again w/a contagious illness; so Brian and I went down to her house; gowned up, cleaned it top to bottom; scrubbing, you know everything you have to do to sterilize a house!! in the heat, middle of summer for HOURS upon hours w/no air conditioning! Just to get her home! We love her!! We threw out her old expired groceries, her meals on wheels sitting on the counters w/mold on it, her expired canned goods that were LEAKING, etc.. Gramma got angry cause I moved stuff; well yeah she had 30 yr old canned goods, some were coming through the cans; we threw them out..and then afterwards; we went shopping and replaced all her groceries!! bought flowers, put them on her table, got her some sugar-free candy (diabetic) and a beautiful card and told her we're glad she's home, we love her etc..

    well she got very angry..and apparently; she was so mad; that she didnt answer my phone calls for a while etc.. (she's 94) and so I didnt go down for a while because I couldnt even get ahold of her to see if she's home etc..everytime she was in the hospital though; I went down!!! starting this past fall; we were able to get down there and she was home..she started answering her phones for us!
    So fast forward; she died a few weeks back.

    My extended family; all my cousins, my Aunt were all talking about who was sendign who/what etc.. (not in a morbid way; my grampa made beautiful AMAZING hand made walnut furniture; heirloom pieces..) well they were all getting pieces and oohing aahing on FB and posting pics etc..I NEVER asked where anything for me was..EVER

    I offered so many times to help clea the house for the estate sale.

    Then 2 wks ago thursday I got a letter from my Aunt in the mail; basically saying that she was sad for me because I didnt have a relationship with gramma; that I was the closest but blew it off etc..and gramma wrote me out of the will in September! She included the will; how mean is that? She said the reason I wasnt allowed/involved in cleaning the house for the estate sale is because Gramma said; "Marshawn didnt have time for me while I was alive, she wont have time to help after I'm gone" She then compared my involvement to my cousins; oh so and so spent the night w/grampa in the nursing home..ok; good, Heidi drove 1000 miles to see gramma several times; ok fine; Aaron/Casey came when they could (i only seen them down THREE times in the past 3 yrs)...she said she asked me to clean the house in order to nudge me into a relastionship w/gramma etc..

    WHATEVER! You know, I could have done more..everybody could have...but what my family didnt know was that I also didnt have a lot of time due to not knowing if/when Britt (DD) would kill herself, Britt was missing part of last yr, she was in/out of the psych ward, Jeron was getting beat up and suffers from severe depression/anxiety..I was doing the best I could to keep my kids alive and happy. I made the HUGE decision to pull Jeron from school and homeschool him. My marriage was in HUGE trouble...

    I didnt TELL ANY of my family this due to:
    A: its none of my extyended families business; theyve never been there for me anyway; why would they now?

    B: WHY would I want to stress gramma out w/her worrying about a great grandchilds siucidal tendencies????
    I tried to say hey; I did go down and see gramma, call her and send cards...they said no I didnt..they also said that I was selfish on FB (but didnt use my name; they said I'm so appreciative of family who were NOT selfish with their time) .. darn I mean really were they there everytime? did they install cameras?? they said gramma was lucid up until the end...REALLY? thats why she was eating moldy meals on wheels dinners?? not refrigerating the foods and getting sick from eating the rotten foods?? forgetting her meds?

    C: it was my busy season in the biz; the toy season..

    So for mothers day I was gonna go down cause my Aunt said she pulled a few things in a very small box that maybe she thought I'd like (I'm praying its pictures of my brother & daddy that have both passed) & canning jars...but after that crap; I was so hurt/upset with that letter that Brian got p-ved and said to hell with it; I'll go buy you da*n canning jars..and he did. (not enough; but some)

    I want to defriend them all and block; but I really want to keep it cool right now cause I want pictures of my daddy & brother!!! Plush hubby says if you delete/block them, they will win; b'cuz they will know that they upset me..

    thats long! I didnt even tell you everything..ok am I crazy ?? or do I have a reason to be upset-- not by the fact that I was wrote out of the will; I cant help that..but the way they are treating me now...I would say something like I did come down and see her, they'd post bafk to me I'm lying basically etc..
    Today my aunt sent me and email on FB saying if I want the canning jars to come down saturday, she's starting at 10 otherwise she's throwing them out. I said Ok, I'll check with Brian and as long as he doesnt have anything on the calendar we'll be down..and that I would have came down on mothers day, but I hadnt heard from her so I didnt come down. She then came back at me and basically said i"m lying, I didnt etc..

    I have no reason to have ties with them anymore. I NEVER get invited to anything even before my grandparents died, they'll have a get together and they'll have dinner and I'll see pics on FB of it...
    my daddy has passed..so what reason do I have? Why do I feel guilty about defriending?

    I think I've lost it..I feel so bad, so guilty, even though I did the best I could...with what I had to do...somebody talk to me..I really feel like I'm super low-piece of poo...
  2. mulewagon

    mulewagon Songster

    Nov 13, 2010
    I'm sorry, hon! Old people can get crotchety and unreasonable - that's just a fact of life. But it's really nasty for the younger family members to act like she had a reason for it, and take sides in an old lady's imaginary grievance.

    I know that as my husband's grandmother approached 100, she became forgetful and rather suspicious - she would hoard things, hide them so her relatives wouldn't steal them (she was cared for very lovingly!) This is just something that can happen in advanced age!

    I would just block all those folks from FB, or stop using FB altogether. In the old days, people would be nasty like that, but you didn't have to know about it!
  3. WingingIt

    WingingIt Songster

    Apr 16, 2009
    Sweetie, it sounds like your grandmother was telling them 'stories' recently to get sympathy and attention and they believed her. If you listened (and believed) the crap that DH's grandmother says (and she's lived with us with me as her primary caregiver for over two years now) you'd think we're the scum of the Earth and abuse her at every opportunity. It's either that, or they told her lies to keep you away because they are greedy and thought she'd give you everything. I don't know which it is, but at 94 and not knowing not to eat moldy food, my guess is #1. Either way, though, you have no guilt. You did everything you could do from afar and made the effort go down when they needed you and kept in touch as best you could while things in your own life were falling apart. There is NOTHING in that to be ashamed of.

    I'll be honest, I'd flat out ask the aunt if there are any pictures of your Dad and brother for you in that box. If there are not, I'd just write them all off for now. Free canning jars are NOT worth the pain they'll inflict on you over them. I'm a canner, I KNOW the value of those jars, but they are not worth your heart and if they can find a way to turn it around and say you couldn't come down for your grandmother (which we know was a lie) but you sure could come down to get her jars, then they will, it sounds like. I don't have FB and stories like this make me glad I don't but honestly, I'd message them and let them all know that despite what they have said, you WERE in touch with her and you did come down and clean her house and restock it with safe foods and since it's apparent that they are intent on believing otherwise, you feel it's best that you not be in contact any longer. Then bump them from your account and delete any emails that come in. Maybe in a few years when they get to talking and discover that they were all told various things about each other, too, they'll realize that you were telling the truth all along. If not, at least you have peace from them and their hurtful comments.

    I'm sorry for your loss. [​IMG]
  4. Spookwriter

    Spookwriter Crowing

    Feb 23, 2010
    One thing for sure is that life has it's moments.
    And in those moments, you see if you can stand up.
    Some can, some can't.

    But you have stood up, you and your husband were there
    when life called. And you did what you did out of love for your

    In this life, do not worry about the things that you can not change.

    And silly little people talking about you on something they don't
    know about is one of those things. You know what you did for your
    grandmother. Your husband knows. And that in itself is enough.
    As you two look at each other, you know that you went the distance

    In the end, that's what counts.

    Don't waste time worring about what people who don't know the truth
    are saying. You have more important things to do today than consider the
    words of foolish people.

    Greed is a funny thing. So it comes down to an extended family fighting over
    someones things. I guess that happens in every family sooner or later. But
    in the end, that's just stuff. Will it really make them remember their grandparents
    more, or better?

    The pictures, I understand your wanting.

    Other than that, in the long run it's just stuff. Nothing to with nothing.

    All that matters is how you accept it. You know what you and your husband
    did for her. You don't have to prove it to anyone. You have already proved to
    the people that really matter to you, the person that you are. That is your husband
    and your children.

    Don't worry about those other people.


    My father in law lived with us. My choice. My wifes brother wanted to stick him in a
    old folks home after his stroke.

    That wasn't happening.

    I made that very plain. It was about the quality of life my father in law would have in
    his time remaining. Turned out to be a few years. Wonderful. He spent it with us. With
    me mainly. I carried him, I fed him, I changed him, I bathed him.

    And in the end, I buried him.

    His son didn't know him in those last years. His choice. Seldom saw him.

    But at the fathers death, the son wanted control of the estate.

    I laughed at him, which only made him madder at me.

    Because that was only stuff.

    I had the honor and the privilage of being allowed to care for my father in law in his
    last years.

    I got the best of the deal...and I would do it again in a heartbeat.
  5. Razadia

    Razadia The Odd One

    Apr 7, 2011
    Montgomery, Alabama
    I know how you feel, trust me. My dad's cousin is a preacher and when my great aunt passed away he tried to have us all written out of the will. He succeeded in writing me out (I was just a kid and she had planned for years to give me all her horse knick knacks and beanie babies) but not my grandmother. All she got were the ducks and refused to let her have the chickens even though it was in the will. Then when my grandmother had her second stroke and couldn't make any decisions on her own, he struck again. He tried to write it so that he got the house and anything of value that he wanted. What would we get? Anything we own and kicked out into the street. Mom, dad, my two aunts, and my two uncles disputed it for our sake. So instead of him getting everything, we got the house and everyone else got what they gave her (unless they wanted us to keep it) and there were no more deputes. We stopped talking to him and going to the family reunion every year. A few months ago he called and apologized for everything. I still don't like or trust him, but if mom and dad want to start going to the family reunions again, that's fine by me. I love to cook, it just give me a chance to cook a LOT.
  6. Momagain1

    Momagain1 Songster

    Feb 13, 2011
    Central IL
    Thanks you guys...I kjnow I did what I could..but somehow I'm just letting it get to me how they are treating me...and of course; my Aunt says no one is picking on me, that I brought this on myself by not being a part of her life (grammas)...

    Gramma gave me NO sort of angry/indication when I was there last time...ya know??
  7. Spookwriter

    Spookwriter Crowing

    Feb 23, 2010
    Momagain, believe it or not but right now you're among friends.
    We're here because we choose to be.

    I've seen you post about selling toys a few times now. I'm kind of
    interested in how that works. You sell new toys? In a store, to a store?
    Can you tell us about it?

    But skip that...I'm more interested in your yesterday. Did I hear Doctor
    appointment? I don't like those people. They hurt.

    And that shopping trip with your friend afterwards? What did you find?

    Spook...wants to know
  8. WingingIt

    WingingIt Songster

    Apr 16, 2009
    Last edited: May 18, 2011
  9. Momagain1

    Momagain1 Songster

    Feb 13, 2011
    Central IL
  10. debilorrah

    debilorrah The Great Guru of Yap Premium Member

    Step one is to find out what is in that box. Step 2 is to write a general letter and send it to everyone that has hurt you, let them know the real deal, and tell them that you no longer wish to be a doormat and you will not stand for them putting you down regarding things they have no idea what REALLY happened.

    Step 3 - grieve the loss of idiot family members that would rather thrive on drama than love.

    Step 4 - start canning with the few jars you have and move on.

    I had a difficult relationship with my mother, and it took me 46 years to reach the point where I just would not put up with it anymore. She is clear now what she can and cannot say to me. [​IMG]

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