How do you live with a smoker?

[muddy75]

I have posted a bit of a vent before, but to sum it up, my mom lives with us since her divorce, (like 8+ years). She contributes very little to the household. We ask for no money, she doesn’t cook or buy food. I can’t trust her to watch the kids or even let out my dogs. She has one agreed upon chore, doing the dishes, aka running the dishwasher. She does it less than half the time, even though she only works about 15-20 hours per week at the mall. We bought her a car when she neglected hers too long and it broke, now the new used car is getting clunky because she does no up keep. it’s literally like having a teenager.

At some point she must have had some kind of mental break, because she has always been irresponsible, but near and after the divorce I noticed it was way worse than ever before. However suggesting to someone that they are mentally unwell does not get received well, so there will be no treatment until she’s so bad off that I need to legally get involved, let’s hope that’s far down the line.

My biggest issue and pet peeve is her constant smoking. I don’t allow it in the house and I never have. She strangled my brothers and I our whole lives by filling the house, car, wherever with smoke. As a kid I got many burns because I ran to hug my mom and got burned and then punished on top of that for not being careful. I recently looked at old pics of my kids from Halloween a few years ago. My son was 2, and I see him laying face down on the sidewalk crying, she is holding one hand to try to get him up, and waving her cigarette behind her in the other. Your frickin grandson fell and is crying, throw the cigarette in the street and pick him up. You can see me and my daughter in the background of the photo running towards them, hubby must have snapped the pic just as he fell.

Smokers seem to have this unreasonable level of selfishness. She throws cigarette butts on my walk, my deck, my porch, my lawn. I tell her to use an ashtray, I buy an ashtray, she overfills it and they fall out onto the ground and the dogs eat them and throw up all over, even on me in bed in the middle of the night. The only time the ashtray is emptied is if I or my husband does it. If I ask her to empty it she says she does, if I show her, she claims she just forgot that one time (there’s 40 butts in it, but she forgot just once!). She doesn’t check if the window that faces the deck is open, and smokes right in front of it. She tells everyone how unreasonable I am, I’m always attacking her, picking on her etc. she’s such a victim.

So we got 3 feet of snow. She just stands on the deck my husband shoveled a path to be clear for the dogs, and so I can get to my bird feed. She flicks her ashes onto the snow on the deck that the dogs constantly try to eat. As the snow melts, the ashes are all over the deck so people and dogs track them into the house. She puts her cigarettes out on my deck! Leaves little burn marks, but claims I’m wrong and she put it out in the snow. She’s not gonna be out there sanding and resealing the deck, I will be. As the snow melts I find clumps of butts in the front yard that she put out in the snow and just left there. There are burn marks in the concrete porch out front and on my beautiful walkway. The power washer doesn’t even get it off! I’m gonna buy one of those small metal trash cans and put it behind the bushes. I’ll put sand in it and tell her to put them there, but then I have to maintain this! I don’t want smelly cans of cigarette trash at my front and back doors, but I’m so tired of dog vomit and stinky ash smelling entry rugs. It’s bad enough her and her room stink all the time. I’m pretty sure she wakes up during the night and just smokes in bed, but I can’t prove it. She buys smelly oils and stuff that she thinks helps with the smell, and it smells like hippy stores, canvas and incense.

I have no idea what makes someone think throwing a cigarette butt on the ground isn’t littering. I’m so tired of not being able to enjoy my deck because she sits out there chain smoking on any nice days. I tell her, and she acts like I’m a huge a-hole. We have friends who are smokers, and we make them go to the back of the yard and smoke by the woods, she has never done that. All she does is smoke, she has always been skin and bones, but age makes it worse, and she will happily sit on the deck for hours in a bikini smoking. This is very awkward for guests and neighbors. We have a huge deck with 2 picnic tables, a pergola, chairs, fire pit etc, but we never use it because she will come out while we are out there and start smoking. Even if she smokes out front, I still smell her crappy off brand menthols all the way out back. My neighbor smokes Marlboro lights and I don’t smell them from his deck which is far closer, so maybe a menthol thing?

If I do ask her to stop doing something, it usually stops for 3-4 days, then business as usual. I’m not sure if there’s any solution, maybe just a vent. I’m making a grow out from a giant dog crate and I shoveled space on the deck so I can attach hardware cloth and stuff with room to move before my husband carries it down to the yard, and I found a trove of butts in the snow which prompted this post. Why are some smokers so unreasonable? My frenchie is about to go into heat, we plan to breed our frenchies this heat, and I worry about the puppies eating butts and choking. I purposely wanted to breed her in spring so I can put the puppies out on the deck in nice weather as they get older, but puppies find things in little crevices and it won’t be relaxing for me if I can’t read a book without pulling butts out of tiny jowls. I take great exception with the French bulldog standard, and after having a traditional bulldog with a tail pocket and face folds I had to meticulously clean and some other health issues, I decided to be the change I wish to see, and I looked long and hard for healthy dogs with normal length backs, straight legs, longer noses, and nubs they can lift, rotate, and wag. I’ve been looking forward to raising puppies, telling people about how great they are compared to other flat faced, roach backed dogs, but how will people feel if they come over and the puppies cough up cigarettes? I worry my little Meatball will choke on a butt instead of puking them out one of these times.

it’s all so frustrating. She doesn’t realize we don’t invite her to play board games or sit on the deck, because she smells like an ashtray. My husband had to take her car to the store because she blocked us in and he was humiliated his friend saw the junky car filled with empty packs and cartons, and he had to shower when he got home because he and his clothes smelled so bad. We have friends over on Saturday evenings, and she always comes out and has to hug everyone. They do not like it because she smells like cigarettes. It’s so gross and embarrassing.

buy her a butt out, a toothbrush and a bottle of listerine.....problem solved