Help w/rude grandmother.

[Peaches Lee]

This has been bothering me for a long time, so it's nothing new. But I can't take it anymore and I need some suggestions on how to handle this, because I am at a loss. Here are some of the things she does:

1) Mis-represents me and my mother by making outrageous claims such as racial slurs, elitist remarks and here is something she said to give you an idea. At a restaurant she told a waitress that I was only interested in dating guys that had lots of $$$$!!---that is BY FAR the furthest thing from the truth! Another thing she said is that she doesn't like shopping at Wal-Mart because it's full of scum bags! We shop there all the time.

2) She speaks of my friends/acquaintances (that she doesn't know) incorrectly and usually in a way that would portray them to be a bad person or looks as if I portray them to be a bad person.

3) She reveals personal things about our lives that we'd really like to not have revealed. As in, we are her favorite subject to talk about, to anyone, no joke. Example: One time my mother went to cash a check at the bank and the teller says "Oh, I heard you had to put your horse down!" My mother was very devastated by the loss of her horse and this statement from the teller really upset her.

4) My grandmother brags about us and all of our accomplishments to the point that it makes us look like superior elitists, to the point where people can't stand us and don't like us. We are not elitists. We do community service, a lot benefits for those in need, rescue animals (regardless of species

) all out of pocket, heck I even wear garage sale clothes! Most of my shoes have holes in them, believe me, I am not thinking I'm superior!

5) Constantly comments about our clothes to the point we have become self-concious and uncomfortable--especially in public.

6) Always helping my conversations along. I am very quiet, soft-spoken and terrible at small talk. So when I do speak, it is with purpose and direction and has a point that I wish to get across---my grandmother will interupt me and drown me out, taking over the consversation and fills it with ridiculous false-guided statements.

7) Condescending towards us and others--she told me that my job (working for a landscape business) wasn't a "real" job.

I could go on, but I realize this is a bit long. To rap it up she is a like a female Archie Bunker to the 5th power.

I've tried speaking to her nicely and asking her to please stop and she becomes defensive, nasty and combative and says that I'm just picking on her and being critical of her.

Any help from the BYC crowd on how to handle this?

 

[off-grid hen]

She sounds a little like my mother-in-law. I am sure that once people talk with her a little they can EASILY see what type of person she is, and they won't believe a word she says. If they ask you about some of the things she has told them, you can dispell the rumors.

Other than that, keep all topics to small talk. The less she knows about you, the less she can spread. If she asks why you don't share things, tell her. I did this with my mother-in-law. She didn't like it, but there it is. When she asks me personal questions, I tell her that I don't wish to share that. She asks why, and I tell her that the last time I shared something with her, she told half the town, and she messed half of it up besides. She gets defensive too, but I explained that it's because I like my privacy. I don't take her personally, she treats everyone that way. I don't think she realizes that her gossiping hurts her just as much as it hurts other people. People look down on her because of it.

If keeping the conversation impersonal doesn't work, then limit your exposure to her, and WATCH what you say around her. You will not change her ways, you can only change how you react to them.

Good luck.

 

[DuckLady]

For starters, don't tell her anything you don't want broadcasted to the community.

Secondly, is this behavior a recent change? If so, encourage her to see a doctor for a complete physical.

When you hear about her saying this or that, just roll your eyes and say "yeah, isn't she something else. Sorry, I can't explain her behavior" then move to another more interesting subject.

Call her on it. Tell her that her behavior is unacceptable and unless she can behave herself, you won't be going out of your way to spend time with her.

 

[Sierra pachie bars]

Sometimes when people get older they get bitter and grumpy.
My dad is that way. Why I no longer talk to him. Evererything was negative . Once he flipped me off at the table on Christmas in front og my kids, it was time to cut contact.
Sometimes you need to just say hey you aree negative and it hurts me and my family. So either it stops or you will no longer be able to see me. I love you , but i do not deserve this.
I love my parents, but i do not like their treatment of me. It always had me a ball of stress. I haven't spoken to then in going on 10 years or so. Its their loss not mine. They choose to be the way they are.
Sometimes the word family doesn't mean to much. I also doesn't give those people right to verbally abuse their loved ones just because they can.

 

[Chickerdoodle13]

My grandfather often says and does things that make me upset. I've tried arguing, reasoning, and getting angry. None of that works though because no matter what I do, he is set in his way of thinking. So now I mostly just ignore his comments. He's always been a stubborn person and with some people it's just like they say: "You can't teach an old dog new tricks".

As for the nasty things she is saying directly to you, sit down with her and tell her she is making you feel uncomfortable. Don't just blame her for this and that when you speak to her. Instead use words like "When you do that, it makes me feel ____". If she's been like that throughout her entire life, then you probably won't change her now, but at least you can let her know how you feel. Then if she continues to do it, spend less time with her. She may be family, but unless there is a medical reason for her nastiness (which might be possible) you certainly don't have to subject yourself to behavior that makes you feel bad.

 

[sourland]

Limit your association with her to the minimum. Toxic people are just that. Do not allow her to drag you down. Upon the death of my mother, I "divorced" myself from a negative family member-- I've never looked back or had regrets it was one of the best things that I have ever done.

 

[Mattemma]

Print your post and give it to her.Tell her if she can not behave in a way that is tolerable for you then you will no longer have contact with her. Just be sure to follow through on your part.

There is no reason you need to tolerate her just because she is family.

 

[ChickyChickyBaby]

My favorite saying when a friend or relative does or says something really outrageous/stupid/etc to complete strangers:

"I apologize for my friend/aunt/grandma, they don't let her out very often, just an occasional day trip."



Of course I cannot convey the tone & looks I use, but it leads people think she lives at the nuthouse.

I do this to my best friend quite often. Matter of fact, just did it when we met for lunch yesterday.

 

[ChickyChickyBaby]

Quote:
If it is recent, and she goes to the doctor, make sure someone accompanies her that can explain her behavior.

 

[KristyHall]

I agree with terrielacy. if this is relatively new behavior something may be wrong health wise. Pain, illness, and other problems can lead to behavioral change. If she is always this way then if it were me I would make an effort to avoid her. if it is unavoidable call her on her bad behavior right when she does it.

i would say something like "i am sure you don't man anything by it but ( insert issue) really hurts my feelings, or really bothers me." if that doesn't work a tougher approach may be needed.

when m y sister first got sick she had a radical personality change. she and i were always fighting. finally when i forced myself to approach her issues calmly, we were able to resolve our problems at the same time my sister was finally able to get help for her health problems that was making her so miserable. she is a much different person now and in some ways so am i. we both make an effort to approach things calmly with each other because of our tumultuous history with each other.