Help w/rude grandmother.

[biddybird]

Your post described my Grandma's actions exactly about 30 years ago. It was very annoying and embarrassing and I found her very hard to be around.

Now 35 years later my own kids complain similarly about their Grandparents.

I understand totally where you are coming from and I'm not sure that there is an easy answer or cure. But since caring for my Grandma who is now 91, I have learned that they get into a age where they have a wealth of living and grew in an age totally different from mine. The times, and way people act are very different from when she was younger. Remarks and slurs are not excepted, even from the elderly, that were excepted as normal then. Without knowing your Grandmother, I can not say, but now I know mine was not trying to be rude, annoying, disrespecful, embarrassing and insensitive, but at the time, I felt all of that. I barely went around her for some time and definately didn't bring friends around her. I never knew what she was going to say.
Now, while it still doesn't make it right, I realize she was actually trying to share her knowledge on some things and in other instances she was really just talking to me like she would have to any other adult. Saying the same things she always had in her time and age. I realized now that alot of personal information she shared with neighbors, people we had in common, etc. was probably to a degree showing she was involved in our lives and small talk to her. She probably didn't see it as being information not to be shared. She didn't like my friends either, and in some accounts she was probably right. But in her "vision" for me they were different and I'm not sure what would please her at the time. She bragged about my mothers kids to my aunt and cousins and visa-versa. For awhile, I didn't know it went both ways, it made me feel like they were so much better than us. She bragged to everyone and made us out to be so perfect, I never knew what to say when I was approached with one of my many accomplishments that she had spoke of. Not total un-truths but not to me anything as big as she made them. Now, I feel she was proud of us all and when people her age get together they all talk. It just looks and sounds different hearing it.
In a whole, I would bet she is really proud of you. Older people express things different and in my case what I though at the time was condescending, what actually her way trying to improve me, they all want us to be Doctors and Lawyers. I know my Grandmother thought I should be President and she did instill a self motivation attitude into me with all her actions, but I think in the long run she settled for me to be me-----eventually. Oh and by the way, practically all I wore was garage sale and hand-me-downs too and she saw plenty of those herself. I'm sure she would have liked me to always have plenty of money and she always told me to marry money, but was plenty happy when I married a hard working man.

I don't know if any of this helps, but try not to be too mad at her. Don't try to change her, it won't happen. Try to step into her shoes and look from her angle. We all get older and come from a different perspective. I waisted quite a few years being aggravated at a very special lady. Didn't really understand some her actions until the last ten years. Now my cousins and I laugh at alot of what she said and did when we were younger. I'm guessing since you wrote that you are looking for answers and I hope I may have filled in a few of your blanks. I wish someone could have told me then what I know now. Best Wishes!

 

[Peaches Lee]

Thank you all for your responses!

Well, this is not something new unfortunately. There was even a period when we were not on speaking terms when I was younger because she waged all-out war on us for my mom's brother...

We did reconcile and she feels remorse for the things she did, we forgave...but haven't forgot. I can't completely cut her out of my life as when she behaves herself she is really great and fun, plus her beau (whom I found and introduced to her

) is an awesome guy that has been like a grandfather to me--and I enjoy him so much. Unfortunately I think she realizes we put up with her stuff because of him, so her behavior kind of runs amok a bit.

I think my best bet is to just tell her when she does the offending deed, right then and there. She is kind of going through a jealousy spell now with one of her siblings and I think that is leaking over to other people who are doing "better than her" or what she'd like to be doing and garners some negativity and hence some people are scumbags, or loose moraled or whatever prejudice drum she's banging today.

Sometimes though, her remarks can leave me dumbfounded. Like the time we were all sitting under a tent on a warm summer day and she said in an elite tone "well, I wonder what the poor people are doing today"

I couldn't believe that remark! How offensive!

OK, well thank you. I think I now have some inclination of which direction to head in. Again, thanks so much.

 

[Sword]

Quote:
Yikes, she sounds like a nice version of my paternal grandmother.

 

[CluckyJay]

Granny needs this!

 

[chicmom]

Oh my! You're describing my MOTHER to a Tee!

She is very caddy, and will cut you to the quick whenever she can. She's 70 and Dad is 72, and they get grouchier by the day, it seems. Never approving of the way I dress, or my husband......I was married twice. The first time it was to my son's dad--15 years. The second marriage is still going strong--11 years. She doesn't like my step kids, and I really have to watch what I tell her because then she will call my alcoholic sister (who I'm not close with), and share personal info with her.

One thing is clear, she will never change. So I just let her go on...blah...blah...blah, and then I handle things the way I want to.

All I can say is sometimes you just need to vent!

And I understand what you're going through.

 

[shellyga]

Just remember that she is family.. and although her behavior is not what you would want it to be.. she will not live forever. Enjoy her while you have her.

Shelly

 

[sumi]

Poor you!

I understand totally. My mom's like that, in a way. My personal life is her favourite topic of conversation. And she even tells people my business in front of me! Like really private stuff... I've reached a point where I think three times before I tell her anything.
I've found that people sometimes pick on characteristics in other's that they envy or are guilty of themselves. Like my monster in law, accused me of being greedy and money obsessed, said I'm lazy, don't have manners... Over time she proved herself very guilty of all three of the above. She was just trying to drag me down to her level.
So I'd say avoid your gran if you can, watch your mouth in front of her and if she interrupts you while you are talking tell her politely that you can speak for yourself and if she has anything to add she can wait 'till you've finished. Just do it!

 

[Dar]

Quote:
If it is recent, and she goes to the doctor, make sure someone accompanies her that can explain her behavior.

I know here I was able to go to my dads doctor who does know me from suzie q and talk with him about my dads health concerns..

I called and when the receptionist answered I told her who I was and who my dad is and explained that I have concerns about my dad and I would like to talk to his doctor. she booked the appointment. The doctor cant tell you anything in the file. BUT the doctor can and does listen to family members. I told him about my dads diabetes and how he does not take his medication properly and how he will behave himself a few days before the appointment to bring the vitals back to normal to fool the doctor. I also told him about my dads vision problems and how I think its related to his condition. and about how he drives with the white line down the middle of the truck (so he is in the middle of the road) I also told him that while driving his truck he pulled down the hydro wires and several telephone poles when the trailer he was pulling tore them up after he took the corner to sharp (he is a transport driver)

my dad no longer drives anything other then a tri-cycle

the doctors sometimes rely on the family to tell the whole story they know when their patients are lying sometimes... but some conditions are not picked up by a blood test.

 

[danielle82]

I don't think she sounds that bad. You have a grandma that loves you and wants to be with you, she may be critical of your attire, but I've learned that when "older" people are taking an interest in me and "informing" me of there opinion, its because they care.
I live in a very small town and I have gotten used to the talk that goes along with it....Having the bank teller hear about a beloved animal being put down is NOT that bad. Trust me. I was rumored to have left my husband for another man and moved away.
Don't worry about what other people think, if people want to believe that you are only interested in men with money thats their problem (unless your behavior backs it up). There are worse things that dating wealthy men to be accused of.
She is not stealing from you, she is not hateful, she is critical and full of false information.....she is elderly.
As someone who does not have either of my grandma's around, I am happy for you that you have her and can have these memories of her driving you nuts

 

[gmendoza]

sounds like an old codger.

I hope I am that way or more when I get up there.