Having a only child??????Help

[tobin123]

SO we have our son(9)happiest little farmer boy ever.I had a very bad pregnancy(bed rest,high blood pressure) so we decded to have only one child.Well 9 years later and I am so jealous when I see someone either pregnant or with a baby,many reasons.I wonder if our son needs a sibling even though that is a big age gap.and I feel that I am missing something or am I just thinking/stressing too much.YES hubby is okay but not til later this year but when I start to talk about all the reasons to go for it and not to he just agrees either or.Why is it so easy for him and I am going crazy?Is it worth taking the risk of health problems again?I am okay at times with Zachary being the only kid,he is awesome.WE homeschool and he loves it and we can go to auctions and flea markets all the time we really have ab last as a famiy of 3.I am reaching out to you all BC I do not know anyone that has only 1 child at all,everyone is going for more.We are financially where we want to be,I stay at home full time and homeschool we do the 4H thing.
There is a issue if we go for it and have a girl we would have to add on to our 2 bedroom house eventually and yes that will cost some $$$$$$,Iknow $$$$ isn't that big of a deal but I want to give Zach a college education if he desires,I never had the opportunity.
THANKS for listening to me gabb on and on.
Be Nice now.
Blessings
Jamie

 

[Spookwriter]

We've just the one child, a 10 year old daughter. Born to us
late in life. A very spoiled child, but happy enough.

Her friends allowed sleepovers, we generally take one or two
of her friends with us to most things we do. (Movies, zoo and such)

I also try to be her "playmate" as well as her father. We ride bikes
and do things together. I even have shoulder legenth hair for the sole
purpose of her being able to "do" my hair. Curlers, braid, pigtail...the
whole nine yards. Same with little girls make-up. It can't hurt me, and it
helps her learn.

We're a happy family of three. (But we can generally catch another child
when we need one.)

 

[Equus5O]

Our son is 8 1/2. His older sister, from my husband's previous marriage, is 21. I'm 42 and my husband is 46. We are not having any more children. He would like more, but it ain't gonna happen! Plenty of times I feel badly that my son is an only child. We essentially live in the middle of nowhere. I try to keep him involved in extra-curricular activities. It does get hard. He gets lonely.

I really don't think I was in a position to have another child. I used 13 years worth of accumulated sick time when Eric was born. Now, I don't have that sick time in the bank, and we live 72 miles from my work. I'm up at 4:00 am for work, and on a good day I'm home between 4:00 and 5:00 pm. How would I have managed if I had had another baby?

I just do the best I can for my little boy. And I know that it frequently isn't enough.

 

[squeakyballs]

Hrmm...

Have you thought about adoption? Or being a foster mom? I've heard some wonderful stories, and we talk about doing it when we are financially on our feet (and our only child is a little older than 2).

It would eliminate any worry about your health, and bridge the age gap.

I know it isn't for everyone though.

 

[EweSheep]

Having an only child have their advantages and disadvantages but many of us can not have more than one child. I, for one, can not have any more children.

I had a wonderful pregnancy, no morning sickness except for the usual aches and pains when the baby grew as the months went on. Labor was good, had an epidural which it went great until after almost two hours of pushing, my dd's head was pressing on my scatic nerve and causing pain down on my leg. No matter what and how the nurses did, cranked up the epidural but it did not take care of the pain until my OB doc came in and feel around. UH OH! My dd's head was compressing on the side of my pelvis rather than going into the birth canal. So it called for emergency c-section. From then on, it went downhill, had a problematic recovery, a hot and cold chills that I could not bounce back, in so much pain in belly and back, and then later within a month, I had infection of the c-section and mastitis on top of it. It was hell for me! From that day on, with so many visits to doctors, they still can not find out why I am still in pain and the closest thing to it, would be fibromyglia and not yet dx for it. Aches and pain on top of it every day. Another thing was my age, I just turned 39 years old when I had my dd six years ago.

I didnt want to endure all of this again, risking myself more pain and possibly crippling me any further and having a down's syndrome baby risks, I decided to have my tubes tied. I would love to have more but I have MORE love to give to my daughter and be able to focus on her and making her be whatever she wants to be when she grows up. She would not have to fight for room, toys, etc. but still have some social problems of sharing and problem solving without yelling to share with her classmates without bullying. If she had another sibling, she probably woudl have some idea to share or not share at all. Due to the ecomonic downfall, with me lost my job just before I found out I was pregnant, and hubby having a full time job that ended badly, as much as I hated it, we had to go on Public Aid for the very first time in our lives when we have worked since high school. Limited funds but glad to cash in my 401K to pay for my dd's crib, clothes, diapers, etc. while I had to declare bankruptcy on my house, my truck and everything I had lost before we were married, put down a downpayment on a new house (under hubby'sname), got a used van and we made it so far.

As for being jealous, I am happy with what I got and the decision we both made in not having any more kids to burden ourselves broke or depending on the Public Aid (some folks would just churn out more kids, for more money, more food stamps and stay on welfare).

There are questions you might need to ask yourself: is it for selfish reasons because of the attention the pregnant moms are getting? If not, you may just want to have more of your husband's children because you love him and want more of his "clones" LOL...that is not a selfish reason.
As for the risks, would you risk it again? Even it might jeopardize yourself and the fetus? are you willing to face the ramifications of having permanent damage to yourself and the fetus? Are you willing to take on a handicap child if something went wrong? Or the co pays of expensive hospital stays?
Would you be able to afford the extra expense of adding on another room? If so, how much would it set you back? Can you do both in supporting the extra $ for adding a bedroom or bigger mortgage AND Zach's college education?

Honestly, I think it is a normal feeling but do keep talking to your husband in how you feel and how he feels about having a new baby in the family. Do not worry about the age gap because I have two nephews that was that age when their baby sister came along and they were doting on her and now they hated her LOLOL and they fight like cats and dogs LOLOL.

Once you have made your decision, you wont regret it, ever!

Good luck!

 

[jendh]

I really can't speak to the only child issue (I have three) but I wonder if you've considered adoption. I know in my county there are plenty of "older" kids that are waiting for a home through Children Services. From what I understand, the adoption process through a county is much less expensive than a private adoption. Of course, if you really want the baby experience again (and who could blame you, babies are awesome) that probably wouldn't be for you. This is just what popped into my head as I was reading your post. Best wishes to you and your family. Whatever you decide, I'm sure it will be the right thing to do.

Jen


I need to type faster. GMTA Tucson Tofu!

 

[chics in the sun]

I also have only one child, a three year old son. I had planned on having more, but my husband passed away when my son was two months old. I am dating a great guy now with two daughters, 10 and 13, but they are only with us every other weekend. We do not foresee having any children together, and sometimes I do wonder if I will have regrets later. Right now this simply feels like the way it was meant to be for us, but if that is not how it feels to you, then maybe you should consult your doctor or even talk about it in couples counseling to really figure out what you both want together and why. I, too, sometimes feel guilty about him not having any full-time siblings, but I just don't see it happening and I've made my peace with it. One thing I would consider in your position since you are home-schooling, making sure he has lots of opportunities to be around other children, particularly structured activities/ sports type stuff where he is required to learn to share and cooperate. That's just my 2 cents.

 

[tobin123]

Wow,I am getting teary now.We have thought about adoption and fostering but the income and this economy we can't go there.We might be able to think about fostering when our house is totally finished.I am not trying to be selfish at all I just think I want to have a big happy family full of our kids,our own family.The health reasons I know it probably isn't worth it but we take risks with pregnancy and not knowing it.I didn't know I would have blood pressure and PPD so bad.I forgot that part Ihad PPD really bad and still have depression a little.Zachary is in 4H an homeschool co-op as well as many friends that homeschool.
Just give him a auction house or animals and he is fine*that is how he likes it*Thanks alot for sharing your stories it is nice to know that others are ther too.
Blessings
I just blogged about this on my website,please visit me there.
Jamie

 

[bantamamba]

I am going to second that adoption/fostering might be good, if you truly want to look after more children of a specific gender/age.

Just wanted to add my 2c here...I am an only child myself. For years and years it was just me and my mother. It wasn't half bad. I had a few very close friends, my father's side of the family tended to spoil me rotten as I was the only grandchild, and I was luckily an imaginative sort who could entertain myself for hours without complaint. The only slight downside was that I learned how to carry on conversations and associate with adults quite early on, and as a youngster I was prone to shyness...which I soon grew out of. I periodically would wonder what it would have been like to have a sib, but it was never a big thing with me, even when all my friends had siblings.

My mother was able to afford commuting clear across California once a week in order for me to have cello lessons, therefore helping my dream come to reality -- something she might not have been able to do had I a sibling. Very grateful for that. Technically, I'm not even supposed to be here...after some intense scarring the docs told her she would never have children.

The way I see it...there is nothing wrong with being an only child, your kid will make friends and be normal and happy. He will either learn self-dependence early on...or become clingy...clingyness being the only downside I can foresee, but it can be avoided.

If you feel like you can't afford another child (not saying you can't, just that...if you want to ensure he has a good higher education, etc.., like you said), by all means, don't bring another one into this life. I know too many people who have far more kids than they can safely support, afford education for, and they are not really happy. It might be somewhat of a trend to have more than one baby, but the kid isn't going to be any worse off if he remains an "only".

 

[tobin123]

You all are pointing out the truth and thanks alot for all the advice,you all rock!!!!!!

I am thinking that you are all right in every way and I need to let my hubby read all of these BC he will not matter what.It is just harder when it is just the 3 of us really no other family,we have them but not in our lives.they choose to live different paths than ours and they choose to communicate anymore.
Thanks