Have i expected too much?

Discussion in 'Family Life - Stories, Pictures & Updates' started by clubby, Aug 4, 2011.

  1. clubby

    clubby Out Of The Brooder

    27
    0
    22
    Jul 10, 2011
    Its takeing me a week to write this purely because when i say it to myself it kinda sounds like im whineing so id like your honest opinion
    A bit bout me , im not pushing 50 anymore im dragging it , divorced with 2 grown sons and 2 grandchildren , i recently mouved an hrs drive to an area that i dont know anybody , my sons live beside each other and a half hr drive from me ,when i mouved 2yrs ago i was quite upset at leaveing my job /the place i grew up and my mam who lived next door to me ,the day i mouved my sons and future daughter-inlaw assured me i was not on my own and everything would work out fine ,i sold my home to get away from a lowzy relationship id been in for a long time and put a lot of blood sweat and tears not to mention money into my home ,anyway after the sale it was like a relive to be away from the grief and now think of here as home .
    Whats angered me ..well more hurt me is i have gotten little or no support from my sons ,up until they got their own homes we were very close and always had a great relationship but when the wife/partner came on the scene all those yrs of rearing them went straight down the tubes ,i rarely get a visit and as this place needed so much work because an elderly lived here and it was vacant for 2yrs ,so you can imagine what the house and garden was like . I know the girls see their familys every week so what is it about sons that they have lots of time to spend time with their inlaws but are far to busy to visit and help me out from time to time ,its hard going here financialy and the sheer workload ,most days im ok but theres days when im overwhelmed with the whole lot ,im no shrinking violate when it comes to work and iv bonded and skimmed the walls ,fixed burst pipes dureing the freeze and sorted a dodgy washing machine ,it would be just nice sometimes for the phone to ring and here one of my sons say Hiya mam wel be down to give you a dig out ,this week iv turned my phone off ,i dont need calls just to say hiya when they know im struggleing .
    So the Question is ..am i been selfish /unreasonable to expect a helping hand ?

    Appologies if i made you guys nodd off , i know it was a long one.
     
  2. chicmom

    chicmom Dances with Chickens

    8,613
    163
    316
    Feb 24, 2009
    Strasburg Ohio
    Hello!

    It is hard when your sons marry and leave the nest. I can understand how you feel, because I have two sons, but now the wife HAS to come first. One of my sons is married to a great gal, and sometimes I don't see him as much as I'd like.

    What I do, is call them, and ask them to come over for dinner. I try to see them at least once a week, but sometimes it goes as long as two weeks. The my son works full time supporting his wife and baby, and my daughter-in-law is a mommy now, and she babysits for extra cash. I think I'd be more involved, but I work full time too.

    Here's what I recommend: Communication! The boys can't read your mind, so you have to ask for help if you need it. "Boys, I need some help with my plumbing, or whatever. Would you be able to come by this weekend and help me out? I'll fix you a nice dinner!"

    If they've always been good helpers to you in the past, I'll bet they would help you. And don't turn off your phone. Let them call you just to say hello! That's wonderful.

    Again, I totally understand your feelings, often us moms feel disgarded once their sons have girlfriends and wives, but sometimes our kids get so busy with their lives that they don't automatically think about their parents needing help. So, instead of feeling hurt and angry, and getting so mad you turn off that phone, just ask for help!

    And hugs to you! Trust me, I know how you feel.......

    Take care!
     
  3. cassie

    cassie Overrun With Chickens

    4,792
    387
    281
    Mar 19, 2009
    There is an old poem. It goes like this:

    A daughter is a daughter all of her life,
    A son is a son 'til he takes a wife.

    That said, you need to communicate with your sons. Don't nag, but ask for help when you need it. It may not occur to them to offer. Guys can be pretty dense. Dinner is a good lure, er, suggestion.
     
  4. DuckLady

    DuckLady Administrator Staff Member

    32,318
    1,018
    511
    Jan 11, 2007
    Washington State
    Yeah, you need to tell men what you need. They rarely think to ask.

    Next time you talk to them say, "Hey when you get a chance, can you help me with........ or can you do.........for me?"

    My MIL would call and demand that we drop everything to attend to her chores and needs. Which meant we didn't do it. But when she would (rarely) ask nicely, we would gladly help her.
     
  5. clubby

    clubby Out Of The Brooder

    27
    0
    22
    Jul 10, 2011
    Chickmom i would be over the moon if i got a visit from 1 or the other once a week or fortnight, i do get asked for dinner to my eldest son as it the only chance i get to see my beautiful grandchildren ,but im out of work now and can only afford 1 trip to see my own mother on saturdays , i make sure i have enough petrol for that , i do pass my sons door on the way and would love to kill 2 birds with 1 stone but their over at her mothers on that day ,he knows i dont have mony for petrol to visit ,he on the other hand has free petrol with his job ,his wife works in a bank so their not on the breadline ,my son went through a personality transplant when he met his wife and all his friends dropped off 1 by 1 because none of them liked her ,he was fit /healthy /thoughtfull and i just oozed pride ,her family on the other hand were drinkers and had a bar in their garden ,and it was down hill after that ,every weekend it was a stay over at her place so his training stopped (tao-kwan-do)he dosnt have friends anymore outside her family anymore .
    When they started dateing i was very fond of her but i can pinpoint the day i knew how she felt about me ,the 3 of us went to the city ,i wanted my first tatoo for my birthday and the place was busy with only 1 seat available and she went for it , my son said ..let my mam sit which i thought was respectful because thats the way i was raised and i raised him ,but the look she gave him spoke volumes ,she also caused a lot of trouble when between me and my x when she stayed over at ours by haveing loud arguments and generaly been disrespectfull in our home .
    Im always polite to her and i know she has to come first ,of course she does but even at their wedding none of my family( which is small) are in any photos and the christnings were the same .
    Its just very hurtfull that he turned his back on his own family ,when he was growing up my folks idolised him and his brother but he dosnt even bother to visit her with her greatgrandchildren ,she been in and out of hospital a lot , when im short my mam helps me out and askes me does my sons not help me out ,i hate it when i have to say no they dont ,it just seems that the more well off they get the more thoughtless they get , its a true saying which im sure you have heard..A daughter is your daughter for the whole your whole life but your son is only your son till he meets his wife ,my daughter-inlaw and other sons family have gained 2 wonderfull son-inlaws ,i just lost 2 sons .
     
  6. chicmom

    chicmom Dances with Chickens

    8,613
    163
    316
    Feb 24, 2009
    Strasburg Ohio
    Aww, clubby. That's alot more info than you offered the first time.....Hugs to you! I don't know what to say, I can only say that, the more you dislike her, the more you son will distance himself from you. It will make you seem like the bad guy.

    I know it is hard, but maybe you can be the bigger person, and let go of the hurt you're feeling. Maybe you can reach out, and say, "Son I miss you, let's visit! Explain the situation about the gas because, sometimes our kids just aren't that sharp to realize, "Hey, mom is broke right now and doesn't have the gas money!"

    Here's an idea! You're on the computer, so maybe you could send you son a nice message? Or even call him and talk about how lonely you feel, without getting upset, or pointing fingers. Reach out with that olive branch! Somebody's gotta do it!

    I sure wish you the best and hope everything works out.
     
  7. clubby

    clubby Out Of The Brooder

    27
    0
    22
    Jul 10, 2011
    Im so slow at typing lol, i have asked both of them straight out and all i get is hmm ye ok ..my youngest son and his partner were great when i mouved first but since he got his new job (less hrs more money ) i dont see either so much ,againn they spend at least 1 day with her family, thats my point ,its all about the girls family .
    Another reason i think is my pets , iv had animals all my life and their all rescues ,i always believed it was good for kids to have respect and compasion for animals ,BUT the girls are not animal lovers at all , so if i can mannage to put petrol in the car and visit i cant leave my dogs for long and have to bring 1 with me ,but she stays in the car ,funny how my pets never bothered them when they wanted to stay over but now that they have their own homes its a dog free zone . When my youngest son and partner were buying their home 2yrs ago the builder done a deal whereby the more cash they paid the more he knocked off the price ,whatever way it worked out they needed a signed document for the bank to say that me and his dad were giveing them 20grand ,her folks wouldnt signe it but we did , they would have lost it otherwise ,theres another saying that goes ..eaten cake is soon forgotten , i have always been there at the drop of a hat to help both of them ,i just think its a 2 way street the same as any other relationship ,but its all take and no give, maybe its time i stopped giveing .

    Thanks folks for letting me twitter on ,its good just been able to write it down .
     
  8. ChickyChickyBaby

    ChickyChickyBaby Barefoot Bantams

    Well. It takes effort from both sides.

    Background: I am the oldest of 2 daughters. I married the youngest of 2 sons. My DH is a momma's boy, and the first to get married. Can you imagine the way my inlaws could have been?


    I made it a point to let his mom know I was not there to take her son, but to join their family as a daughter, if they would have me [​IMG] We got married & his parents were right there almost everyday. If a day went by without at least phone call, they came by to check up and be sure we were all ok. I know some think that is too much, we lived 5 miles from them - and only half a mile from MILs work - but DH worked second shift then, I worked third, then DD started kindergarten so we were pretty busy most of the time. This also did not bother me, because I absolutely love his family. His mom and I were closer than my own mother and I were/are. It was a relationship that we both worked at and enjoyed. We both made that effort.

    I do not know how things would have worked out if she and I both had not made an effort to get along. She even taught me couponing!


    Unfortunately, we married in 1993, and my MIL passed in 1997. My & DD's time with her was short lived. (DD is by a previous relationship, but you never would have known to see my MIL & FIL & DD together). I was there with MIL through a 2 week hospital stay in another state, through the aftermath of breast cancer, and so much more. She often referred to me as her daughter. Her doctors did also [​IMG] Now I take care of FIL. I do more than anyone other than DH, DD, FIL and myself know. I stayed overnight with him in the hospital in ICU several times. He was only in ICU one night without me. That was the only and last time that happened.

    We cannot depend on my DH's brother, for much of anything.


    I do know from having so many family responsibilities that I have to actually say to DH, "Your dad needs XYZ done." or " Your dad has a water leak, go fix it, I can't" Of course DH is expected to do the 'male' work, since I am a girl & all..... [​IMG]

    I do not do as much for my own parents. [​IMG] I do see my mom once a week to help her clean house, they are in another state (but not that far away) and my mom is stubborn and will not ask for help even when she needs it.

    ............

    Call. Ask them when they can come help with XYZ. Ask them to bring their wife/partner and eat with you afterwards.
    That being said....it should not be all take and no give. There has to be boundaries. Only you can decide what those are.
     
    Last edited: Aug 4, 2011
  9. clubby

    clubby Out Of The Brooder

    27
    0
    22
    Jul 10, 2011
    You sound like the perfect daughter-inlaw , how lucky they are its all about give and take , you see with my house been a bit of a building site they give it a wide birth ,i have no problem asking for help ,but i wont keep asking them,if they had been more helpfull at the start it would have been nearly finnished by now.
    I was actually asked a few months ago to babysit my 1 and a half yr old grandaughter , needless to say i jumped at the chance to stay over because it was her sisters wedding so naturaly her mother would be there , i even took her down for breakfast and told them to have an extra hr in bed because it was a late night and i knew i wouldnt be asked againn till the next time her mother is not available ,Thank God for facebook ,i asked my son to put up vidios instead of pics ,better than nothing i suppose .
     

BackYard Chickens is proudly sponsored by